Glee Recap: Four Weddings and a Fun-eral!

After a long time of forever’s Glee is finally back! I wish winter breaks were that long when I was a kid in school. I wish I were in school…

The episode gets off to a rip roaring start with everyone’s favorite duet “Summer Nights”. If you have ever gone out karaoking and there have NOT been two guys ironically singing this song together, you haven’t really been out karaoking.

Does anybody know what season it is? The kids just left after a full on xmas “spectacular”,  although I disagree with the use of the word in this case, and there is no snow on the ground while they sing about summer.

There isn’t so much as a winter coat to be found. They live in Ohio right.? I mean, I know Ohio is alllllll the way in the Midwest but I feel like that important tidbit of seasons should be totally researchable on the Wikipedia.  Thanks SOPA.

Then there was mention that Mr. Shue tanked his fantasy football season and everyone knows fantasy football ends right after New Years.

What the fuck season is it? Is it winter yes/no?

I’ll have to wait to find out what kind of weather bubble McKinley high school has been placed in because I just found out that Becky’s “inside her head voice” is British.

This is a pretty exciting development as I also speak in a British accent inside my head. Although, it makes me wonder whether or not I have Down’s…

Not only is she British on the inside, Becky is also all kinds of racist. When looking for suitors the camera pans over to Mike Chang and British Becky says, “No Chang, I’m no rice queen.” First, of all Woah. Secondly, he’s taken Down’s-ton Abbey, get in line.

It turns out Becky has her eyes set on Artie because he’s sensitive he’s a brunette he’s in a wheelchair he wears driving gloves. Because that’s all you really want when you have special needs, someone else who is just as broken as you are.

Beiste is super excited as she wolfs down her two helpings of full-sized dead chicken bodies because she got married over the break. To whom, you may wonder if you haven’t been paying attention at all, well it was none other than Cooter. So now she has taken the name of Mrs. Cooter Beiste.

It’s actually a really romantic story about how these two kids finally got together. On Christmas eve they went to Taco Bell, because that’s where the Holy Spirit resides after he gets stoned and before he has diarrhea.  Then, while Beiste was inhaling her 37^th chalupa Cooter decided that he must be with this woman for the rest of his life. So they eloped to Vegas, the end.

This news gets Emma very upset as she thinks that she is way cuter than Beiste and should therefore be the one to get married first. Let’s be fair Emma, you dated John Stamos, a DENTIST, while Beiste continued her virginity after a pity kiss from Mr. Shue.

Emma is so overwhelmed by Beiste beating her to the marriage finish line that starts singing about it, except I’m definitely totally absolutely positive that she is NOT the one singing and her lip syncing is something out of a badly dubbed Godzilla movie. It’s a good thing you’re so cute with your little button nose and your huge eyes you little freaky deaky!

During her song, Mr. Shue dances in the gayest way possible as Emma stands there in a wedding dress. He’s totally ignoring her and just focusing on his jetes. There’s your sign Emma.

She doesn’t pick up on it and accidently asks him to marry her out loud, and not in the context of the song which totally wigs her out and she runs away as per usual.

Then Mr. Shue decides that he’s going to ask Emma to marry him. Totally independent of the whole song and dance and accidental proposal Emma just gave him. He came up with it alllll on his own.

So he does the most logical and manly thing in asking the kids how he should propose to her in the form of their weekly assignment. That is weak sauce. Grow a pair and own your choice Mr. Shue!

I wonder if he will take her last name. Mr. Pilsbury-Shue. Sounds like a really squishy shoe company.

Becky, the ballsiest character of the bunch, asks Artie on a date and he accepts. *Spoiler Alert * This will not end well.

Sam decides the only way he can win back Mercedes after having that meaningful duet in the beginning of the episode is by getting a letterman jacket. He immediately asks Beiste if there are any teams he could get on, but unfortunately, the only team that has any space left is the Synchronized Swimming Team.  Sam takes it because he really needs that jacket. If there is one thing I know ladies like for certain, it’s jackets.

NeNe Leakes from Real Housewives of Atlanta debuts her role of swim Coach Roz Washington on Glee. It’s a good thing she had all that actor training while filming her episodes of RHOA, how else would she summon up all that sass for the camera?

Glee is really hoping to ride out the Real Housewives wave of popularity now that the Two Season Curse of Ryan Murphy has set in. NeNe can’t save you Ryan. You’ve made your bed.  Just don’t ruin American Horror Story for us please!

Everyone on Glee thinks that Mr. Shue has got the moves so they sing about it while he showcases his white man dance skills. The group sings “Moves like Jagger” while Mr. Shue dances his little heart in the background, twirling and pirouetting like his life depends on it or like his boyfriend’s watching.

There’s something really disturbing about Shue in a tank top with his Geri curl glistening in the stage light.

Now that Shue is feeling confident about his jetés, he brings Finn with him ring shopping and then asks Finn to be his best man. First of all, he hasn’t even proposed to Emma yet and doesn’t even know if she if for sure going to marry him and it’s just a little bit sad that he is asking a high school student to be his best man. Don’t you have any friends Mr. Shue? Plus, how’s he going to throw you a bachelor party when he can’t even order a drink or rent a car or open a credit card?

The girls sing “The First Time” for the assignment and all of them are crying as they show montages of the first time they met their high school boyfriends or girlfriends that they are still with. What are they so upset about? They are dating a boy and they are in high school. The hardest thing they have to deal with is an inflamed pimple on picture day. Life is pretty ok at this point.

During the song, Mercedes realizes that she is still in love with a white boy who has the lips of a fish and that is very upsetting. So she runs into the bathroom to deal with her feelings of her betrayal against the human race and a forbidden love of a man-fish.

Shue decides to do things the old-fashioned way and asks Emma’s cray-cray redhead parents for her hand. They think that he is the cray-cray one because he wants to stay with their daughter forever and ever. Then they actually try to talk him out of dating her at all. Look parents, if someone wants to ruin his life with OCD sex and never-ending cleaning spells let him! Don’t get in the way of that, it’s his problem now! You’re free! Just give him the 5 livestock and the 10 bales of hay and be done with it.

Artie goes out with Becky to Breadsticks and everyone thinks that he is cray cray. The Glee kids think Becky is a sly little bitch and he needs to watch his back. But they can’t change the way he feels, he loves her for her disability because she understands him and his need for wearing driving gloves every day of the week. How does he wash his hands?

Finn told Mr. Shue and NOBODY ELSE that he was going to join the military. But somehow EVERYONE found out and they are very upset about it. MR. SHUUUUUE!

I’ve never seen anyone lobby so hard against the military. His mom dissuades him from enlisting by telling him the truth about his dad, who apparently had a drug problem and was dishonorably discharged from the military. Finn is shocked to find out that his daddy didn’t die honorably in war and did die dishonorably in a crack den.

Finn reacts in a manner appropriate for a five-year-old finding out about his crack daddy. I guess never is a good time to tell him the news.

Back at school, Becky promises Artie she’s going to bone him on Friday and then sends him a picture of her beaver, maybe? We’re left to our own imaginations, as Glee did not show us what was in the text. Maybe it was a teddy bear and Artie was terrified because of a bad experience when a teddy bear raped him.

Artie does the appropriate thing and immediately shows Sue the photo. She tells him that he should just treat Becky like a real girl because that’s what she would want and in the very same breath unleashes some choice insults on him:

• “Let her go so she[Becky] can date someone who doesn’t sound like one of those weird puppets they bring around to the grade schools to teach kids about sexual predators.”
• “For godsake, can you go one day without the driving gloves?! It’s a wheelchair Artie, not a Porsche”
• “Stop buttoning your shirts up all the way like a demented 90 year old. You look like your auditioning for the lead in your nursing home stage production of awakenings.”

Yes.

We see Emma and Shue in their natural habitat and just when you think he is going to propose, he goes the other way pointing out how Emma will never get better especially when she has sticky messy kids. So much for the assignment.

Plus, Shue is putting the cart before the horse in thinking that he would be able to get far enough to make babies with Emma. Do you know how many germs are in sperm??  Thousands.  Literally thousands.  Ew.

The next day in Glee club, Rachel predictably sings a song about herself in an assignment about how Mr. Shue should propose. Someone just needs to put a sock in her mouth and then put duct tape over it and then rubber cement the tape in place and then lock her in a room so no one else has to be subjected to her talking or singing about herself ever again.

The time has come. Mr. Shue is going to do something romantic. I can tell by the appearance of roses. He walks Emma down the hall and someone gives her a flower. Then someone else gives her another flower. And another flower. And I start to wonder what is the point. Is life even worth living if I have to go through more of the Emma/Shue relationship storyline?

Emma is led into the pool area where the Glee kids do a whole choreographed swim number, how convenient, and Artie plunges himself into the pool, wheelchair and all. Seems like a good way to die.

Artie manages not to die and has been seated on a floating chair while everyone dances around him. Shue then walks on water, because he thinks he’s Jesus, and then stops walking on water because he’s not Jesus.

Shue proposes to Emma sopping wet as she obsesses over all the dirty water that he is dripping all over her with his Geri curl limp and lifeless. How romantic.

Emma accepts his proposal. As if she wouldn’t! She’s been singing, hinting and freaky-deaky-ing out about it all episode long.

Artie dumps Becky. Big surprise there.

Becky is sad but Sue comes to the rescue with lady remedies of ice cream and “lifetime television for ovaries.”  I love Sue.

In a sappy ending moment, Finn is looking at a picture of his dad and Rachel tells him how much he looks like his father. They then show the picture and it looks nothing like Finn. It actually couldn’t look less than him. The picture actually convinces me what I’ve known all along that Finn is the son of a milkman. A pasty, awkwardly long, yet pudgy in the middle milkman that his mom boinked while his dad was getting high in his crack den.

Then the BIG FINISH: Finn then proposes to Rachel and…

“Let’s raise a slushy to Fox’s Gleek of the Week!?”  Bullshit.  I guess we’ll find out next week.