Artie is super excited about being a director but not for the reasons that everyone thinks. He doesn’t aspire to change the world with his vision and win an Oscar, he wants to boss people around. Part of being a director means you have to make decisions; something Artie cannot do as evidenced by Rachel’s costume.
Why is this even a costume that was made? Was the dress designer a five-year-old that thought it would be hilarious to put flowers where boobies would be?
While Blaine and Rachel are singing, Artie gives them the note that “it needs more sexuality;” something he knows a lot about seeing as he’s had it one full time.
In order for our leads to know about this “sexuality” they will need to have sex. You can’t read about it or watch movies about it, you have to sack up and do it! Glee kids are method!
Great going Glee! Let’s hop aboard the MTV Teen Mom train and encourage all the young viewers across America who haven’t seen Jersey Shore to have sex.
Finn is Rachel’s bitch during her campaign, hanging up posters all over the school. When he says he’s not sure who he’s going to vote for, she uses her feminine wiles or her “sexuality” to win over his vote. By “sexuality”, I mean a mouth kiss. Rachel doesn’t know what sex is yet.
They have a tender moment where they realize their dreams are coming true and then the opportunity for sex arises when Finn invites Rachel over to his house, sans-parental units. OMG! Are they gonna do it???
Kurt and Blaine have “the talk” about sex: Kurt wants sex and Blaine wants masturbation. How romantic.
They stick to just making out.
Artie asks Coach Beiste about sex and we find out that she’s not super active in the sexual department, meaning she’s a virgin. Shocking.
She has a crush on a man named Cooter Jenkins. And she says she likes men.
Blaine visits Dalton Academy, his old gay stomping grounds, only to walk in the Warblers singing the gayest rendition of Uptown Girl. How apropos.
The Warblers see him peeking in through the door and get super excited. What does Blaine do? He joins right in of course, knowing every single dance move and choreographed wink. Why did he ever transfer to McKinley?
Blaine has a “special” talk with Sebastian Smithe, who calls Blaine sex on a stick. Now here’s a boy who knows his “sexuality”!
To emphasize what kind of boy Sebastian is, they splice in bits of Santana’s rehearsal for “A Boy Like That.” It looks like Glee is living the “Westside Story” story.
Finn asks for sex advice from Puck, First Mistake. He then asks Puck about condoms but Puck doesn’t know anything about it because he never wears them. Awesome.
We then get the special treat to watch love grow between Coach Beiste and Cooter, a match made in campy comedy heaven. They talk tube socks and her lady boner is just raging.
Blaine asks Kurt is they are too sheltered as artists. You are in high school! Of course you are sheltered. You have the rest of your life to be beat around by the world.
Kurt tells Blaine he wants to have sex with Taylor Lautner in a bed of lilac before he gets fat and is immediately embarrassed by his boyish fantasy. To which Blaine replies “Don’t be. That’s hot.” If I’ve ever heard a more sheltered conversation…
Artie plays cupid and tries to hook up Beiste and Cooter, cause those two just can’t get on the same page! Artie finds out Cooter has been asking her out over and over again except he hasn’t actually said “will you go out with me”. He says things like “What about Applebees?” Men, you need to learn how to ask women out. This is a skill that men have lost through the process of evolution. It’s like we’re regressing back to caveman days. Pretty soon guys will just be clubbing girls over the head and dragging them back to their place. Honestly, how will these kids ever get together?
Sebastian is shamelessly putting the moves on Blaine no matter how many times he tells him he’s taken. What Blaine doesn’t understand is, once you’re on Dalton’s grounds, all boys are fair play. It’s like a gay hunting ground for young horny boys.
Kurt walks in on Sebastian’s attack. He is immediately jealous and begins behaving like a jealous Southern Belle.
Sebastian responds to the counter attack with an offer to get Blaine and Kurt fake ids so they boys can sneak into the gay bar, Scandals. Oh Ohio! What a delightfully on-the-nose-name to show just how you feel about homosexuals!
Finn and Rachel are having a romantic dinner with sparkling cider; at least they aren’t using alcohol to ease Rachel into her first time. Good example! Point: Glee!
Rachel says no to dessert so they can go “snuggle by the fire”. She must really want to snuggle because no girl say no to desse– ooooooohhhhhh.
Finn stops Rachel because she said wanted to wait until she won a Tony to have sex. What lonely lady bits she must have.
Finn is being the girl in the relationship during snuggle time, saying he wanted it to be special instead of on the floor at his parents house. He’s been saving up for a nice hotel, like the Mariott. Keep saving Finny boy.
She says he has to get “this done” before opening night. Finn feels used. So he leaves to go make dessert, like a lady.
Tiger dad is back! He is up-set about Mike doing the school musical. Turns out he’s upset because he wanted to be a tennis player and he realized he wasn’t good enough. He then threatens to disown Mike, to which Mike chooses dance over having a dad. The only thing this scene was missing was an emotional dance sequence where Mike dances his feelings with flair.
Cooter is making the moves on Beiste and she is just not getting it. He brings her flowers and she asks if he’s going to a graveyard. When he tells her that the flowers are for her, she says that she’s not sick. My kind of lady.
Cooter still perseveres, finally asking Beiste out on an official date. She doesn’t want to believe it, and he gets upset. She starts crying that she’s not a pretty girl. Oh Beiste, your lack of breakdowns is why we love you. Don’t lose it now!
Rachel calls an emergency meeting with the Glee girls AND the non-Glee girls to talk about herself. She has no idea about how to handle the sex stuff. She explains what happened with Finn and all the girls hate her even more than they already did. It’s really difficult finding any redeeming qualities about Rachel.
Time for Scandals! Of course Kurt gets a fake id with a rainbow on it. What would Glee be without hitting stereotypes over the head?
It’s Drag Queen Wednesday at scandals. It looks super sad and dark, but they still make a toast to the glamorous life. Ironic because there is nothing less glamorous than this bar.
Guess who’s at Scandals? Karofsky! Apparently Karofsky is a bear cub. This makes the whole club scene even sadder.
Sebastian continues to hit on Blaine right in front of Kurt. Blaine is way to innocent to understand, he just wants to dance! Kurt gets it so he diva’s out in between their dance and wins his precious Blaine back.
Blaine is very drunk and claims he wants to live in Ohio and make art. Then he tries to have sloppy drunk sex with Kurt, which leads Kurt to diva out yet again. He is going to lose his virginity on top of lilacs dammit!
It’s opening night of the musical and Rachel and Blaine admit to one another that they have not succeeded in cashing in their v-cards. Their totally rational concern is that the audience will know. They’re right. They should just do each other and get it over with.
Their accents are the worst, however, the most accurate depiction of high school Glee has done!
Kurt and Blaine apologize to each other. Awww.
Rachel goes over to finn’s house after the show. Finn is still upset, because he’s a lady. And he’s even more upset because Cooter doesn’t want to recruit him. Rachel feels bad and tells him she’s “going to give him something that no one else is going to get.” Her v-card. Awwww.
Everyone took opening night very literally.