Glee Recap: The same thing they do every night, Sectionals

Quinn is going to get Shelby fired because she’s sleeping with puck. Then Shelby will be declared an unfit mother and quinn can swoop in and be the mom she always wanted to be. No matter what happens, this is going to be a great story for a 10 year old Beth to tell her psychologist in her 7^th year of therapy.

Glee club is busy picking a song for sectionals. Finn says he can’t possibly pick a song until they bring back Sam and his pretty mouth.  We also learn the interesting  tidbit that Mr. Shu doesn’t know how to work Facebook.  I wonder which character he would get in the “Which Glee Character Are You” quiz.

Kurt and Blaine are having a couple double half-caf, half skim, vanilla blended mocha-somethings and guess what Kurt brings up?  I swear to god if I have to hear Kurt talk about NYADA one more time I’m going to scream-ada. (Get off my back commenters.  It’s called a slant rhyme).  Hey Kurt you know how many other colleges in the country have musical theater?  All of them.  ITT Tech has musical theater at this point.  And you know how many big time Broadway stars graduated from a musical theater department?  Not most of them.  Move to Williamsburg, get a job as a bar back on Fire Island, start auditioning and quit you bitching already!  OK, I feel better now.

Anyway, turns out Kurt doesn’t like Sebastian and tells him so.  Sebastian says Kurt has gay face, and while Sebastian is a terrible, arrogant human being, he does know gay face when he sees it.

But I do have to say, “you smell like craigslist” is the greatest gay insult given from one gay man to another gay man in the history of television.  Well played Kurt.

Finn and Rachel go to Sam’s place of work, think that they are in a dinner theater and then innocently find out that Sam is a stripper.  Kind of.  He’s the kind of stripper that leaves his boxer briefs on.  Finn and Rachel don’t think he should be doing this but he made 60 bucks!  60 buck?  Stripping is not what it used to be when I was in high school.

Sam’s hair looks way better. He’s not trying to appear a teen anymore because he’s been hardened by the rough road stripping has led him down.

Sam has to ask his dad if he can go back to high school at Mckinley. His parents have no idea that he’s a stripper and are confused as to why DQ asks him to put glitter all over his face. THE SIGNS ARE ALL THERE PEOPLE!!  But the good news is Sam packs up his glitter face and a few hot wings from the strip club buffet and heads back to Ohio.

Everyone is so excited to see sam. So excited that they pop open the bubbly, apple cider.

Sam celebrates his comeback by singing red solo cup.  Is this a real song?  Wikipedia says it’s by Toby Keith but the words sound like your uncle would make up at a family Reunion.

Quinn wants to pair up with Sam in every way possible.  And she gives him the hard sell.  Why does she think that it is appealing to high school boys to tell them that she will soon have a baby they can help raise?  It didn’t make Puck want to come back to her and he MADE THAT CHILD.  Sam tells her she has rich white girl problems. Clearly she doesn’t know what problems are until she walks a mile in a male stripper’s glittery underpants.

Tina is trying to get Mike to chase his dream of being a dancer, but Mike says he has already applied to Stanford.  Premed.  Applying to undergrad premed?  Totally a real thing you can do.  Tina tells him that by becoming a doctor he is acting like a coward, which goes over about as well as you’d expect.  I wish this show had title cards at the end of scenes just so I could see them put one here that said “Big Trouble in Little China.”

Sam says they need to sell sex for sectionals (sex-ionals?).  Blaine is happy being fabulous and does not want to be sexy.   He insinuates that Sam is a stripper and possibly a hooker and walks out.

Finn finds Blaine in his secret boxing gym punching a bag he wishes was Sam and his asshole, sexy face.  Blaine wants to know why Finn has been so mean to him since he got there.  And surprise, surprise, it’s because he was Jealous of Blaine—the most talented, well rounded member of the glee club.  After Rachel that is.  Don’t you ever forget that.  That’s all blaine needed to hear. He’s back. That was the quickest stomp out stomp back ever.

Sam has his sights set on Mercedes. He wants her back and he’s going to get her, with those luscious enormous lips. He’s just going to open them up, curl them around the entirety of her body and drag her in, where they can be together forever.

Tina goes to Mike’s dad in his intimidating office to tell him to appreciate his son’s tremendous dancing talent.  Tiger dad is having none of it rejects the copy of Mike dancing in Westside Story Tina so painstakingly bootlegged.  No son of his is going to be happy.

Troubletones offer the new directions the opportunity to join their ranks and glee club is offended. How dare they.  They wouldn’t be part of  your stupid glee club if it was the last glee club on earth.  Well…maybe if it was the last glee club.  They really like to sing.

The first group up in sectionals is the unitards.  Glee chose to go the safe route by not making them a show choir of mentally disabled kids.  But I guess you can only be so edgy.   Also, the only person that seems to sing in this group is Lindsay, the Glee Project girl (Harmony).  If I’ve learned anything from watching Glee, it’s that show choir is a team sport.

Just like every James Bond villain, Quinn goes right up to Shelby and tells her the evil plan to get her fired.  And just like James Bond Shelby says she’s cutting off the sex thereby totally ending a conflict in the story.

Troubletones sing I will survive/survivor mash up. They have a lot of anger as a girl group. They’re like the Alanis Morisette of girl groups.  And they get a standing ovation.  But here’s the thing, they’ve been talking about how they have sectionals in the bag for a couple of weeks, but a significant portion of their choreographed dancing is just them standing in three lines doing jumping jacks.  The handi-capables, or whatever their names were, before them had kick ass choreography.

New directions pull the Michael Jackson card.  And they’re not doing jumping jacks or anything.  Even Sebastian stands up and claps along.  Tina has finally come to the front, I don’t think she’s had a solo in a really long time. It seems like Rachel leaving has given other people a chance to shine.  Team sport people, this is what I’m talking about.  Mike’s dad shows up and does not storm the stage and commando carry Mike off to med school.  Awwww.

The second Jackson song they do is Janet’s control.  Again, Glee you have picked a song to fit the plot that I do not want to hear.  It gives me weird feelings inside, like watching a German film.  Seems like you could have gotten just as much mileage out of Billie Jean and I would be a happier camper.

Finally the boys come forward and do Man in the Mirror.  Yes.  You have finally picked a song that demands a full choir.  And it sounds awesome.  Well done people that pick songs.  Timeout!!!  Everyone click to 47:36 on your DVR’s.  Who the hell is this kid?  Artie moves better than he does.  Mike’s dad is very impressed.  He’s going to support Mike in his dream. Looks like he’s headed for a PhDance (Yes!!).

Time for the awards ceremony.  The Unitards  are really excited to finish in 3^rd out of what seems to be 3 choirs.  Maybe their name is appropriate.  Then the moment of truth.  And it’s….a tie.  Everyone gets to move on!  Just kidding.  The Troubletones lost, the New Directions win.  And Quinn didn’t even need to get Shelby fired to do it.

And in case you didn’t realize that, Quinn has a heartfelt moment with Rachel where she announces that she’s not going to tell after all and guess what?  She’s going to Yale, because, why not.

Then it’s off to the bathroom to make peace with the Troubletones.  She invites them back to the New Directions and promises they’ll be allowed to sing.  And it’s time for one more number to celebrate.  We Are Young, by Janelle Monae.  Everyone sings together and we’re one big happy family again.