Glee: Too many divas!

This season, the writers of Glee are having a contest as to who can make Brittany look the dumbest. And so far, they are off to a good start! Not only have they managed to make her look mentally challenged and make me question how she doesn’t get put into remedial classes or have a “special” tutor, but they’ve also made her a slut. Which definitely adds to the character. At least she believes in unicorns. Go female empowerment!

Black unicorns turn into zebras when they forget they are unicorns. And she’s borderline racist.

Time for the witty repartee between Mr. Shu and the Glee kids! Mr. Shu announces that everyone in Glee needs to be part of Booty Camp, which is a truly clever take on Boot Camp that requires a lot of shaking of your you-know-what.

But because he’s starting Booty Camp, an activity that is truly worthy of his time, he will no longer be able to direct the musical.

Rachel doth protest! Is anyone surprised? This course of action is going to ruin any chance she has of getting into Broadway, because everybody knows that if Mr. Shu doesn’t direct the play, all those theater scouts that come from Broadway to Ohio to find new talent are going to be severely disappointed and walk out of the theater in disgust before Rachel even gets a chance to hog the spotlight.

Then Finn is called out on his white man moves and reverts to his classic “Whaaaaat?” face. We can’t fault him for his lack of moves; he’s astoundingly white and tall. That’s two strikes against any sort of dancing capability.

Kurt is the next one on the chopping block as Mr. Shu continues to point fingers to sub-par dancers. He is in shock, as any gay man would be, but what bothers me more is the outfit choice by his boy toy Blaine. Did he neglect to walk by any mirrors this morning? If you wear a pink bowtie, suspenders and stripes you’re a mime. No amount of gay is going to get you out of it.

Mike finally speaks up because he is the Dancing King. He is truly upset with Kurt’s shimmy-ing. He is so upset, in fact, that he must demonstrate it to the others. This is not what dancing is!

As diva as she is, Mercedes is not able to escape the fact that she actually needs to move on stage. Apparently, just standing still or slightly swaying while belting out awesome solos is not sufficient in Mr. Shu’s eyes. He’s turning into a real Glee Drill Sergeant.

To further drive Rachel into a state of panic, which is her norm, Mr. Shu brings in the replacement directors he’s found: Coach Beiste and Ms. Pillsbury.  Predictably Rachel flies off the handle at this suggestion and is immediately reminded that no one cares about the arts, especially in Ohio. Then Mr. Shu goes on to explain that he’s appointing a student director, to which Rachel predictably assumes herself. Brittany then says the first smart thing she’s said all season, “I hate you.” So true Brittany, so true.

It’s Artie! Everyone has a touching moment because this is the best thing to happen to Artie since Brittany sexed him.

Shelby’s back! Dum Dum DUUUUUUM!

It looks like there’s going to be a second Glee club. Shelby makes a big deal explaining how Sugar and her dad tracked her down in New York because she’s the best show choir director ever and Sugar deserves the best. She reminds me of Rachel more and more every day. But at least with the money that Sugar’s dad is paying off the principal, the kids can finally get the toilet paper they’ve been wanting. Thanks for injecting some humor in the middle of a sinister plan Glee writers!

Quinn is back to being a bad girl, giving people swirlies for lunch money. Just like they did in the fifties!

Sue is pleased with this new evil and decides to use it her advantage; using Quinn as a poster child for what can happen to you if you participate in the arts. Quinn accepts because she hates life now and the deal is done.

Back to Brittany and her ridiculous ideas. She has been busy campaigning and has decided that the best way to promote Kurt’s unicorn presidency is with flaming pink posters and swag bags filled with ultra-gay paraphernalia called Kurt’s Bulging Pink Fun Sack. Really Glee writers? I wish for once you guys would give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she knows about genitals, especially since you’ve established that she’s seen so many.

Shelby really wants to make things work this time around. Since she left her baby, she doesn’t want Quinn to do the same. So she gets really preachy about mistakes she’s made and Quinn says that Shelby’s not Beth’s mom, she is. This is surprising since, last I remember, she signed papers that made Shelby Beth’s mom. But I guess Glee needed more plot twists so let the indecisiveness continue!

First day of booty camp and Mr. Shu is showing off all his moves. It seems that Mr. Shu is using Glee club to get some much-needed validation that he never acquired in high school.

While at Booty Camp, Kurt and Blaine have a passive-aggressive conversation about who is going to try out for the role of Tony in West Side Story. Kurt wins the fight by beating Blaine into submission with his jazz hands.

Rachel is getting ready for her audition and who walks in but Shelby. It looks like all Shelby is doing in this episode is getting up in everybody’s business. Rachel has met her pushy match and actually submits to Shelby’s suggestion of “Somewhere There’s a Place for Us” as her audition song. And what does Shelby do but join right on in the song. Mr. Shu and Shelby have to step down and let these kids have their day. You passed up your Broadway dreams, just let it go.

And now for Sue’s video campaign to take down the arts once and for all! It starts out swell with Quinn looking angsty and sad, like those dogs in ASPCA commercials, but then they go into Mr. Shu’s office and that’s when the campaign goes south. Quinn blames Mr. Shu for all her problems and Mr. Shu finally grows some balls and yells back at her. Quinn is shocked and leaves the room in tears while Becky, Sue’s sidekick, is properly aroused.

Puck decides to be a man and play father to Beth, so he barges into Shelby’s apartment unannounced with a drug test and a creepy drawing of a clown pig. Ta da! I’m a dad now!

They have some touching moments so that every lady in America wants to bone him even more than they already do. There is nothing American women love more than a man with a sensitive side, except chocolate.

It’s audition time! What a great way to insert more musical numbers into the show! Kurt performs a Barbara Streisand song to prove that he is the right guy to play Tony, the most masculine role in West Side Story.

I’m just sayin’.

Puck makes ladies across America even more excited by confronting Quinn and her “skankiness”.  You see he doesn’t care about Quinn and her selfishness; he cares about the baby they brought into this world. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

The new directors of the musical have a little pow wow to discuss the possible cast. They make sure to establish that everyone stands a fair chance at the lead roles and then go on to have an in-depth discussion about how fairylike Kurt is. Of course Kurt is listening in on the conversation and becomes extremely upset with the new information.  I get that Kurt wants the lead, but he’s been working so hard the past three seasons to own and flaunt his gayness, so why is he bugging out?

To make matters worse, the halls are covered in the flaming unicorn posters. How is he ever going to prove he’s manly now?

After Kurt explodes at Brittany for putting up ultra-gay posters all over the school, Brittany puts on her sad lip. Santana tells her that she, Brittany, is the unicorn and everything is ok again. God I wish it were that easy.

If you guessed that Kurt was going to prove that he was a man by performing a scene from Romeo and Juliet with Rachel, you would be correct. Unfortuantely, his plan did not prove his manliness and he instead was laughed off the stage. You can’t establish that you are the gayest boy at McKinley High and then want people to think that you are manly Kurt. People can only take on stereotype at a time.

We get a special sneak peek at Sugar’s awful voice as she rehearses in her own “special” Glee club with Shelby. I bet Shelby is really glad she made this deal.

Angsty Quinn comes in and asks Shelby if she can see Beth. Shelby says no because Quinn isn’t blonde anymore and Quinn becomes even more angsty. Shelby finally lets her see a photo and Quinn gets the angstiest and starts crying.

Rachel and Finn have make-out time in Burt Hummel’s garage and Kurt comes to complain to his dad about his level of gayness. Thankfully, Burt knocks some sense into him by pointing out just how gay he truly is. And then he tells him that a unicorn without a horn is just a horse. Way to keep this unicorn thread going through the show Glee writers.

Finn does a dance move!

Quinn shows up in a white dress!

Then Quinn reveals her plan to get Beth back. Dum dum DUUUUUUM!

Sue drops the bomb on Mr. Shu that she’s first place in the polls because everyone loves to hate the arts. Then there is some general plotting amongst the underdogs about how they’re going to bring Sue down, to be continued next episode.

Kurt has finally learned to accept his gayness and is hanging up his own version of the flaming posters all over school. Only Brittany has stepped down as his campaign manager because she’s going to run as well. Twist.

It’s finally time for Blaine’s audition and he is obviously going to be Tony. But he makes an admirable denial of the role because he loves Kurt so much.

Will he or won’t he read for Tony? Find out on the next Glee.