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Boy oh boy is ol’ Birschy really looking forward to THIS one, you guys. A Glee ep that deals with teenage drinking? Yes, please, bartender, and make it a double! Let’s hope though, tonight’s particular concoction isn’t too strong. I don’t wanna be throwing up on my new Tretorns. OR, too weak for that matter, I gotta catch a sing songy buzz, at least! It’s all about moderation and I think they’ll be pouring that very concept down our throats tonight. So pull up a stool next to me, won’t you? And let’s toast at the start of this week’s
glee (Warning: Title screen does not actually occur here.)
Figgins wants to talk to Shue about the “epidemic” that’s happening at McKinley. Apparently, all of ‘em are showing up to class drunk and don’t know how to hold their liquor. To address this problem, Figgy makes it Alcohol Awareness Week and asks “Will-YUM” to have Nude Erections perform at an assembly. The song they sing will “highlight all the dangers of drinking.” And what song might THAT be, Figgins? I don’t think such a song exists. You could add a “dangers of alcohol” flavor to a number of songs though. Like Carrie Underwood’s “Jesus, Take the Wheel. I Shouldn’t Have Had That Last Cosmo.” Or, “Hit Me Baby One More Time… And I’m Outta Here.” by B. Spears. Huh? No more? Fine? Maybe I’ll sneak one in later…
In the teach lounge, Shue tries to bury the hatchet with Emma by offering a toaster and telling her he’s happy for her and Dr. Have Merrrrcy. Shue gives Emma a personal status report but Sue butts in and offers up her unsolicited perspective. In her version, Will’s going to become an alcoholic due to being broken hearted and eventually losing to Sue’s newly acquired glee club, Oral Intensity. Emma asks how Sue made THAT happen, and a flash back reveals her pushing the former director down the stairs. Oooh! How Showgirls of you, Sue…
Rachel is tinkering on the piano in the choir room, and Puck tries to charm her into having a party at her place while her dads are out of town on a Rosie O’Donnell cruise. She says “no.” Finn walks in and Puck splits. Finn is of course received a bit warmer than Puck, and even gets a friendly, yet secretly painful, hug. They agree to put their past aside and make things as comfortable as possible while they try and write a song together for Regionals. I mean Sectionals. No wait, I mean, uhhh, Nationals? Rachel wants feedback on the song she’s been working on. It’s called “Headband.” And it’s about her headband. Finn tells her it sucks. Always glad to hear one of them, in this case, Rachel actually sing though. Even if it was about… wait for it… a headband. Finn suggests that maybe she needs to live a little in order to write about more exciting things in life. This inspires her to have that party at her place after all and even try alcohol… Don’t do it, Rachel! Your friends SAY they’ll help you clean up the next day but they don’t…
“Santitney” and “Artcedes,” walk through the halls on all four of their various communication devices. They decide to patch in Puck to determine if putting up with Rachel Berry is worth going to a party that will have alcohol. Puck guarantees the wine coolers and that’s all it takes. The party is on… What I didn’t understand is why Artie felt the need to tell Mercedes “Tell ‘em yourself, I ain’t no pony express” when Mercedes asks to relay a message, AS Mecerdes is pushing Artie down the hall! Oh, yeah, you’re right. Just an excuse to have Mercedes call in the on the party line, but STILL, Please STOP with the Ebonics, Artie… And don’t bite the hand that’s pushing you down the hall, either.
Glee, the comic book.
The glang trickles into Rachel’s Oscar den for her big party. Even Kurt and Blaine show up. They start to trickle back out though, when Rachel hands out “two drink tickets each so no one gets out of hand.” Puck says they’ll stay if she lets him break into the liquor cabinet. With Finn’s encouragement and wanting to live for song writing purposes, she does… Lots of drinks later, Finn, who’s the DD, gets annoyed at Rachel for being clingy. He points out all the different types of drunk girls to her, like, Santana’s “hysterical girl drunk,” or Brittany’s “stripper girl drunk,” to name a few, and then tells her she’s annoying clingy lovey dovey drunk girl. This prompts Rachel to shout “Spin the bottle!” They didn’t go over the drunk dude generalizations though… There’s the “let’s kick someone’s ass drunk dude.” There’s the “homosexual tendencies drunk dude.” But my absolute favorite is the “get plowed and take off your pants drunk dude…” Those all exist. And you know it… Personally, I like to do daring things. It’s never a good turn out.
Anyway, everyone is having a grand ol’ time spinning the bottle except for Kurt. Rachel’s spin lands on Blaine and they seem to have a very passionate kiss. It goes so well, in fact, Rachel and Blaine sing The Human League’s “Don’t You Want Me.” You guys, I loved this. It was clubby, sure, but I loved it. I love this song in the first place, though, and at least they did a little something different with it by giving it a douchey dance club groove. I could even get over the karaoke over the top drunk thing happening cause I liked the song so much…
Those aren’t microphones.
The next day, Burt Hummel walks into Kurt’s room asking his son for advice about eggs. He finds Kurt at his vanity mirror applying facial lotion but he also finds Blaine waking up in Kurt’s bed, wondering where he is and what happened. You got yourself a new fag hag last night, Blaine! That’s what happened!
The glang sport sunglasses and complain about their hangovers walking through the halls of McKinley. Artie comes through with a thermos of Bloody Marys to help them feel better. Of course, he does so in his wannabe speak. I wish at least he would dress the part, too, if they’re going to endow him with the white chocolate thing. It would somehow make him own it more, ya know? It’d be better if he had a cockney accent though.
Ello ello! Owz about a bit the ol’ bloody for yee?
The Marys launch Artie and Puck into singing Jamie Foxx’s “Blame It” all the way into the auditorium. By the time they get there, Mercedes joins in to complete the trio. Believe or not you guys, THIS is one glee song that actually has LESS auto-tune than the original! I have to admit though, even with T Pain in there, I like the original, you guys. I must say, I don’t mind listening to this while I scope out a joint and sip on a beverage, in my pretend fantasy club life. And guess what, I thought the Glee version was BETTER than the original. Don’t get mad, Jamie Foxx! I’ve seen you on American Idol and you are CUHRAZY!
Will was totally into the rehearsal, and he even applauds them for their fine acting ability as drunks, but he thinks the song glorifies alcohol. The tipsy glang argues a bit but Will tells them to come to glee the next day with their thinking caps on to figure out what song they’re actually going to sing for the assembly. I hope its another one of my guilty pleasure songs, cause they’re two for two so far.
In the teachers lounge, the Beiste tells Shue he needs do something other than working out to loosen up. He’s all stressed cause of Emma and Sue, so the Beiste suggests they go to a honkey tonk bar the following night. Then, she stuffs an entire chicken plus two whole apples into her mouth and swallows them whole. (Okay, she didn’t.)
Sipping on rose, listening to Carol King, Rachel calls Blaine and asks him out. She catches him while he’s out to coffee with Kurt… Blaine says “yes,” and Kurt points out that Blaine would only be leading Rachel on because he’s gay. Blaine thinks that maybe he’s “bi.” Kurt argues that really doesn’t exist for boys and gives him a hard time about it. Blaine takes offense and leaves… It’s a shame that bisexuality has no validity, especially for men. I think that there ARE bisexual men but there is societal pressure to make a dichotomous choice. This saddens me… Maybe one day we’ll grow up and think it’s just as manly to have experimented, than to have not… That being said, there’s no way Blaine’s straight.
At the honkey tonk with the Bieste, Will does a bunch of shots and rides a mechanical bull and does all sorts of honkey tonk stuff. I’m afraid Mr. Morrison isn’t as good at acting like he’s drunk, comparatively, to his younger counter parts, though… Well, whoop dee doo, looky here, ol’ Goody Two Shues is being called up onto stage to sing a song with the Bieste. They sing “One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer” by George Thorogood. Will ruined it. The Beiste saved it. She can sing lower than Shue! And she’s a heck of lot cooler, too…
“One Bourbon. One Scotch. One Beer. TWO DUIs!” Hey Oh! Told you I’d in sneak another!
Kurt’s helping Rachel clean up after the party to get the scoop post Rachel/Blaine date. She tells Kurt they didn’t kiss but that they had the most gloriously gay old time… Kurt tries to convince Rachel that she’s singing up the wrong tree. This prompts her to prove Kurt wrong by attempting to recreate their passionate kiss. Kurt’s eyes get all wide, the kind of wide that say’s “Game on, bitch.”
The Beiste makes sure that Shue gets into his apartment safely. The have a heart to heart about the reality of drinking even though she’s got a cab outside on the clock. The Bieste breaks it down logically and says they can’t stop teens from drinking but they can educate them and make sure they’re safe about it when they do. And that’s the moral of the story. YAY! Oh, wait. It’s still going. Shue is still not doing a very good job at being really drunk. He gives a bunch of papers he has to grade an “A+,” and supposedly drunk dials Emma. He fake slurs his way through saying he knows she’s taken but that they need to talk…
The next day, a fake hungover Shuester sees Emma in the halls and apologizes for his call. She doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Enter Sue Sylvester. It was SHE who received his call and tries to talk him into an AA meeting. He won’t go and Sue says they’ll have to do it the hard way. Not sure what that means yet. Sixty-nine?
Burt and Kurt are having some father son bonding time. When Burt’s dish doesn’t rise properly Kurt scolds him for it. But weeEEEeee know what this is really about don’t we??? Kurt tells his dad about Blaine and Rachel. Burt asks his son to not have sleepovers with boys. Kurt explained that nothing happened. Burt says he saw Brokeback Mountain and doesn’t know what happened in the tent??? I remember what happened in the tent, Burt. EVERYONE remembers what happened in the tent. I also remember thinking it’s too bad those cowboys didn’t have any lube… Anyway, then Kurt asks his dad to study up in case he has any questions about gay sex…? Does anyone else think that’s a bit much to ask? Even for TV land that’s a bit much to ask!
At the assembly, Figgins lets the kids down easy and tells them that Kittie Dukakis won’t be speaking at the assembly. Meanwhile, the glang is in the back doing shots nervous about performing a Ke$ha song… Not sure why though. It’s just talking… Oh GROSS. They’re doing “Tik Tok.” It sort of works though cause Brittany is singing. Still, I hate this song. There’s something different and slower about the glee version, too. I didn’t think you could make this song any lamer but I guess you can. THEN Brittany does the splits and it makes having to listen to this worth it! Weeee!
What was I saying?
Now Britt is projectile vomiting on Rachel?
Okay maybe now I will like this song. Santana throws up too! I was hoping everyone would like in Stand By Me but they cap it off with a “Everybody drink responsibly” from Brittany.
The following day over the loudspeaker, Sue talks about the events of the assembly and how it’s all Shue’s fault. Then she plays his message. Emma hears and actually seems turn on by it. Either that or she was in awe at how over the top the drunk slurring was.
The whole glang is crammed into Figgins’ office, afraid of the consequences of the assembly. But Figgy only ends up congratulating them on their special effects and musical comedy skills. They even get coupons for half off fro yo cause they scared the kids of McKinley High sober…
In the choir room, Shue scolds everyone for what really happened. He tells them he’s decided to stop drinking all together and asks them to sign a no drinking policy until after Nationals. They agree to sign it cause their touched by Shue including his cell phone number in case they DO get back on the wagon.
At the coffee shop, Kurt preps Rachel for disappointment while she puckers up, waiting for another kiss with Blaine. He walks in right on queue and before he can barely get out a hello, Rachel plants a big one on the unsuspecting lad. Blaine immediately thanks her for helping him to realize he’s 100% gay. Then he asks her to hold his place in line cause he has to go the bathroom and Kurt walks up to console her. She doesn’t need it though cause now she finally has her inspiration to write a song… Awww. Everybody wins. Except us. Nooot really. I liked this ep! Well, the first half of it anyway…
Alright darlins’, thanks for sticking with me.
Talk at you next week.
yours and everyone else’s,
Gline O’ the Week
I’ve been dry heaving all weekend. When my mother asked what the sound was I said that I was practicing bird calls.” -Santana