GLEE: Show Me the Romance! Or let’s just skip to the sexually provocative imagery.

And…Will drives up in his tin can car and the radiator (? Exhaust pipe? Engine?!) is dragging on the ground. I’m no car person so I have no idea what the hell it is and I only bring this up because this is how he made his entrance last episode, driving in with that piece of car dragging on the street. But this time he has a new license plate that reads “GLEE”. You can afford a new license plate for the sake of vanity but you can’t afford to fix your car which might blow up any second?! Idiot. Did I mention my period is next week? It’s going to be a bitchy one folks, hold on tight.

Just in case you forget what show you’re watching

Nice but wrong finger kids.

“Five, four , three…and…”

“Showtime! Ha Ha I just made a joke cause he’s in Show Choir and… Get it?! I’m so funny!”

Where’s your hand going whore?! I know which “periwinkle” you really want to accidentally bump into.

“Oh these whippersnappers of today make me feel young again. When I grind his bones to make a mineral mask for my mug I’ll feel even more revitalized.”

uno

dos

God that Saturday Night Fever is such a classic! It ruins every generation.

Jumping

for joy.

Wrong Justin Timberlake. Plain wrong.

Speaking of wrong, doesn’t this quality as

Inappropriate touching?

No. Just no. and Pleaaaaasse!!!!! Hell no!

This picture is testing MY gag reflex.

No captions necessary

Very comforting I’m sure. I’m glad to see that Martha’s disinfecting her paws with Purell. But that’s no substitute for a soap and wash Hun! Don’t except anything from her hands. Unclean! Unclean!

Anyway, back to why Rach was trying to puke her tofu out. (You know that pretentious ho’s dabbling in the vegan). She’s not bulimic though. She tried and failed and won’t even attempt it again. Lots of water Huney, that’s the secret or at least what those model twigs at Fashion Week were telling me. Not that I’d know. *wide innocent eyes*

Martha still wants to talk about the feelings that lead up to Rach wanting to attempt being a member of Pro-Mia (Pro Ana and Mia are sites in the support of anorexia and bulimia. Members encourage each other to give in to their eating disorders. Sick I know).

Rach wants to be thinner and prettier like Bibletease. Oh Huney! Head Jock is so not worth it! If we were talking Zac Efron here that would be another story. No, I kid. No man is worth it. If you want to lose weight or change yourself in any way, do it for yourself. Does Martha understand? Has she ever liked a boy so much that she just wanted to lock herself in her room, listen to sad music and cry? Ummm…”No”.

She prefers to do it in her car while it’s raining so that the whole world can cry with her.

She understands all about a boycrush though. Not now, back in the day, long time ago, she’s not crushing on anyone right now especially not a married man with a wife that has a bun in the oven. Nope not at all. Protect your heart Rach. It’s not worth the heartache or compromise.

How about just telling this boy that she likes him? Hello Martha! Don’t you know the last thing teenagers do is talk about their true feelings?! Oh I forgot. You went through adolescence about 40 years ago. You couldn’t possibly remember. To her credit she does try.

Common interest Rach. Find out what he likes and pretend you’re into it to. Nice advice, here’s another. When he talks about any subject, pretend you know anything about it (even though you might be a fucking expert) and let him educate you. He’ll feel like the big man and you the dumb flower and voila! That’s how you catch a husband. According to the Gone with the Wind code.

Military drums. This means trouble. Principal Abdullah’s office.

This looks like a cozy gathering.

HJ and Rach are being glared at by Sue, who looks like she might pounce and go for the jugular at any moment, Abdul and Schue.

Would HJ and Rach like to tell the Principal and Schue what Sue caught them doing? WHOA. I’m dying of anticipation figuring they must’ve playing Doctor in the Janitor’s supply closet. HJ: “Just sorta happened” WHAT! Spill. Now. Rach thinks Sue-cougar is overreacting. “Gay parents encourage rebellion, there’s studies on this” LOL Cougar. What the hell happened?! What Karma Position of Sutra were they caught in?!

Rach starts explaining their story by using a lot of fancy words. Which means bullshit happened. Long narrative short. HJ was too chicken to perform that Disco night song in front of the whole school, so they made posters thinking that would be as effective in recruiting members. Sue caught them making photocopies. What’s the big deal? That copier was paid for by Cheerio alumni and is exclusively for Cheerio use. Sue cannot even begin to fathom the damage they could have cause if they had broken the copier. Oh the Crime of the Century!

Will protests with a “Hold on Sue” Oh no he didn’t! Sue’s not going to be told to hold on to anything. She refuses to be treated like a second class citizen because of her gender. It’s Sue’s recommendation that the kids be “hobbled”. Now is she suggesting that they be beaten with sticks so they are forced to hobble around or is she meaning expulsion? Coz she could go both ways here.

Sensible Will speaks up. How many copies did the kids make and how much is a copy? Why don’t they just pay Suzie back? Abdullah likes this compromise. Done and done, the kids are left off with a warning. Also, if Sue can please personally clean up the protein shake she dropped on the copy room floor when she discovered the crime in process. Half the janitorial staff have been laid off, it’s a recession yo! Clean up your mess. Sue is gob smacked. “Lady Justice wept today” LOL

“Don’t have the cash kiddies?” Demonic voice. End demonic voice

Why do I even bother with a recap this show? It should just be transcribed in its pure glory. As they exit the office, HJ apologizes and Rach wants the flyers to be up by lunch tomorrow. *shaking my head* show a little remorse won’t ya bitch?! Will steams that they are still doing the show and those flyers aren’t being posted. I would’ve added a bitch slap to Rach’s effing face with that announcement but he does fine too.

“Everybody loves disco” yeah like 30 years ago Will. The kids are right, the song sucks and they are going to be booed. Good luck with that.

HJ complains of how he’s going to be killed by his jock friends while Rach tries to stroke his ego and reassure him that’ll be work out. He’s really, really talented after all. Good girl Rach. She invites HJ to practice for the assembly after school the next day but he has a celibacy club meeting.

Will and the Poodle soaking up the suds in a bubble bath. Nice! Some more neekid Will torso please. He has some bad news for Poodle though. He can’t find any extra work and the Grand Foyer bubble bursts in her face.

Poodle blows up. She works hard and she wants her dream house. She sells more personal massages at her work – What?! Where? At Sheets and Things?! Or does she have a spa gig on the side? She must not be doing happy endings though, that’s where the tips are at. She wants to people to give back to them. Shut up you self absorbed hag. Urgh!

Will happens upon Abdul scrubbing the copy room floor, more specifically trying to get Sue’s congealed mess of a pink protein drink off it. Sue got a note from the school nurse exonerating her from clean up duty. LOL. Will has a light bulb. Any chance of him getting one of those janitorial night slots? He’ll work at half salary. Abdul smiles. Is that even legal? Violation of constitutional rights to fair pay no?!

Celibacy Club in session. Barbies vs the Bratz doll (and we all know who won that case.)

Welcoming committee.

Friendly aren’t they?

Rach wants to know where all the boys are. Bibletease, head bitch in charge, spits out that first they separate then they come together to share their faith. Sounds kinky to me. Let’s visit the boys shall we? Room of misfits.

HJ is tossing around a football. Le Mullet (or is that a Mohawk? I’m going to steal Le Mullet from J-Mo anyway. Shout out to J-Mo who does the awesome Top Chef recaps.) Asshole, HJ’s alleged BFF is smelling his fingers. His own not HJs. Gross. He confirms this by cringing away from them.

I shudder to think where they have been but I’m gonna call

TU-NA!

Some nerd with an afro announces that he’s going to kill himself. *crickets*What a loss. He’s serious. Um hm. He’s arguing that he’s surrounded by sexual imagery and his not allowed to do anything about it? As if any girl would let you geek! Sorry that was unkind but let’s keep it real here. Those short skirts are the killer man, he wails. Le Mullet likes the skirts. A girl bent over and he could see her ovaries. Nice dude, high five! *Gag*

Back to the bitches. Bibletease once again commends the pervert that created those short skirts. She brings up the power motto which they immediately chant: “It’s all about the teasing and not about the pleasing. Knew she was a cocktease!

A jock inquires how far HJ and Cocktease have come to bumping uglies. They grind, play tonsil hockey. Afro wants to know how HJ keeps from blowing his top, and by that I mean ejaculating. Whenever Fro grinds it’s always “Cinco de Mayo!” Puhlease! Grinding against whom? Or rather what. His pillow? HJ laughs it off confidently. Not a problem for the macho man. Expect that it secretly is. To stop the volcano from erupting you should think of dead kittens but the only thing that works for HJ is the day he plowed over the postman while practicing for his driver’s permit. *WIDE EYES* You robbed a few neighborhood dogs HJ.

Finally the boys and girls are allowed in the same room together – and they have balloons. M’kay. They are using the balloons for the immaculate affection.

WHAT, THE, FUCK. is this stupidity?! Bibletease warns them that if the balloons pop the noise will make the angels cry. Look bitch, you’re cute but that won’t prevent me busting a cap in your ass. So the couples pair up (of course Rach gets paired up with ‘Fro)and they put the balloons between them and proceed to…what?! Jesus help me!

Yeah, this looks

real Christian.

Bibletease and HJ’s balloon is the first to pop. Must’ve hit his zipper. Rach stops proceedings by labeling this a joke. AMEN AT LEAST! Preach Sister!

Studies show that celibacy doesn’t work in high schools; the best thing for teens to do is be prepared aka contraception. Bible butts in that Rach shouldn’t dare use the C word. But I dare. Stop being such a cunt!

Rach has a dirty little secret to clue the boys in on. Girls want sex just as much. BAM! Holla Girl! You know it and this from a former Catholic school scholar, I can confirm.

End of day. Supposedly late night. Will is scrapping some God knows what from under a desk. Martha just happens along and sees this. Gasp. Is Will a janitor? He’s dressed like one with a name tag. Good going there Sherlock.

Will fesses up that his spoiled wife wants a Grand Foyer and is forcing her hubby to clean toilets in order to get it.

What? A janitor uniform is not as sexy as a periwinkle sweater?! And I thought you loved the man! In your defense that shade of blue does nothing for his complexion!

Will is super embarrassed and asks that Martha keep his secret. She readily agrees.

Does Will need help? He used window cleaner to clean the floors and the keyboard is crawling with eColi because Mrs. Hoffman doesn’t wash her hands after doing number twos. You should know all about not washes your hands Bitch! Right now you’re itching to rub them all over some married man’s body too!

In exchange for helping Will clean up how about he helps her with one of her problems? Are you going to bang the bitch Will? She needs a good screw to unwind her tightass.

Martha doesn’t have any problems. She’s perfect didn’t you hear? Except that she might have a little problem with dirt and messes. She tells us her sob story.

When she was a little girl (forty years ago) she wanted to work on a dairy farm (really? Appropriate since she reminds me of a cow) so they visited the farm and after the magical day of yogurt tasting etc her brother pushed her into a runoff lagoon. Ewww poor kid. Ever since then she’s had trouble forgetting the stench.

Will suggests counseling but she’s got it under control with lots of showers and not eating dairy. Girlfriend’s good. Will has a little experiment he wants to try. He runs his finger through some chalk dust and gently dabs Martha on the nose with it. Wow, that was kinda hot. Sweet but sensual and I’m going back to Josh Harnett blowing dem flowers in 40 days and 40 nights. Will then ups the temperature by sideways arm wiping it off her. Hot.

Sexiest appearance by an arm ever. I smell

Emmy!

He also informs her of the ten second rule. Know what’ll cure her Will? Having sex with while pouring chocolate milk over her naked body. Just an idea. If you really wanted to help and all…Too bad Coach Tubs also witnesses the tender moment.

New day and I smell a new coup. Glee Club rehearsal but no Mr. Schue. Rach has paid a Freshman to ask Will for help with irregular verbs. The rest of the group still does not want to do the assembly, fearing death by dismemberment, but Rach has a plan. They are not going to get creamed because they are going to give the people what they want. “Blood?” asks MJ. “Sex” counters Rach. And it’s on!

Showtime! Firstly Abdullah makes the important announcement that the lavatories are broken again. They are fixing the problem but there is a zero tolerance policy for anyone caught spoiling school grounds. He doesn’t want a repeat of last time. *shaking my head*

On that related note, the G Club kids are introduced. Will smile slides off his face as instead of the tired disco beat we get Salt ‘n Peppa’s “Push It” , complete with highly provocative choreography.

Various reactions from the audience. Sue with her jaw on the floor. Bibletease is looking outraged as HJ mock humps Rach. Martha’s bobbing to the beat and Principal Abdullah is actually swaying back and forth, eyes closed. LOL. HJ raps out some shit then goes to Marc Jacobs for a high five which he gets but he doesn’t bargain for the ass smack which MJ decides to include. UH Oh. A quick look at the Jock team and their faces are stone. Bwahahaha and now they are crawling? Where’s Nene from Real Housewives of Atlanta?! “Crawl Huney crawl! Oooo I love a crawl!

Blame Dwight for this one.

Now Hardcore Asian Lez and Hot wheels are feigning fellacio and cunnilinigus and I thought this was a family show! My bad! Would’ve been on ABCFamily then right?

Not at all

Arousing. *BARF*

G Club finished their performance and – nothing. Complete stunned silence before “YES!” Afro-geek deems it a winner and everyone else starts cheering. Sex really does sell.

Principals Office. Abdul, Sue and Will sit in silence until Sue takes the liberty of breaking it. She deems G’s performance as the most offensive thing she’s seen in 20 years and that includes an elementary school production of “Hair”.

Abdul tells Will about the calls of concern from the parents. Will has no idea what to say but Sue is willing to help him out. Her first idea is that his students should be placed in Foster care. LOL, she is getting the best one liners!

She also thinks Will should resign and G Club should be disbanded. Not so funny anymore bitch. No Glee Club, no recaps for me! Hold up!

Thankfully Abdul comes to my rescue as well. The issue was content. The kids are talented. The students got excited. Glee Club lives to sing another day.

However, Abdul called his pastor and they complied a list of songs that Glee can perform. Only these pre-approved songs, most of them with Jesus or balloons in the title are acceptable.

Will seems unsure but Abdulla reassures him that the egg is sunnyside up. He proceeds that the Glee club need new outfits. He got a flash of panty and not from the girls either!

Before Sue can cough her hairball out Abdul informs her he is cutting the Cheerio’s dry-cleaning budget. The dry cleaners in America are just as good as the ones in Europe.

Colour them happy.

Now Rach apologizes? What?! Schue’s not having any of it though. She lied to him and no parent will let their kid join Glee. Well done Rach. Also they have a song censorship. He understands why she did it but he doesn’t like the way she did it. Nice. That’s same garbage parents spew when their four year old does something wrong. I love you but I don’t like your behavior. Meanwhile they are just dying to throttle the brats. I know this, I was an au pair.

Martha polishing each grape individually before popping it into her mouth. Did she wash her hands this time? Sorry, I am not letting that go anytime soon. A cubby hand slides over a ticket to “Tulipalooza” The world’s largest tulip show & expo.

If it’s printed on the ticket it must be fact.

Hey it’s Coach Tubs. ‘Sup buddy?!

He sweetly tries to invite Martha but she shoots him down. Coach Tubs gets real on her ass. He witnessed her and Will playing after school clean-up the other night. Will is married. Married! You might want to add a slap to emphasize the point.

Coach lists his pros, He’s a good man, he’ll put up with her crazy, he’s a minority so they can’t fire him and he’ll always be able to provide for her. (Wait, he’s a minority? What minority?) Best of all, he’s not married! Girl could do a whole lot worse and in this town she ain’t gonna do much better. *FINGER SNAP! You tell her Coach! He struts away leaving Martha to reflect.

“LALALALALAALAAAAA” No HJ is not gay. We think. Rach is showcasing her extraordinary piano skills but tapping a key while HJ “LALALALLALAAAA”s to it. She pronounces him awesome. Rach wants to continue practicing scales but all this singing has made HJ hungry. Good! Rach is prepared. With an elaborate picnic set-up.

See?

So turns out HJ was the one that asked Rach for help after school. Wow and here I was getting real proud that she orchestrated the thing. Disappointed Rach. Your man hunting training will be severely set back now.

HJ wants help because he wants to be good like her. Rach fishes for more compliments asking coyly if he really thinks she’s good.

“Well when I first joined I thought you were a kinda insane, I mean, you talk a lot more than you should. To be honest with you I kept looking under the bed, making sure you weren’t hanging out under there.” Awww…Rach makes a sad horns face.

Then he heard her sing and it “touched something” in him. He puts his hand to his chest indicating how her singing touched his heart but he puts it on the wrong side. Doh! Rach happily moves his hand over to left side telling him is heart is over there. Hey at least he knew it was in his chest. HJ observes that his heart is beating really hard.

He pronounces Rach cool. She offers him a drink. Virgin Cosmos in airplane cups. HJ leans over to wipe off a little Cosmo on Rach’s lip. She tells him that he can kiss her if he wants to. How unselfish of her to offer up her lips to him! *smile* He wants to. Duh! And why does Rach lay back on her picnic pillows of shame to be kissed?! You can kiss sit up and kiss you know. Or does she? She might be a virgin kisser. Might? What am I saying? That’s affirmative Houston!

So Rach lays back HJ gets on top, tender music plays in the background and it gets very PG 13 suddenly. Yay!

Very sweet tender kisses and then POSTMAN! HJ envisions the guy he hit whilst driving but judging from the way he jumps up and pulls his shirt down I’m thinking it’s too late. Clean up on aisle 4!

He runs out of there begging Rach not to tell anyone and she sits stunned with her hands to her face.

Sad horns. Nice composition though.

Some lube is being squeezed on a woman’s stomach. Oh sorry, it’s only gel. That gel they squeeze on you when taking an ultrasound. We’re with Poodle in the Doc’s office.

Not a porno.

Her stomach is flatter than an ironing board. Well that’s because there’s no baby in there!

I called this shit last episode.

Besides a chicken wing she must’ve swallowed whole, her uterus is devoid of any little William. Turns out she was having a hysterical pregnancy. But her body is showing all the signs…she gained 10 pounds for Pete’s sake! Again, the chicken wing.

In SA we call hysterical pregnancies, “phantom pregnancies” much kinder. Doesn’t make the woman feel like twice the crazy desperada. Excuse, but what kind of Doctor tells his patient “If you’re meant to get pregnant it’ll happen.” Don’t get personal buddy.

Oooohhh Bibletease and two wannabes are auditioning for Mr. Schue. “I say a Little Prayer”

Mr. Schue can’t suppress his smile which shows no man is immune to the lure of the Cheerleader.

Also those whorish short skirts make quite a case.

Stop trying to suppress that smile Will!.

To give credit where it’s due – Damn. Dionne Warwick that was good.

“Joining Glee Club?” Sue-cougar’s office and she might rip out all three of those bimbo’s larynxes.

Q aka Bibletease apologizes profusely but appeals that she had to. That Rach thing is trying to steal her man! She has to defend what’s hers! Please don’t kick them out of the Cheerios!

Sue nixes any fake tears in the bud. She reflects on how when she first saw Q she was reminded of her younger self, though Q doesn’t have her bone structure. *smiley face*

The three musketeers are going to be Sue’s spies, to bring down Glee Club. Bibletease happily agrees adding in how she’ll also be getting her boyfriend back but Sue doesn’t care so much about that and voices that to her in those very words. LOL

Someone’s viciously scrubbing a hallway drinking fountain with a toothbrush. Must be Martha and hey! I was right! Will hurries up to her excitedly wanting to show her some new disinfecting bleach wipes he found. He tries to tempt her into some foreplay with the wipes in the boy’s bathroom after school but surprising Martha doesn’t bite. She asks what they are doing. What with him being married and having a baby on the way. Besides she has a date. She accepted Coach Tubs offer to go and smell tulips. Sad music.

Will walks in the door to his home and there’s Poodle!

This would really not be the first thing I’d want to see when walking through the door. Bitch looks like she’s gonna set the place on fire and you with it!

She’s waiting at the dinner table with chicken pot pie and the news that will break his heart and probably deliver a heavy blow to their marriage. Hungry?

Before she can tell him the sad news he launches into some tirade about how family is important to him and even though his been busting his ass and he’s so tired, her and the baby are worth it. Wait what was Poodle saying?

Ummm…she went to the baby doctor today (I think you mean an obstetrician Hun) and (she’s not pregnant) It’s a BOY! Whaaaa???? Will is ecstatic and out of guilt Poodle wants Will to stop being a janitor. They’ll stay in their apartment and turn her craft room into a nursery. What an unselfish person she is. They embrace.

School bell signaling end of day and the crushing of Rach’s spirit. Mr. Schue is giving Bibletease Rach’s solo. Sorry bitch and P.S. It’s all your fault. But hey Will can own up to the fact that he screwed up too. He never should’ve pushed Disco so hard. Well now they both have to think of the club. Rach may not always be the star but he’ll make sure she’ll always have fun. Rach asks if she can use the auditorium to practice and Will approves.

Wow, Rach belts out Rihanna’s “Take a Bow”. Amazing. This is intercut with clips of her pining over HJ while he’s romancing his GF. I tear up reminded of my asshole Ex-boyfriend. And WAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! He was a pharmacist and had a big, beautiful thermometer! He was also a cheating douchebag but that therometeeeeeeerrrr!!!! WAAAHHHH!!!

I can SO relate! *sniff*

That was beautiful and I’m drawn to Team Rachael again! Don’t fuck it up again! Only so many chances with me.

Thanks for reading Gasmii! Recaps tres and cuarto is follow soon!

Lots of wet kisses! MWAH!

SU out.