Glee: Born This Way! Not That Way!

A tip of the ol’ bizarre Kurt Hummel hat to you Glee! I’m proud of you… This was a solid week for you. You even gave us an extra half hour to boot! You were preachy, per usual, but you managed to get your messaging across without too many sit down talks, and yet you still had some compelling emotional moments. SEE what happens when you listen to Auntie BirschTalk? Let’s go over what you did right, shall we? (BTW, sorry this is so late, my darlins’… I was on a little vacation in Yosemite!)

The front of the ep opens in the back with “Booty Camp.” Ol’ Goody Two Shues wants the glang to pick up their dancin’ feet for Nationals. He counts them off and they sort of awkwardly stumble around on stage in the auditorium for a second but then Finn accidentally swings his banana hand into Rachel’s schnoz. I WONDERED how they would arrive to Rachel wanting a nose job…

“Ha-cha-cha-cha-chaaaaa!”

Finn insists on being with Rachel at the doctor’s office, even despite her concern that it would upset Quinn. The doc walks in, tells her it’s broken and mentions this is a “good opportunity for a little vanity adjustment.” Which, I would think in practice, is unethical? Rachel retorts a nose job would be going against what her idol, Barbara Streisand, stands for, but the doc reminders her that Babs is a “one in a million.” Let’s hope this isn’t the same doc that did Naya Rivera’s nose job…

In the music room, Rachel announces to the glang that she is considering rhinoplasty since she needs to repair her deviated septum anyway, and it could potentially enable her to better hit her high notes. This opens up a debate, and Santana, dressed like an eskimo, seems to be the only person excepting of the idea, and points out that everyone has at least one thing they would change about themselves. Finn says he wouldn’t change anything except maybe his dance moves and Santana tells everyone about his “weird, puffy, pyramid-nipples.” Shue, of course, stops the discussion AFTER it’s gone too far and reminds them that the thing their insecure about is the thing that makes them interesting. Mercedes says thats the thing bullies also use to crush their spirit. Then she makes a frowny face.

Shue is polishing grapes with Emma in her office, voicing his concern about Rachel and the glang’s warped but normal sense of beauty. Shue also wants Emma to start addressing her OCD more aggressively and she side steps the issue by preferring the terms “Neat Freak,” or “Cleany Bug.” She also accidentally quotes a Lady Gaga song and that inspires a way to help Shue to get the kids to accept their differences. That song being, “Poker Face.” Nooo. Not really. It was “Born This Way.”

Santana, still wearing her Russian Ushanka military neanderthal uniform, is drawing a mustache on Quinn/Finn’s prom king/queen propaganda in the hallways. Her voice over reveals a plot to become prom queen so that she can declare a law to make Brittany her girlfriend. She considers Sam as her king and determines he “doesn’t have the heat” after he does a fairly decent Sean Connery impression. Then New Guy Sam bends over to drink from a water fountain and she sees Dave Karosky walk by, ogling at NGS’ keister. Ooooh! SOMEbody wants SOME one’s trouty mouth on his little bait worm!

Are those pyramid nipples or misplaced testicles on Finn? I can’t tell.

Santana, Mercedes and Tina meet up with Kurt and Blaine for some coffee. The girls tell Kurt how much they miss him and Kurt says he wishes he could come back. Blaine would even encourage his return were it not for Karofsky. Another inner-monologue from Santana determines that if she can get Kurt back to McKinley somehow it will make her a hero which in turn would help her become prom queen/get Britt, and even better Nude Erection’s chances at winning Nationals. The key to all this? Dave Karofsky. Which, I believe is a key to a big, giant closet.

In the music room, Shue writes “acceptance” up on the board for this week’s assignment and announces they’ll sing a GaGa group number. The whole glang practically cries they’re so happy they get to sing Gaga, but Shue also wants each of them to also sing a song that highlights what they’re most insecure about. Finn raises his hand and wants to know why Emma is in the room with them. Emma stands and reveals a letter press. They’re each going to make t-shirts with a word or phrase that represents what they are most ashamed of. Mike wants an example so Emma reveals an undershirt that says “Ginger.” Shue is disappointed that it doesn’t say OCD…

Zizes stares at the king and queen crowns wistfully in their case. Puck sees her staring and let’s her know they aren’t real jewels. A Zizes flashback reveals her becoming Miss Tiara Toddler for doing the most toddler pull-ups. She explains to Puck that after her thyroid issue kicked in she gained a bunch of weight and that ruined her hopes of ever becoming Ms. Ohio. Puck tells her that she’s “gonna get that crown,” and that he’ll be her king. Hmmm. This doesn’t seem like something the Zizes character would care about but I guess I’ll bite.

Quinn is In the waiting room of the doctor’s office with Rachel. She’s there to show the doc what kind of nose Rachel wants in exchange for a vote from Rachel for prom queen. The doctor walks in and Rachel requests some composites of what she would look like with a Fabray nose before she goes through with the procedure. While they’re talking pictures of Quinn’s nose/ drawing on Rachel’s face, the girls go into a pleasantly pretty version of TLC’s “Unpretty.” They even mashed in a little of West Side Story’s “I Feel Pretty.” Per usual, Dianna Argon’s voice was auto-tuned to high heaven, but I enjoyed what they did with mash-up so much, it was palatable… Dare I say I even liked it more than the TLC version. Which is saying a lot cause even though “Unpretty” is my least fav TLC song, I don’t think I listened to any other group more in the 90s… I’ll never grow tired of “Creep.” Ever… And you can’t see me but I’m pouring out a bit of my Syrah for Left Eye… Not on the carpet of course but in the kitchen sink.

In the hallway, three similarly dressed chubby girls gush over the Zizes for prom queen poster cause it’s nice to see “someone like them” run for that sort of thing. Quinn overhears this and rushes over to Zizes to try and scare her into dropping out of the race with notions of pigs blood and snickering from classmates. Zizes basically calls Quinn ugly on the inside and Quinn declares a personal war on Zizes. Per usual in this type of scenario, the background “Doo doo doos” get higher and even more manic.

Over coffee, Karofsky tells Santana he knew she’d ask him out eventually. Santana tells him to cut the crap cause she knows he’s gay. Karofsky denies it and says he’s gonna kick Blaine and Kurt’s ass. Santana brilliantly breaks in down to him like this- “You’re what we call a ‘laden life gay.’ You’re going to stay in the closet, get married, get drunk to have relations with your wife, have a couple kids, maybe become a state senator or a deacon and then get caught in the men’s room tapping your foot with some page, and you know what, I accept that about you.” She then offers to be his beard, in exchange for being hers. A “beard” being a girl who is dating a gay man so that nobody will think he’s gay. I don’t think the term works in reverse though. A boy who’s with a girl to hide her lesbianism should not be called a “beard.” I feel a “merkin” is more appropriate… Any who, where was I? Oh yeah, Santana says they should be each other’s beard/merkin so then they can become prom king and queen and rule the school. Karofsky agrees. He’s got no choice really. Otherwise, she’ll tell everyone he’s gay… (Now see her awesome Gline O’ the Week.)

Quinn and Finn argue at the lockers over Quinn encouraging Rachel to get a nose job. Finn reminds Quinn of their homework assignment and Quinn slams her locker shut with a “maybe I’m not down with this week’s assignment.” Finn says he likes it and that brings us into Finn’s “I Gotta Be Me” number by Sammy Davis Jr., man… Which was meant to highlight Finn’s lack of rhythm and dance ability… Although Mike’s dancing was awesome, I’m afraid Cory Monteith’s voice just isn’t suited for standard tunes. It was kinda cutesy though. I’ll give them that. Shue is quite pleased with Finn’s performance afterwards. Rachel requests the floor because she wants to show everyone the composites of her new nose. Tina tells her not to go through with it and says she’s decided to embrace her Asian-ness. It doesn’t seem to discourage Rachel and as she passes out the pix, Puck tells her he sees all the Jewish girls do it and that they’re not as hot after. But what really seems to affect Rachel is when Finn tells her not to do cause she’s “beautiful.” Still, she says she’s made up her mind and that she’s getting a schnoz job. Then she leaves and says “Goodnight Mrs. Calabash, where ever you are.” NOOO, she doesn’t.

Ol’ Goody Two Shues walks into the teachers lounge with a paper bag and he wants to talk to Emma about her really accepting her OCD. The “Ginger” on her shirt thing is proof she’s still denying it… Shue then pulls some unwashed fruit out the bag and tries to get her to eat it. It repulses her. How DARE he not buy organic.

The glang is in a hubbub over Karofsky’s visit to the music room. Figgins’ is with him and he wants them to give him a chance to speak. Shue finally quiets them down long enough for Karofsky to recite the apologetic speech Santana wrote for him on the atrocities of bullying. Santana joins him at the front of the room and reveals not only that they’ve started an anti-bullying watchdog club called the “Bully Whips,” but also that they’re in love and the glang gets grossed out.

Intimidating Bully Whip Garb

Karofsky adds that he’s also reached out to the Hummels to encourage Kurt’s return to McKinley. The next day, in Figgins’ office, Burt Hummel is understandably very reluctant. Karofsky senior says that he’s starting to see the person that he really is- a good person. Kurt staring at Karofsky suspiciously asks to speak to him alone. The dads, Shue and Figgins wait outside the office and Kurt demands the truth. After all, he never outed Karofsky in the first place. Karofsky reveals the whole thing was Santana’s idea so she can be prom queen. Kurt says he come back to McKinley but only on the condition that he and Karofsky start a PFLAG chapter. (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.) I guess the price of bullying is starting as many clubs as possible, eh? Outside they all stare in through the glass windows at the boys coming to their agreement. Burt tells Finn to “keep an eye on his brother” and Finn says “he’s one step ahead of him.”

Rachel is peeling the band-aid off her nose and Puck walks into the girl’s bathroom. He asks for just one hour of her time the following day to try and convince her that she doesn’t need a nose job, “from one hot Jew to another.”

During lunch time, Mercedes looks at her watch and gathers up the glang to announce the return of Kurt Hummel. He arrives on cue, but then she says there’s a reason they’re all meet outside… Here come the Warblers! Blaine leads them down the steps and says although he’ll have Kurt after school and on the weekends, the Warblers will not, and so they want to sing him a song good-bye. They perform Keane’s “Somewhere Only We Know.” Which was adorable. Darren Criss sung it beautifully and with just the right amount of melancholy. In fact, his voice has more power than the original singer’s… I’ve also just realized that Glee makes me actually listen to the lyrics of songs much more carefully. I must have heard this song a million times on the radio and I never once stopped to think how lovely a thing it is to ask someone you know you’re not going to see for a while to escape to a place that’s special to them.

Oh, sweet! Back to back musical numbers and this one is actually a musical number! Kurt wanders through the halls and rooms of McKinley singing Sunset Boulevard’s “As If We Never Said Goodbye.” His nostalgic journey through the school ends in the music room where the glang gives his return a standing “O.” YOU GUYS!!! I LOVED this. It was stunning. Absolutely beautiful. It feels odd to swoon over Chris Colfer’s higher register but I find it absolutely mesmerizing. BRAVO. So glad he’s back and out from under Darren Criss’ shadow. Now I can have my gay cake and eat it too!

In the hallway, Zizes gets Quinn’s attention by calling her Lucy. They have a chat in an empty classroom where Zizes tells Quinn that after some extensive reconnaissance, she found out what Quinn USED to look like… Lucy Q Fabray, was the 70 pounds heavier, lots of acne, braces wearing, bigger nosed version of Quinn. Quinn admits that used to be her and everyone would call her “Lucy Caboosy.” But then she lost a bunch of weight, got a nose job and told her parents to start calling her by her middle name, and thats when she transferred to McKinley… Zizes tells her to go check the bulletin boards and in slow motion panic Quinn runs through the halls as everyone laughs and points. She arrives to her new prom queen poster.

How would they even know it’s Quinn? Looks nothing like her.

At the mall, Rachel demands to know what Pucks plan are. They arrive to Kurt who tells Puck only he can “lead this Barbara-vention.” Rachel thinks she might be there but Kurt reminds her “this is a mall in Ohio.” Kurt then dives into a big speech about how if she gets a nose job she’ll not only be letting her idol Babs down but all the little girls who look like her and want to be her one day too. Then, in an effort to convince her not to give in to a silly “societal pressure,” they go into an awesome “Barbara Streisand” dance number, by, I believe Duck Sauce… I loved that this just did a dance number. It was hokey but I suppose a dance number in mall kind of has to be… Plus I like that they used a sort of gay dance club song to lead an intervention.

Emma has just finished disinfecting her new therapist’s chair and is ready for her session. The therapist lets her know that she only has a few minutes left since she’s spent most of her hour cleaning the chair… She tells Emma it’s clear she has a severe case of OCD. Emma retorts “But this is who I am. This is who I am supposed to be.” The therapist says that she is not her illness and that it’s her illness who is “preventing who she is supposed to be,” and that she’ll even start to feel better once she accepts that, during which, Emma does seem to do so while she cries, softly. The therapist then writes Emma a low dosage prescription to help mellow her out a bit, and asks to see her the following week… I found this scene to be very moving. Jayma Mays is a wonderful immensely talented actress. She handles her character perfectly, and it’s a character that one can easily go over the top with…

Finn approaches a disheartened Quinn. She thinks nobody is going to vote for her. Finn pulls a Lucy pic out of his wallet and shows Quinn that it’s the first time he can actually see who she is and that he “likes this one better.” She walks past the three matching chubby girls who are ogling over the Lucy Caboosy poster admiring Quinn for somebody who has “over come” her appearance. Zizes enters with a poll update that has Quinn up in the running by 40%. Zizes apologizes and supposes she had that coming. Quinn tells Zizes she respects her cause she had to get a nose job and lose weight to walk around the school like she owns it, where Zizes did not… The Zizes puts her arm around her and they talk about what color to dye Zizes hair. Awwww. Alllll better.

Britt shows Santana her shirt she’s going to reveal for the “Born This Way” number. It says “I’m with stupid,” and an arrow that points to Britt’s head. Santana shows Britt hers, which says, “Bitch.” Britt looks disappointed and says she made her another shirt that says “Lebanese.” Santana tells her she’s hispanic and then realizes that it suppose to say “Lesbian.” Britt tells her how proud she was of her revealing her feelings. Santana reminds her she’s with Karofsky and Britt says that’s “gross.” Santana says she doesn’t get a say in who she dates because she told her she loves her and Britt didn’t say she loves her back. Britt says she does love her, “clearly more than you love yourself, otherwise you’d put this shirt on and dance with me.” Then Britt walks away… I can’t WAIT to see what happens with this. Maybe they’ll intro another gaybo girl and her and Santana will start to date and then that will make Britt jealous and then they’ll have an awesome make-out scene where Britt tells her she doesn’t want her she’d rather be with her than Artie… PLEASE? Can that PLEASE happen, please?

In her office Emma stares at her prescription reluctantly for a minute before she finally pops a couple. Then she starts singing Jimi Hendrix’s “Purple Haze.” NO, she doesn’t!

The glang is getting ready for their big Gaga number and Shue reveals his “but chin” shirt. Rachel walks in and announces she’s canceled her nose job due to her Barbara-vention. Santana is MIA but they start their big “Born This Way” finale anyway. During which, Emma finds Shue in the wings and reveals her newly phrased “OCD” t-shirt. It’s working! The drugs are working! Also during they reveal Santana and Karofsky watching the whole thing. Santana looks down at the “lebanese” t-shirt she’s wearing with a look of disappointment. But what I don’t understand is why didn’t didn’t join the crew. She put on the damn T-shirt already! I liked this number but I think it’s because I was just excited to have Kurt back… This isn’t my favorite GaGa song either though. It’s too on the nose… Don’t get me wrong. I am immensely appreciative of what GaGa is doing for the gay community. She’s awesome. But she can do better with this song. It sounds too much like Madonna’s “Vogue,” to me and it panders a bit too much. BUT, I think I’m just being a stickler because I really do appreciate the messaging, at least. And it worked quite well here for Glee, so just tell me to shut UP already!

And that’s the ep, my gleeloveds! A SOLID effort this week. I really enjoyed all 90 minutes of it!

Thanks for sticking with me.

Talk at you next week.

Yours and everyone else’s,

BirschTalk

Gline O’ the Week

The only straight I am is straight up bitch.” – Santana