GLEE: This epi sucked and I used the word “bitch” and its variations about 158 times. Did I mention I’m PMSing?

I am on a two day countdown before Aunt Flo comes to visit. You’ve been warned.

Would you like the good news or the bad news first Gasmii? Last epi “Showmance” was so raunchy and delicious so of course this one had to suck. That’s right. This epi sucked. Balls. And not in the good life affirming way either.

It makes sense though. Balance of the universe. For every action there is an equal in force but opposite in direction; reaction. It’s science yo. It was great that “Showmance” the first epi after the pilot rocked the cock and reaffirmed our faith in Glee, too bad they did not make it a holy Trinity.

My initial recap was going to be: “This epi sucked. Let’s not waste our time any further m’kay. Catch ya next time hos!” But since the Red Sea is going to be flowing any day now and I had McDonalds!!! Which tasted like transfat btw (sorry but since I am subjected to this torture so shall you be) let’s get bitchy with it! Hollllaaaaaaa!

Who’s this bitch? Will’s mother? Oh, sorry! Como etas Mami? OMG! That guy…whathisname. Sydney’s daddy from Alias, that actor that outed Jennifer Garner’s pregnancy.

Loves him! Will’s Papi! Muy buen!

So, dinner at Casa Will and Poodle with ze parents. (French and Spanish are practically the same language no? Gosh I sound like an ignorant American when I say that. Can I have my citizenship now DHS?) What’s on the menu? Hamburger Casserole, watch out for ze bones.

Will, bursting with glee (how appropriate!), decides to spill the beans about Poodle’s not-pregnancy. Both his parents jump for joy but Pooch is not too thrilled, thinking they were going to keep it mum for a little while longer while she figured out how to deal with the lie. A. Tell the truth. B. Fake a miscarriage C. Fake the pregnancy and steal a baby. I’m going to go with C. on this one.

While the Poodle takes Mama Schue to check out the phantom babe’s new digs, Will and Papi have a heart to heart.

Willie boy is terrified and doesn’t really want to do this. Huh? When did he become Jason Bateman’s character in Juno? The runaway daddy. I thought Will was excited, pre-baby jitters that’s all. Schue Senior admits his parental shortcomings and blames himself for Will’s lack of confidence. He wanted to be a lawyer, saved up for law school but didn’t have the cojones to apply. He chickened out for a cushy insurance job instead. And truthfully, with all the sleazebag lawyers in the world he did okay. Unless he’s working at the firm of Glengarry Glen Ross. Wait that was real estate. Insurance, real estate, same diff. Being a good father and being a good man is all about guts. Will has about 6 months to figure out if he has any. *GULP*

Glee rehearsal and boy does Will’s choreography suck today. Guts – maybe. Dance moves – definite no. Who is willing to point this out to Mr. Schue?

Behind door number one…

Willie inquires what’s wrong with the choreography. Cut to; Bibletease: “It sucks.” Teresa Barbie: “Completely unoriginal.”

Of course! Not that Rachbitch wouldn’t have the sour puss to complain on her own but because the writers also want to bring depth or something to her character they have the evil cheerleading Barbies manipulate her! Bibletease and Teresa Barbie convince Rach to trash Will’s moves and demand they hire “Dakota Stanley” the best show choir choreographer in the Mid West. He also instructs their rivals, Vocal Adrenalin. Ummm…what is it I’m smelling? Oh yeah, rip-off of Bring It On!

Let me see those spirit fingers!

Dakota Stanley was also the understudy to the candelabra for Beauty and the Beast on Broadway…impressive! Will doesn’t think so. “Just because he understudied doesn’t mean he ever performed” Will snaps! Whoa! Down girlfriend!

Bibletease hits back asking if he ever performed…after high school that is! Bitchslap! Evil Cheerleading Barbie: 1 Will Schue:

Rachbitch looks a little guilty and uncomfortable at this humiliation of Willie – You fucking bitch! It’s all your fault!

“I wanted to, that was my dream…I just never had -” “THE GUTS?” Martha interjects. She’s cleaning her plants, leaf by leaf with a spray bottle and gloves *nose flare Gasmii, nose flare* She does say that it takes more certainty then talent to be a star. “Look at John Stamos” WHAT? WHAT?! He was amazing as “Uncle Joey” – “Uncle Jessie” which one was he?! Okay bitch! If we have to look at any example let’s look at you! Having frog eyes that are way beyond POPPING out of your head and a babyish lisp and your bobble head has obviously not deterred you in any way!!!! Wait. That has nothing to do with your talent. I’m just making fun of how you look. Because I hate you. Boo hoo I’m a bitch.

Well what the hag said is true. Mostly it’s confidence and attitude that get you noticed. Or a big ass, Hello K. Kardashian! I hate you even more for saying something wise you hag! Just shut up and clean your flowers!

Will slumps down in her chair and moans about being nervous about becoming a dad and wanting the kid to be proud of him and shut up! He hopes it’s cool that he’s dumping all his baggage on Martha bitch. It’s cool she assures him coz they are both in relationships and …and…and…WAAAAAHHHHH! Please God help me! Can you just say your lines and stop trying to act? Please. Just get them out in a monotone robotic voice and I’ll be happy! Will inquires about her and Coach Tubs and what they do at night alone in the dark and she tells him how she’d like to take her toothbrush and scrub every ounce of that blubber. They’re looking for a third, is Will interested?

Staff room. Sandy the Piano Ped from epi uno is back and filing his nails at the table. Normally I would jump and squeal and gush for joy at the sight of anything gay and in pastel but I’m feeling real lethargic today and I don’t like this guy coz I’m guessing whatever plot line they involve him in is going to be so contrived it’s going to be Zzzzzzz!

Will wants to know what he is doing here since last time he got his ass booted for stroking a student but Sands explains that while he is not allowed 50 ft near kiddies, he is allowed in the staff room…M’kay. He’s here to see “Andre” – who?! The shop teacher. Ooooh – kay. He got Andre the job. He told Principal Abdullah that the school would end up with a bunch of Nancy boys unless they got some hot wood into the hands of the young men. *BIG SMILE* Did I mention how much I love the gays?!

Entire Andre, shop teach. Turns out he downed too much cough syrup and cut off both thumbs. He’ll never hitchhike across Europe, it was a dream! LOL, you know, the more times I watch this epi (this is my fourth time now folks) the more I likey. The jokes get funnier or maybe it’s cause I’m finally ODing on chocolate. Omg, Russell Stover’s Almond Delight. Do your thighs a disservice now! Wash it down with either Maker’s Mark or Baileys. Or both. At the same time.

So the shop teach cut off both thumbs so Will arranged a cake. Poodle was supposed to bring it but instead sent her dyslexic Sheets ‘n Things assistant…ummmm…Howard? Let’s call him Howard. Wait. Pause. Rewind (now watching this schlep for the fifth time Gasmii, in the name of journalistic integrity) It IS HOWARD! Wow! And I thought I was just being random. Howard sucks though. Let’s call him Lewis.

Lewis brought over a cake that I’m presuming the Poodle baked since it has two hands doing the thumbs up gesture with “Two Thumbs Up” iced letters. Only Poodle could be so insensitive.

Gross! Even when I get off the rag I have no intention of getting any muff action thanks to that image. Fuck you Glee Director of Photography! You Bastard! I can tell you hate women. Sicko!

Knock on the door and hey it’s Sandy! “I’m ready for my close-up Mr. DeMille” and LOL, if ever there was a Norma Desmond it’s Mr. Sands here. Bravo for that tribute Glee writers even though I’m sure it flew right over the heads of your target audience. What? 10 – 15 year olds right?

This must be a few weeks later because Will has apparently grown some cojones and instead of glossing it over tells Sandy that the group took a vote and having him in the club would just be “creepy” Slam door in face. Wow Will! Kinda hot how you just stood up there and shut that crazy down. I’m liking. But then he goes and ruins the effect by queening out and bursting into song after he shuts the door. *Sigh* What are they singing? “This is how we do it”?!

Poodle bursts out of the bedroom lamenting that if she doesn’t get any sleep she could miscarry. Miscarry what?! Certainly not your bitchy attitude. Meow! Will apologizes and says he’ll be “right in” to which Poodle replies that she hopes so and ewwww. Don’t you hate sexy talk between non-sexy people? Will closes the door on the “Acafellas” and goes to roll around in bed and slobbered passionately on his co-star. Poodle is so turned on by this boy band thing and their love life has gotten so red hot that they are doing the monkey once a week. What an achievement Will. P.S. You’re gay. “It was like she was trying to make a twin” Will voice over’s as Poodle’s pee – on – a – stick clues us in that there’s not even one bun in that oven!

It must be Rach. You should be sorry for ever being born! Or sorry that your two gay dads mixed their sperms together and implanted a surrogate using a turkey baster! Then being born!

A plate of cookies is not going to soften Will. He’s missed six rehearsals and when he is there. He’s not really focused. Glee Club needs him! Will tells Rach not to apologize and if it wasn’t for her being such a huge cunt he would have never resurrected the boy band thing. I say let’s burn the bitch at the stake! She has a lot to answer for!

Will thinks Glee should hire Montana – sorry Dakota – LOL, Willie made a funny. He’ll still be there for them vocally but he doesn’t have time for everything anymore. How fickle is Will?! First he wants Glee, then he quits Glee then he heads it again. Then he starts a boy band and now he’s only half interested in Glee. *Homer Simpson* Doh!

Rach informs G Club that Schuie wants them to hire Montana – Alaska – Siberia …sorry I meant Dakota. Finn (the artist/ character formerly known as Head Jock) is not happy about this development. But the Cheerleading Barbies just want to win. Btw, Teresa, Hispanic Barbie is getting a lot of lines this week. Good for you girl but I hope we are not going to get too much character development and an arc with you. Me thinks there are already too many stars on this show.

Finn blames Rach for Mr. Schue not wanting to come back. Guys are real sensitive when it comes to critique. Rach doesn’t see what she has to do with Mr. Schue not having the confidence to coach them any longer but Finn throws the plate of “I’m Sorry” cookies right back in Rach’s face. Hiss!

Bibletease is bored. All those in favour of hiring Ohio – Louisiana – Nevada…just raise your damn hands! Hallejah! Everyone raises their hand except Finn and Rach gives him a defiant smile and nose flare before raising her too! Bitch.

As Rach storms from the room, Finn runs after her. They have a conversation which bores me but I’mma summarize it anyway. He’s trying to figure out if she’s being a cunt because of their kiss in the auditorium which ended with him begging her not to reveal his eternal shame to everyone and leaving her sobbing alone in the dark. No, Rach is concentrating on her career but by the way, it’s ironic that Finn is this cool, popular football player and she is this nobody that gets slushies thrown in her face but she’s the one with enough confidence to admit that what happened between them in the auditorium was real. Oh…this episode is all about confidence! Whoopsie! Sorry! Did not get the memo til now!

Finn has feelings for Rach but doesn’t have the guts to admit it. Maybe he does realize he has feelings for her but can’t believe he could be attracted to such an annoying hag! Makes sense to me! G club are hiring Dakota Stanley. Rach walks away. Even if it means Finn quitting. “Yes” She answers without turning around to face him. Wow. Tough Love Rach.

Know what this episode’s been missing? Some good ol’ Jane Lynch! And how delicious is her name anyway?! Sue-cougar’s office and the Bitches Cheerleading are giving their report of G Club sabotage. She is happy on their progress but will not be completely satisfied until Glee Club is disbanded. What about Arizona? Massachusetts? Will he be able to help them? Bibletease reassures S-coug that he’ll eat them alive. She bets 15 mins before somebody quits or tries to commit suicide. This guy must be an ogre.

Sue reminisces about her time in Special Forces. She gives the Barbies advice about dismembering sheep; I mean she gives them advice how to bring Glee Club down by taking out their members one by one. Sue wants her full budget restored. She needs a fog machine *Happy face* Good seeing you Sue! Just for that line you don’t have to say or do another thing for the rest of the show. But she does – so I’m grateful!

Hey! It’s Mo’Nique! Strange, why do we care? Oh is Glee going to focus on other characters now? I really don’t feel like investing emotions in any more one dimensional characters. *Sigh* Here we go!

Mo’Nique is observing other couples mating in the school hallway and sighs in longing. In sashays Marc Jacobs. She inquires if he’s ever kissed someone. “Yes” he replies – if she means by someone, the tender crook of his elbow. He then proceeds to anoint himself with hairspray. Amen!

LOL, I hope you are watching this show in ADDITION to reading these recaps Gasmii. This is pure gooey goodness right here.

MJ observes Mo’Nique longing after the couples and tells her to snap out of it. As members of Glee Club, Special ED kids will get more action then they will. He cheers her up and grabs her and they skip arm in arm down the hall together. MJ distracts Mo by asking what she’s going to wear to the Operation Dakota Stanley Fieldtrip. Was there a dress code? FYI, Every moment of your life is an opportunity for fashion. Mall trip after school! MJ flits away just in time for the evil StepBarbies to appear at Mo’s side egging her on to “scoop that” WHAT?! “Scoop that?!” Hello 80′s! That’s not cool is it?! Mo laughs and says they she doesn’t think she is his type, yep girl you are not his gender! But the evil Barbies correct her saying she should follow their lead. They have her back. Yes they have your back! They are keeping a good eye on it! All the better to be able to stick a knife in it!

Acafellas performing. Excuse me while I try not to hurl up my delicious microwaveable dinner. Have you guys tried “Al Dente” authentic Italian in plastic! Yummers. Why is Will wearing a fedora?! Whhhhyyyy???!!!!

LOL, Why is Abdullah there? Why is he so excited? Why is the audience jamming? Why is Tubs rapping and why for the love of God does he have a baseball cap askew of his head?! Whyyyyyyy????

Will ends the show by blowing an air kiss (so effing gay btw!) to Poodle but Martha body leaps across the way in order to catch it. This arouses suspension in the Pooch which Martha tries to mask by calling out Coach Tubs name.

How the hell did they get an album together so fast?!

Will’s parents are hawking out the LP. They sold all seventeen copies and his mama didn’t even have to flash an areola. I smell gin. Mama Schue is a lush. Will and Papi share a touching moment interrupted by Abdul. Parent meeting next Thurs and he wants Acafellas to perform. He needs the parents happy in light of the fact they just found out that their children were being served prison food. Depart Abdul. Will and Papi go back to their lovefest and huggies.

School bell a’ ringing and Will is a’ reading a review about the Acafellas performance. Big thumbs up! (Sorry Thumbelina) to the group! Enter Sands wearing three shades of pastel that is all kinds of wrong! And he announces he wants in. As Will stands up to beat him down (as if) Sandy spews out two words. Josh. Groban. Lewis inquires who this magical fairy creature might be as Sandy screeches “Who is Josh Groban kill yourself” LMFAO.

Apparently (actually “He Raised Me Up” has been confirmed as a guest star) JG is attending the PTA meeting.

Sandz and JG are bffs since JG accidently befriended him on Myspace (Which is DEAD! Repeat Myspace is DEAD! No I don’t work for Facebook, I’m just preaching the gospel here). JG will only be interested in Acafellas if Sandy is in the group. Will stands up to him and the others show their resolve too by crossing their arms but as soon as Sandy mentions “Opening Act:” those arms come undone. That’s resolve for ya folks!

Up rolls Glee Club in a phat ride. MJ is loaded! Figures since he can afford designer gear but what the hell is he wearing anyway?! Nice wheels ‘Nique smiles. MJ’s dad got it for his sweet sixteen after he swore to stop wearing form fitting sweaters that stop at the knee. What is MJ wearing today? You guessed it. What Daddy doesn’t know won’t shame him.

It’s Operation Dakota Stanley Field Trip! Bibletease asks if they are even sure if Vocal Adrenalin are rehearsing today which gives Rach the opportunity to showcase what a crazy obsessive freak she is by stating VA rehearse everyday from 2:30pm til Midnight. Ha! ‘Nique is worried about VA making fun of then but MJ reassures her that she looks amazing while the Barbie bitches gives her an encouraging nod. ‘Nique take this cue and asks MJ if he’d like to hang out, He invites her over seeing as it’s Liza Minnelli week and I don’t even have to scream “Hello Bitch! Wake up he’s gay!” thanks to that line.

Eww…why is there a girl in a sleeveless unitard and a short turquoise skirt, barfing into a garbage can outside? Why is there another girl in same uniform plus a neckbrace holding back her hair and telling her she can’t leave practice for any reason including heat stroke and *insert any name* disease.

Rach marches up happily mid retch and tells them she wants to talk to Dakota Stanley about choreographing their Glee Club but Vomit Girl warns her off saying he’s a monster.

It’s only suppose to be a rehearsal but these Vocal Adrenalin kids are fucking Broadway all the way! “Mercy”

Dakota orders them off his stage in disgust. Excellence is obviously not good enough for him! He wants more.

After rehearsal Glee Club runs after the little fellow wanting him to be their choreographer. Okay. You want him? $8 000 per number, $10 000 bonus if they place in the top three. How quickly that eager smile slides off Rach’s face. I love it. He jets off in a hot little sports car with a leggy blond at his side careful not to get Glee geek on his car.

Will is giving Tubs a dancing lesson. Lewis calls to quit the band. Martha comes in to break the news Thumbs downed 6 bottles of cough syrup and needs to go to rehab. Wow, Fox couldn’t afford to pay the actors through the whole episode?! Looks like Acafellas is doomed but Martha encourages Will to keep on trucking.

Is Will posting an ad on Craigslist? I love Craigslist! Found both my apartments on there! In comes Finn to let Will know his quitting Glee Club too. Will didn’t quit! But he might as well have. Rach is dictator and Finn is not having any fun anymore. What with the football guys calling him “deepthroat” everytime he gets into a huddle… Will encourages him to stick with it a little longer but as Finn shrugs to walk away Will sees his Craigslist post and DING! Light bulb!

Locker room. Le Mullet approaches Coach Tubs and inquires about the vacancy in Acafellas. He plays guitar and is a really good singer. Colour me surprised.

Backstory on Le Mullet. He’s a pool boy and bangs cougar housewives. Also he has a nipple ring. End backstory. I gotta admit, I now have a crush on Mullet. Despite the dream of a hubby and 13 kids I still hope to be a cougar someday hey, this is America. I can have it all!

Coach Tubs grabs Mullet by the wife beater and threatens him not to blow it. Rehearsals are Tuesdays and Thursday at eight. Don’t be late.

Will plays guitar too. Acafellas rehearsal. Mullet and Finn are ready to rock but Finn has two left feet and is falling all the place. Mullet smacks him declaring his bowels have better movements. Will interjects before a fist fight can erupt and spews some baseball metaphor complete with batting swinging action to get them to relax. Voila! They can dance.

Rach and Hardcore Asian Lez, HAL , march up to Mo to have a gaytervention. It’s obvious ‘Nique wants some of MJ’s huney but darling you don’t have the stinger! Mo counters just because MJ likes to wear nice clothes doesn’t mean he’s gay. Rach hisses that he wore a corset to second period! HAL thinks Mo can do better. Really? Where are all the guys knocking down her door? Or Rach’s or HAL’s for that matter? Mo talks herself out of the gaytervention by reasoning I don’t understand but she does deliver her lines sassily and with a few head rolls so I’m not going to complain. End gaytervention and stamp it unsuccessful. Moving on.

Carwash! This is SO Bring It On! Lawd! I’m taking that Emmy nomination back writers! How do you disappoint!

Turns out Sue organized this soap and wax – what?! Did pigs grow wings? Sue lent the Cheerios and their whorish outfits so Glee could raise that $8 000 for Colorado – Wyoming – Arkansas!

Ahhhh…Sue didn’t get hit over the head. This is all apart of the Master plan! Bwahahahah wwhahahah.

Martha babbles on about how much she loves a car wash, when she was a tater tot her daddy use to let her wash the car with her little toothbrush and Sue cuts her off thankfully by saying how inspiring it is how she uses her mental illness to help the kids. Sue delivers the death blow by expressing shock that Martha is not married yet. Shock!

While polishing MJ’s rims – the ones on his car! ‘Nique coyly suggests that they make it official. Make what official? That they are not-fucking aka dating. MJ keeps from bursting out in laughter instead apologizing but saying he though he made it very clear, he’s in love with someone else. He looks over at Finnie boy but as Mo follows his gaze, Rach rises up and into frame and into girlfriend’s sightline. MJ is in love with Rachbitch?! MJ swallows his gay pride and covers that yes, he is in love with the “oh so annoying one”. For several years now.

Violins or fiddles or some such screech as ‘Nique bends over picks up a brick/ big ass rock and BAM! Right through the windscreen!

Diva performs “I bust your windows out your car” LMFAO, ROTF! She ends up in a music vid fantasy sequence dancing on top of that busted car. AHAHAHAHAAA. The Cheerwhores break the rest of the windows with crowbars in the Music vid and it’s A – MAZING.

Back to reality, where MJ is screechingly asking how Mo’Nique could bust his window. “Well you busted my heart. Humph” She actually did that “Hmphf” sound Gasmii and I’m going to be going around for the next week snapping my fingers and doing head twirls without rhyme or reason.

Finally! After the whole episode build up, Memphis! Texas! Maryland has arrived! Sorry Gasmii, I’ll stop that now, it was fun while it lasted but I’m officially out of states…can’t think of one more….nope. NEW YORK! Hello I live here! Psychic! Sorry, it’s over now. “Over nowwww…come on a take a bowwww!!!!” Thanks Rihanna, I can burst out into song too ya’ll! Respect!

Finally Dakota is here and it’s time for a rude awakening Glee Clubbers. First order of business, personalized menus for all except Hot Wheels and Cheerbitches. All Mo’s menu reads is “coffee” while Rach gets stuck with a low carb, pungent freshwater fish.

Next on the agenda; Hot Wheels is cut. He’s not trying hard enough – at walking. Sorry but LMAO. Mo’Nique is next, adios “effie” The Gnome is fun! Let’s keep him please!

MJ outraged, challenges that Sméagol the Hobbit can’t just kick people out because he doesn’t like the way they look. Gollum tells him to shut his face and stay away from aerosol cans because he can burst into flame any second there.

Moving down the line he pronounces the Cheerwhores perfect, tells them not to change a thing but I would like to yank those bangs off the Barbie I call Heather – cause she looks like one of the Heathers from Heathers was that a sentence? You know, the Heather who wore yellow and tried to off herself by way of pills but Winona saved her. Yeah that one. Anyhoo, hates her bangs, they look like they was pasted on with glue. Also Hispanic Barbies ears stick out a smidge too much and the bridge of Bibletease’s nose is too flat and…I could go on and on here but I’m just nitpicking because I’m jelly that I don’t have the thighs of a sixteen year old whore anymore. Wah!

Rach needs a nose job. Finn is freakishly tall! Gollum feels like a Woodland creature…ummm…that’s because you are one. The kiddies are upset and Gnome backs that lawnmower right over those hurt feelings. Finn announces he’s quitting along with the rest of the G Club originals. But before they exit set, Rach stops them. “When Barbara Streisand was a young ingénue” if Rach says ingénue one more time this season I am going to strangle the bitch! Anyhoo, Babs was told to get a nose job but obviously she kept the honker and look at her now! I mean, look at her a few years ago, like 30, when she was hot and relevant. Too bad Jennifer Grey didn’t stick to her guns…

Gnome wants to know where “Yental” (LOL) is going with her babbling. Point is (couldn’t you have gotten to it sooner Rach?!) point is, they don’t need Gnome. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! YOU HAG! ME LOVES ME THE GNOME!!!!! He’s axed.

(P.S. Rach is Jewish? With that nose I thought she was Greek. Fuck the Greeks! My last boyfriend was Greek and despite the fact he had a huge Greek….baklava? Gyro? He was an asshole that broke my heart. Mmmm…baklava…yeah, fuck the Greeks…Mmmm…Sorry. )

Rach acknowledges that Glee will never be as good of dancers as Vocal Adrenalin but being different is what makes them special and what will give them the winner. I say don’t hold your breath; I’m seeing a runner-up finish in the finale. Take your bets now Gasmii.

PTA meeting and night of the big Acafellas performance. Backstage, Coach Tubs is applying mascara. It makes their eyes pop. Sandy runs backstage squeeing that Josh Groban is there “front row, big brown eyes, cute as a buttermilk biscuit, I barfed” Me too! Just a little.

Performance time. “Sex you up” Ewww…so wrong.

P.S. Where the hell does this broke ass school get the money for these sets?! Why the hell is Will the only one with his bow tie untied?! Thinks he’s cool Mr. Lead Singer?! Wow, Mullet is good. Also his sexually stimulated dance moves make me excited; Sue-cougar too looks like she might be feeling the twitch… between her legs!

Ehhh…it was good…Martha claps wildly and Pooch looks on suspiciously. I smell a cat fight a’ brewing! YAY! I hope Poodle pulls off Martha’s face. With her teeth!

Backstage and Josh Groban walks in with his bodyguard. By bodyguard I mean the Incredible Hulk in chocolate flavour. Sandy can barely contain his excitement and thanks Josh for coming to – Josh interrupts saying he came to deliver – a restraining order. Against Sandy. Stop calling; stop sending the nudie pics, no more edible gift baskets, locks of Sandy’s hair or crazy ass sonnets. *shaking my head*

BTW, Show was great; Josh praises the rest of the group. Two thumbs up from JG and wow that was a real douchebaggie move Josh. Clearly that was a big fuck you to poor Thumbelina. Josh Groban is an a-hole ya’ll. Heard it here first.

Poodle and Will exit the school and Pooch apologizes for not being more supportive admitting the Acafellas were really good. (Yeah, but no one really wants to see a middle aged, midl-life crisis boy band!) Will stands there and makes her say good three times before giving in, wrapping his scarf around her neck (not to throttle her alas) and pulls her in for a kiss. Papa Schue comes up asking why bother? She’s already preggers. Um, no she’s not but that’s for another episode. Where is Mama Schue?

Being seduced by Josh Groban backstage of course! LOL. “Throngs of screaming teenagers don’t do it for Josh Groban. No. Josh Groban loves a blowsy alcoholic” Mama Schue burps out that she is a little bit drunk and not making very good choices right now and Josh Groban licks his lips. LMFAO!!!

Papi Schue and Willie have another heart to heart and it’s as boring as the first. Summary; Will is destined to be a loosah teacher and Papi is enrolling in law school. Hugs all round! Awwww…

Mo’Nique apologizes to MJ and offers to pay for the damages to his car. Ah! It’s okay. MJ’s daddy took his car away after finding his tiara collection in his “Hope Chest”. Mo wishes MJ luck with his relationship with Rach. She knows they’ll have really cute, really loud spawn of Satan babies. Oh the horror! I don’t even want to imagine! MJ ‘fesses up that he’s gay. Awwww… Mo says that he shouldn’t be ashamed and should shout it from the rooftops. Let’s get real here girl. It’s Ohio. Sorry, not that I want to stereotype Nowhere America but me thinks there is a lot of rednecks, at least in the part of Ohio that MJ inhabits and flying his rainbow flag would earn him a beat down. MJ sadly acknowledges that he’ll have to stay in the closet as far as a formal declaration is concerned but hello! I think it is mostly known and the Glee Club and I’m sure the rest of the school have accepted it. I really hope Mo is going to respect that and not out him. Please girl, you sang it R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

To summarize, Dakota Stanley is finito, Will Schue is back and Glee are working on a new number more confident than ever. Sue’s office. Bibletease and Teresa Barbie are being sentenced to death via firing squad but first they must smell their armpits. “That’s the smell of failure and it’s stinking up my office”. Sue revokes their tanning privileges and Teresa flies out crying no. Please Mami! As if you need to tan. Be proud of your natural pigmentation!

As Bibletease exits, she turns around and actually, stands up for herself. What is this fuckery?! Btease thanks Sue for teaching her a valuable life lesson “If you really believe in yourself you don’t have to bring other people down”. Excuse me while I pick my jaw off the floor Gasmii. GO BLONDIE BITCH!

Back to Glee rehearsal with the same tired choreography from Will. End routine and what do they think? Rach speaks up first and everyone takes a breath gearing for disaster but of course in accordance with clichés and lessons learnt, Rach announces it was good and everyone claps and warm fuzzy love all round! GAG.

Well I have to admit Gasmii, when I first saw this episode I hated it. But after the fourth/ fifth time it grew on me. Like fungus.

GO GLEE!