GLEE: Men are better than women or at least teen boys suck less than girls. (Ummm…well ummm, actually…that could be debated. If you grew up in Greenwich Village, NYC then maybe no.)

Last week’s epi was all about Kristin Chenoweth. Fox obviously makes their guest stars earn their checks. She’s cute and blond and petite. Yay for her, give her a cookie. She was also annoying as shit and I couldn’t listen to that squeaky helium balloon voice for too long.

Jane Lynch, Sue -cougar was only in one brief scene and ya’ll know I’m only doing these recaps for her. Also the Glee kids did an AWFUL! rendition of Queen’s “Somebody to Love”. Okay, I know it’s Queen and nobody could ever do them justice and this is why I beg people not to do any covers! Please! Just don’t. They are my fave band. When I heard “Bohemian Rhapsody” for the first time I played that over and over first thing in the morning for 7 months before I went to escuela. “I Want It All” is my ringtone. Please respect!

So last week sucked but this week ROCKED!
YAY GLEE!Glee Club rehearsal. The kids are half-assing their way through rehearsal. For some reason Finn, Hot Wheels and MJ are sitting out. Willie stops rehearsal in exasperation and questions what their deal is. He reminds them that they have Sectionals in two weeks and Mo’Nique retorts that it’ll be a breeze. Will continues warning and threatening when Finn stares at Hot Tub Skank Barbie’s petite little midsection (won’t be that way for much longer! HA!) MJ breaks into a chuckle and when Will looks questioningly over, MJ explains that he’s watching Youtube. What the hell is going on here?!

Lunch. Staffroom. Will is bitching to Martha with mustard in his cute “Cock Douglas” chin dimple. Oh wait. She said “Kirk”… or “Clark”. I heard “Cock” sorry. I’m hungry okay and I have a migraine! Will tries to clean it off by extending out his tongue and I just want him to put it back in or rip it out myself.

Gross. Thankfully Martha comes to my rescue and wipes it off. Unfortunately she’s wearing those fucking plastic gloves and instead of gratitude she earns my annoyance. Be thankful it wasn’t worse. A look of longing passes between the two and it’s so hard to refrain from gagging. Martha questions the kids’ complacency and Will explains that a week ago they received the competition bracket for Sectionals and they have two teams to beat. Their competition is a deaf school and juvie delinquents. The kiddies figure they’ve got it in the bag hence the laziness and disinterest.
Will tries to think out a way to motivate them and Martha starts rambling about her own sad childhood where her parents, who were too cheap to afford a maid, would use their mentally challenged hobbit (Martha) and created a stickerboard to trick the poor kid and Martha goes on about receiving a star and just as I’m about to yell “Shut the Fuck UP!” and throw my Eggo maple syrup stuffed french toast stick at the screen, a voice from an angel implores “Oh, dear God, please, please, stop talking. I’m trying desperately to ignore the treacly sweet inanity of your asinine conversation, but now I’ve got bile in my mouth. I will hold my tongue no further.”

Please note: This was a Jane Lynch episode extravaganza and so there shall be numerous direct quotes. Deal with it.

Sue shows them a roster of her Cheeriwhores. She informs them every week she picks a ho at random and boots her. Will counters at Glee they do it all differently and she reminds him they are dealing with children. “They need to be terrified. It’s like mother’s milk to them. Without it, their bones won’t grow properly.” (Okay, yeah that wasn’t as good but because of her two second appearance last epi I’m going overboard this week)
She advices him to find the competitive animal within the kid and unleash it. Sue-cougar departs by hurling an insult at “Ellen” re. Martha, commenting that her louse is just insane. AHAHAHAHHAHAAAAA I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO JANE LYNCH/ SUE- COUGAR!!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHA. I also love the fact that she calls Martha (real name Emma) “Alma”, “Er-ma”, and now “Ellen”.

Martha offended, can’t believe Sue is allowed to teach and I can’t believe stoopid bitches like you are allowed to roam around either but I’m not questioning it…that much. Will however realizes the value of Sue’s words and he muses aloud that she could be right which gives Martha a shocked sour puss face and makes me happy.

“Competition” Will shrieks while pairing pics on a corkboard. Bill Clinton and some fat bloated guy who I would advise to lay off the beer and fries. I’m assuming he’s a politician but with Billy boy’s record he could be an intern the President did NOT have sexual relations with. Newt Gingrich – I actually googled that shit Gasmii, if that doesn’t show my dedication then I don’t know what will. Oh yeah, getting these recaps in on time? The rest of the pairs are; a shark and a bear, a bolt of lightning and an above-ground swimming pool. WTF?
Will explains that each of the individuals on their own was a champion in their own right but in competition with each other they became even better. MJ voices my question when asking how a bolt of lightning and an above-ground swimming pool are in competition. Will tells him to just go with it and I’m wondering when the fuck the intelligent Spanish teacher became a dumbass. Oh yeah, “Acafellas”. Will wants them to up their game. Finn yawns and Hot Tub Skank shoots him a revolted look. Will orders them to split up into two groups. Las Chicas and los hombres. MJ walks over top the girls and Schue stops him. MJ looks up all doe eyed and Will indicates that he moosey his rump back to the boys’ team.
Will breaks it down for them. Boys vs. Girls. It’s a Glee-Off! Wow, creative *rolling my eyes* Heather Bangs because she has no speaking lines makes a face and I’m officially annoyed. FF. Wait, I’m skipping important info here. Rewind. Will explains that each team will perform a mash up. Le Mullet surprises me by asking what a mash up. Is Mullet a 92 yr old grandpa that he’s not in with the lingo?! FYI, Mash up is taking two songs and butchering them up to make “an even richer exploration of musical experience.” Isn’t that illegal or something? Whatevs. Finn almost keels over, why is the boy so tired? Will wants choreography and costumes and circus animals and fireworks.

Rach wants to know who will be the judge since by default, Mr. Schue’s gender makes him biased. Will teases them that there will be a celebrity judge. Please let it be Josh Groban please!!! Wait, the judge has to be gender neutral…some kind of gay I’m thinking…I didn’t see Christian Sirano’s name on the cast list and they would’ve promoted the shit out of it. Guess we’ll have to wait and see but if it’s Ryan Seacrest I want a refund.

Mo and the bitches head out proclaiming they have it in the bag and Rach backs it up with “Totally” as she’ll be storyboarding their choreography, LOL, so far I’m enjoying Rach tonight. Like wasabi, in small doses and I’m talking miniscule here, I’m a liking.
Will tells the boys to bring it and Hot Wheels informs them the boys are planning on smacking those tramps down “like the hand of God”. Good lines today! Schue notices Finn busting a yawn and inquires if everything is alright. Finn explains that he just feels a little worn out and the boys head out to football practice leaving Will concerned.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sue is doing a journal entry! With voice over!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is officially my favourite epi ever!!!!!!!!!
Sorry ya’ll be this is kind of gooey goodness that has to be transcribed word for word because it is pure BRILLIANCE!

“Dear Journal. Feeling listless again today. It began at dawn, when I tried to make a smoothie out of beef bones, breaking my juicer. And then at Cheerios practice, disaster!”
Cut to Sue-coug watching the Cheeriwhores makes a formation thingy, pyramid.
“It was unmistakable. It was like spotting the first spark on the Hindenburg. A quiver! We see a Hot Tub Skank’s leg a’ twitching. Bitch also acknowledges it but tries to press on anyway.
“That quiver will lose us Nationals. And without a championship, I’ll lose my endorsements. And without those endorsements, I won’t be able to buy my hovercraft – AHAHAHAHAHAAA.

Sue-coug refrains from straggling HT Skank’s neck instead asking in faux concern if she’s feeling okay and the little whore claims she’s just tired from Glee Club. Sue-coug looks daggers as HT Skank walks away.

“Glee Club. Every time I try to destroy that clutch of scab-eating mouth-breathers, it only comes back stronger, like some sexually-ambiguous horror movie villain. Here I am, about to turn 30 – (AHAHAHAHAHAA Like Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta. Forever 29), and I’ve sacrificed everything, only to be shanghaied by the bi-curious machinations of a cabal of doughy, misshapen teens. Am I missing something, Journal? Is it me? Of course it’s not me. It’s Will Schuester! What is it about him, Journal? Is it the arrogant smirk? Is it the store-bought home perm? You know, Journal, I noticed something yesterday. Flash to Martha and Schuie’s mustard *GAG* flirtation.
Of course. It’s coming clear to me now. If I can’t destroy the club, I will have to destroy the man!”
GOD. I. FUCKING. LOVE. THIS. SHOW.

“Let me be frank. Your husband is hiding his kielbasa in a Hickory Farms gift basket that doesn’t belong to you.” Sue-coug informs Poodle gently over tea at the Schue residence.

Pooch inquires whose vajayjay it is and Sue outs Martha, “Guidance counselor. Real floozy and a man-eater. Wears creepy brooches like the kind my Nana was buried in. More tea.”
“It’s the same old song “Sue muses, “wife puts on a couple of pounds” Poodle interrupts to inform Sue that’s she’s not-pregnant and Sue dismisses it saying “Oh, that’s no excuse. I’ve always thought the desire to procreate showed deep personal weakness. Me? Never wanted kids. Don’t have the time, don’t have the uterus.” That explains the she doesn’t menstruate comment back in epi two. What a sad world we live in knowing we will never be graced by an offspring from the bowels of hell. *Tear*

Pooch questions if Sue-coug is sure. Sue reassures her that if it isn’t a full blown an affair it is certainly headed in that direction. A machete is needed to cut through the haze of lust that surrounds them. Poodle frets what to do and Sue suggests that they move out of the school district. “Unless you want to lose your man to a mentally ill ginger pigmy with eyes like a bush baby.” *SNORT* AHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHHHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAAHAHAHAAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The most accurate description EVER!!!!!

Poodle wants proof and Sue tells her to get into the school and sniff out the sex pheromones for herself. They happen to have an opening. The school nurse is in a coma. Thanks to Sue-coug who stuck out a foot and tripped the 124 yr old Californian raisin on the stairs. Pooch points out that she’s not a nurse and Sue counters that she’s not even an American citizen being born in the Panama Canal Zone but she managed to get a passport anyway and run for office twice. Yeah, I’m pretty sure despite Sue’s claims of turning 30 that the Panamian Canal was still under US Gov. when she was born. Anyhoo, who am I to question The Jane Lynch? Nobody that’s who! She is Lord and Saviour most high!
Her advice to Poodle if she wants to keep her hubby is to “get creative”. Uh oh. She’s already faking a pregnancy! How more damn creative can she get?!

Principal Abdullah questions if Poodle is qualified for the nursing job and she explains as manager of bedding and towels she’s had first aid training plus and has used a defibrillator. Abdul looks impressed.

Will and Martha load up on the caffeine in the staff room. Will asks, actually tells Martha that she will be the celebrity judge in the Glee -Off and hey! What a cheap cope out! You couldn’t get a real celebrity?! Or a has been?! I know Paula Abdul’s schedule is clear.

Will tells Martha she’s the most honest and impartial person he knows and Poodle walks in on the touching moment. She introduces herself as Will’s not-pregnant wife. She observes that there is some lipstick on Martha’s cup and licks her finger to wipe away the inside of the cup. We get a close-up of this and the panic on Martha’s face and I give the Pooch a standing ovation. In my mind. I can’t actually get up as I have my laptop perched on my tummy and a glass of Maker’s Mark on my chest. No really.

Will asks if everything is okay aka “Why the hell you are invading my time sexing it up with this easy bitch before I get stuck with you and a brat. Do you want me to turn into Jon Gosselin?!”
Pooch informs him that she is not visiting she’s the new school nurse. Will argues that she’s not a nurse and Pooch quiets him by stating it’s a public school. She smiles at both the would be adulterers and lets them know she’ll be around all the time now. How great!

Boy’s locker room and I see some bare chest. Yay! Coach Tubs is blabbering but thankfully we’re not going into practice, its time for Finn’s character development. Finn explains that he’s just tired all the time and can’t keep his eyes open and boo fucking hoo. You are young and hot and a freaking stud. Mr. Popular. Cheer the hell up. You could be Sandy or Afrogeek or some other crazy loser. To his credit he does acknowledge that he should be happy and that he is lucky, captain of the football team, glee stud, his knocked up cheating cheerleader whore girlfriend is carrying his bff’s baby…plenty to be grateful for.

Still he can’t get Rachbitch out of his mind despite the crazy Swimfan attraction her body is smoking – if you’re not into boobs. LOL, Finn. His body is a mess. He has to rub biofreeze on his shins to help with growing pains and apparently into his eyes as well. *Sigh* Finn goes on to bitch about how hard his life is while playing a video game. How about putting down the controller and catching some Zzzzz man? That would make sense. Finn continues his monologue and I stop listening. I ordered a burger from a diner and I hope it’s going to be good; I also had to order a side of Buffalo wings because there’s a $10 min delivery charge. Urgh! Those damn wings better be amazing too. Where was I?

Finn’s momma reckons her baby boi is stretched too thin so he gave up homework but that hasn’t helped. Again I say put down the controller! Finn’s video game character gets the axe at level two which sucks but he doesn’t have the energy to care. Wow, that was so sad and poignant and yet I find the strength to go on. I am such a survivor!

Finn struggles to keep his eyes open as Mullet and MJ stare into his baby blues…or are his eyes brown? Hot Wheels inform him the boys are doing a mash up of Bon Jovi’s “It’s My Life” and Usher’s “Confessions”. Mullet suggests getting some trash can lids and stomping the yard up in there. Hot Wheels counters respectfully that he is more helpful when he doesn’t contribute. Finn eyes still threaten to close and Mullet tells him to see the school nurse. Uh oh. Mullet cries that he has a headache everyday and gets to sleep for three hours; he hasn’t been to Math class in two years. Real smart, I’d like to see how that plays out come graduation time.

Rach goes to rally the girls and they’re working real hard what with tweezing the eyebrows and doing manis.

Rach asks where HT Skank is and Heather Bangs actually gets a line and fucks it up anyway by “probably at the Mall looking for elastic waistbands.” Okay, so she didn’t really eff it up, I just hate her guts and still want to rip off those stoopid bangs. In my defensive the joke it could’ve been funnier. The bitches of course laugh nastily except for Rach. She warns the girls about getting complacent and Mo’ tudes that they’ve got it together. She picked their songs already; Beyonce’s “Halo” and “Walking on Sunshine” Rach points out that it was actually her selection and Mo’ brushes it off. Whatevs. She thinks they could wing it and Rach nearly bursts a blood vessel. When it comes to the vote though, she outnumbered by the other lazy sluts and Rach trots out defeated.

Finn walks into nurse’s office and there stands Poodle, with a stethoscope around her neck.AHAHAAA. He really is dumb enough not to run. Bozo! All poor tired Finny wants is nap time but instead Poodles examines his bone structure in delight and then leads him to the slaughter chair to dig a little deeper. She wants to know about his sleeping habits and what’s on his mind. I can answer that one. Peanuts. Wait, that’s the size of his brain. “Football, girls, dance steps, girls” and Poodle is not happy with this. Finn asks if a guy can be into two girls at once? Poodle crisply answers no and reminds him is dating Hot Tub Skank and flirting is cheating. The revenge of the jilted woman is pretty messy. You can ask one of my ex’s all about that Gasmii. Or you can ask the private investigator I hired…*wide innocent eyes* Hell really hath no fury… I blame my hormones. PMS is real.

All Finn wants is to sleep. Poodle asks if he wants to sleep through his life and lets rip a list of how well she did in High School – captained the cheerleading squad, kept a perfect 4.0 GPA, cultivated her popularity and maintained a loving relationship with the boy who would become her mentally cheating husband who only retains that title because she faked a pregnancy to salvage their marriage. Quite a successful life you’ve “cultivated” there Pooch.

Poodle herself ponders on all her achievements and wonders how she did it. By popping pills of course! Knew it! Pseudoephedrine. The ingredient they put in decongestions to make them non-drowsy. Pooch would pop two of them and be a firecracker for the rest of the day. She passes two to Finn calling them vitamins and he surprisingly questions the safety of using them. Pooch reassures him they’re over the counter, stock them next to the candy bars. P.S. She’s the school nurse; she knows what she’s doing. P.S.S. She graduated from the psycho nursing school of Delusion!

Finn BOUNCES into the show choir rehearsal room where the boys sit around and yep, he’s high as a chipmunk on cough syrup. Talking a mile a minute the boys question his sanity and he explains he simply went to the school nurse and got a vitamin. He wants to practice the Glee-off number and then build a house for “Habitats for Humanity”. I support this cause so I think it’s sweet. Let’s follow that through Finn! The boys inquire what kind of “vitamin” with MJ supplying that Vogue mag says Vitamin C boosts energy levels and brightens the complexion. “Vitamin D” (for dumbass? Douchebag?) Finn replies and throws the box of decongestions to the group. Oh hell, they’re going to be smoking banana leaves by the end of the day.

Glee-Off and HOLY WOW!!!!! THE BOYS IN MATCHING WHITE TEES, JEANS, LEATHER JACKETS AND SNEAKS ARE MUTHERFUCKING MAKING MY PANTIES EXPLODE OFF, USING THEIR VOICES ONLY! IT’S A MIRACLE! They blow that OUT OF THE PARK, or is it hit it out of the park? Whatevs, my name ain’t Soiled Undies for nuthing!

Despite sporting a pair of “bush baby eyes” of his own, Finn sounds amazingly! MJ of course accessorized his outfit with a scarf; Hot Wheels is spinning his wheels as if he’s in a car show, the Asian kid who also plays football does some awesome Michael Jackson gravity defying moonwalk moves. Awesome!

Step aside Acafellas! Oh wait, they are already defunct. Anyhoo, here’s your damn boy band!

Wow, I just played that five times in a row and not just for the recap and screengrabs but they have a genuine fangirl here who is very willing to be put on some meathead’s shoulders and lift her tee up for a breastices flash at their first concert.
Wow, that was intense. I need a green tea with honey now.

Rach is pretty stunned as Mr. Schue congratulates the boys and warns the girls to bring it or else they’ll have an opening number for Sectionals. The boys go ape shit.

Hot Tub Skank is at her locker when Rach ambushes her. Being bogged down with child i.e. too fat to run away, she stays and banters with Rach. Rach observes she hasn’t been at Glee practice lately and HT Skank bitches back that she has a lot of things going on, she’s not Superwoman what with Cheerios, Honour Roll, friends – unlike Rach, Glee is not her whole life. Rach honey that was a dig. Piss off.

Rach tells HT Skank that she doesn’t have to be embarrassed; no one at Glee is going to judge her. Rach knows that everyone expects the two of them to be in competition but Rach doesn’t hate HTSkank. HTS asks why not? She’s been awful to Rach but Rach notes that was before Barbie knew what is was like to be her, an outsider. More people are going to find out about Skank’s delicate condition and she’s going to need friends who can relate like Rach. Skank asks how she can relate and Rach points out that people whisper about her in the lunch rooms and draw pornographic pics of her on the bathroom walls. Skank owns up to the latter and if I were Rach I would’ve starting yelling right there in the hallway that the perfect cheerleading Barbie, President of the celibacy club, is the slut of the century and sperminated to prove it!

Rach refrains from what would be my tirade and she reasons with Skank that she needs Glee and in a couple of months that cheerleading uniform isn’t going to fit and she’ll need the Glee geeks misshaped, uncool shoulders to cry on. She urges Skank to come back to practice. They need her voice. She’s actually a good singer despite being occasionally sharp but only because she doesn’t have Rach’s years of professional training. Skank humbly admits that she would’ve tortured Rach if their roles were reversed and Rach acknowledges this. As she walks away she kinds of lifts her head, in my mind superiorly, while inspirational piano keys play in the background and – I’m annoyed. Where’s a slushie to throw in the bitch’s face?!

What is this fuckery writers? Making the characters friendly? Where’s the conflict then?! Oh right, later down the road Skank will see that Finn is actually attracted to La Toya Jackson (that’s is totally unkind and inaccurate but let’s go with it for a second) and using her super human strength that the baby will fill her with, she will try to bash Rach’s noggin in and there will be blood! All at the baby shower that La Toya throws for the bitch. Yay future pay-off.

Pooch calls Howard aka Lewis, her assistant at Sheets ‘n Things and instructs him to pick up a few boxes of drugs – in the range of – oh let’s say 36, for the kiddies.

Coach Tubs enters her office and wishes to “talk frank”. He voices his suspicions (which is by now fact) that Martha and Will have carnal lust in their hearts for each other. Poodle wonders exasperatedly how long this has been going on. Tubs thinks months as he always sees them together all the time; laughing, talking – all the things Martha doesn’t do with him. Poodle mentions that she observed that Martha couldn’t take her eyes off Will at the “Acafella clown shows”. It takes Tubs a beat to realize she insulted him too.

The two scheme what to do to stop the potential affair. Poodle’s not built to work five days a week you see. Any suggestion Tubs? He thinks if they were to see each other on the side it would cancel out Will and Martha’s infidelity. Poodle blinks and changes the subject asking if Tubs and Martha are still having sex. If that stops it means there’s trouble.
Tubs confesses that they haven’t had sex yet, Martha doesn’t like to be touched – by him. But I’m thinking the bush baby eyed ginger pigmy still has her cherry intact.
Coach Tubs collapses into tears proclaiming his love for Martha and Poodles tries not to touch him but eventually and gingerly rubs his back. Tubs doesn’t know who to feel sorrier for, not-pregnant Poodle or him with psoriasis and an undescended testicle. Ewww…TMI! Go borrow one from Sue; I know she at least has some balls!

Poodle has had enough of Tub’s whining and bitchslaps the rest of the tears out of his eyes. She instructs him to purchase a ring for Martha and propose to the “doe-eyed harlot”. Tubs is against the idea afraid of rejection but Poodle hands him some of her magic pills and sends him on his quest.

Rach is busy berating the Glee tramps bitching that she offered to arrange, choreograph the number free of charge but they underestimated the boys and their number will go to Sectionals, humiliating Rach. Mo’ questions how the boys could’ve gotten that good, enter MJ to rat them out. Though he was grouped with the boys his allegiance lies with the hussies. MJ explains, “They declined my offer to do their hair in cornrows, and all my artistic decisions have been derided as too costly because they involve several varieties of exotic bird feathers.” He adds the tidbit that the guys were drugged up.

A still flying high Finn struts the hall and smacks into Rach. She angrily confronts him about the “cheating” revealing that MJ enlightened her. Um, ever heard of never revealing your source Rach. I guess she’s not studying journalism but that was still crappy. Then again, MJ never should’ve betrayed his brothers, he really is a woman, that’s why there is no sisterhood. Them bitches are too catty to be trusted!

Rach yells that she is going to call Finn, F-Rod and Finn argues that he would never take steroids as they “make your junk fall off”. Who’s dating A-Rod now? Kate Hudson? Can someone please get in touch with K Slut so we can get confirmation? Thanks.

Finn tries to defend himself telling her she doesn’t know what kind of pressure he’s under. Rach is not buying that shiz she chooses to naturally deal with pressures, with a rigorous diet and exercise routine. She recounts her daily routine. She’s up at 6 AM everyday. After a protein shake of banana and flaxseed oil, by 6:10 she’s on the elliptical in matching polka dot headband and leggings. She motivates herself by setting a goal and not resting until she achieves it. We see a “Paint” pic of a Grammy with Rach’s name on it as she burns up on the elliptical.

Finn argues that that’s personal pressure, no one will be pissed at her but if he loses! He’s the quarterback, the male lead, dealing with a preggers GF. He admits that he cheated but he’s tired of working so hard and losing. Rach spewing that winning by cheating is not winning and Finn snaps back that she is so pissed off because she and the girls won’t be as good as the boys. They are going to win and the girls are going to lose, Rach should just deal with it. Rach looks worried.

Cut to Poodle’s office and the Glee girls stand in a line while Poodle hands out magic pills. She harasses Lewis to hurry up as they have patients waiting. LOL, me thinkst she really believes she is a nurse! Everyone with the exception of Hot Tub Skank gets service (she gets folic acid instead). Rach asks if they should be doing this and Pooch again tells them that it’s over the counter and it’s safe. She’s a nurse! The girls down it.

Staff room and Coach Tubs is a shredding monster. Will questions his behavior and Pooch remarks on his glowing complexion telling Will she put him on a new vitamin regime. Will questions this and Poodle lashes out that he shouldn’t criticize her work especially considering she’s just getting her sea legs. Martha enters and Poodle jealously scoots closer to Will. Pooch reminiscences how nice it is to be spending a weekday lunch with her hubby and Will grunts in reply. Will gets mustard on his upper lip, God he’s got bad table manners! Poodle goes to lick it off and Will freaks out. Spending every second together is not good for their marriage. They have nothing to discuss anymore. We flash to a quiet dining room table at the Schue home and a painfully forced conversation about ants. Thankfully it’s short. Back to the staff room and Will rises up. Where’s he going Poodle hysterically inquires. Bathroom. She offers to come with him and he queens out again. He loves her but he needs his space.

Martha has observed all this and offers Poodle a sneaky look of reproach. Bitch. Take her down Poodle! Go for the throat! Pooch however spots Tubs and eggs him on to propose.
Tubs drops to one knee and declares despite the flaws in their relationship, she won’t ride in his car, he’s not allowed to touch her above the wrist, she cried for an hour once when his elbow accidently brushed her breast…still he loves her. *GAG* He pulls a ring box from his fanny pack and makes his declaration of love.

“Emma Pillsbury Martha, this is not an engagement ring.” Martha signs in relief but Tubs immediately clarifies that it is an engagement ring and also a promise. He knows she has an issue with germs and wants cleanliness and while he can’t promise to pick up his underwear or squeegee the shower door he can promise to “keep your life clean of sadness, and loneliness, and any other dark clouds that might float into it.” Awwwwwww…how sweet.

The ring is cubic zirconia as he knows how she was affected by Blood Diamonds. He also may have factored in how affected his bank account would be if he had plunked out for an actual diamond. He officially pops the question. Still sweet.

Finally the girls perform. Rach vomits out a speech that is faster than I can type and I hear BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, “sunshine, optimism and angels.” Which every Rach rant can be boiled down to.
The bitches are all wearing yellow but UN-identical outfits and immediate points off from me. Also headbands. Blair Waldorf is the only terror to pull those off so don’t even try you tranny hos!

Wow….they really…suck. It’s lackluster and boring. “Halo” sucks anyway. But since they already used “Single Ladies” there wasn’t much choice I guess. “Sweet Dreams” would’ve been better, that music vid is strange but it rocks. Better yet, how about Nelly Furtado’s “Maneater” paired with Lady Gaga’s “Pokerface”. There’s a mutherfucking mash up for ya!

I think it was song choice rather than lack of talent but the girls sucked. I hated their outfits and their choreographing was wildly tossing their hair which looked greasy btw. Not impressed. Also, most importantly they don’t have dicks which automatically disqualifies them to me. Like I said, there’s no sisterhood as far as I’m concerned. Dicks before chicks!

Urgh. I hate how Will over-reacts when congratulating them. High fives? Really. This is a bit of overacting on the actor’s part but I guess it suits the character. I just wish Will would come out of the closet already. He gushes like the gayest of gays!
Will and Martha walk off under the guise of having to discuss the winner but Will wants to confirm the rumour, if it’s true that Tubs proposed to her. Martha confirms and Will asks what she’s going to do. Martha replies that she doesn’t know and asks if he knows of any other options she might have. Homewrecking hussy! (Hussy is officially my new fave word Gasmii. Sorry for the overuse! Get use to it.) It’s not a reason to get married Will offers but that’s not what Martha was asking. Poodle sees this exchange from afar and she scowls to high heaven.

Martha stares out her office window as Pooch marches in. She just wants to cut to the chase and clear the air. Martha thinks Poodle is here for a civilized discussion and she is. If by civilized you think not strangling the other person. I wouldn’t totes supported Pooch if she had gone that way, would’ve defended her and all. My uncle is a lawyer therefore I must have a strain of talent in me. I would’ve argued a crime of passion cause by temporary insanity driven by her hormones and the demon baby she’s not-carrying. Sound plausible to you Gasmii? I charge $80 an hour plus travel and accommodation expense if anyone’s interested. Also I need free wifi and cable in my room. Thanks.

Poodle challenges that though Martha might think there’s some kind of competition between them, it’s would be like a nail trying to compete with a hammer. Martha stutters out that Will is a good man, kind and generous and he deserves better than Pooch. Meow! Poodle slams back calmly as if she’s speaking to a child (very understandable here) that Will is her husband. No comeback for Martha! Burn bitch! Poodle goes on to belittle Martha (how I love it) shaming her questioning; “You’re just an innocent little dove, hmm? You’re so innocent that you would steal a man away from his pregnant wife.” and she rubs her belly! *Shaking my head*

Poodle advises Martha to do herself a favour and marry Coach Tubs. Sure he’s dumb like sand and his fondue pot of nationalities are going to open their kids up to a host of genetic diseases but she points out that he’s kind and he’s generous and “available.” OH SNAP!

Hot Tub Skank runs into Poodle in the hallway and needs to have a chat. About the still baking loaf of bread in her oven. Poodle asks if everything is okay and frets if she’s having it right now. Skank spits out a negative and asks if she’s not suppose to be a nurse. Anyhoo, Skank thought about Poodles’ offer. With all the great things in her life, cheerleading and Glee Club which she actually enjoys, Skank feels that she can’t raise a baby. Poodle actually sympathizes a bit, admitting she didn’t have it as bad in her heyday, there weren’t as many TV channels back then though. Poodle checks if Finn is okay with the deal as she doesn’t want any “Baby Daddy Drama when you hand it over to me” Someone’s been watching Wendy Williams!

Finn is the reason Hot Tub Skank is giving up the kid. He’s such a good guy who internalizes all his pressure and he’s going to have a heart attack. Since when did the selfish Queen Bee become so perceptive and caring?! Skank doesn’t want Schuie to find out either…Wha? M’kay. People are going to be wondering what happened to the baby bump Skank. Abracadabra isn’t going to cut it. Then again, most of the folks are as dumb as rocks so you might pull it off!

Another thing, Skank is grateful for the vitamins Poodle supplied for the baby, no not the magic pills, the vitamins back in epi 4. She told Skank to take ‘em three times a day or the baby would be fug. Anyhoo, Skank points out that she’s going to have lots of doctor’s bills and is going to need new maternity clothes. Poodle is aghast that Skank wants dinero from her and Skank points out it’s going to be Pooch’s baby. Tight-fist miser Poodles spits out that she’ll be paying the bills for eighteen years and she thinks Skank can handle nine months. Ouch. I smell a possible deal breaker Pooch! Don’t be such a cheap ass and cough up! Or at least let her borrow your maternity clothes and schedule appoints with your doc. It’s not as if you need either anyway. Poodle reassures Skank she’s doing the right thing and she walks off leaving Skank looking dejected.
So we’re going through with this mess? Alas then. Hot Tub Skank Barbie is no more. R.I.P. Skank and thus, Juno is born!

Martha braces herself and enters the boys’ locker room where Tubs is cleaning up. She can’t stay long because of the germs and odour but she has a question. What would marriage entail exactly? She wants to keep her last name, continue living in different parts of town and she doesn’t think it would be such a good idea to see each other after school. She doesn’t want a big wedding in a church, with people. They wouldn’t have to invite or even tell anybody it would be “more like a secret, like a secret marriage.” That’s a good deal for you Tubs! In fact I would take it one step further and even pack the crazy off and ship her to another continent. But like a man with a undescended testicle Tubs agrees to Martha’s demands saying it’s better than he hoped for. Martha acknowledges he is a really good man. She doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life and knows he doesn’t want to either. So the answer is????

Rach walks into Finn who greets her with a “What’s up A – Rach”. Nice one dumbass. He praises the girls’ mash up and calls her out on her B.S. Rach tries to defend herself at first saying it wasn’t cheating as they were simply evening out the playing field but she quickly owns up that she feels terrible. If they win it wouldn’t be satisfying. Finn feels the same way admitting he doesn’t even remember performing. They agree to withdraw both teams from the competition. Rach apologizes for calling Finn “contemptible and deplorable”. S’okay he has no idea what they meant anyhoo.
Rach rectifies that she gets caught up in the competitive hysteria too. Her goals are too selfish. She should stop competing against everyone and start competing with them. Wow, learning some maturity there Rach? Growing up sucks doesn’t it. Nice character development there writers *polite applause*

Principal Abdul’s office and Pooch and Will are facing the wrath. Will blows up at Pooch’s poor judgment and she once again regurgitates her “over the counter FDA approved” dribble. Besides if she hadn’t given it to them the kiddies would’ve found a way to get their dirty paws on it by themselves.
Will comments to the contrary saying they are good kids, nothing bad happened Pooch declares. Except that Lewis got arrested.

Poor Lewis gets tackled by four gorillas in policemen suits in a local drug store. Pseudoephedrine is used to make crystal meth, Abdul educates us. Lewis got arrested on suspicion of running a candy shop. In her defense, Poodle never told Lewis to get all the drugs in one place.

Will bursts out asking Poodle how they can raise a baby when he can’t even trust her to look after a bunch of teens? She is oblivious to consequences. She sadly offers that she was only trying to help and he yells “Don’t” Everytime he lights a fire in his life she manages to find a way to burn the forest down. What?! When?! Don’t talk to your not-pregnant wife that way Asshole! She is not- in a very delicate condition and might not-miscarry! Men are such insensitive bastards!

Abdul asks Pooch to resign and she agrees, stating she was working too hard anyway. The not-happily married couple get up to leave and Abdul stops Schue. Abdul questions Schue’s judgment and despite the fact he didn’t know he’s obsession with winning and competition has fostered an unsafe environment for the kids. Abdul is bringing someone else aboard to co-chair the Glee Club. Someone with a record of responsibility and excellence. Oh no! Martha. Great going there Pooch, your plan backfired spectacularly!

Back at Glee Club, the kids apologize to Will. Rach of course is the spokesperson. Will expresses his disappointment in them. Glee is supposed to be about what’s inside their heart not what’s coursing through their veins. Disappointment is the most powerful word to me Gasmii. I hate to hear or even think it. This time it’s serious and though Rach wants to put the episode behind them and move on, there are consequences.
Will informs them that it’s been decided he is no longer fit to run Glee Club by himself and they’ve assigned a co-director.

HOLY SHIT! IT’S SUE!!!!!!
Never in a million years did I see that one coming! Wow! I was sure it would be Martha but this is a GAZILLION TIMES BETTER! WOW! OMG! TOTAL SHOCK.
YES! YES! MUTHER-EFFING YES!

Sue comes in with a chuckle and some pleasant words. The kids jump for joy and welcome Sue-coug with open arms.

Then lasers shoot out from Sue-coug’s eyes and she incinerates their young, supple bodies. It’s a roast tonight! BYOS! Bring your own side (dish)!

Will exits the room and of course Martha is there. She breaks her news about the engagement to Will and he answers that it’s great. Martha walks away and Will tries to muster up some words to call out after her but then he sees her outfit. Those awful faux pearls, the plastic yellow ones from the pilot epi are back and she’s paired then with a same yellow skinny belt over tangerine pencil skirt. Barf now or later?!
They stare at each other across the hallway and thankfully break the eye lock and depart. Hasta la vista baby!

Rach sits in her room wearing a flashdance off the shoulder sweater and headband. Didn’t I say B. Waldorf from GG is the only one who can pull those off! Stoopid bitch. Rach holds a box of magic pills in her hands and I guess she considers using them. But they go into the trash fairly quickly and she hits play on the music, jumps on the elliptical and smiles determinedly at the new poster sign on the wall reading “Sectionals”.

Wow. Really great epi. Good writing, very sharp and witty dialogue. Solid plot advancement.
Next week looks ever more delish with Sue-cougar at the helm! Can’t wait!

I also wanted to take a moment to address a comment on the last post. Firstly, thank you to all the people who take the time to read the recaps and comment (also to the lurkers who read and don’t comment I know registering is a bit of a pain ;-D) I read all the comments and appreciate them even if I don’t respond. I do plan to get to that sometime in the future but please understand and this brings me to addressing a specific comment;
I am a film student in New York City. I work 13 hour shifts, 4 – 5 days a week plus I attend classes for 6 hrs a day 4 days a week. I only get 3 hours of sleep a day during the week – if I’m lucky. I’m not complaining and I am so happy and excited to be apart of the TVGasm family and am happy to entertain and produce these recaps for you!

A lot of changes have happened in my life recently and I’m still adjusting. I know how frustrating it is to get these recaps so late and I promise to do a better job on cranking them out in the future. Wow, I so proud of myself for refraining from bitching on the individual that commented most unfavourably on my post *coughhisroyalhighnessyou bastardwhatkindofdragqueennameisthatanyway?!cough*

LOL, thanks to the positive, informative comments! LOVE YOU ALL! MWAH!

P.S. I don’t wanna hear any shit from any Christian groups/ organizations – nobody! I’m Catholic and attend Mass twice a year so I’m golden! M’kay!