Glee Recap: Fightin’ Dirtay

So this week kicks off with Puck fantasizing about Shelby stripping on the heels of their big kiss last week.  Sorry Mary Kay Latourneau and whatever-his-name-was, America has a new favorite teacher/student sex relationship.  The Hot For Teacher cover is pretty good though.  In 30 years Puck and Finn have the potential to be the kick ass Van Halen cover band that embarrasses their daughters by playing at their weddings.

Sue has a campaign commercial that says Burt has a baboon heart.  Someone better tell her that she’s going to need to funnel that ad money through a Super PAC and an issue group.  CAMPAIGN FINANCE RULES WERE NOT WRITTEN FOR YOUR CONVENCIENCE SUE SYLVESTER!  At least the ad was factual.  Or maybe not.  Mr. Shu does not like that Sue has turned Burt’s heart surgery into a campaign issue but Emma won’t let him fight back with an ad claiming Sue has 6 nipples like a cow because they teach their kids to be honest.

Brittany is using the Sylvester playbook and promises root beer water fountains and robot teachers if she is elected class president, which everyone loves.  Apparently no one at McKinley has seen Terminator 1, 2, 3, 7, 18 or 34 because robot teachers are the beginning of the end my friends.

Sue: “campaigns are about fighting dirty”

Kurt: “We will never fight dirty”

Thank you both for providing obligatory foreshadowing that will allow Sue to get in trouble for fighting dirty.

Shelby and Mr. Shu launch their plan to take advantage of the petty fighting between the two rival glee clubs.  Mashoff!

Apparently a mashoff is where the two groups prepare mashups and compete against each other.  And then the student body votes on who sounded the most like Girltalk.  Or something.

Puck is still going after Shelby during school hours.  He corners her against a door frame while 50 other students walk by AND SEE NOTHING.  I could see how a popular kid with a Mohawk almost making out with a teacher right in front of you could get past you.

Back to the mashoff.  What to sing, what to sing?  After exhausting a list of bands I would actually, really like to hear them sing and the Spice Girls, Finn settles on Hall and Oates.  Come on Maneater. (Did you know that on their Wikipedia page their genre is listed as “blue-eyed soul?”  What the hell does that even mean?)

And who better to sing the solo than Rory.  He’s our own little Sinead O’Connor.

Finn tries to get Rory to insult Santana and Brittany.  Rory is a little out of his comfort zone and says something about how they might have all died in the potato famine.  It doesn’t go well.  The trash talking strategy deflected, Finn goes to plan B.  Dodgeball.  This should be better for Rory.  He’s Irish and dodgeball is much more like fighting.

Rachel goes to Shelby for help with a letter of recommendation except she wrote the letter for her. Which Shelby signs without even reading. It seems like if you are going to sign something for a student, you should know what you are signing.  Whatever it’s not a mortgage.  Or is it?  Maybe season 4 will be all about Shelby trying to do a short sale on her house.

Dodgeball is on.  The New Directions have several football players and like 8 more people than the Trouble Tones and somehow manage to lose and bloody Rory’s nose in the process, which causes Kurt to become apoplectic.  Seriously Kurt calm down.  He’s Irish.  A bloody nose is what happens on the way to the bar.

Trouble in Trouble Tone Town.  After deciding to sing Adele for the mashup Santana and Mercedes start fighting about who is the leader of the group.  Will it be Mercedes because she is a great singer and generally positive member of the group who has good ideas or Santana, because she wants to kick all male members of the New Directions in the nuts?  Mercedes wins the vote and gives me a small amount of hope in America’s ability to choose stuff.

Santana goes off on an insult rampage against Finn and Finn calls Santana a coward for not coming out of the closet.  I don’t know what to make of that.  No one deserves to be publicly outed during a petty dispute, but seriously Santana.  Stop being a bitch.

Sue is back on TV saying Burt is married to a donkey.  Takes one to know one I always say.  Burt is pissed and wants Mr. Shu to start running dirty ads too.  Come on Shu, say something.  The woman owns nothing but Run DMC track suits.  The ads practically write themselves.

Meanwhile Puck decides the best way to get into Shelby’s good graces pants is to tell her that Quinn tried to get Beth taken away from her.  And it looks like it’s working.  Shelby’s face either says “this is very upsetting news” or “please do sex to me now.”  Tough to tell

Holy 80’s blazers and high tops! The new directions take the stage with “You Make My Dreams Come True.”  No Maneater?  Well, there’s still 15 minutes left.  You get a pass for the moment Finn.

Shelby gives death stares to Quinn the whole time because now she knows the truth. Now she is going to make sweet sweet love to puck in thanks for sharing the truth, at least that’s what puck hopes.

It’s assembly time where the candidates for president debate. How long is this campaign?? Doesn’t it usually only take like a week.

Rick the stick Nielson is the king of the mullets and apparently is running for office.  Good for him.  Whoever he is.  Brittany says that she will make tornados illegal at McKinley and pledges to go topless every Tuesday.  Someone needs to tell this is not hippy dippy communist France.  We want our women clothed.  Unless they are on the Internet.  I do have to give her credit though.  Topless Tuesdays.  I wouldn’t have thought she would be smart enough to pick the alliterative option.  Very catchy.

Kurt wants to fight obesity at the school. And he refuses to be bullied.  He also wants to ban dodgeball.  He calls it the equivalent to modern day stoning.  No more dodgeball!  It really does get better.

Rachel withdraws from the presidency and asks everyone to vote for Kurt.  Maybe she can be secretary of State.

Shelby won’t let Quinn see Beth anymore on account of the trying to get Beth taken away by child services and Quinn calls Beth a cash whore.  Seems like bad news for Quinn, but there could be a fun Raising Arizona style baby kidnapping sideplot.

Sue’s dirty campaign tactics have caused a new ad to be made that identifies Santana as a lesbian.   Santana of course blames Finn for this instead of bothering to notice

1. If she hadn’t been acting like a megabitch to Finn he would have been happy to just see who was a better singer/dodgeball thrower
2. If  Sue hadn’t been making shit up about people having sex with baboon hearted donkeys that ad wouldn’t exist in the first place.

Meanwhile Finn is very confused when Santana slaps him in the face.  I guess the important thing here is that nobody learned a lesson.  Perhaps the more important question is what song they can use next week when Santana finds out this isn’t the worst thing in the world.  Born This Way has come and gone already this season.  Maneater anyone?