Well, HELL-O, Season Opener of Glee! It’s So Nice To See You Back Where You Belong!

Glee

By BirschTalk | Thursday, April 15, 2010 | 11:55 pm | 28 Comments

Tagged: funny, hilarilous, recap, spoof, TV, tvgams

***Please welcome our newest recapper to the family, BirschTalk!

This week on Glee, we learn that sharks are actually gay dolphins! And way too much else happens to put into one line…

Can you hear it? I can. It’s the happy-Glee-lucky version of “Don’t Stop Believin.’” Sure, you know the one. That a cappella song that got us all hooked in the first place! The first time I heard it I got all teary eyed. Not because of how it managed to be wonderfully campy AND genuine at the same time. But because I had somehow felt vindicated. There’s no question that if Glee was popular when I was in high school, I might have been a little more self assured. Sadly, there was no glee club at my high school, or at least, insert joke about my age but I’m not going to cause I refuse to ever think I am old and I’m really not that old anyway, there wasn’t 10 years ago… Only the self funded theater program, in which I happily took part. I recalled the snickering from the back of various class rooms that seemed to get progressively worse as we interrupted frog dissections and geometric shapes on overhead projectors to promote our latest musical… Still, I sung my HEART out. Not because of pride. Not because of wanting attention. But because I LOVEd to sing. I may not have been able to make the JV basketball team, or be half as popular as my little sister, but I could sing, dammit. Or at least I thought I could. And the joy that I felt from singing overshadowed any sort of judgement that came from the back of those rooms.

Still have “Don’t Stop Believin’ in your head? No? Well, I do. And in my head, it’s still playing while I tell you that this is the reason I feel almost worthy enough to recap Glee for tvgasm. Because, I’ve been there. Dammit. And also, I frickeen love the show. Oh, and, I’m, I’m gay. Mostly. (Okay the gay thing is a side note, and it really doesn’t even count anyway cause I’m not a man.) Alright, time to throw a slushee in my own face and get to recappin’ Glee’s very first episode of season 2!

Quick last season recap: Will Schuester (Mr Schu, aka, Schu, aka Will) led the glee club to singing their way to a victory at sectionals, even despite all the obstacles that cheerios coach, Sue Sylvester, had thrown at them. Finn found out that Quinn’s baby was not his but actually his friend’s, Puck. Yay! Now Rachel and Finn can finally be together. In a nice little parallel, Will Schuester found out that his wife Terry was faking a pregnancy and we finally got to see Schu and Emma Pillsbury, the school’s counselor, kiss!

And that’s what I HOPE you DIDN’T miss on Glee…

We open with a little Babs playing in the background as Mercedes, Rachel and Kurt are walking down the hall, basking in their big win at sectionals, finally feeling popular.

But not for too long-

A slushee in each of their faces transitions into Schu arguing with Principal Figgins about the glee club having to win REGIONALS, not just sectionals, if they wanna stay together. Not to mention that the cheerios now need the auditorium for practice. “But the cheerios don’t even have a coach!” Schu exclaims. “Oh yes they do,” we hear off screen in a deeper than usual voice for a lady. Could it be? Our beloved Sue Sylvester! Cue the militant marching drums cause yes, yes it is! Sue wastes no time going immediately into making fun of Schu’s haircut. Apparently, she’s conned her way back into McKinnly High and out of suspension by “doing it” with Principal Figgins? What?

Sue Sylvester blowing in Figgin’s ear! Gross AND wonderful!

At a basketball game, it seems Finn needs a little help from Teenwolf cause he’s missin’ all his shots. Finn’s voiceover reveals he’s feeling a little off his game in general and he questions his kinda sorta relationship with Rachel. The cat calendar that Rachel is shoving in his face at the lockers, complete with predetermined date nights, isn’t helping either.

Meow! Talk about attention to detail! That’s actually them!

Finn looks over longingly at Quinn who’s getting a hard time from Puck for super sizing her Grumpy Meals.

Back at the basketball game, a numb Coach Tanaka is stuffing a submarine sandwich in his face and Finn’s voiceover reminds us of how he was once engaged to Emma Pillsbury and that he’s gained 40 pounds. Poor guy. I’m glad though. I don’t wanna watch him sing anymore.

Or is that the new KFC Double Down?

Just after cutting the pony tail off a long haired boy student for really no reason, Sue explains to Schuester that she was reinstated after a civil dinner with Principal Figgins. (Of course, that’s not what REALLY happened. She blackmailed her way by putting roofies in his drink, and led him to believe they had “sexual congress.” )

Hey, I have that sweater too, Figgins!

Schuester tries to bury the hatchet, but Sue not only emphatically declines, she vows to have her vengeance! Then delivers my favorite hair joke yet:

Schuester

“Bring it.”

Sue

Oh, I will bring it. I’m gonna bring some asian cookery, while I’m at it. Cause right now you got enough product in your hair to season a wok.”

In Glee club, Schu gives the troops their homework assignment for a new New Directions with a very helpful diagram:

They are to sing a song with the word, “hello,” which leads into Schu giving Emma the “hello” eyes in her office. Schu suggests they start with a clean slate and offers to cook Emma some dinner at his place. Bow chicka bow bowwwww…

Things are also getting heavy but in a mean kinda way in Sue’s office. She’s giving Brittany and Santana a hard time about failing to bring the glee club to it’s demise last season. So she suggests they ask Finn out to make Rachel jealous.

Finn and Schu are having a heart to heart about getting in touch with Finn’s inner rock star. Cue my FAVorite Door’s song “Hello, I Love You.” And speaking of favorites, check out Kurt’s face when Finn’s got his mojo risin’:

this

equals

this

Santana and Brittany corner Finn at the lockers and ask him out on a date. The BOTH of them… Rachel notices Fin talking to them and asks Finn what they wanted. Finn confesses he needs to connect to his inner rockstar before he commits to one woman. With tears in her eyes, Rachel breaks it down for Finn and tells him that she’s the only person in the school who really knows him. Finn gives the “she right” look as she runs away hurt and upset.

“She’s right.”

In glee club, Rachel tells Mr. Schu she figured out what she wants to sing. The song is of course, directed at Finn who was just telling the girls that Hawaiian pizza is the best. I disagree, Finn. Pepperoni/jalepeno is much better. Until later of course… Anyway, I digress, let’s get back to Rachel singing “Gives You Hell” to Finn who gets the message that Rachel is pretty pretty angry. During the song we get to see the asian guy busting out some awesome dance moves.

Schu, is dissapointed in the club not taking their homework assignment seriously and reminds them of their biggest competion, Vocal Adrenaline, and that if they don’t place at regionals, glee club is over.

Rachel heeds Schu’s warning and goes to a music store to look for a song to sing. She picks up a Lionel Richie book and the star of Vocal Adrenaline picks HER up. Rim shot! They sing a duet version of Lionel’s “Hello,” while Jesse continuously gives Rachel a sexy vampire look.

“I’m in pain AND in love.”

By the way, I love that they have no shame cutting to a trio that’s suddenly there to provide strings and percussion. After Rachel looks like she’s going to explode with lust, he asks her out on a date.

Meanwhile, Finn is on his date with Santana and Brittany and it’s not turning out to be as fun as he thought it would be. They actually tell him that he’s just supposed to pay for dinner and watch them make out. Britt delivers the best line of the night- “Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?” I must say, this young girl who plays Brittany, Heather Morris, is tops in my book. Her delivery is spot ON. The soft spoken dead pan thing is working perfectly and this Brittany character has quickly become one of my favorites. Dare I say almost on par with Jane Lynch’s, Sue Sylvester. Almost. Actually, barely almost.

Bow chicka bow boooowww. Schu and Emma are on their date at Schu’s place. They’re slow dancing to Neil Diamond’s “Hello Again.” Lucky for us, we get to see Mathew Morrison (Schu) actually sing along to the song. I LOVE when the singing feels a little more, I don’t know, raw? But trust me, I’m happy enough to know that all the singing is actually coming from the actors that are moving their mouths. Even if it is auto tuned some of the time… Schu decides that he and Emma should make “Hello Again” their song. They move things to the couch and those “things” get a little intense, which causes Emma to reveal that she is a virgin.

At the lockers, Finn approaches Rachel and tells Rachel he wants her back. Rachel in her dramatic fashion, tells Finn that she’s now dating Jesse from Vocal Adrenaline, and that she’s finally over Finn. Finn reports this immediately to Schu.

The cheerios report the same thing to Sue Sylvester, who becomes, “engorged with venom and triumph.” That is one evil boner, Sue.

Who woulda thunk we’d ever be hearing ACDC’s “Highway to Hell” on Glee? I didn’t. But we did.

Vocal Adrenaline’s Jesse St. James gives a short naughty performance rehearsal for Schu as he sneaks in to the auditorioum to talk to VA’s coach about the relationship that Jesse and Rachel has forged. He tells VA’s coach that he’s concerned she has asked Jesse to spy. Hold on a sec, does anyone else think this coach lady looks too much like Rachel?

I’m not suggesting that they did this on purpose, I am simply saying they could easily be a mother daughter combo. GASP! We don’t know who’s Rachel mom is do we??? Holy crap, did I just stumble onto a possible future plot line with my keen observation skills? If someone is actually reading this and it turns out to be true then you owe me a dollar! Anyway, Schu and the VA coach end up making out. Which I gotta be honest, feels a little forced. But anyway, they make out, Schu stops their momentum and they have a chat over some tea. They both relate to each other with their similar jobs and the VA coach tells Schu that he should take some time to get to know himself after the divorce. I guess Schu’s got an inner rock star too. VA’s coach gives Schu her card for when he’s ready…

In New Directions, the gang gives Rachel an ultimatum. Glee or Jesse… Sue invites Rachel to a fake Old Maids Club consisting of homely looking young ladies who are destined to be single forever. In the meeting, Sue tells Rachel she’s heard of how unfair her fellow gleemates are being, asking Rachel to choose between glee and Jesse. A quick CUT TO reveals that Santana and Brittany have divuldged this information to Sue. CUT BACK to the Old Maid’s Club meeting where Rachel is getting scared into sticking with Jesse.

Emma maticulously sets up a dinner table for date night at Schu’s when his soon to be ex-wife, Terry comes back to pick up her remaining DVDs. Terry discovers a Jazz Singers DVD and Emma tells her their song, “Hello Again” is in the movie. Terry scoffs at Emma and tells her that was their song in high school. To boot, Terry moves a fork on the table. I hate that Terry lady. She’s so mean. And she has crazy eyes.

Oh snap, Terry!

Rachel pays a visit to Jesse to make sure that she isn’t being played. He comforts her and tells her he’s nuts about her. Consoled, Rachel says that “no one can know,” to which Jesse agrees. Then he gives her a forceful gross kiss while giving his coach a “everything is going according to plan” look. She’s watching secretly in the wings. Gross!

Emma walks into her office and Schu is waiting to ask why she wasn’t there when he got home last night. She hands Schu a year book that confirms Terry’s claim that “Hello Again” was their song. Schu confesses he had completely forgot. Emma suggests that Schu still may not be over his ex and that maybe he should take some time to be by himself. I love the sweet quiet exchanges between these two characters. It’s so genuine to me.

At the lockers, Rachel tells Finn she broke things off with Jesse and to inform the glee crew. He says it’s for the best not only for Glee but for them, as a couple. Although her eyes say something else, Rachel explains that she can’t be in a couple with Finn so that they can really focus on regionals. Finn let’s her know he’s not gonna give up so easily.

Appropriately, we transition into a Beatles “Hello, Goodbye ” performance by the Glee club. Schu watches the rehearsal wistfully and Emma sneaks in and watches from the balcony with same sort of sentiment. Rachel struggles with Finn during the rehearsal and by the end of the song she’s so confused she walks immediately off stage.

The end.

But wait! There’s more!

It’s a video with Sue Sylvester covering Madonna’s “Vogue.” Now, I LOVE me some Sue Sylvester but I am a tiny bit dissapointed that the first time we see her sing is in a promotional stand alone video. I want to see her so insensed with hate and emotion that she sings along with some cheerios practice song or something… This just feels unnatural and the only thing that did feel natural was seeing Kurt vogue…

Okay my dears. Thank you so much for sticking with me and I promise next week you’ll get a recap earlier… Talk at you then!

yours and everyone elses,

BirschTalk

Comments (28)
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About BirschTalk

BirschTalk lives in Los Angeles, writing and performing comedy... What, are you writing a book?

28 Comments

1

spk12

Posted April 16, 2010 at 12:04 pm

This isn’t season 2. It is the back 9 episodes of season 1.
2

SaneN85

Posted April 16, 2010 at 12:07 pm

That “Rachel look-a-like” is Tony award winner Idina Menzel (aka, Ms. Taye Diggs) who was part of the original cast of “Rent”. After so many people remarked on the similarity between her and Lea Michele, she agreed to guest star on Glee.

Also, Jesse was played by Lea Michele’s “Spring Awakening” co-star and best friend, Jonathon Groff. I’m surprised you hadn’t heard about this before the episode, it was way over-hyped.
3

Yanksfan24

Posted April 16, 2010 at 12:13 pm

Idina Menzel was also in “Wicked” with Kristen Chenoweth. Good recap! Brittany has the best lines “sometimes I forget my middle name!” LOL
4

BirschTalk

Posted April 16, 2010 at 12:30 pm

Oy, you’re right spk12! I just assumed it was another season after being off the air for 3 years… My bad!
5

spk12

Posted April 16, 2010 at 12:33 pm

For someone recapping this show you don’t seem to know much about it.
6

BirschTalk

Posted April 16, 2010 at 12:45 pm

I actually hadn’t heard that but thanks for letting us know, SaneN85! I still think it would be awesome if TONY AWARD WINNER IDINA MENZEL turned out to be Rachel’s mom…
7

BirschTalk

Posted April 16, 2010 at 12:48 pm

Thanks for the love, Yanksfan24.
8

BirschTalk

Posted April 16, 2010 at 1:07 pm

spk12 you are a firecracker! Mama like! You’re firecracker that’s wrong though, honey… You WILL love me. One day. Watch. Or read. I mean read.
9

PottyMouth

Posted April 16, 2010 at 1:17 pm

Birschtalk,

I LOVE this show so freaking much. So happy it’s back.

I also loved that line that Sue had about Will being able to season a wok! Jane Lynch is awesome.

So any bets on Emma singing “Like a Virgin” for Madonna week next week? We all know it’s gonna happen, right?

I also heard that the Chenowith is coming back – I am really hoping that she sings with Idina, perhaps “What is This Feeling?” Someone make that happen.

Look forward to reading more!

SWAK, PottyMouth
10

BirschTalk

Posted April 16, 2010 at 1:24 pm

PottyMouth, GREAT call on “Like a Virgin!”
11

cattyfan

Posted April 16, 2010 at 2:11 pm

I figured Quinn would do “Like A Virgin”…
12

PottyMouth

Posted April 16, 2010 at 2:28 pm

cattyfan, LOLOLOLOLOL!! I was going the more literal route thinking Quinn would sing Papa Don’t Preach, but I like yours WAY better!

Have I mentioned how much I love this show??
13

cattyfan

Posted April 16, 2010 at 2:38 pm

When the show started, weren’t Quinn and Finn in the abstinence club? Maybe the whole club can sing a “Like a Virgin”/”Papa Don’t Preach” mash-up…
14

cattyfan

Posted April 16, 2010 at 2:44 pm

one more thing…Idina Menzel was great (but unappreciated and under-utilized) in Enchanted.
15

BirschTalk

Posted April 16, 2010 at 2:50 pm

Good gravy! A double Madonna mash-up! Let’s make things weird and throw in a side of Madonna’s “Justify My Love.”
16

BirschTalk

Posted April 16, 2010 at 2:53 pm

cattyfan, i am agreeing with you all over the place.
17

marijai

Posted April 16, 2010 at 3:27 pm

Birsch…first, I LOVE this show. I had another recapper all picked out in my mind for this show, but you did good!

The line from Finn’s voice over comparing Tanaka to Jessica Simpson after the breakup “…gained 40 lbs and stopped showering…” was my fave of the night, but a very close second was definitely Brit and her observation on dolphins! That line even made Boyfriend laugh.

Again, good job! I’m looking forward to reading more!

oxox
18

BirschTalk

Posted April 16, 2010 at 3:37 pm

Well aren’t you just the sweetest thing, marijai! Thank you. I was all nervous and stuff cause it was my first time.
19

on_the_flipside

Posted April 16, 2010 at 7:34 pm

@PottyMouth @cattyfan I would agree completely, but Quinn already sang “Papa Don’t Preach” in the episode Hairography.
20

PottyMouth

Posted April 17, 2010 at 4:24 am

D’oh! How could I have forgotten that? I am ashamed to call myself a Gleek.
21

slumrville

Posted April 17, 2010 at 8:45 am

Admirable job with the recap, BirschTalk! I know these things are wicked time consuming, but I want more. Every scene and bit of dialogue is ripe for snarky commentary! Still, you “BRING IT,” and I <3 you for that!

I’m quickly falling in love with Jesse. He’s the male version of Rachel…. we just haven’t seen his insecure side yet. I suspect that he’ll actually fall for Rachel, develop a conscience, and sabotage his own plan to take down New Directions. I’m probably blinded by gay lust, but until proven otherwise, that’s what I hope happens.

Finally, I loved the moments in the episode where Glee seemed to be poking fun at itself and the over-produced, unrealistic nature of the production numbers. The lead-in to Finn’s “Hello, I Love You,” was particularly great. When Mr. Shue told him to figure himself out through song, and he commented, “That’s why the band is here.” And without any prep, they bust out into song. BRILLIANT!!! I hope they play that up more in future episodes.

God, I love this show more than masturbation!!!
22

BirschTalk

Posted April 17, 2010 at 1:57 pm

Thanks slumrville! I’m a rookie but I’m a tryin’! And kudos to you for pointing out that show has a keen, amazing sense of humor, even about itself… Now get to wackin’ cause Tuesday will be here before you know it!
23

fire@will

Posted April 17, 2010 at 10:42 pm

I thought you did a FINE job of recapping – especially for your first time, and not the easiest assignment (a popular show that attracts rabbit/rabid fans). So far, I’ve had little to complain about with this show (it would really be unrealistic to expect full nudity – sigh!). The cast and crew are putting out great work.

slumrville: a teeny bit too much information – LOL
24

happy.housewife

Posted April 18, 2010 at 8:59 am

BirschTalk-

Geez, you don’t know every little bit of information there is to know about a television show? You should just give up on life right now and go jump off a bridge. <—That’s my sarcasm font:)

Seriously, great job! This has got to be a handful to recap and you knocked it out of the park. Muah!
25

Memememe

Posted April 18, 2010 at 10:41 am

Isn’t Idina Menzel the one who has the ongoing feud with Kristin Chenoweth? And now they’re both on Glee? :cat hiss & scratch:

And thank you for saying that the Vogue video was underwhelming. I felt the same way.

Love the recap! Thank you! ~~
26

BirschTalk

Posted April 18, 2010 at 4:57 pm

Sure do appreciate that, fire@will!
27

BirschTalk

Posted April 18, 2010 at 5:00 pm

happy.housewife! What a charmer you are! Thanks a million for the encouragement. It makes it all worth it!
28

BirschTalk

Posted April 18, 2010 at 5:15 pm

Memememe, so happy you liked the recap!

And yes, definitely underwhelmed by the Vogue video… Still, I can’t wait for the Madonna episode.

Well, HELL-O, Season Opener of Glee! It’s So Nice To See You Back Where You Belong!

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Well, HELL-O, Season Opener of Glee! It’s So Nice To See You Back Where You Belong!

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