We all saw the previews. Marc Jacobs performs Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” and I know people were getting really excited for this but Joe Jonas already covered this shiz. That was cute but this is months later and I am not impressed. Instead of putting a ring on it, let’s put a lid on it. Thanks.
Oh Hayell No! he is not trying to steal your spotlight!
P.S. I still want yank those bangs off that bitch Heather. Yeah I’m cranky, can we get some mutherfucking chocolate up in here?!
So MJ does “Single Ladies” with Hardcore Asian Lez aka HAL and Heather Bangs bitch (and the bangs have a fucking Farah Fawcett twist too! Mutherfucking whore!) as accompanying/ backup dancers. Boring! The song gets cut short as Daddy MJ walks in. He’s wearing a baseball cap and plaid shirt over a tee. Safe to assume he’s a redneck. MJ asks what Daddy is doing home. “Deadliest Catch is on”. Called that Redneck! To be fair though, that program really seems cool or at least the giant billboards in Manhattan promoting the show make it seem so.
Daddy Redneck wants to know what the hell they are doing and what the hell is his pride and joy wearing? A unitard. Guys wear them to work out these days didn’t you know? The latest Fashion trend.
Oh btw, at Mercedes Benz Fashion Week this fall, I saw all the gays wearing really cute, tailored but masculine clothes paired with ultra femme stiletto heels! I’m talking 5 – 8 inches there! Your Girlfriend, Soiled Undies can barely manage 2 Â¾ inched heels without feeling the hurt! That’s why gays should be worshipped and adored. They are beyond superior to women and so damn FIERCE! (P.S. That Asian guy SJP interviewed to be her PA on the SATC movie was totes the trendsetter! Just paying homage!)
Ya damn right Boo boo!
So MJ is wearing unitard which all the athletes wear to work out as they absorb sweat. Funny how Daddy doesn’t question the sequenced cropped waistcoat and tie.
No I don’t know that MJ wore heels but anyhoo…Joe Jonas work them bitches first! Support! Though I have to confess I think Nick is the cuter brother…
HAL stutters out “Football (did I mention she has a speech impediment?). Heather takes the word and runs with it announcing that MJ is on the Football team, as a kicker. She realizes her word vomit mishap and tries to rectify explaining that the kicker is the smallest guy on the field. I didn’t know that little fact…bitch is probably right. Chances are she’s banged most of the football team ’cause everyone knows blond cheerleaders are sluts. (I’ll elaborate on that theory later).
Despite the squinty eye Daddy Redneck seems to be accepting the shit-take mushrooms story and questions If HAL or Heather BItchface Bangs is MJ’s GF. AHAHAHAHAAA…oh…he’s not making a funny, he actually wants to know.
MJ grabs HAL by the tush making her the anointed one (Ohhh Girl! Mo’Nique is so gonna beat your ass down!) but says he is not ready to be exclusive just yet. LOL. Papa Redneck gives HAL a cursory lookdown. Meh. As Papa leaves he asks MJ to get him a ticket to his first game. Uh oh!
Will and the Pooch are having sex! I did not need to see this! My eyes are vomiting BLOOD right now! Yes my eyes are VOMITING!
“No Hun, this is an “O” face”
“Yours is an “I’m pooping” face. Not sexy!”
From the sofa comes the voice of Poodle’s sister Cockaspaniel who sets down her wine glass on a side table critiquing “No, no. no”. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!
Ohh…wait. Will and Poodle aren’t doing the nasty. They are practicing breathing techniques for labour day – Lamaze. Oooo – kay. I still didn’t need to see that. Poodle’s sis is coaching them from way over there on the sofa with her glass of Pinot or Chardonnay or whatever box white they had on special at Trader Joes (Btw, Trader Joe has this very nice Italian Red, can’t remember the name by it is quite good however it stains your teeth BLACK).
Spaniel is coaching the duo and informing the rest of the world of the realities of kiddie birth. It’s not like in the movies.” It is bloody and bestial and you get poop all over your cowboy boots.” Bitch goes on to berate Will about everything down to his choice of footwear. Poodle is going to be needing tough love during the birth and when Will defensively argues that he can be tough. Spaniel condescendingly bitchslaps him aside and then offers to show him how to relieve Poodle’s gas. By rubbing her tummy. Pooch immediately freaks at the suggestion and despite Spaniel reassuring her that she’ll love it; her whipped husband still does it to her, Poodle worries that Will will bruise the non-baby. Spaniel somehow thinks this is a valid argument and Will is sent off on an important mission of making a BLT for the non-momma to be.
Spaniel wants one too. Hold the tomato though. Okay. And the lettuce. Bitch, why don’t you just ask for a piece of bread and the pan and you can dip the crust in the porker grease and fill up to your heart’s content?!
Poodle is freaking out saying that she can’t do this. Misjudging her panic, Sis reassures her that it’ll be fine. She’ll have an epidural. Spaniel is just laying the bloody and gore on thick so Will will feel guilty and she’ll have him by the balls for life. I actually like this strategy Spaniel. I think all women should adopt this deviousness, I certainly will. Thanks for sharing biatch!
But Poodle isn’t worried about the pains of giving birth; no she’d actually like to have them. Poodle asks Spaniel if she confided a secret would Spaniel keep it and not tell anybody? “Oh my God, Is the baby black?” Spaniel asks in mock disgust(horror fascination/ fascinated horror) i while secretly reveling in the notion.
Poodle lifts her shirt and reveals.
Ewww…someone’s going to need a tummy tuck!
Surprise! It’s a hysterical pregnancy. She can’t tell Will, he has one foot out the door. She starts hysterically freaking out and wants to come clean with Will. Sis stops her by telling her that dishonesty is food for a marriage. Without it, the marriage will die. Thanks again for another grain of wisdom Huney. When I’m sitting across the table from the hubby and his divorce attorney and my own lawyer at my side, arguing over the silverware, I’m sure I’ll remember these words.
The solution is clear to the deranged. They are going to have to get Pooch a baby.
Will is brown bagging it today. Staff room next day and boy is it jammed packed like never before. All the better to put Willie at a table with Coach Tubs and Martha to ensure awkwardness. Martha starts babbling about being a local news junkie and I stop listening as I am trying to get the right ratio of Fluff (Marshmallow in a jar) and Hagen Daaz Baileys ice cream onto my fork and this is a very delicate art and requires my full attention. Martha likens the news to a horror film while Coach Tubs remarks that disasters both freak her out yet fascinate her at the same time plus she can experience them from the safety of her condo. LOL, where did that sharp perception come from Blubber?! Will wonders never cease?
Because I couldn’t resist an opportunity to be a vindictive bitch. *Insert fellacio insult/ joke here.* Thanks.
Anyhoo Martha was watching the local news station last night and guess who has a new segment on the show. It’s Sue-cougar! The segment is called Sue’s corner. YAY!!!!
So what grains of wisdom does Suzie Q have to share with the dimwitted? Corporal punishment should be revived. “Canning works”. To the naysayers who say it is illegal or immoral, Sue – cougar’s retort, “Yes, we cane.” She ends off with holding up her hand in the “c” sign – “and that’s how Sue “c”s it”.
I know it is a sin to defile the face of the goddess we worship but “c” – she was asking for it!
I actually agree with her on this one folks. I was the freaking Golden child but if I was bad beyond the normal I too received a few loving caresses from Mr. Belt and on one occasion had a shoe (flip flop) thrown at my head. Point is, children need discipline and sometimes a spanking is the best kind of discipline. Time outs are all well and good but as a former babysitter when I saw two year old years running the household and slapping Momma in the face – it’s time for that little butt to get a little tough love. I digress.
Will is a bit appalled and surprised that Sue-cougar has a segment questioning “Why?!” Enter biatch who informs him that being local celeb who has been written up twice in “USA Today”, has its perks. She asks Tubby to pull up a chair for her as her hand is sore from signing autographs at the “Donut Hole” *insert anal joke here* She was also considered enough to bring them some “holes” she couldn’t finish. “FYI, the overnight were through the roof” Realizing They have no idea what that means, Sue breaks it down that “overnights” is lingo for overnight ratings which show that they were leading 18 – 49 yr olds, making that local news station the leading newscaster in Western Ohio.
Martha wows sarcastically and Sue-coug calls her “Alma” LOL! (BTW, I’ve never mentioned it but her name is actually Emma, whateves, she’s still a whore.) Sue muses that she wasn’t always in the spotlight but she was destined to break out as she could never be stuck in a high school wrestling with mental illness (Martha) or 40 and single coaching the worst football team in the history of the State (Tubs) or going to the salon every week to have her hair permed (Will) – AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
GOD I LOVE JANE LYNCH! All these lines are delivered in a cocky but still friendly “fuck you with lube” tone. Very subtle and very fine acting! Oscar! Here! Now!
And…Sue-coug will love to stay and chat but she has satellite interview. Lingo for an interview via satellite.
“Alright thumb’s ready! That’s lingo for I’m going to rip you all some new assholes. I mean, rip you all some more new holes.”
Glee Club rehearsal and Schuie hands out the music notes and OF COURSE! Rach has an issue. Could we get Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees up in here please?! You can use my machete to axe the bitch!
Rach argues that she’s been given the wrong key but Will tells her it was no mistake – Hardcore Asian Lez aka HAL is doing the solo. Rach thought she made it clear that anything from West Side Story would go to her. Maria is her part, Natalie Wood was a Jew, Rach has a deep personal connection to the role since age one. Natalie Wood also drown on a boat under suspensions circumstances. Would you like to undergo the same fate – because I’d be happy to arrange it.
Will thinks she’s being a huge CUNT! Well he used the word ‘irrational’ but I took the liberty to translate for you Gasmii, you’re welcome. Rach thinks’ Mr. Schue is being unfair but he thinks Rach is being unfair to HAL who might have been happy to get her first solo. Rach blasts right back that HAL knows how much Rach respects her but she’d agree that she is not ready for such an iconic role. Mo’Nique breaks the tension by snottily asking why she’s a “Jet”. Rachbitch storms out and Hot Wheels remarks that the more times Rach-hag storms out of rehearsal the less impact it has. Good observation there Rollerboy.
Marc Jacobs skips up to Finn to ask him a quesh (it’s lingo for question). Finn thanks him but informs MJ that he already has a date for the prom but he’s flattered since he knows how important school dances are to teen gays. It takes a second for MJ to recover from his dashed dreams of matching lilac tuxes but he quickly pipes that he is not gay. He justs needs a favour.
We’re on the football field? WTF? MJ is going to try out for the team! He doesn’t want to put his helmet on though as it will mess up his head. Finn laughs and helps MJ to put it on remarking that red is his colour. Whoa! Nice eye for colour there Darling! MJ thanks Finn and goes off to get his music. Finn tries to stop him but MJ snaps telling Finn that his body “is like a rum chocolate soufflÃ©, if I don’t warm it up properly, it won’t rise” TMI. MJ is doing this his way or not at all!
Le Mullet hustles up inquiring if Finn and MJ are an item now. Mullet irritably yells that MJ doesn’t belong on the field. Finn points out that Mullet joined “Acafellas” but Mullet counters that he is a stud. He could wear a dress and people would think it cool. Fair point.
Coach Tubs blows the whistle for a meeting. He demotes their current kicker and puts him in charge of “hydration services”. The spot is vacant and Coach Tubs is looking to fill the spot. MJ sashays his way to the front, taps on Coach Tubs shoulder and announces that he is there to audience for the role of kicker.
Whoa! Fierce! Death stare in Flashdance sweater and headband. Work it out!
In slow mo, Will and Finn get into position. Finn holds the ball while MJ brings his portable radio over and warms up to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” complete with step-ball change. The watching players snigger and point at the spectacle but soon their jaws are dropped on the ground as MJ drop kicks that mutherfucker through and pass the uprights. GO FLASHDANCING FOOTBALL FAIRY!
Tubby wants reassurance that MJ will be able to do that “with the game on the line and 10 gorillas bearing down on you wanting nothing more than a taste of your sweet virgin blood”. MJ confirms that it sounds like fun asking if he can have his music. Tubs readily agrees adding that if he kicks like that he can also wear a tutu. Tubby introduces the newest addition to the rest of the team who welcome him enthusiastically, especially Mullet – not!
Sue – coug is busy signing autographs when in comes the postman/ mail man delivery some …well mail. Boy he sure is dressed nice. They have style in Nowhere, backwards hicktown Ohio! Oh wait he’s not the mailman, he the station manager!
He also warms Sue that there might be some hate mail with her delivery due to her pro-littering stance. She brushes it off and there’s an explanation involving tacos and that’s where I lost focus…Mmmmm…tacos!
Station manager hesitates a beat as he also tries to figure it out but then he too shrugs it off and proceeds with the real purpose of his visit. He’s concerned about Sue’s future at the newscast. His daughter attends the school and has been gossiping to Daddy Dearest that a lot of the top cheerleaders have been deflecting to the show choir. He wonders how she can win Nationals when losing all that talent. Her segment is all about being a winner so the station wants her to win Nationals. That’s all! Thanks a bunch biatch! Station Manager Daddy out!
Finn spots Bibletease Barbie in the hallway and calls out to her but she ignores him and tries to run away. He catches up to her asking what’s wrong and she blurts out that she is preggers. Whoa! When did that happen?! Btease goes on to explain and Finn kinda just stares and partially blocks out her blubbering. He still sees her but the audio button goes way down. Kinda like when you are underwater or drowning or something. This is actually awesome because I think this is how guys really react at first to the news. Finn comes back to and tries to figure it out since they never…wha? Oh yes they did Btease reminds him in the hot tub and we get a flashback to clue us in!
Btease and Finn are in a hot tub heavily making out when Finn starts to get “happy”. Btease urges him to think of the “Mail” (read Glee recap numero dos to refresh your memory Gasmii) but Finny boy can’t get there fast enough and it’s Cinco De Mayo!
Wait but…they were wearing swimsuits. Btease, who now has to be renamed Hot Tub Skank Barbie (comes with her own portable hot pink hot tub folks, It changes colour when Barbie and Ken get in and fool around in it! Available in stores never – let’s hope!) – tangent sorry!
Bibletease Hot Tub Skank Barbie explains that hot tubs are the perfect temperature for sperm and help them swim faster. WHAT THE MUTHERFUC – No. No Gasmii. I’m not going to freak out and burst a blood vessel. I’m just going to sit here and LMFAO because this here is some BUL – SHEYIT! Girlfriend is probably not even pregnant! She’s probably just late or has gas! That’s it! Bitch has gas and is bloated and thinks she’s pregnant. God I hate it when girls do that! My BFF has put me through that ordeal twice already! Stupid bitch! Love ya Mandy! Mwah!
Hot Tub Skank Barbie sobs about how she thought she really had a shot of getting out of there. Boo Hoo that’s what happens to skanks! Finn embraces her, thrilled at the prospect of Daddyhood!
Congrats Papi! He’s thrilled really! Really! No, reaallllly!
Oh no! Not this fool again! Sandy. Pianoped. Urghhh! Is he going to be a regular on the show?! Whhhyyyy???!!!!!! Don’t we have enough batshit crazy (Love ya Sue, go to hell Rach!) and gay (hi Willie and MJ) on the show. Really, we need this nutcracker and his collection of 2,500 porcelain dolls. *sigh* He’s showing them off to Sue and WTH is she doing there?! Also, Sandz is wearing a short red Geisha robe. Nice cankles. *BARF!!!!* Sandz asks why Sue stopped by and she smiles that she just came to say hi and maybe plot the destruction of a few young, promising lives…nothing big. As Sue appraises Sandz apartment she observes that the only thing missing is a “couple of dozen bodies lymed and rotting in shallow graves under the floor boards”.
No offense doll but if there are any bodies rotting in shallow graves anywhere, Imma look in your direction first!
Though there’s no lack of crazy to suspect around here!
Sandz too occupied with making tea misses the remark and offers Sue a seat on the casting couch *DOUBLE BARF*. Sue looks around uncomfortably as Sandz babbles about his full schedule with bridge games and cat rescues. Sue impatiently tells him to cut the crap and he immediately breaks down lamenting that he is living in a “cocoon of horror”.
If nothing else, watch the epi for this scene only. BRILLIANT.
Sandy pathetically lets us know that he ate nine cans of aerosol whipped cream the day before but I personally think that’s better than the cat food I was expecting to hear. Sue faux sympathizes. She and Sandz have similar problems. He needs to be back in the Spotlight. Sue is there to offer him the position of Art Administrator which means he will have control over all the art programs including music, art. drama and *demonic voice* Glee Club *end demonic voice*. Sandy sniffs that Principal Abdullah will never allow it but Sue-coug tells him not to worry about Abdul.
Cut to; Sue-coug showing Abdul a risquÃ© and embarrassing vid involving himself and a demonstration with panty hose (watch the show!). Sue threatens him with leaking the vid around the school or better yet – YouTube. AHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!!!!!
No further comment needed.
Sandy’s in. First order of business. Glee club. How to dismantle it? Steal Rachbitch. How to do that? Four words. Liza Minnelli, Celine Dion.
There’s a signup sheet for the new school production of “Cabaret”. Must audition with a Celine Dion song of their choice. Rach sticks that gold star next to her name and we get a powerful, if very American Idol (read cheesy) performance of “What Do You Say”. She’s got the lead.
Will rages in Abdul’s office. Sandy and Sue-coug sit innocently on the side sofa observing the tantrum. Will accuses Sue, saying that she has always been out to get him and she counters that if she was really out to get him, he would be pickling in a Mason jar on her shelf right now – I think I just had an ORGASM!!!!!!!
Will accuses them of stealing his best singer and tries to appeal to Rachbitch who is stretching herself out at the ballet barre. She snippily informs him that an opportunity arose for her to showcase her talents and she took it. That’s all. No different from when Will quit Glee to form his boy band (that Acafellas thing will haunt you forever Will! As it should! The shame!)
Will says he did not do it out of spite and Rach fires back that she is offended and she has always been a team player. She just thinks that Will doesn’t like her very much. Will protests that that is not true. He has always been her biggest and sometimes only fan. Burn! Rach acknowledges that she can sometimes be “abrasive, bossy and conceited” (try all the time!) but she’s hurt that Will judges her on that and not on her talents. She tries the hardest and she wants it the most. Will knows that and reveals that everyone is scared of it. They think they can slack off because she’ll pick up their weight. In order to win Regionals, everyone has to think they’re a star.
Sue echoes that they are just giving everyone the chance to think they’re a star.
Whoa! Smouldering, furious Will is kinda sexy. Blue Steel! Keep up the aggravation Sue!
Sue and Sandz are simply providing opportunities, opening doors, “find your voice, stomp that yard, all that crap”. Will questions Abdul about what Sue has on him and Sandz has had enough. He tried to play nice but Will is determined to be adversaries. So be it. Sandy folds his sweater across his chest to emphasize his point. Very manly. Not gay at all.
Rach is not quitting Glee, just looking for a reason to stay. Hint, take away the solo from HAL and give it to Rach. Rach launches into a sob story about everyone getting something out of being in Glee except Rach. Will’s doing a great job of getting everybody else out of their shells but Rach is still getting her lipstick flushed down the toilet and she still doesn’t have a boyfriend and she goes on to say something else but my eyes blur and I’m bored and have no empathy for this character. Please get off my screen. Will tiredly echoes my sentiments when all he asks is that she just comes to rehearsal. Rach is so draining!
Auditorium. HAL singing “Tonight” from West Side Story. She’s okay but nothing earth shattering and that last note! Nooooo Huney Chile, Noooo!!!!!!!! Will tries to pep talk her but to her credit Girlfriend is not gullible and will not swallow any praise like Rach would. HAL advises him to give the song to Rach, because she’s better and she’ll quit if he doesn’t. HAL will just take one for the team. This is called “unselfishness” where is Rach, she should be around to witness this act which she has no concept of.
Exit HAL, enter Finn who starts sobbing like a like bitch boy on Willie’s shoulder.
We’re in a cafeteria or food court or something because food is comfort to the soul in times of distress. Will inquires how far along Hot Tub Skank Barbie is. What? Are we still on that story. Get the girl some gas relief meds is all! Finn thinks a few weeks but he is not sure. Another fictional baby?! One writer in the show must have a Mommy complex and it might not be a woman either.
Finn has seen the guys who have rugrats in HS and they are trapped. He doesn’t want to be one of those guys. He wants to go to College…he needs a football scholarship. Will points out that he is not a football coach but Finn reminds him about how he helped Mullet and himself loosen up and relax with the Acafellas. That baseball metaphor that I skimmed over last week has become a plot point. How…nice.
The Football team’s problem is that they need to relax. Finn shows Schuie a book he borrowed from the library. Did Schuie know that you can borrow books from there? The book is a biography on Walter Payton, a footballer who was also a great dancer who jived on Soultrain and took ballet (Holla! Your girl was a ballet for 10 years Gasmii) Walter also made the rest of his team take dance class the year they won the Superbowl.
Will isn’t excited about the idea of teaching the Football team any smooth moves but Finn convinces him telling him if Will can help guys win one game that’ll earn their trust and they might join the Glee Club and Glee is desperately short of some testosterone at the moment. Will looks over at a father and son pair and back at Finn. Sad but heartfelt music. Will’s going to agree of course because he’s a
pussy and a pushover nice guy.
You know what I was thinking? How nice this epi was because of the lack of Poodle and up she pops! Over the brushing of teeth, Will confides in Pooch about the Finn/ Quinn pregnancy. He is so sad that someone has to hide a secret of this magnitude, all that effort, covering it up. All Pooch wants to know is Hot Tub Skank Barbie’s name, address, phone #, email and social security number. P.S. She’s also the President of the Celibacy club. Poodle hit the jackpot!
Football team locker room and Mullet is throwing a hissy fit. What does Beyonce have to do with football?! If Beowulf was a skank I could’ve made a joke on her expense, too bad it’s not Britney. I have a load of material on that former trainwreck!
Finn points out that MJ is the only one scoring on the field and Mullet still can’t understand why they are taking coaching advice from Lance Bass. Will points out that athletes were also performers like Jim Brown, Dick Butkus…Finn adds “OJ”. LOL. Will thinks the team isn’t losing because they don’t have talent it’s because they don’t have the right ‘tude. Mullet begs Tubs to step in but Coachy is willing to give it a try as he thinks they gave up their pride when they lost to the deaf school.
MJ interjects with some philosophy about the element of surprise and states they would all be caught off guard if the rival team started busting a move on the field. Tubs blows the whistle signifying end of chat and off to the show choir room the jocks go.
Will is talking them through a routine and they’re doing okay but the hips are still tight. MJ interrupts and Will hands the reigns to him. He goes through a “hair comb” move and “slap the butt”. Coach Tubby can’t take it anymore and sends the team to the showers. MJ swishes over to the Coach and lisps that he doesn’t mean to interject but thinks they should end with a show circle. *Crickets* from Coach Tubs.
As Finn and Le Mullet exit, Mullet questions Finny boy about his sad horns face. Finn refuses to spill until Mullet reverse psyches him with accusing him of being in love with MJ. Finn spews his guts out about how Hot Tub Skank is sperminated and planning to keep the kid. Mullet reaches with shock to the news…What the hell is going on here?!
I’m about to get my answer Praise the Lawd! Hot Tub Skank waltzes dreamlike through the school hallway and straight into Mullet who greets her with a “What’s up MILF?!” Who’s the daddy he questions. She told him she was a virgin when she did it with him and he knows she di— WHAT?! WHO THE, HOW THE WHAT THE??!!!!!!! SHE SLEPT WITH MULLET?! WHEN??!!! WHERE? HOW BIG IS HE?! NICE! He’s fucking HAWT! Score Slut! OH wait. You really are knocked up then aren’t ya? Sucks to be you!
Back to the dialogue and Mullet says he knows she didn’t bang Finn coz Finn is his boy and he would’ve told. Hot Tub Skank questions if he makes a habit of sleeping with his boy’s girlfriends. Mullet starts a scene “Call the Vatican ’cause we got ourselves another immaculate conception” why is he getting so many good lines? Oh yeah, the writers are fucking funny! Everybody’s got great lines on this show!
Hot Tub Skank pulls him to the side. Mullet argues that his own dad may be a dead beat but he doesn’t roll like that. He’ll take care of her and the munchkin. HT Skank reminds him that he was fired for peeing in a fry-o – lator. He in turns brings up his pool cleaning biz and tells her he is going somewhere. HT Skank then reveals the truth. He got her drunk on wine coolers and she felt fat that day and Viola! Spreading of the legs! I really hate it when skinny whores say shit like they feel fat. Puh-lease! You bitches know you look good so stop rubbing it in the rest of the populace’s faces. (Note how I excluded myself from the populace She calls Mullet a lima loser (as in lima beans?) and says he will always be one…Awwww…poor asshole jock.
He’s so hurt his face is melting, just like his heart on the inside. Wah!
HT Skank is blond and pretty and has a cute figure that will now be ruined for life! HA! That’s what you get for being a bitch!
She runs off in the rain, crying and gets into her car. Bitch has a car too?! I hope she has goddamn triplets!
Who’s waiting for her in the car like a crazy, baby craving praying mantis – Poodle of course. She questions how far along HT Skank is and conducts a conversation by herself, answering that HT must be about 5 – 6 weeks and has she told her parents? Probably not because daddy bought her the wheels for the Chastity Ball. Poodle tells her that she can’t raise the baby. HT recovers and asks politely “I’m sorry but who are you?” I wouldn’t yelled and thrown my binder in Pooch’s face before hightailing it out of there myself screaming at the top of my lungs! But HT opts for reserve and refuses Poodle’s offer of help. Poodle then asks about the prenatal vitamins HT is taking and – she’s not taking any. Poodle magically whips them out of her bag and tells Skank to take them three times a day or her baby will be ugly. Skank questions what Pooch wants. Like DUH! But we’ll probably get the flashback in another epi.
Game time! The night has arrived. Martha cleans a her spot on the bench with a disinfecting wipe and I realize that I’ve enjoyed this episode so much because of the lack of Will’s two hoochies. Please keep them out for next week as well! Thanks. Will of course sits next to Martha because alleged straight men are all cheating assholes who send out mixed signals. The supporters do a Mexican wave and I’m surprised. That’s nice that they embrace other cultures.
On the field, Finn tries to pep talk the guys but they quickly go against the dancing idea afraid of being ridiculed. Finn crumbles under the pressure and they go back to the old game plan. Losing.
A member of the rival team, let’s call him Moose, starts slinging shit talk. They run a play and Finn and co. get pummeled. And again. Aaannnd again. MJ’s Daddy Redneck shows up and he’s greeted with a can-can dance from his son. The football team continues to get creamed. With his heart drumming in his ears and looking over at his knocked up cheerleading ho girlfriend, MJ, Coach Tubs, Willie – Finn calls a time out with a second left on the clock. He argues with Mullet that they have to dance but Mullet rages back that they will be jokes for the rest of their High School careers. Finn yells that they are already jokes and he doesn’t want to be a lima (is it lima, Gasmii?!) loser for the rest of his life. This strikes a nerve with Mullet as he looks over at HT Skank.
Moose calls out another fat joke about their moms and Mullet snaps. He deadpans to Moosie that he had sex with his mom. “No, seriously, I cleaned your pool and then had sex with her in your bed: nice star wars sheets.” I now worship the Mullet. All bow down and give praises at his nipple pierced temple!
Mullet agrees to “putting a ring on it” and here we go! Wasn’t there only a second left of the clock?! They do a whole damn versus of “Single Ladies” – and the chorus too! It is pretty damn awesome watching them bootylicious that shiz. They do a pose and these divas –
Apparently MJ is not the only member of the team that thought Lance Bass was the best N’Syncer!
Finn throws the ball to Mullet who catches and scores! YAY!!!! Celebrate good times come on!!!! The stadium erupts! Will and Martha embrace and then thankfully let go of each other.
Game’s not over as they are tie. In comes MJ for the kick and Tubs stresses how important this moment is. If he makes this, they win; if he makes it he dies a legend.
Out he goes! Not of the closet but out into the field. It’s great expectations and the supporters hold their breath and Daddy Redneck shakes his head to himself at how diminutive his
daughter son is. MJ indicates they put the Diva Beowulf on and he does an abbreviated version of his dance and! Oh he’s so NOT going to make it! He’s not going to make it, I feel so bad, he not going to – AND HE DOES IT!!!! OMG!!!!! HE TOTES DOES IT!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! WOW!!!!!!
The Wildcats win! (Wait, what is the name of the team?!) We’ll go with Wildcats for now! YAY!!!! HT Skank and Finn kiss while Mullet looks on. The rest of the team lift MJ up and he blows his admirers kisses.
Back at home, Daddy Redneck walks in on his baby boi doing his important nighttime skincare post game ritual. M’kay! Daddy Redneck is actually smiling and glowing, if lobsters could glow, telling MJ how proud he is and how he wishes his dead wife, MJ’s mom could have been there. MJ filled with confidence finally admits to his father that he is gay. He is so getting tossed out to the curb! Poor kid! But then Daddy Redneck surprises me. He knows. He’s known since MJ was three and all he wanted for his birthday was a pair of sensible heels. Daddy is not in love with the idea but if that’s who his son is, he loves him just as much! Awwwwww!!! Big hug! As Daddy leaves though he can’t help but question if MJ is sure. MJ replies in the affirmative. Meh, touching moment still valid.
HT Skank is at her locker. Finn comes up and shows her some ratty assed tattered blankey. It was his when he was a tater tot. His dad got it for him the day he was born, the only thing he has to remember him by. Awwwww, he wants their illegitimate child to have it. They embrace. Mullet comes up to ruin the moment telling them he has been getting sick in the morning. He remarks on HT’s weight advising her to cut down on the carbs or they won’t be able to hoist her to the top of the pyramid. Finn tells him not to talk to his baby momma like dat and Mullet insincerely apologizes. Skank is rattled though.
Sue’s corner again. People ask her what’s her secret. She’s about to divulge it.
Will welcome three new football players to Glee Club including Mullet.
Sue shares that she is not afraid to shake things up.
Will wants to start things off by singing from West Side Story and Rach nods her head ready to rush forward. Will calls upon HAL instead and Rach stares disbelieving.
Sue is tired of hearing people complained. Doesn’t matter if they are disease ridden or been in a Tsunami. She advises people to shake it up and get out of their box, even if the box is where they are living.
Rach marches up to inform Sandy she is his exclusively as she has quit Glee Club. Please! I give it til next epi before the attention whore is back.
Sue will often yell at homeless people and ask “‘Hey how’s that homelessness working out for you?’ Give not being homeless a try, huh?”
(I’M ROLLING! ROTFLMFAO! )
I’m just going to transcribe the next part because recapping can not do it justice!
“You know something Ohio? It’s not easy to break out of your comfort zone, people will tear you down, tell you, you shouldn’t have bothered in the first place. But let me tell you something, there is not much of difference between a stadium of cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They’re both just making a lot of noise. How you take it is up to you.”
Rach practices her song in a new key, MJ continues his post game face cleanse ritual, Will is watching Sue on TV while Pooch sleeps.
I’d actually give this episode an “A” but you’re the one on TV.
“Convince yourself they’re cheering for you. You do that, and someday they will.”
Oh. We end with Quinn standing sadly at her locker with troubled music stringing in the background.
Well that was a bit depressing. Let’s just strike that out and end on Sue.
YAY! Amazing epi! Thanks for returning to form Glee!
In the interest of fairness I’ll post MJ’s attempt at “Single Ladies’ music vid and as you can see J. Jonas did it better! With heels!