Christmas time is, mittens down, my favorite time of year. So you can bet your yule log that ol’ Birschy’s got the sleigh all tuned up and ready to ride across the moon and head straight for a crash landing onto the rooftop of McKinley High.
So here’s what happened on this week’s Glee-
In the teacher’s lounge, Emma wants to make sure that her and Goody Two Shues are cool so she invites him to a Christmas party that her and her new Have Murrrcy hubby are throwing. Shue tells her he thinks it’s best that they have some time apart for a while. The Beiste walks in and has everyone draw a name out of a protein jar for Secret Santa. Shue gets to buy a gift for Sue. Judging by the look on Emma’s face, I’d say she drew Shue’s name. Or, there was a stick drawing with exposed genitalia, take your pick.
At the lockers, Brittany is helping Artie decorate his locker. (Still in the cold opening, btw.) Artie finds out that Brittany still believes in Santa… I hope this turns out to be like a typical Christmas flick where there actually IS a Santa and Artie is shamed for not believing in him… Wish-list-full thinking, I guess, but we’lllll see.
Awwwww! The glang is decorating a tree in the band room and singing “The Most Wonderful Time of Year.” Even Rachel and Puck are heebing, I mean, helping. This seems horribly contrived and I LOVE it. Good call on comparing the glee club to misfit toys… If only it was in stop animation then I’d already have my annual fix of the 1964 version of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer… Shue walks in and interrupts the Christmas cheer to let the glang know they’ll be Christmas caroling through the school for a good cause. He thinks they could use a little pick me up since they’re still being slusheed, even despite their winning sectionals.
BUT, they only get a few bars in of “We Need a Little Christmas” before the kids start the heckling. Even the teacher throws her shoe at them. Since the George W incident, this seems to be happening everywhere. I believe the shoe has now replaced the tomato.
The glang decorates a better tree that Shue got for them, as they commiserate about their almost fatal caroling experience. Brittany tells them not to worry cause she asked Santa for the club to stop getting picked on. Lauren Zizes is about to burst her bubble but Artie brings everyone in and tells them he has a plan so that Brittany will keep on believin’. While Artie is giving them the download, Rachel asks Finn to meet her in the auditorium the following day. Hmmm. I wonder what Christmas song it would take to win ME back? “Last Christmas,” but Rachel shouldn’t sing that… Still I think I heard somewhere that they cover this song so I hope that happens at some point.
At the mall, the whole glang takes Brittany for a visit with Santa Claus. Everyone gets on Santa’s lap and makes jokes relevant to their character.
Insert we’re both black people joke
Insert french fry joke
Insert boner joke
Insert pregger joke
Insert big lips joke
Insert Channing Tatum joke?
Insert Asian joke
Finally, it’s Brittany’s turn and she tells Santa all she wants for Christmas is for Artie to walk. Yikes… Annnnd commercial time.
Finn meets Rachel in the auditorium and she wants to sing him a Christmas apology song. He doesn’t wanna hear it and he bails but she sings “Merry Christmas, Darling” anyway. It’s an old Karen Carpenter song. It was nice. (Say “nice” in high pitch voice that tries to cover a lie.) Although, it did make me go to youtube and listen to the original, which now, I kinda like. And I didn’t before. Maybe that’s cause I can relate… Feel sorry for me! Rachel is feeling sorry for herself too as she walks through the halls watching Quinn kiss NGS under the mistle toe and Finn hang a star on the tree with Santana during her song. Man, Rachel is a PRO at sulking.
In his office, Shue writes out gift ideas for Sue. He can only come up with-
And what’s wrong with a dog robot?
Kurt is studying by a crackling fire at Dalton, when Blaine walks in and asks him to rehearse the duet “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT? I’m so happy they chose these two for this song. Of course, the number was peppered with lingering glances and uncomfortable too close moments. So far, this is my favorite song of the ep. BTW, we’ve had four songs already and it’s only 16 minutes into the episode! They must be crammin’ em like candy canes for the Christmas album… Shue shows up at the end for advice from Kurt as to what to get Sue for a Christmas present. Kurt admits he’s in love with Blaine AND knows just what to get for Sue.
In the halls, the Beiste, Shue and Pillsbury all realize that Sue is their secret Santa. In Sue’s office she admires her fur lined track suite from Shue (good call Kurt!) as she explains that she switched out the protein tubs and rigged the game. She also says that she hates Christmas, but loves presents. Shue accuses her of stealing Christmas and they draw another great parallel. Sue as the Grinch!
After she confiscates Lauren Zizes Santa hat, Sue returns to her office to find Shue taking her gifts back to give to needy kids, while the Bieste enjoys making a protein shake with what was supposed to be Sue’s new blender. Sue objects in her intimidating fashion and informs them that she’s already opened every gift and licked them all. But it doesn’t matter cause Shue’s got the law on his side. Then he makes fun of her for being a kid that never had a Christmas, and calls her a Grinch. She’s the good version of Grinch, though. The Dr. Suess one. Not the horrible creepy Jim Carrey Grinch.
The guys of glee talk the Beiste into dressing up like Santa Claus, breaking into Brittany’s house, and telling her that Santa won’t be able to grant her Christmas wish for Artie to walk. She agrees, even after they tell her she has the perfect body type to play Santa.
Sue takes the Grinch thing seriously and decides to steal Christmas from the glang. She paints herself green and even makes Becky wear a Max head piece.
No comment. Becky was so frickeen adorable I just had to take a picture to make it last longer.
To a Sylvesterfied version of the Grinch theme song, Sue slithers through the halls of McKinely and into the band room, where she dismantles all of the glangs Christmas efforts ornament by ornament. Who was singing the cover, btw? Jane Lynch? The mimicking of the original cartoon imagery was positively WHOsome…. Brittany, a la Cindy Lou Who, finds Sylvester Grinch hauling away Christmas from Nude Erections in an oversized bag. Brittany Lou Hou, of course, thinks she’s really Santa, and believes her when she says she has to fix a light on the tree. Soooo, she believes in Santa but not in the GRINCH? COME ON! You can’t have Christmas without him, either! Just like you can’t without a Red Ryder BB Gun…
The glang arrives the next morning to find the band room deChristmassioned. They all think McKinley is out to get them, but Brittany explains it was Santa Claus, which throws Will off of Sue’s eggnoggy scent. Rachel pulls Finn aside and suggests that they assume their leadership roles and go get another Christmas tree.
Rachels uses every excuse possible to get closer to Finn while they peruse the Christmas tree lot. Wham’s “Last Christmas” comes on over the loud speakers and I’m super excited about that until RACHEL sings the song! Oh, Finn joins in too, but WHY is Rachel singing? It should be the other way around contextually, AND because we already heard her sing! Bad call. Baaaaaad call. Besides, if ANYone was gonna sing this song, it shoulda been Goody Two Shues, right? He’s totally got the GM type voice… Rachel tries to kiss Finn after she murders one of my favorite Christmas songs ever, and Finn officially breaks up with her… What happened to the good old days, you guys? When Rachel was obsessed with Finn and Finn was the sweetest, most popular guy in school? Miss those days. At least Finn is acting more like a man this ep…
The glang goes all Gift of the Magi, and the boys pool together their sentimental watches. The girls are even going to cut off their hair. Shue walks in with another suggestion. His after school special speech inspires them to sing for someone who is really in need of some Christmas cheer. Who wants to bet that’s gonna be Sue and that her heart, now two sizes too small, will grow…
Brittany is putting her barbies to sleep when she hears a rustle in the living room. There she finds Biesty Claus-
and the most horrendous looking Christmas tree I’ve ever seen!
Holy silent night, if I found that in my living room Christmas morning I would assume my parents were eaten by the blob… Anyway, Biesty Claus tells her that he wont be able to grant her wish about Artie. Course she’s upset about it and at school the next day she tells Artie she doesn’t like Santa anymore cause he isn’t the miracle worker she thought he was. Shue tries to gather them in the halls for their good deed thing and Artie tells Shue he’s gonna take Brittany home cause she’s so bummed. Technically though, Brittany would be taking Artie to her house.
In the teachers lounge, the glang sings “Welcome Christmas” from How the Grinch Stole Christmas and urges the teachers to donate while they do. You know that song. It’s the song you can make up and nobody would ever know the difference. Of course, just like the Grinch up on Mt. Crumpit, Sue is bragging about having taken Christmas from Nude Erections right as she hears their sweet, auto tuned harmonies. Her and Becky follow the sound to the teacher lounge and realize Christmas isn’t a thing you can steal… Deep you guys. Deep as Santa’s never ending sac full of toys.
The glang is stoked on the money they raised raising everyone Christmas spirits and as they walk into the band room they find Artie with out his chair and some sort of contraption on his legs. A flashback reveals that when they got to Brittany’s the “re-walk” was under the Christmas tree. Or beside it, at least. It’s a real thing that turns people who can’t walk into RoboCop… Everyone proclaims a Christmas miracle and when the camera panned back to the Bieste watching Tiny Tim Artie with tears in her eyes, I shed a few m’self…
Shue returns home to find Sue in his living room with the same tree that was in the band room. She apologizes for stealing Christmas and gives Shue some clippers to shave his head. AWWWWW! With the blow of Sue’s shiny whistle the glang files in with more ornaments and now Shue won’t be alone on Christmas eve…
The End. But don’t worry kids, Frosty will be back next year.
Well, no appearances from the “real” Santa but we sure did get lots of faux Santas. And I happen to think they were just as jolly…
Thanks for sticking with me, my reindears.
Talk at you next week.
yours and everyone else’s,
Glines O’ the Week
“One of us smells like McDonalds” Mercedes to black Santa
“You have rights” Brittany to an elf
“You’ve gotten really tan.” Brittany to black Santa
“You’re a real Agatha Christy, but even more sexless.” Sue to Pillsbury