Glee: Regionals! Finally!

This dress looks like a cupcake!

Rachel and Kurt are looking at wedding dresses while Kurt keeps dropping not so subtle hints about getting married too soon. I agree. Rachel is not going to have the opportunity to be nearly as selfish as she would like should she have a mate sharing space with her.

Thankfully Sebastian steps in and calls Kurt an “older Betty White”, an insult I don’t really understand but apparently is extremely offensive to gay high school students. Then he calls Blaine a “gay Cyclops” which is just lazy in my opinion. C’mon Sebastian, you can do better than that. You just stooped to 5^th grade level, you’re a Warbler for Chrissake! Quality over quantity my boy.

For her wedding gift, Sebastian gives her the best gift of all: a photoshopped picture of a naked Finn Hudson wearing red pumps. He clearly spent no money on this. Did he NOT study the registry at Samuel French? Clearly a naked Finn Hudson was not in between Ibsen and Simon.

But it’s not really a wedding gift, it’s a threat to Rachel. If she doesn’t back out of regional’s, Sebastian will post this less than attractive photo all over the internet. I say, let him do it. It’s not your naked photo.

Frankly My Finn, I just don’t give a damn.

But Rachel cares too much about her pasty little Ohio dough boy and won’t let him be defaced by some little angry gay Warbler, so she does the right thing and tells on him. Finn becomes enraged by the inaccuracy of the photo and Rachel calms his fears by telling him that she is going to perform anyway. Nothing is going to get in her way, fiancée’s shame or not.

Take it back! Take. It. Back.

I’m going to say it again, like I’ve been saying it ever since Finn popped the question: This marriage is doomed from the get go. It’s never gonna happen. I know they are getting close and everyone is getting excited what with the Samuel French Registry and the wedding dresses, but the only person Rachel will ever marry is herself.

Needless to say, Finn does not take the news of her exposing this precious photo to the online masses well. Finn, you just need to suck it up. Rachel needs to get into NYADA and to get into NYADA she has to perform at regionals and to perform at regionals she needs to ignore Sebastian’s threat, no matter what that means for your reputation. So stop being selfish Finn and think of Rachel’s needs for once in your life. Because if you marry her, you will have to think of her needs, and only her needs, for the rest of your miserable little dough-boy life.

I’m preggers honkies!

Let’s move on to happier news: Sue has successfully become pregnant! Now she’s doing the right thing and asking Quinn for advice. In return, Quinn would like to get back on the Cheerios.  I don’t know if telling Sue to nosh on a few saltines is going to get you back on a highly competitive cheer team when you’ve spent your whole year sitting on your ass in Mr. Shu’s class, learning nothing but how lonely he is as a man.

And it doesn’t. Denied Quinn.

Looks like that floppy wrist came and bit you in the ass Karofsky.

Karofsky is back in the locker room and he finds a great welcome back with “Fag” sprayed across his locker. Yes it’s sad, but it’s sort of expected. Karma’s a bitch Karofsky. Maybe you shouldn’t have been so mean to Kurt all these years.

The locker incident has led to Karofsky thinking while Blaine sings. Oh shit! Glee just got real! Karofsky is setting up his suicide. Is there a topic Glee doesn’t cover? What a depressing high school.

Think Figgins, Think.

The teachers meet with Figgins to discuss how they are going to handle the Karofsky attempted suicide. My question is, where are all the other teachers? Why does Figgins feel the need to only inform the cheer coach, the guidance counselor, the football coach and the Glee teacher? What about the English teacher? Or the Geometry teacher? Doesn’t anybody actually teach a class here or is it all just a series of extra-curricular activities?

Did you guys forget? I can do no wrong.

The God Squad has an emergency meeting about Karofsky.  Quinn thinks that Karofsky is very selfish in his attempt to take his own life and when SHE was going through hard times, she never tried to take her own life. That statement wasn’t selfish at all Quinn.

Luckily Kurt speaks up and informs the God Squad what it’s really like to experience the pain as a gay. I’m surprised that they allowed Kurt in the group. He asked Dreads to let him in the group because of all the guilt he feels from not answering Karofsky’s phone calls. He just wasn’t your type Kurt, there’s nothing to feel bad about. You are someone who likes a more petite man, like Blaine.

Rachel decides she can’t wait to get married any longer so she wants to get married right after Regionals, as a celebration; My singing has won everyone over, now let me do you the service of being your partner in life, so you have the joy of listening to my beautiful voice as I sing about every minor life event we have, until death do us part.

That’s right! I was turned!

It turns out that Karofsky’s attempted suicide has turned even the most bitter heart; Sebastian.  Sebastian has decided to destroy the photos of Finn, apologize for Blaine’s eye and donate to Lady Gaga’s Born This Way Foundation. Product placement!

The Warblers are even going to dedicate their performance to Karofsky. It turns out not only everybody at McKinley has been awful to Karofsky, but so has Sebastian himself. He turned that sharp witty tongue on the helpless wandering gay that Karofsky is and now feels very bad about it. He wasn’t your type!! Karofsky needs to learn that he needs to find the gay men who like bears.

Me likey peanut butter!

Glee just got a little too deep for a minute there so to lighten things up, Mr. Shu brings to everyone’s attention the fact that Rory has never had peanut butter. How incredibly related to the current subject matter!

The reason for living…

But there is a point to the peanut butter tasting! Mr. Shu wants to remind the kids that any life that includes peanut butter, is a life worth living and they should never consider taking their own lives.

It turns out, Mr. Shu had attempted suicide himself. He was caught cheating on a math test and couldn’t bear the humiliation. Things have changed since the 1890’s!

Everybody shares their goals in life and has a gooey inside moment. Circle of trust!

Put your best man forward Warblers, or Sebastian is fine too.

It’s Regionals time! Finally! We’ve been waiting for this moment since Glee began. The Warblers are up first singing “Stand” and they are very polished, as per usual. Finn is so moved that he stands up to cheer for them and reveals his oversized schoolboy outfit. He is so special.

Everyone is super moved when Sebastian announces the charity the Warblers are collecting for and then they bust into some serious boy band moves.  All the girls in the front row are crying and ripping out their hair.

Wow, there’s actually another team that’s performing. It’s the Golden Goblet Girls. Please, that’s no competition! Take those holy kids down Glee kids!

Puh-raise Artie!

Now it’s time for the New Directions! Rachel kicks it off and there is fog everywhere. How come they get all the special effects? I think this is an unfair advantage. Then the rapping begins. I’m a little confused by this medley. And why didn’t they dedicate it to Karofsky as well?

By the way, when did they practice all this? I’ve never seen them rehearse any part of this performance.

Also, there are a few girls I’ve never seen in Glee before that just randomly appeared in the dance number. Is this legal in Regionals? Mr. Shu, are you pulling some funny business in Regionals?

That’s better!

Now Rachel is singing alone, just the way she likes it. The girls eventually join her and then the boys magically appear in the balconies. Look at them breaking the fourth wall. Very inventive Shu.

This is easily the longest medley at Regionals.

The Dracula character announces the winners. This seems to be a running theme with these Regionals: having the weirdest community character announce the winners. I have to hand it to him, he did not drop character the whole time he was announcing.

They did it! The New Directions have finally caught a break, even though they didn’t dedicate their song to Karofsky.

Oh happy day! Everyone is rejoicing. Quinn finally gets back on the Cheerios! To celebrate, she wears her cheer outfit, everywhere. She is never taking that thing off.

Kurt celebrates by visiting Karofsky in the hospital and giving him a life pep talk.  He has Karofsky imagine what life will be like in ten years. In ten years, he will be a sports agent with a fantastically handsome life partner and a kid. They end the ooey gooey moment agreeing to be friends. Suicide crisis averted.

Regionals inspires Sue to be a nicer person for a minute and she tells Shu she’s pregnant. Maybe the hormones are turning her into a real lady with motherly instincts. Who’s going to be the villain now?

It looks like it’s going to be the worried parents of the two about to be married kids. They are going to stop this wedding at all costs!

Everyone is ready for the wedding but wait, where’s Quinn? She’s stuck behind a tractor, for real. Oh Ohio!

As Quinn is texting Rachel back, she gets sideswiped by a truck. And then no more Glee until April 10^th.

That’s not a cliffhanger at all.