Glee Recap: Extraordinarily Disappointing Christmas Special

The show opens with Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas” and I already know I’m gonna love this episode. What can possibly go wrong when they start with the very best song in the whole wide world? Later I would find out just how wrong I could be.

The Glee kids waste a whole roll of wrapping paper, for what, just to run through. It wasn’t even a dramatic entrance or anything. Trees died to make that paper; paper that was ironically covered in Christmas trees.

Then Finn and Rachel kiss to end the number. Well, it was almost perfect.

Rachel gives Finn a list so that he knows exactly what she wants for Xmas because she claims he’s been stressing about what to get her. The extent of boy stress over gifts happens the night before when he can’t find the right chocolate bar at the drugstore.

Apparently he was worried about it while he sprayed his feet with athlete’s foot spray. That’s when Finn does his thinking. It must be a great feeling to know that your boyfriend is reminded of you while fighting fungus.

After Rachel and Finn go over the list together, Finn has the “Oh no what have I done” look on his face and he says that he is dating Kim Kardashian. If he were dating Kim Kardashian, he would have been broken up in 72 days and have at least 5 stretched out pairs of boxer shorts that he will have to throw out.

Sue asks Glee club to sing for the homeless because her plans to shoot reindeer with Sarah Palin from a helicopter were cancelled. Welcome to September 2007 Glee writers.

Despite their shock over her somewhat good deed, the Glee kids accept. Then Sue calls Blaine a “young Burt Reynolds”, which means she is calling him a sexy hairy beast. At first, Blaine is offended but then a pleased smile stretches across his face as he thinks of all the men he could attract with his new moniker. Mostly bears.

I just transitioned to big boy underwears!

The Irish kid finally gets to talk! It’s a Christmas miracle!  After his one leprechaun episode, I was under the impression he went mute or underwent some major throat surgery or just got too big for his leprechaun britches so the Glee writers had to cut him back down to size.

Rory doesn’t have any family coming this Christmas so he has to sing about it. He’s still wearing green. They really won’t let go of this leprechaun premise. Unless green is just the color that brings out his eyes.

He looks roughly 5 years old with his lily white skin that has never seen a day of stubble and then they cut to Blaine who looks like a middle aged man in comparison, with his 5 o’clock shadow just fighting through all the layers of makeup.

Glee is all back together and everybody is so very happy because it is such an extraordinary Christmas. Then the news gets even better! Glee is getting their own televised special! But not because they are oh-so talented and the world wants to see them perform. The channel was no longer allowed to run the footage of a burning yuletide log and they have an hour to fill. This is news that destroys Puck’s world. It’s not Christmas without the televised log hour. He loves that log!

Rachel is beyond. It’s always been her dream to perform cheesy Christmas songs on a local channel for les than 50 viewers.

Mr. Shu tells Artie he can direct, but Artie is dismayed because he promised himself he would never sell out and do television. This is something Artie really needs to think about, because, the moment you get paid, it isn’t really considered art and a piece of you dies and burns eternally in the fiery flames of anti-artist hell. But on the other hand, he’s gots to pay the bills.

Did you drop something?

A new relationship is developing as Rory and Sam realize they really get each other. They have both left their families behind and are the only kids in school who know what real tragedy means.

How bromantic!

Sam’s always doing things without his family on account of how poor they are and Brittany’s family is just straight up leaving Rory behind to go do Christmas in Santa Fe. What kind of heartless exchange family leaves a foreign child in their home all alone? Is that even legal?

I am not a sensitive individual.

Mr. Barowski, the TV exec, is just wandering the halls of McKinley High, for creepy reasons unknown. He spots Artie in the halls and calls him “the real Tiny Tim.” Barowski then promptly says, “Oh sorry, Tiny Tim could walk.” CAPITAL SNAP! They went there.

Artie says he has a dream about directing the Christmas special and Chewbacca was there so that means the Christmas special has to be Star Wars themed. What I think that means is that Artie should lay off the pot brownies a little bit. Although, with upwards of 50 people watching the special, I don’t think it really even matters. Bring on the Leia buns and the storm troopers! It’s Christmas for everyone!

Now is the time when everybody gathers in the auditorium to “rehearse” well-produced songs. Rachel sings “It’s Coming on Christmas” with amazing choreography that features her on a stool and then on a rock and then in a standing position. Her deftness at going from sitting to standing really took my breath away.

Artie is pissed; this is a far cry from his Star Wars Christmas Extravaganza. He is getting to be one of those crazy directors that create art films that no one understands and are only displayed in modern art museums filled with ladders and broken toilet installations.

Rachel thinks that the reason her song didn’t go well is because she didn’t have the appropriate amount of bling. Yeah, that’s it. Diamonds in your earlobes would have made Artie appreciate your song way more. Rachel! Artie is in crazy town. I repeat: CRAZY TOWN! There is nothing you can sing that will bring him out of it. All you have to do is spread jam on his nose and make a bunch of laser noises until he finally settles down.

Post “rehearsal”, Rachel demands her bling early.

Finn instead gives her a picture of a holiday hog.

Rachel does not like hog.

Again, it must be great that hogs remind your boyfriend of you. None of these things inspire of vote of confidence in Finn.

This “give me my present” story line just makes me hate Rachel even more. She can’t possibly look any more selfish and greedy than she does at this point. It’s not even an enjoyable plot point, it just makes me angry every time I see her on screen. I can’t imagine why she has anyone who talks to her anymore with her lack of soul.

I do not love this song nearly as much as Blaine does.

Blaine and Rachel sing another Christmas song that was less than thrilling. I don’t even know what it was called I’ve stopped listening anytime Rachel opens her mouth.

Sue comes in to remind them of their plans to sing for the homeless. But wait!  That’s the night they are recording their Christmas special. They’re double booked!

Sue manages to lay a thick heavy guilt trip on the club, which they totally deserve for being selfish teenagers. The guilt trip only works on Quinn because teenagers don’t care about anyone but themselves and Quinn has aged over the course of her crazy phase.

And the Glee Christmas Special begins…

How delightfully 70′s!

Oh man! This really is like Star Wars!

I am this many!

We took this picture in a photobooth at the mall!

We’re the two odd ones out so we were forced to take a picture together!

Did we mention we’re lady lovers?

I did this. Me.

Kurt and Blaine sing a really fun rendition of ‘Let it Snow’ in Black and White. How did they turn themselves black and white? They are usually always in color! Gay men really can do anything!

It feels like we’ve stepped into a 1950’s Christmas special, except hosted by two gay men, which didn’t exist back then.

It seems that everyone arrives at Kurt and Blaine’s place without knowing they are going to be on television, with an audience nonetheless. And then they are asked to sing, which they say they aren’t prepared for but magically have an impeccably produced soundtrack to sing to.

Now I’m confused. I just thought this was going to be a short bit, but it seems to be going on for a while now. Who directed this episode that resembles an LSD Christmas trip? They just had a choreographed couch plop.

Oh it was Matthew Morrison who directed this episode. He really needs to just let people tell him what to do; it doesn’t work the other way around.

Ok. Commercial break is over and it’s still in black and white. What’s happening?!!

Finn and Puck arrive dressed as Luke Skywalker and Han Solo. They look like overgrown trick or treaters how went down the wrong street. Nothing is making sense. I feel like I’m watching David Lynch—the Musical.

Wait, things just got butt-nutty. Cheerleaders in sexy Santa outfits just came in with ribbons and are doing the laziest routine I’ve ever seen, aside from Rachel’s Chair-ography earlier in the episode.

Then Irish kid reads a bible verse.

How did they get so far off-track after such a great opener with Mariah’s song? It should’ve been in the bag.

Quinn and Sam seem to be the only sane ones this year. They’ve chosen not to board the Crazy-town Express and are feeding homeless people. I never thought there would be an episode without Quinn acting crazy this season. Christmas Miracle #2!

Surprise, Surprise! The Glee kids made it to the shelter to sing their song.

These are the cleanest homeless people I’ve ever seen.  But that’s probably for the best.  Rachel does not tolerate rags and B.O.  Eww.

Rachel named her pig Barbra. How she was able to make it through three years of high school without snagging a man, I will never know.

Rachel apologizes for her awfulness, but  she still expects a gift of bling. Finn gives her a star. Actually, he gives her a piece of paper that says she has a star named after her. Except it isn’t named after her, it’s named Finn Hudson.  But it’s because she already has a star named after her right her on earth. Nice save Finnster.

Sam and Rory’s bro-mance continues as they ring bells for the Salvation Army. What’s Christmas without your very special brosef?

Never one to opt out of an important heart-felt scene, Rachel comes on over to steal the spotlight. It turns out she wants to give too, but only because she thinks people will like her more.

Finn is just there as arm candy

Merry Shitty Christmas Special! From Glee!