Since having his ass handed to him after Nationals last season and having the added blow of not winning a Tony because Mr. Shu walked away from his Broadway dream in order to continue being beloved Mr. Shu to the McKinley High Glee club, Mr. Shu has turned over a new leaf. With his past disappointments and the stress of living with a severe OCD headcase, I can see why he would feel the need to assert his manhood elsewhere.
This week’s episode of Glee begins with a delightful scene which demonstrates just how big Mr. Shu’s balls have become. He’s in full-on drill sergeant mode as he rails Mercedes for being weaksauce after she mime-vomits into the trashcan. If you wanna sit out of Booty camp you gotta get method with your acting Mercedes, really produce some bile and then we can talk.
We take a peek at what has Mr. Shu’s panties in a twist, Emma. Ah, mornings. What a great time to bring up secret stashes of wedding magazines and autographed headshot of Vera Wang that you found when you were trying to snoop through your super-secretive-OCD-girlfriend’s things!
Don’t be embarrassed Emma. Mr. Shu has a clearly more embarrassing pile that he wants to share with you in an even more embarrassing feminine wicker box, although it is sort of fitting to have lady bits in a lady box.
Then they get into a discussion about why Emma won’t let Mr. Shu meet her parents, because that’s a plausible storyline; a man pleading to meet his girlfriend’s parents. Luckily Emma dodges the question and we don’t have to hear anymore of his whining about how she won’t let him into her life. But don’t you think for one second that this isn’t a set up to a scene later in the episode where we get to meet Emma’s wacky parental unit.
On to the stereotypes! Mike Cheng, ½ half on the signature asian couple, is in deep doo doo; he got an A- on a Chemistry test. Since A- translates to an Asian F, Mike’s dad has come to speak to the principal. I’ve heard of Tiger mom but a Tiger Dad? Looks like Glee flipped the script on this one guys.
Tiger dad asks Principal Higgins to keep an eye out on his boy so he won’t get an Asian F again and is convinced that Mike’s other half, Tina, is the root of the problem. A girlfriend is an Asian Problem. How can you study if you have a social life where you interact with other human beings? You can’t.
The best part is that Principal Higgins jumps aboard this whack-train and agrees that Tina is the devil, specifically a vampire, and therefore is trouble. Add a few more angsty vampire teens and you will have the next hottest hybrid show: High School Musical Vampires.
Apparently, Coach Beiste is the new spokesperson for ballet. The speech she gives to the football team about mandatory ballet lessons is more like a PSA than a demand. Did you know that football players who take ballet end up on Dancing with the Stars? Now that’s something to shoot for.
Favorite part of Beiste’s speech: The part where she admits she broke her foot when she kicked a fire hydrant after she found out Ace of Cakes was cancelled. After I laughed, I cried at the loss of my favorite show and am currently residing in a deep dark hole of emotions.
Mercedes’s boyfriend Marcus fuels her diva fire by telling her she has to squash Rachel, her competition. This isn’t just a school play, this is serious. Marcus is just setting her up so that she can be the Whitney to his Bobby Brown.
That’s it girl! Find your inner diva and let it out all over the place!
Tina tries to convince Mike to audition for Riff, the second male lead, and is alarmed to find out that Mike got an Asian F. I’m just alarmed that she trusts Mike can sing.
Kurt is all a twitter about his candidacy as president until Brittany steps up to squash his dreams with talk of a disappearing poop waterchair (i.e. toilet) and a killer dance number that shows the whole of her undercarriage.
Kurt is shaking is his little Dolce & Gabana ankle high snakeskin boots.
More audition drama! Is it just me or is this audition process taking forever? First all the hemming and hawing about whether or not Kurt can be Tony and now it’s ‘who’s the better Maria, Mercedes or Rachel?’ I don’t know, it’s too close to call: CALLBACK! If there’s anything that would infuriate a dive more, it’s a callback. You should be able to see her supreme diva-osity in the first go.
But this has to happen because we need to see a Westside Story sing-off. Let’s just save everybody time and energy by just accepting the fact that the lead is going to be Rachel.
As I watch Mike Chang have his Flashdance/Ghost moment, I know deep in my heart this is truly the Mike Chang episode. Glee strays from it’s normal format to take a look at the sensitive side of Mike Chang, the one that nobody really knows about, and then we watch him dance his little Asian heart out. I think that calls for an Asian A.
Somehow, the whole football team knows when Mike has his audition and joins him in wowing the directors. For a team that was anything but excited when Coach Beiste demanded ballet lessons out of all of them, there didn’t hold anything back in Mike’s audition. Also, aren’t you supposed to audition solo? And if we’re going into the technicalities of auditions, don’t you usually audition without a full band accompanying you? How does McKinley high afford to have a whole band on stage just waiting for the opportunity to play all day long?
I’m not a fan of this new “personal lunch therapy with Coach Beiste” bit that seems to happening in every episode of Glee this season. It’s bad enough I have to hear Mr. Shu complain about things all the time, because that is his way, but I don’t want to see Coach Beiste inhale another disgusting amount of greasy food as he does it. Two wrongs doesn’t make a right.
Kurt sucks up his pride and decides to be the giver instead of the receiver of flowers.
More Booty camp! Oh wait. It’s just a scene from Dreamgirls.
This time Mercedes has really done it! It seems like she blew her diva load too early and now Mr. Shu is threatening her with Glee club expulsion. This doesn’t really mean anything though, if I’ve learned anything from Glee it’s that Mr. Shu is just a series of empty threats. Mercedes will be back in Rachel Berry’s shadow in no time.
Back to Mike Chang and his angry alone dancing. This time Mama Chang walks in. Mike explains that he only feels special when he jumps and turns midair. Oddly, his mom understands this and fully supports his decision to disobey his dad and become an artist or an Asian Untouchable.
Awww. Mother son dance lesson.
Can anyone tell me why Artie keeps spraying binaca in his mouth and missing?
And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for: The Diva-off! This is the most dramatic callback I’ve ever seen.
Diva moment: Point Rachel
Diva Moment: Point Mercedes
Mr. Shu’s relationship has taken another bizarre turn when he goes behind Emma’s back and invites her “ginger supremacist” parents over for dinner. Apparently, the reason that Emma has not been introducing Mr. Shu to her parents is because they want to carry on the “ginger” seed, something he clearly cannot do with his brillo pad head.
We travel through Emma’s flashbacks to see the root of her many problems and listen to more of her parents’ jibes at her disorder that they caused. Mr. Shu puts on his manpants and smashes his tiny drama fists on the table. These gingers need to be stopped!
Kurt’s campaign is put under duress yet again when he finds out that Rachel is now running for president. Apparently she was inspired by Brittany’s flash dance mob and now really believes that ‘who run the world’ is girls.
Finally, the crackpot directing team has come up with a decision on who to cast as Maria: Rachel AND Mercedes.
That is the final straw on the Diva pile for Mercedes. Uh-uh! Mercedes does not share the spotlight with no one. Now Rachel’s victory is less than victorious. How is she going to brag about being the lead when she knows that the only reason she got is because of a default?
Arrgggh! More Mr. Shu/Emma Drama. It appears as if now he’s broken her and she’s off on an OCD tangent because of his insistence to prove that all parents love him. He’s Mr. Shu!
Then Mr. Shu sings Emma an extremely high-pitched Coldplay song. Now there’s a Mr. Shu solo that could have remained on the cutting room floor.
Finally! The results of the auditions are up!
Mr. Shu is still singing.
Rachel is Maria, of course. Blaine is Tony. Mike is Riff. Santana is Anita. It looks like everyone achieved his or her dreams this episode. But wait, no Mercedes.
It looks like Mercedes is joining forces with the dark side, Shelby’s Glee club.
Shelby, I am your diva.