Glee: Sexppho-fied

Hark! Hark I say! Sound the bells my sweet, hunchbacked Lezzimodo! Ring those glorious giant choach shaped chimes with all your might, cause THIS is the Glee episode ol’ Birschy has been waiting for! Who cares if they intravenously fed us the reasons for teen abstinence, while spoon feeding us the benefits of sex education, I LOVED it, cause FINALLY Santana and Brittany confess their feelings for each other. Well, at least Santana did. Brittany sort of has already. Ever since the show’s introduction of this hot, inseparable duo, it’s what I’ve been dreaming of, and finally, those visions of Cheerios dancing together in my head, have come true… What’s MORE, Burt Hummel gave the best damn sex talk I think any television dad has ever delivered in the history of television. Ever. I wasn’t even that into the music this episode, but I was so pleased with the plot that I hardly noticed… Anyway, more on this stuff later, I need to cool down and remember to talk about things in the order they actually happen…

The ep starts off fittingly with the delicate tap of a gavel by Emma Pillsbury. She’s heading the two members large Celibacy Club and recalls the minutes where Rachel quizzes Quinn about her supposed non-existent relationship with Finn. Emma seems even more uptight then usual and hints at the fact that she still might be a virgin… Then she introduces chastity charms to the girls. Personally, I liked the old fashioned medieval belt version. Much more my style.

Now on QVC but only for the next 2 hours!

In the teachers lounge, Will consoles Emma. She’s disheartened over her lack of success, preaching abstinence to the kids at McKinley. He tells her he’ll help her do whatever she needs “to fight the good fight” but then everybody’s fav substitute teacher, Holly Holiday walks in and thinks that’s not very realistic. Yup, that’s right Gwyneth Paltrow’s back! And this time it seems she’s got more zingers up her sleeveless sleeves than last time…. Holiday and Pillsbury duke it out over preaching abstinence vs sex education. Holiday points out that Shue’s kids are especially uneducated and could use some help. And I didn’t think it was possible, but Emma’s eye’s get even wider when she notices Shue falling all over himself for Holiday. Although it is possible I’ve used that joke before…

At the lockers, Santana asks Brit Brit if she wants to come over to her place to cuddle and watch Sweet Valley High. As much as Brittany wants to get her “sweet lady kisses on” she’s not feeling very sexy cause she thinks she’s pregnant. She asks Santana not to tell anyone, especially Artie. Santana doesn’t finish the whole sentence saying she won’t before she tells Tina. Tina tells Puck. Puck tells Zizes and Zizes tells Artie. The timing in that scene was awesome. It leads us to the choir room with Two Shues asking Artie why he looks so shocked. Artie asks Brittany why she didn’t tell him and we learn that Brittany thinks she prego cause a stork is building a nest on her roof… Been there, Britt. I got in a fight with a boy in the 4th grade cause I though babies came out of belly buttons, thus the hole. True story. I remember feeling so betrayed when I told my mom I had defended her honor and she told me that the horrible little boy was right. Then it sunk in and I was horrified…

Will visits Holiday’s Jazzer-size class cause Brittany’s ignorance made him realize his kids really do need her help. The side pony tailed sporting Holiday says they have to do it without them almost knowing. Like sneaking in vegetables into children’s food. So she’s gonna pretend she’s coming to class to work on their stuff for Regionals but really she’ll be giving them a lesson on STDs. When Holiday asks Shue about his love life he tells her he’s President of the Celibacy Club, which to his wiener’s surprise, she thought was a “good waste of man butt.”

BTW, no joke. Jazzer-size is apparently making a come back…

Shue writes “sexy” on the whiteboard and fumbles around trying to bring up sex stuff with the kids. Holiday walks in with an big applause from the glang and cuts right to the chase. She calls out Finn and Brittany for their not being in the know when it comes to the S.E.X. and then my head starts spinning around cause she goes into Joan Jett’s “Do You Wanna Touch.” Holy POWtrow! Right in the kisser! I enjoyed this very much, thank you. Man, she sounded great. It’s not really a singer’s song, sure, but it only needed to sound sexy/bad ass, and surprisingly, it did. That’s hard to do on Glee. I much preferred this to the “Forget You” performance. Holiday may not have been wearing a duster and flashing a bikini like Joan did, but at least they had the glang pretend to flash their “tits” as a bit of a shout out to the original.

NO! MORE! MORE, I SAY!

Sue Sylvester surprises the gays at the Warblers’ favorite hang out. She dumps every type of sweetener into her coffee while she tells Blain and Kurt that Shue is working on making Nude Erections sexier for Regionals. When Kurt won’t give Sue any intel in return, she informs him he’s made an enemy and bails. Now Blain thinks the Warblers need to come up with something “sexyfied” to impress the judges… The Warblers? Sexyfied? I’m not even sure what means exactly but I’ll bet ya the Warblers can’t pull it off.

Emma Pillsbury storms into the teachers lounge cause she’s disappointed that Will let Holiday do a bunch of gyrating in front of the glang. In fairness, Will proposes Emma sing a song about celibacy and she gladly accepts. In the halls, Zizes lays some good news on Puck about getting laid, finally. She wants to make a sex tape so she can be famous. This feels a little out of character for me but I’ll buy it in hopes of getting to see a Puckcake. (Somebody slap me!)

The Warblers have invited an all girl’s school to a strange abandoned warehouse so that the girls can tell them whether their performance is sexy enough. They sing Animal’s “Neon Trees,” and immediately lose any chance at being sexy cause they’re singing the “na na na na na nas” rather than the guitar riff… There were bubbles though. Sooo, that was fun. Maybe the bubbles were made of vodka somehow cause the Warblers still made the girls from Country Day week in the knees. A few of them even asked Blaine for his phone number afterwards and he gave them a snobby “Sweet, but not on your team.” He also tells Kurt he doesn’t know how to make a sexy face. I just thought Blaine was mad he had to share the spot light with someone else for once…

Britt is over at Santana’s and I’m hoping for some make out action but all Brittany wants to talk about is feelings. She thinks they should talk to someone about their relationship and Santana says she’s “not interested in labels unless it’s on something she shoplifts.” But while she says that she has that confused Karofsky look on her face…

Zizes and Puck are studying a Kim Kardashian sex tape online in the library when Holiday casually asks what they’re up to. Puck asks for her opinion but Holiday points out that they could get arrested for selling child pornography. Then she walks away, makes an awesome literary reference about JD Salinger and a sex tape, and runs into Brittany and Santana.

In Holiday’s zen-like “sexy sacred circle,” both Santana and Britt aren’t sure when Holiday asks if either of them are lesbians. Of course, there’s mention of Ani D’Franco and softball but then Holiday says something actually kind of wonderful’ “It’s not about who you’re attracted to, it’s who you fall in love with.” So they decide that they’ll be able to at least start a dialogue and talk about their true feelings if they sing a song. Of course, they’ll need Holiday’s help… I just hope I don’t fall off of the edge of my seat before then.

Kurt is getting frustrated cause he can’t make a sexy face. Blaine tries to talk to him about sex but Kurt prefers romance. “That’s why I like musicals. The touch of a finger tip is as sexy as it gets.” Which is adorable. But I’m not sure I agree… Kurt gets so embarrassed and frustrated that he tells Blaine to leave.

“Thank ya. Thank ya very much.”

Goody Two Shues is working on his “sexy lesson” and asks Holiday for a little help. He wants to do Prince’s “Kiss” as a tango. Holiday is intrigued and so a few properly carriage-d dance moves and a lotta male eye liner later, Shue and Holiday are singing “Kiss” and doing the tango. Was the dancing just supposed be a tango? Or was the actual song supposed to be re-imagined in tango? I was confused. Cause I though it was going to be a Tango-y version of “Kiss.” Anyway you dance it, it was alright. Gwyn was hot. Very tall. And hot. Morrison made a lot of angry sexy faces and was a little shorter than Paltrow. They sounded pretty good in their lower registers, but the upper were clearly auto-tuned. The song appropriately ends with a passionate kiss and Holiday tells Shue they can’t be together cause she’s damaged goods and even though that means she’s great in the sack, he’s too good a guy and she’ll end up hurting him. Go for the hurt, Shue!

Blaine pays a visit to Burt at his car repair shop to have a chat about Kurt. Blaine tries to encourage Burt to give Kurt a “birds and the birds” talk… Blaine could only wish for a dad like Burt and he points out that he may be over stepping his boundaries by the suggestion. Burt thinks Blain IS over stepping his boundaries Still you can tell it sunk in to that sweet, bald, man’s man noggin of his.

In glee, Santana, Brittany and Holiday sing a DIxie Chick’s version of Stevie Nick’s “Landslide.” Although I’m not a fan of this particular cover, I loved this. ( Of course I did, I’m a gaybo! For the record, I much prefer The Smashing Pumpkin’s cover. But it’s the context I’m considering with Billy Corgin that stabs me in the heart every time I hear it..) Lots of weighted glances between Santana and Brittany, and even some moving moments from Santana made me swoon at the authenticity. Holiday and Santana sounded pretty good together, and never mind that the harmonies were auto-tuned to hell cause it was Santana’s song to Brittany!!!

Rachel seems to be the only one who gets what’s really happening and applauds the “trio for exploring the uncharted world of sapphic charm.” But then Santana gets all insecure about labels again and walks out of the choir room. RIGHT INTO MY HEART. Okay enough gaybo gushing… Sorry guys. It’s just, you know, like Rachel said…

The Celibacy Club is questioning the motives behind their newest member, Puck. He says he’s there cause Zizes almost got them arrested due to her wanting to make a sex tape. Eventually he’s accepted but pretty much because they need a guy to sing in the next day’s performance promoting celibacy. They need yet another guy though… Hmm. Who will that be? It’s not quite a FULL HOUSE yet, is it…? (Somebody shoot me for that one.)

In the auditorium, the Celibacy Club, aka Rachel, Quinn, Puck, Emma and her husband, Dr. Have Murrrrrcy, sing The Starland Vocal Band’s “Afternoon Delight.” Of course, we love John Stamos. Who doesn’t love John Stamos? Something is wrong with you if you don’t… The whole thing was just so perfectly hokey, I couldn’t help but smile. It was short but sweet. Very sweet. Seriously, it made me want some pecan pie they kept showing so many damn desserts.

Suggestive cherry pie?

After the song is over, Holiday spoils the purity of the mood though and tells Emma the song really isn’t about dessert, it’s about having sex in the afternoon. The glang clears out and Dr. Have Murrrcy asks for Holiday’s help and wants to have a counseling session with Emma. Uh oh, trouble in virgin paradise…

Pamphlets on gay sex slap down onto the Hummel dining table, and Kurt automatically starts singing with his fingers in his ears. After Burt finally gets him to sit down and promise he’ll read the pamphlets, Burt Hummel delivers the best father to gay son, heck, the best father to son, DOUBLE heck, the best parent to child sex talk, I have ever heard on television. I know I said that up top but this needs to be said again. I believe Glee is suggested for ages 14 and up? If I had a 14 year old, I would watch this with my kid and then I would write to the producers and writers of Glee to thank them for doing one of the more difficult part’s of my job. Not to mention, the guy who plays Burt is absolutely subtly wonderful. I remember watching the guy do improv at iO West, and I couldn’t be prouder of where he is now.

World’s Greatest (tv) Dad

In a Holiday counseling session, Emma and Dr. Have Murrrcy reveal to Holly that they’ve never had sex. When they try to get to the bottom of why that might be, Emma admits that she still has feelings for Will Shuester. Dr. Have Murrrrcy says Emma and “her feelings can stay at the condo, while he stays at the Radisson.” Emma makes Hollyday promise she won’t tell Shue… Here was yet another scene where it was the talent of the actors that really were responsible for making it so awesome. All three of ‘em. Wonderful. Paltrow carried it with her comedic timing, but Stamos and Mays held it up with their truthfulness.

Oh shit. Here it comes. Santana is approaching Brittany at her locker and she looks serious… Santana drops the L-Bomb and tells Brittany she’s realized that the only reason she’s such a bitch is because she’s angry that she has feelings for Brittany, and she’s afraid of dealing with the consequences of those feelings cause that would mean everyone would know she’s a gaybo. Brittany says she loves her back but she can’t be with her cause she doesn’t wanna hurt Artie. This upsets Santana, “Wow, whoever thought that being fluid meant you could be so stuck” and when Britt tries to console her she doesn’t wanna be touched and walks away… Listen, I KNOW I am immensely biased, but holy wow did I tear up watching this scene. AGAIN, the acting here was perfect…

Zizes calls Puck being a nerd for joining the Celibacy Club and Puck tells her he doesn’t think sleeping around and doing dumb shit like that is cool anymore. Zizes plants a big one and says she’ll join the newly sensitive Puck in the club as long as they can play footsies…

I’m not sure how they’re gonna play footsies though cause while a meeting is in session they sit next to each other and not across from one another. Any experienced footsie player knows you have to sit ACROSS from one another to do the foot in the crotch thing… Anyway, Rachel is now heading the club because Emma is out apparently trying to save her marriage. The club is also growing in numbers. Aside from Zizes, Santana, Brittany, and Artie have now joined. Everyone in the club wants to know what the deal is with Quinn’s hickey. She tells them it’s a curling iron burn and they cut to Finn waking up next to her saying he’ll “be more careful with the hickey placement next time.” Finn questions Quinn’s intentions but she tells Finn “he should have been her first,” and that she belongs with Finn. Oooooooh! Here comes the Rachel Berry heart break! Can’t wait.

Shue is dancing with a light bulb in the auditorium and Holiday interrupts his rehearsal. She tells him she’s leaving to go teach algebra at another school and also because she received a few parental complaints about her cucumber demonstrations, so she’s come to say good bye. But really, she wanted to say hello—to his wiener… “I know a lot about sex Will, but maybe it’s time I learned a little something about romance.” And then I barfed on my Shues cause Will says “I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I happen to be an excellent educator,” and dips her for a kiss. Still, this makes me happy cause that means we’ll get to see more Holly Holiday. And of course, the timing is perfect cause Emma is breaking it off with Dr. Have Murrrrcy.

And there you have it. Probably one of my favorite episodes ever, and the music was just okay. Plus, there seemed to be a minimal amount of our beloved one liners… Go figure… Okay, I’m back- I did go figure and I have to give all the credit to the actors on this show. They’re all amazing. Even Matthew Morrison is becoming more believable. Whoever said the acting is over the top in general can SUCK IT… Or maybe it’s that it IS over the top still and yet somehow amazingly still compelling and genuine… That’s Glee for ya… Ol’ Birschy’s got a good feeling about the next ep, you guys…

Thanks for sticking with me, my gleeloveds.

Talk at you next week!

Yours and everyone else’s,

BirschTalk

Gline O’ the Week (First time ever by a guest star!)

“My lips are sealed. Just like your legs” -Holly Holiday to Emma Pillsbury