Glee Recap: Ladies are Lovers too!

I forgot how important Valentine’s Day is to teenagers. This is what validates their existence before jobs and money.

I’m so smart! I just spend 18 hours of my day thinking about Glee club and all my friends in Glee club and what we’ll do after Glee club…

Mr. Shu comes in with the brilliant idea that they are going to ask their fellow classmates to pay them to sing. You know the last thing I wanted to do when I was in high school Mr. Shu? PAY MY FRIEND TO WATCH THEM SING. The only person I would pay to sing in high school was Dave Matthews. I don’t care if that dates me!!

Sugar saves the day by being rich and pulling a gigantic wad of money out of her purse to pay for the glee club’s costumes and hairspray; the two greatest costs incurred by any glee club worth their stuff. What did we learn kids? That money saves the day. Thank goodness for rich people!

Once she wins over the entire club with her giant wad of cash, Sugar invites them all to her Valentine’s Day Bash! But no single people are allowed because they make her sad. So basically Glee is teaching kids at an early age that rich people can turn people less rich than them into their puppets, with a mere $200.

What does Rachel get for Valentine’s Day? A visit from her two dads!!! And one of them is Jeff Goldblum! Happy Valentine’s Day to me! Let’s all take a moment to remember Jeff in his glory days of Jurrassic Park.

It seems that Jeff has a bee in his bonnet about his life partner having dreams about Tony Danza. Tony Danza! Of all people! Guess Leroy wants someone to play the boss.

Holy Dreadlocks it’s a new character! Looks like it’s another one of those kids from the Glee Project. His name is Joseph Hart, appropriate for Valentine’s Day, and he’s suuuuuuper Christian. Wait, when was Mercedes part of the God Squad? And I thought Quinn was banned due to all her sinning. Man, the God Squad numbers are really down this quarter. I guess they had to take what they could get.

At lunch, Puck brags about how many sorority girls he’s banged and everyone reminds him he used to be in love with a teacher. Isn’t that what friends are for?

Kurt is too self-obsessed to even notice Puck because he’s too busy thinking about all the presents he’s getting from his secret admirer. Blaine’s a champ for having one eye and still sending him tons of toys and treats from bed. Or is he?

Rory and Artie get all up in arms over Sugar. Now these are some boys who have their priorities straight, if they get in good with Sugar now, they won’t ever have to worry about money again. These boys are investing in their future. Puck could learn a thing or two from them if he doesn’t want to end up destitute eating nothing but baked beans and bugles from the comfort of his duct-taped together lazy boy.

Mike and Tina exist again! They are dressed in very old-timey clothes which leads me to believe they were trapped in the 1930’s when they went for a magic ride in their after-school time machine.

But we only see them for a second because it’s time for a montage of how Rory and Artie are fighting for Sugar’s emotions. There are a lot of hearts and puppies and all I can think about is how irresponsible it is for somebody to bring a puppy into the library. Where are they going to put it during 5^th period? It’s a puppy not an accessory!

Brittany has a Valentine’s Day present for Santana.  It’s a playlist of all the songs she hears in her head when she’s with her.  Isn’t that sweet.  Here’s what’s on it.

1. Purple People Eater
2. Disco Duck
3. Monster Mash
4. On Top of Spaghetti
5. Pac-Man Fever
6. Osama Yo’ Mama
7. Theme Song from Diff’rent Strokes.

Now that is some romantic shit.  6 novelty songs and the theme song from Gary Coleman’s TV show.  That is a list I came up with when I was 7 and thinking about what songs would irritate my parents in the car.  She also made a cover for the CD, but no actual CD because she can’t do it without help.  So if I am to understand this correctly, Brittany can export a high quality JPEG from Photoshop utilizing a gradient tool but doesn’t know how to push the burn CD button in iTunes.  That is a very specific kind of stupid.

But they’re busted for almost kissing by principal Figgens.  He hates PDAs.  Both public displays of affection and personal digital assistants.  He could never figure out the stylus.  But apparently some member of the god squad has a problem with them too.  I wonder who it could be.

Back in Glee Club, which continues to meet at least 4 hours a day I think—they must have block scheduling—Rachel announces that she and Finn are “finally getting married.”  Finally?  If you’re 18, you’re not “finally” getting married.  You’re rushing in to getting married.  Unless you live on the Kentucky/West Virginia border.  Then you’re a little late to the game.  No one thinks this is a good idea, including Kurt, who told on them to their parents.  Why does no one believe in love anymore?  Oh wait, Mike and Tina think it’s a good idea.  And Mike knows something about throwing his life away.  Artie thinks it’s a good idea too, but he doesn’t have time for your nonsense Rachel, there’s glee club rehearsal to get to.

He sings Let Me Love You by Usher to impress Sugar and infuriate Rory.  Sugar leaves with him.  I really think this is going to work out for Artie.

I am God. I mean, the God Squad.

Rachel gets a singing valentine from the God Squad in the form of a Gym Class Heroes song.  MC chapstick is pretty good. Quinn, who IN THE LAST SCENE made Rachel so angry that she uninvited her to from wedding is now HUGGING her.  High school kids are so fucking mercurial.

Santana backs the God Squad into a corner by buying a singing valentine for her girlfriend girlfriend Britanny.  What’s a hastily put together Christian singing group to do?

Back to glee club.  Seriously 4 hours a day.  Rory just got his student visa turned down and will have to go back to Ireland next year.  This could be a convenient way to get rid of any character no one really cares about.  “Hey, where’s Becky?”  “Oh, it turns out she was actually Honduran and had to leave.”

Rory was so touching he won Sugar over and Artie is upset. Don’t worry Artie. She’s just going to hit it and quit it. It’s a pity fuck date and you’re next in line.

The God Squad is all up in arms about Santana’s request to sing for Brittany. Dreadlocks has never met a person who was gay before. He has seen the Glee club right?

Sam got Mercedes a statue of St. Valentine. How romantic. Even more romantic, Mercedes tells Sam about Shane crying over the fish lip affair and then she starts crying. This is more like the Valentine’s Day I remember.

She then sings “I will always love you” because she’s African American and Sam’s white, and also her bodyguard.

Oh Whitney. We will always love you.

I think every character has cried at least once in this episode. Love hurts guys.

It’s sing along time with the two dads and Finn’s family. After singing, because singing is like praying in the Berry household, they sit down to eat and Jeff starts talking about lube and rubber. Racy talk for a family show like Glee, oh wait! He’s talking cars. Silly Glee with your sexual innuendos that are really just innocent talk about normal every day things. Not sexual at all.

The Glee writer’s room is just a bunch of guys whose wives have been holding out on them since before Glee began and all they can do is write out their sexual frustrations and find more scenarios where the girls of Glee can be in revealing outfits.

Jeff makes a toast, calls Finn “husky” and tells them to “never go to bed without moisturizing.” Oh Glee writers!

After dinner, Jeff says it’s time for “teenage lovemaking”. Wait, is this another one of those silly sexual innuendos from those Glee writers again? No they are actually serious. They want these two kids to start bumping uglies in their very own home. While they sit in the next room. Finn’s mom even packed his jammies for him.

What’s valentine’s day without awkward teenage sex while your two dads are in the next room?

Before they can make the sexy time, Rachel has to do her elaborate skin routine and all the other ridiculous stuff she does to herself on a daily basis. Finn interrupts her OCD time with the simple request of use of the toilet, which is firmly denied. Rachel refuses to have Finn defecate in her precious bowl.

That is it! Finn can’t take anymore! When bitches be telling him where to poop it’s time to draw the line!

The gays dads clink glasses and relish in their successful instigation of an argument.

I love you with a mean force Kurt.

It’s time for Sugar’s party! Kurt is super early to meet his secret admirer who turns out to be….Karofsky!!! Wawaweewa! Who saw that coming?

Kurt breaks Karofsky’s heart by denying him because he belongs to Blaine now. While Karofsky is pouring out his heart and getting it trampled, a schoolmate overhears and Karofsky is back in denial all over again. He’s come full circle.

Rachel and Finn have made up and are planning on getting married in May. Plan failed dads.

Now it’s party time and we’re kicking it off with the God Squad singing to Brittany. It turns out they had a little talk with the big guy upstairs and he said it was ok to sing to a gay, especially if they are getting 10 bucks out of it.

Blaine made it to the party! And with a heart-shaped eye patch! But the patch comes right off because he’s all healed up. What good timing! It’s really hard to get romantic with a one-eyed person.

They finish off the night with their rendition of Love Shack and everybody is happy again. For now.