Glee Recap: Speak Spanish

El man-o ran-o to el marketa to buy-o el juice.

Mr. Shu seems to have lost his touch as a Spanish teacher. When did he have it? In all the years he’s been teaching Spanish, he’s had to have learned some by now, even if only be association. Maybe you should spend more time creating lesson plans instead of getting your students to help you propose to a woman who is grossed out at the thought of how baby-making works.

Thankfully someone has complained about Mr. Shu’s ineptness in Spanish and Prinicpal Figgins tells him he may not be able to receive tenure if he keeps putting all his efforts in Glee club and teaching kids that el gato means the gate.

Then Principal Figgins tells him that he should learn Spanish. WHY WOULD YOU HIRE SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T SPEAK SPANISH TO TEACH A SPANISH CLASS??? That’s on you Figgy! What kind of principal would care so little about the kids of middle America’s educations and hire an non-Spanish speaking Broadway dropout to lead Ohio’s fine youth to believe that Spanish is just every English word with an o added to the end of it, unless you’re talking to a girl and then it ends in a.

How can you even concentrate on Spanish with this gorgeous mug looking at you???!

Mr. Shu’s solution is to take a Spanish class from Ricky Martin. Everyone in class is distracted by the brightness of Ricky’s teeth and the ladies just want to know how to tell their maids to stop stealing jewelry.

Really? You think you have a shot with this fine piece of Latin ass??

At the end of class, Mr. Shu asks Ricky to join him for a cup of coffee, sorry, café, the one Spanish word Mr. Shu does know besides novio. That’s pretty bold Shu, going after the hot teacher on day 1. Maybe he’s finally hit the wall with OCD queen and wants to know more about this mysterious Latin (potential) lover.

Ricky tries to get real with Shu and feels like he can let loose and speak the Spanish in front of him. And Shu gets that same dead-eyed confusion that babies have when they are working out a really difficult poop. HOW DID HE GET THE JOB AS THE SPANISH TEACHER???? THAT’S WHAT HE WAS HIRED FOR!!! GLEE ONLY CAME AS A SECONDARY ACTIVITY TO HIS PRIMARY SOURCE OF INCOME: TEACHING SPANISH!!!!

Look at my teeth! Thy are more magnificent than dozens of extinct unicorn horns.

It’s funny all the students couldn’t stop looking at Ricky’s teeth because it turns out he was a teeth model. Now I can’t stop looking at his teeth.

Ricky tells Shu that he should teach Spanish through song. How convenient.

Sue’s clock is ticking. Her biological clock.

Shu leaves the meeting with a new lease on life and walks into the choir room to find Sue talking to the boys of Glee about sperm. It turns out she’s trying to get pregnant and was really disappointed about the selection at the sperm bank, so she’s trying to convince the boys to give her some baby seeds?

No, she doesn’t want little boy seeds, she wants the seeds of a man, but she asked Mr. Shu anyway. Zing!

Sue seems sure that she’s going to be the one who gets the tenure but it turns out someone has been complaining about her as well. Seems like someone has been running their mouth all over town.

In her meeting with Figgins, Roz Washington (AKA, a Real Housewife of Atlanta) gets real with Sue about her cheesy-ass dance moves. Sue is shocked that a former housewife would dare speak to her in that way and I’m shocked she was able to remember her line.

Hola? Puedes oirme ahora?

Shu comes into Glee with Ricky’s his idea of singing in Spanish, because everybody is going to be speaking Spanish by the year 2030. Is this a fact that is well-researched public knowledge? That’s less than 20 years away. I’m pretty sure people in India aren’t going to be speaking any Spanish.

Ricky makes his grand entrance and all the girls AND boys lose it. Shu announces that Ricky is planning on starting a night Glee club. This seems like a bad idea for Shu, from the looks of things, all the kids are going to be Glee night owls.

Shu and Ricky talk a lot about “duende” and how every song should have it. The kids want an example so Ricky gives them “I’m Sexy and I Know It” which had like 4 Spanish words in it. I think he missed the point, although he is accurate about the sexiness.

Sam and Mercedes are meeting with Emma about their “feelings” and Emma tells Mercedes in a not so passive way that she’s a two-timing ho. WHO IS HIGGINS HIRING AT HIS SCHOOL????

Roz has gotten a hold of the Cheerios and has done a total crunk-tastic upgrade on their stale routines. Sue is beyond upset but before she can take a piece of Roz, Roz hands Sue’s ass to her in a majestic verbal ass-whooping.

What happens when you’re on your period???

The girls of Glee, and Kurt, are having a girls night when we learn Kurt has a period. I know gay men love to be feminine, but that is one feminine trait I would not willingly pick up were I a gay man.

The couple that settles on their mate together, stays together!

Rachel announces her engagement to Finn and her friends are not taking the news well. But oddly enough, Rachel doesn’t want anyone else to know. This is shocking because Rachel loves to run her mouth about anything and everything.  This marriage is off to a rocky start.

Who’s following the assignment now? Mmmhmmm that’s right!

Mercedes sings the first Spanish song of the episode and of course it’s about Sam. Sam get’s a goofy grin so big, his lips actually swallow up his entire face, then his chair, then the drum set and finally they swallow up Mercedes. Looks like they will be together forever.

The Glee boys sing “Hero” in Spanglish and everyone agrees that Ricky is the best Spanish teacher ever. I wonder if the fact that he actually knows Spanish has anything to do with it. Naw, it’s probably just the teeth that sold it.

Those are my seeds!

Emma approaches Sue about her “seed” request because it was “terribly inappropriate”. Only she can have those seeds. Not to have come in contact with her body, because that would require a lot of bleach and sanitizer, but very technically, those seeds are hers.

We find out, in the most touching way, that Sue wants Shu’s little boys because he is so generous and kind, no matter how much she belittles him. Even though everyone is really moved by the whole affair, Emma still dashes her dreams and keeps all the baby Shu’s to herself.

Doh!

Upset that Rachel is going to get married before he is, Kurt runs to Finn to tell him that he’s making a huge mistake. Which is what I have been trying to tell him this whole time, but he never listens! When he pulled out that ring I was like, Man, that’s not a horse you want to hitch yourself to. But he went and did it anyway! Kurt, if you can talk any sense into him, be my guest.

Kurt seems to think that Finn is special, but I can’t figure out where’s he’s getting that. He convinces Finn that he wasn’t just made to carry Rachel’s purse and maybe marriage isn’t such a good idea. Congratulations Kurt, you got through to him! You did what I was never able to do. I applaud you sir.

Sue confronts Santana about complaining to Figgins but Santana denies it and Sue gets rageful. Shu shows up in the knick of time, because he has nothing better to do than wait around in the hallway until one of his kids are in trouble, and Sue tells him she won’t need his spunk. Burn.

Shu must be pissed about Sue not needing his seed because he takes out his frustration out on Emma. There is nothing about their relationship that makes me comfortable. Just watching every interaction with them makes me cringe inside, and outside.

Ricky performs another non-Spanish song that has 2 Spanish words in it with Santana. The two people who can actually speak Spanish on the show are singing in English on Spanish episode day.

Did everyone forget what the assignment was?? C’mon guys! Everyone is going to be speaking Spanish by 2030! We need to sing about it now!

Right now, Mercedes is the only one who actually did the assignment correctly.

Now it’s Mr. Shu’s turn. He is wearing a full on matador outfit and looks mighty ridiculous as he fights the bull, i.e., Mike Chen. Mike’s only job in this whole episode has been to put on horns and charge Mr. Shu. How humiliating.

As Mr. Shu sings his ridiculous song, a light bulb goes off in his Geri curl head; it was Santana who complained. To be fair, she has a good argument: Shu is perpetuating ridiculous stereotypes about the Latin culture and has no idea what he’s doing. I think these are two very legitimate reasons to complain about a teacher. I may be wrong, but I think a teacher should know a little something about the subject they are teaching.

Nice try Mr. Shu, but we know who the clear Spanish teacher is here. And he has a tiny red guitar.

Santana reminds him that he is very passionate about Glee and he should teach something he is actually passionate about and he should leave Spanish to the real Spanish speakers. All good points Santana. It’s too bad Glee won’t pay for his kid’s college tuition or his OCD love’s crazy pills.

It’s lunchtime and Coach Beiste is thoroughly please with Emma’s ridiculous pamphlets. Finally somebody seems to appreciate them. Her favorite: Taint Misbehaving. A pamphlet about the importance of jock strap hygiene, the very issue that Beiste has been experiencing great trouble with in the locker room. I, however, found the title of the pamphlet to be very misleading and was hoping for a different kind of information.

Ricky is giving awards at his Spanish class and shockingly, Mr. Shu gets the “Most Improved” award. That’s the award that is the equivalent of “Participant”.

Shu offers Ricky the Spanish teacher position because he realizes that a Spanish teacher should know Spanish, even if Figgins doesn’t.

Does this mean that we are going to see Ricky Martin in every episode or does it mean we are never going to hear about Spanish class again?

Sue finally figures out who was ratted her out; it was Becky, her faithful lacky. They have a heart to heart and Becky realizes the foolishness of her ways and successfully administers Sue’s hormone shots. Yay.

Emma is the winner of the tenure. Looks like Shu is going to have to rely on his lady to bring home the bacon. Somehow I’m not surprised.  If a man only has high school students as friends it seems hard to believe that he would be the sole breadwinner in the family.

The good news is next week Jeff Goldblum is going to be on Glee!  I’ve been a Golblum-eiver ever since I saw him in The Fly. And Jurassic Park.