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Oh, wow. We’re off to a good start, my gleeloveds. Ol’ Goody Two Shues is writing “Christopher Cross” up on the whiteboard in the band room and he starts to wax poetic about easy listening music. Kurt interjects though with some sort of facebook petition to have Nude Erections perform a Britney Spears song at the fall homecoming assembly. Shue’s thinks Spears is a little to risque and everybody’s fav cheerio is with Shue. Britney S. Pierce, refuses to sing a Britney Spears song because their names are so similar. Does anyone else LOVE that they named her Brittany S. Pierce? You can’t see me but I’m holding my hand up.
Shue consults with Emma Pillsbury about Britney Spears as she stocks pamphlets about pubes and wiping and stuff.
The pair chat about Emma’s new boyfriend who is helping her with her control issues. Shue is super jealous, of course… Have muurrrrcy! Emma’s steamy dentist man-friend, Carl is played by John Stamos! And guess who pays a surprise visit for lunch? You got it, dude. Dr. Carl. Shue offers Carl a chance to chat with glee about dental hygiene… I feel SO horrible for Jayma Mays having to make out with Matthew Morrison AND John Stamos. Poor thing. Maneuvering her tongue around so many dimples must be exhausting.
At the lockers, the football bully couple takes Finn’s letterman jacket and rips it in half. How symbolic… Finn takes a swing at of ‘em, but Artie rolls right into the middle and apologizes to Finn. The Beiste sees the whole thing…
A quick “Oops! I Did It Again” transitional, “duuuuh, nuh nuh,” moves us into the band room where the girls of glee are drooling over Dr. Carl. And they’re not even in the dentist chair, yet! HEY-OH! Santana’s “You can totally drill me whenever” was just so adorable in a smutty kinda way.
Brittany’s teeth were stained blue during Dr. Carl’s visit to glee so she pays a visit to Dr. Carl’s office, who tells her she has the worst teeth he’s ever seen. He puts her under while Britney Spears plays in the background, which brings us into a mother frickeen AWESOME “Slave For You” dream sequence. Brittany singing Britney is absolutely perfect. PERFECT, I tell you! The reality is they’re both dancers, not singers. One does not have to know how to sing if one sings a Britney Spears song, so I thought this worked beautifully. Actually, cheerio Brittany danced the crap out of this number, and dare I say, better than Spears herself. In fact, I DO say that cheerio Brittany is a FAR better dancer than Spears… And uhh, sorry, glays and glals, I know I promised you as many topless dude shots as possible but I just have to include a screenshot of each of these super hot Britney/Brittany outfits for me and all my Rock Jocks. (Strait dudes who like Glee.)
Okay, not so much this last one…
Speaking of Rock Jocks, Finn and Rachel are walking through the halls and Finn tells Rachel he misses being on the football team. To Finn’s disappointment, Rachel doesn’t seem very sympathetic. When the situation is reversed, Finn doesn’t defend Rachel when Santana and Britney make fun of Rachel… Trouble in Almost Paradise!
Round two of a Britney/Brittany anestia induced dream sequence. This time Santana joins in for a Madonna/Spears “Me Against the Music” duet… Once again, a perfect mesh. Santana as Madonna worked quite nicely since they both can actually sing. And with all the sappho innuendo happenin’, Professor BirschTalk gives this one an “A–”…
It did however get points deducted for the weird haggard weave wearin’ Spears cameo at the end. Even if they HAD shared a little kiss like in the original, I would have preferred Santana to ol’ used up Spears.
In glee, Kurt’s voice gets even more shrill than usual and he goes off at Shue for not submitting to the Spears Facebook request. He was being super ballsy. Then he stood up and we could only just see his ballsies.
At Dr. Carl’s office, he and Shue agree to disagree that they both love Emma. Carl tells Shue that maybe Emma would have chosen him instead if he would only just loosen up. Carl prescribes old people candy to unwind Shue a bit… As Shue leaves he gives one of his candies to Rachel. DING DING! Round THREE of a Spears dream sequence. THIS time it’s “Baby One More Time.” These are starting to get real repetitive, and I hate to say it, but it just seems like lazy writing. Plus, seeing Rachel in belly shirts made me feel weird inside. And while I’m hating to say things, I might as well say round three goes to Spears. Although Rachel can sing far better, and even though she is technically the most innocent character on the show, I would still rather watch the original. Maybe if she did more of a sexy gross baby voice it would have been more believable…
Rachel steals the clothing from her dream sequence and parades around the halls of McKinley. Finn tries to cover her up and she tells him they shouldn’t try to control each other. She even encourages him to try and get back onto the football team.. Or at least that what I think happened cause I was watching Brittany pat Jew Fro guy’s Jew Fro the whole time.
Shue’s ex-wife, Terry, busts his chops for buying a Corvette while he happens to be showing it off to Emma. In glee, Shue gets even more flack cause everyone is digging Rachel Spears. In fact, everyone is digging Rachel Spears a little too much. Sue busted the Jew Fro guy wankin’ off in the library. I never wanna see that again for as long as live.
Oh, jeez, here we go, round FOUR of a gas induced Spears dream sequence, this time starring Artie. He visioned he was pumping iron and playing on the football team to the tune of “Stronger.” Like Rachel’s dream, this one sounded good, but that’s about it. And I don’t think they could have managed to make men in football uniforms look any more sissified. It did however give Artie the courage to ask Coach Beiste one more time to be on the football team, to which she submitted. Finn is back on the team, too.
Duh nuh nuh.
Nooo! Rachel, what are you doing? Don’t make Finn choose between football and you, stupid. Also, there’s not really THAT much of a difference in clothing choice between Rachel Spears and Rachel Berry other than the addition of a belly button. Well, that and a lot more class.
At the homecoming assembly, Emma tells Shue he looks like a kid from Kids, Incorporated. (K-I-D-S, yeah!) and the glee club performs “Toxic.” This apparently gets the entire school all randy. I got a little randy myself, but only for the harmonies. Okay, a little for Brittany, but seriously, I loved the harmony between Rachel and Brittany. This is one of those covers that can compete with the original. I loved that they put their own spin on it, dog… By the end of the number the Jew Fro guy is in such a frenzy that he accidentally pinches a little man tush. The long haired dude knocked him out. Seeing this, Sue pulled a fire alarm and everyone ran out of the gym. Or maybe the actual Britney Spears showed up and her weave was just too stanky.
Sue fakes an injury and tells Shue she’s gonna sue the shit outta him in the teacher’s lounge. Wait, say that fast three times- “Sue’s gonna sue the shit outta Shue.” Do it. Bet you can’t… Oh and here’s where we get our “the more you know” monologue. Emma compares Shue to Spears and tells him she only ever wanted him to relax, not stop being himself. But I can’t get passed all the Spears butt kissing this entire ep and especially during this monologue. I know that they have to do a little brown nosing so that they can have access to them and their catalogues but this one seems SO forced. Maybe it’s cause I’m not a Spears fan. Forgive me if you are, I’ve been a bit harsh towards her. I don’t mean to say that her music isn’t well produced. But I just can’t get pass the baby voice. Has anyone ever seen that youtube clip where they record her mic? She’s lip-syncing of course but still singing and it sounds like a dying baby.
At the lockers, Rachel sets up a trap and has Quinn try and get back together with Finn. But he doesn’t fall for it. Kudos to Finn for resisting that cheerio Finny goodness.
In glee, Emperor Kurt Palpatine is upset they only did one Britney number.
“Join me and Spears on the dark side.”
Rachel dedicates a modern adult contemporary ” You Are the Only Exception” by Paramore, to Finn. Lea Michelle is so frickeen good at the on the verge of tears while singing thing. So good. That’s when she shines. A sweet little ending. Birschy liked it, even though it was sprinkled with Shue feeling sorry for himself.
Well, my gleeloveds. I wasn’t too impressed with this ep, but I’m not too into Britney Spears, either. Although it did have a few numbers that really worked well. And may the gods of Hollywood bless you, Heather Morris . You are one of the very reasons I adore this show as much as I do.
Thanks for sticking with me, lovelies.
Talk at you next week.
yours and everyone else’s,
GLINES O’ THE WEEK
“This room looks like the one on that spaceship where I got probed.” Brittany in a dentist chair
“Please don’t pull all my teeth. When I smile I’ll look like an adult baby but with boobs.” Brittany
“It looks like a Jewish cloud.” Brittany feeling Jew Fro guys Jew fro…