Glee Recap: Guns Don’t Kill People, Slushies Do

The girls are back in Glee club and they are happier than they have ever been in their short Ohio lives. The only thing that bothers them is that they weren’t able to participate with the rest of the New Directions as they sang a Michael Jackson song at regionals or sectionals or nationals or aboriginals or whatever.

Mr. Shu realizing none of his “friends” can buy alcohol. Legally.

Mr. Shu understands, because he’s that kind of teacher, and tries to make it up to the bitches-who-left-Glee-club-and-caused-a-rift-in-the-whole-Glee-world-by-creating-a-rival-Glee-club-that-everyone-hated-because-there-were-only-girls-in-it by giving them a Michael week. Why Mr. Shu is catering to their every whim I do not know, however, I do know that he is DESPERATE to keep every high school aged friend he has since he can’t befriend over 18 or outside the halls of McKinley high.

Blaine starts some hall-singing with the Glee kids to kick off the week with “Wanna Be Starting Something.” Which is so appropriate because they are about to ‘start’ a full week of Michael.  Do you see what they did there? They’re telling a story with the lyrics of MJ songs, although this high school crowd seems waaaaaaay too old for Michael’s taste. Maybe if it was Glee: The Elementary School Years…

Everyone dons their best Michael outfits. It’s amazing that they’ve been holding on to these outfits all year just for this MJ dance day in the hallway. Their lockers must be huge!

Why won’t you promise to stay with me forever in this town where everyone hates singing and fun, but loves anything deep-fried?

Finn keeps pushing Rachel to marry him, which I do not understand. Their relationship roles have totally changed to where Finn has become the whiney bitch and Rachel holds all the cards. What are you thinking Finn??? This is your break. Take it, run hard and don’t look back.

The gang discusses their MJ plans in the coffee shop when Sebastian the evil villain from Dalton comes over to tell them the Warblers are planning to do MJ. Apparently, Blaine has been whispering sweet nothings into his ear and Sebastian’s taken full advantage of Blaine’s over-enthusiastic young gay love.  It seems like everyone is out to get the New Directions. Nobody besides people in the New Directions and pre-teens across America loves the New Directions.

Santana tries to take Sebastian out because she’s straight thug, but Sebastian calmly tells her his daddy has the power to put her whole family in jail, which was just racist enough to stop her in her face-clawing tracks.

Sebastian then lets us know he’s now in charge of the Warblers and will be a pain in every episode’s ass from here until the end of the season. I can’t wait to see how racist he will become by the season finale.

The Glee kids are all worried now that the Warblers are taking their Michael Jackson idea, because no other Glee club in the United States of America has ever decided to use ANY songs from the King of Pop EVER. This was a totally original idea that they came up with and it’s the only thing that will get them to regionals or nationals or recessionals or whatever.

Shu always seems to know when the gang is in trouble and comes bounding into the room, kinda like Scooby Doo. He has very heightened kid problem radar.

He proposes that all the kids think to themselves, “What Would Michael Do?” Finn says that Michael would fight, Artie spouts facts about MTV and Blaine, the cleanest preppiest, prettiest one in the room suggests they take it to the street. Yeah Blaine! Show them how to fight with your oxfords and your bowties!

So the kids take that option. It’s the Warblers vs. the New Directions in a parking lot, which looks a lot like Gossip Girl meets Westside Story. Luckily, everyone in New Directions is wearing matching leather jackets to emphasize their bad-assness.  They look especially badass when the Warblers pull out their secret weapon: A Slushie.

The Slushie goes into Blaine’s face and he lays on the floor screaming and crying as the red slushie runs down the parking lot floor towards the camera in a way so dramatic I think it’s death by slushie Tarantino style.

Blaine’s eye is deeply damaged in the cornea and he now has to go into surgery. The hero that Mr. Shu is, he says “In all my years as a teacher and a student, I’ve never known a slushie to do that kind of damage.” Are we being real right now? The way they are talking about this, the slushie is the equivalent of a shiv. I know that Sebastian put salt in the slushie so that it would do real harm, but they are taking this slushie business way too far and tarnishing the slushie name!

The kids want revenge but Shu is pleading with them to not get violent, and to cower in the corner like the coward he is. Artie rightfully loses his shit on Mr. Shu, and Mr.Shu tells him to take a break. Luckily, Artie leaves otherwise the Glee kids might have been witness to a puddle forming around Mr. Shu’s feet.

But Artie is pissed so he sings “Scream” OUT OF THE WHEELCHAIR! I knew that whole wheelchair thing was a ruse!  It just takes some Michael to undo a physical handicap. The best is that Mike Chen is the Janet and he wears the Janet eyeliner to demonstrate this.  I believe him.

Rachel approaches Quinn in the bathroom with her problems, because now she trusts Quinn for some reason? I don’t know when Quinn earned her trust, but last I recall she has tried to steal Finn from Rachel, tried to frame Shelby as a bad mom so she would get her baby taken away and she’s developed a nasty smoking habit.

Always with the problems Rachel!

Quinn totally glosses over Rachel’s problem and shows Rachel her Yale early acceptance letter, a smooth subject change transition I can appreciate, especially since I’ve had it up to here with Rachel’s problems. Ultimately Quinn tells Rachel to leave Finn because there are so many other people to bone in college and you can’t just be tied down to one. One day you will be thirty, and then where will you be? Good point Quinn.

Cue Quinn singing “Never Can Say Goodbye Boy,” but I’m not totally sure who she is singing it to. The camera keeps focusing on all the different men she’s tried unsuccessfully to win over in her high school career. Who can’t she say goodbye to????

Quinn gives the group a heartwarming speech after announcing her early acceptance and everyone cheers, except Rachel, who is horrified. Something tells me she won’t be with Finn til death do they part.

Santana and Kurt decide that they are going to beat Sebastian if it’s the last thing there are going to do. But they won’t do it with violence. We’re learning!

Sam really wants back in Mercedes’s pants, but she just isn’t budging. Why would she? Sam’s on the synchronized swim team and Marcus is on the football team. But he tries to lure her in by singing “Human Nature” anyway and it works!

Fish lips triumphs!

Kurt’s dad Burt comes to school with a letter from Nyada. My parents would have just waited until I got home to show me that. Isn’t he busy doing congress stuff now?

Getting picked as a NYADA finalist, Kurt’s 2nd favorite moment after this gem.

Kurt gets into the finals for NYADA. There are finals for college? Rachel is beside herself because she hasn’t gotten any letters and now all she can do is to stay in Ohio with her boyfriend. Because that’s the way you commit to someone, when you have no other options.

Blaine’s slushie-related injury has led him to patch fashion. Rachel and Finn bring chicken soup, eye-patch related movies and a little bit of Michael. They sing “You’ve Got a Friend” because they’re his friends and that’s what friends do, sing by your bedside inwardly thanking their lucky stars they don’t have to wear a patch.

Santana confronts the Warblers and Sebastian tells her the slushie was meant for Kurt and “Blaine shouldn’t have gotten in the way.” I don’t know how that makes the situation any better. Someone is still receiving permanent eye damage and a life of patch-wearing in this scenario.

But Santana takes things into her own hand and demands a duel, a singing duel. I don’t know how you would decide on a winner with a singing duel. Maybe whoever doesn’t suck wins?

The duel has cellos accompanists and boy, are those accompanists angry! They sing “Smooth Criminal” because Sebastian is a criminal that is smooth. Now I’m really confused how we will find a winner from this duel because they are singing at the same time. Are they going to judge themselves in this duel? That’s seems like a biased judging. Someone please explain to me how this works.

The Ominous Circle-walking.

All I know is there’s a lot of circle walking, but there is no clear winner. Which is what I thought would happen because there were no clear rules to this duel. Everyone knows before you start a singing duel you have to lay down some clear guidelines so we know who the winner is. It’s their own fault really.

I guess Sebastian is the winner here, as he ends the fight with a slushie to Santana’s face after telling her what he put in the slushie weapon that robbed Blaine of his gorgeous eye. If I know my Bond movies, the villain always reveals their evil plan right before it bites them in the ass. So don’t worry, Sebastian will get his.

Santana got Sebastian on tape! She taped a recorder to her underboob! See! What did I tell you? Now they can send it to the po-po and get Sebastian kicked out of school! But Kurt has a non-violent plan, because underboob taping is a bit too violent for his delicate constitution.

Before we find out what is a less-violent solution than the underboob taping, we have to listen to Finn try to win Rachel over. They sing “I Just Can’t Stop Loving You.” And she decides to settle for po-dunk love, so she says yes and all the musicians in the room stand awkwardly by as they kiss.

Non-violent solution: Kurt inviting the Warblers over to the auditorium and informing them that they will not be doing Michael. That is the most non-violent solution and coincidentally the most passive solution they could have chosen. I chose underboob.

Creepy!

But that’s not all, the Glee kids show the Warblers how Michael is really done with a performance of “Black or White.” Of all the impromptu performances I have seen these kids do, I’m not really impressed with this one. Where is there extensive costume collection now? Did their lockers get foreclosed on?

It doesn’t matter that I’m not impressed, the Warblers are totally moved and join in on the dancing, all except Sebastian. Santana then outs Sebastian to the rest of the Warblers, which is weird because she hates it when people out others. But this is to show the rest of the Warblers what an awful person he is.

Sebastian takes the hint and leaves the room and the Glee kids all live happily ever after. Except for Rachel. She now has to tell Finn that she won’t be settling for a life as a mechanic’s wife and will be heading to NYADA for her life as the new Barbara Streisand after all.

Tune in next week to watch Rachel break Finn’s heart and my spirit all in one hour!

To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!