Eeeeesh. I’m tuggin’ on my collar and tie cause I made the mistake again of watching an entire episode before I had time to write my recap. By the time I was finished with work and life last night I only had about 45 minutes before bed time. So I cracked open an ice cold Coors Light excited to just relax and enjoy the show… But, you guuuys, I DIDN’T enjoy the show. I mean, I did a little, of course, cause Glee and I are married till death do we part, or until cancellation, but I was a little bored. It hurts to say that, but I was. This one made the Super Bowl ep feel like, well, the Super Bowl… Or maybe it’s just that Justin Bieber makes me automatically want to commit
But we’ll blab about Bieb blater…
This week’s ep opens with Shue telling the his Spanish class that regresar means “to come back.” His inner monologue talks about how ol’ Goody Two Shues feels like he’s on a comeback. He’s over his divorce, and Emma. He got the rest of Sue’s cheerio money. Fingers crossed they don’t have Shue rap LL Cool J’s “Mama Said Knock You Out.” If anyone does that it should be Zizes. I think she should be the only person allowed to rap on the show in fact. Maybe Santana, too. Okay, and Mercedes. Fuck it, let’s throw Mike Chang in there. NOBODY ELSE THOUGH.
Suddenly, New Pair of Two Shues is being pulled out of Spanish class cause Emma Pillsbury (There she is! Missed her!) thinks that Sue has committed Sui-i cide. They rush to her house and almost believe she actually has, but really she’s just learned how to stop her heart from beating as a result of working at CAA. Hollywood joke! She tells Shue and Emma she did however, try to end things by overdosing on chewy vitamins. Shue, on his comeback roll, isn’t going to buy into Sue’s “pity party”
In the halls, NGS confirms his date with Quinn at Color Me Mine. She half heartedly says they’re still on and then he gives her a peck and almost accidentally eats her head… Nooo, he doesn’t. She walks away and an NGS voiceover reveals concern over the way Quinn has been acting towards him. Well that and also she might have made out with Finn… Poor NGS. He’s a sucka for love. He believes Quinn’s unlikely flashback where she gives Finn mouth to mouth cause he was choking on a gum ball. Wouldn’t she have had to give him the Heimlich Maneuver if he was choking on something? Sucka… My mom had to give me the Heimlich Maneuver once. I was 13 or 14 and we were at Del Taco. She told me to “stop eating so fast or you’ll choke.” I gave her a shitty look, took a big bite of my bean and cheese burrito and immediately started to choke on a clump of cheese. Without blinking an eye she put down her taco, pulled me up out of my chair and assumed zee Heimlich position. My little sister screamed, “Ewwww!” at my ball of cheese that landed on her fast food tray. And I was happy I could breathe to laugh at that.
Where were we? Oh, yeah, NGS’s voiceover. It also says he’s gotta do something to win back Quinn’s undivided attention so he decides to start a one man band called the Justin Bieber Experience. He tests it out in front a slew of tweens and it works like a charm. Umhm. Yeah. Okay, fine. You know what. I’ll take Shue rapping over a guest appearance my Bieber. But if that WAS going to happen, we would have been hearing about it for years prior.
Rachel is yelling at Brittany between classes because she’s wearing Rachel’s leg warmers on her arms. Common in “nerd to popularity” strategy, Rachel is paying Brittany her allowance to copy her so she can make a comeback of her own.
Shue sees Sue harassing the students in the halls, and visits Emma in her office cause he’s concerned as to how dangerous she’s become. Sue walks in with a noose asking if they know where any asbestos free rafters are. Emma talks them both into having Sue sit in on glee for a week to cheer her up. Shue submits even though we’re only seven minutes into the ep and Sue has already thrown out TWO Will Shuester hair jokes.
The glang is of course objecting to Sue’s presence and after Shue tells them they have no choice, he reveals the deets on Regionals. Nude Erections will be facing ORAL Intensity and the Warblers. There’s a even theme this year- “anthem.” NGS wants to sing what HE considers an anthem to Quinn and does Justin Beiber’s “Baby.” This somehow moistens all the girls’ panties and they turn into screaming tweens. But NOT Birschy’s panties. Mine stayed bone dry and powdery fresh… Have you ever seen a kid perform a dance number in a middle school musical? THAT’s what it looked like to me. You can see them think through what they’re doing and they’re just a little embarrassed they’re doing it…
NGS is reBeibering his hair in the bathroom when Puck, Mike and Artie tell him they want in on the Justin Beiber experience. NGS contests that it’s only supposed to be a one man band but they talk him into joining cause they all gots problems wif their ladayzzzz. They’re going through a post Valentine’s day lull and I’m GLAD they are cause otherwise we wouldn’t have gotten to see Tina disinterested in the Mike Chang ab shot!
Finn figures out what’s going on and makes fun of NGS for Beibin’ it. NGS calls Finn out for going after Quinn and Finn uncharacteristically lies with a smirk… What happened to our wholesome Finnsome?!?
Rachel sees everyone in the halls wearing leg warmers as arm warmers and tells Brittany she has to dress exactly like Rachel. “Sexy school girl librarian sheik.”
In her office, Sue confides in her journal that she’s faking depression so she can infiltrate the glee club and break it apart from the inside. Just in time, Mercedes with a new haircut, or weave, whatever, walks in per Sue’s request. She tells Mercedes she’d like to take diva lessons. They splice it up with Sue making the same request with Rachel in the hall, and ends up telling them both that they really ARE divas but that the other said they weren’t worthy of being as such. Mercedes and Rachel challenge each other to a diva off in glee the next day as a result. And all they had to do was ask each other if they really said it. Pity…
Finn is trying to set up a creeper date with Quinn when the the hoodie laden Justin Bieber Experience struts in and make all the girls have to change their panties again with another Beiber song. This time with “Somebody to Love.” Artie and NGS take the reigns on this one and admittedly I didn’t HATE this. But this is the only Bieb song that doesn’t make me tear out my similar haircut… After a performance in the auditorium inspired by the original video, the girlfriends run up to their men in the Bieber Experience and start huggin’ on ‘em. Quinn even tells Finn she’s too busy for a creeper date and then tells NGS their on for Color Me Mine. (Which really exist by the way.) STILL doesn’t work on Zizes though. Poor Puck, he even skinned a cat and wore it on his head.
In the halls, Finn wants to know why Quinn won’t creep and Quinn tells him it’s cause NGS is an artist, and that really turns her on… I’m not sure I’d consider a man in a Justin Bieber tribute band an artist but Finn seems to buy it and he gets a smirk like he has an idea. Uh oh. Finn. Stick to football, and being a leader. DON’T think. Thinking BAD.
Puck is enjoying himself watching Zizes dominate a bunch of dudes at wrestling practice. Afterwards, she tells Puck she’s nervous about her first solo in glee. Puck tells her not to worry. He’ll back her up on his guitar and to picture everybody in Nude Erections, well, nude… This seems to help her feel better but Puck STILL hasn’t even gotten a kiss. I know this particular storyline is hard to swallow, but I gotta admit, I kinda like it… Puck is actually making me laugh lately. The looks of longing are killin’ me!
Diva off time in glee. Sue gets Mercedes riled up and ready to sing Rachel into her grave. (BTW, I like this new look Mercedes has going. The bangs are really working for her. Or should I say she’s really workin’ those bangs. Where’s Artie when I need an awkward white guy to say “Truth!”???)
Rachel points out that they’ll be singing a song from the Broadway catalogue, which she also points out, is in her wheel house. But then they sing Rent’s “Take Me Or Leave Me,” which seems like pretty neutral territory to me… HOLY SHIT though did these ladies sound amazing. I mean, HOT. Dare I say better than the film version. If Rachel and Mercedes made out at the end I would have like it MORE. But they didn’t. Although they almost did. The song actually brought them together, to Sue’s confused dismay, and they end up huggin’ it out after.
Goody Two Shues talks Sue into joining him for a bit of singing in a children’s cancer ward. I wasn’t sure how to feel about this, you guys. Every time I looked at Shue I’d get angry cause it felt fake. But then Sue made it seem genuine so then I was okay with the writers exploiting that sort of thing… They all sing “This Little Light of Mine” with Shue on the ukelele, and I guess in the end I was okay with it. I don’t mean the singing I just mean the whole idea behind it.
Quinn, Santana and Tina are wearing Rachel outfits and talking about how brilliant a fashionista Brittany is when Rachel joins them. She corrects them and even says she paid Brittany to dress like her. They don’t believe Rachel. So then Rachel tells Brittany she wants her come back money back, but Brittany won’t give it back, Jack. That’s whack…
My FAVORITE part of this whole episode, Zizes sings The Waitress’ “I Know What Boys Like” in glee. She was a little tentative at first but then she pictures everybody naked, or for the sake of the FCC, in their under garments, at least. Except for Mike Chang and NGS. This song was PERFECT on Zizes. Just perfect. It required no vocal ability, a bit of sass and just a dash of irony. Zizes nailed it…. Oh, man. What I wouldn’t give for her to cover Romeo Void’s “Never Say Never.” Now THAT would awesome. How bout it writers??? Please?
Come on Tina. ZIZES make a hotter sassy face than you.
In the library, Santana tells NGS to stop doing James Earl Jones impressions, but more importantly that she “wants on them froggy lips.” Ol’ Birschy swoons when Santana says she “wants” something, especially when it precedes “I.” She does it a lot. And I can’t gets enough! Birschy get a hold of yourself, where were you? Oh yeah- NGS points out that he’s dating Quinn. Santana reminds him that Quinn’s gum ball story is probably bull crap and plants a seed of doubt in that pretty little giant head of his.
Sue tells Shue that she wants to sing an anthem too. But a real anthem. Sue’s idea of a real anthem? My Chemical Romance’s “Sing It For the World.” In the auditorium, Sue joins the glang and every one dresses up like lumber jacks and sing all angry like. I love the message this song conveys, and I actually kinda like the harmony background thing they did with it but I couldn’t get over the angry dancing/singing thing… Finn sounded great though.
“Sing it for the one’s that you left behind- TIMBERRRRRR!”
In the halls, NGS breaks up with Quinn cause she can’t tell him with a straight face she didn’t cheat with Finn. I might have been sad if it wasn’t for the melancholy piano version of Bieber’s “Baby” as the background mood music…
Just after Shue gleans over Sue’s anthem selection and shoots down Rachel’s suggestion of ORIGINAL MUSIC, she tells Shue she’s the new coach of Oral (on purpose) Intensity… Shue gets SO mad he pushes the sheet music off the piano. GASP!
Rachel tracks down Finn in the halls to give him a hard time about Quinn being single. He doesn’t want to talk about though. He wants to talk about how he should have backed her original music idea in glee. He even says he thinks the old Rachel is “making a comeback.” You guys, this means they’re going to have ORIGINAL MUSIC! Holy crap that’s gonna be fascinating. Can’t wait… Can’t wait for the next ep either. It looks like it’s gonna be a drunk fest. Birschy likey!!! I bet it’ll be better than this one, anyway. It was allllright. Nothing to write home about…
Alright, my gleeloveds.
Talk at you next week.
yours and everyone else’s,