Well, it’s here, y’all… ORIGINAL SONGS week… Considering we already love the show unconditionally, I suppose the question we should be asking ourselves is- Did I get up off the couch humming the tune about Rachel not getting it right with Finn, afterwards? Or even, would I throw the glang’s “Loser Like Me” number into my workout mix? Forgive me if you disagree, but I have to say, “No!” To both! Don’t get me wrong, they weren’t half bad… But, ol’ Birschy needs to FEEL a song in order to like it, at least a little bit. It can be ANY feeling, by the way. A lump in my throat. A brick in my gut. A skip of my heart. But these songs did not do any of that. Frankly, the song that came closest to that was Santana’s “Trouty Mouth,” and that’s cause I was feeling it m’ funny bone… Ironically, what Shue was trying to get the glang to do (write and sing out of emotion) was what lacked for me in those big ending original numbers… BUT, all that said, I still enjoyed myself tonight. I especially loved the Blaine/Kurt storyline and I’m so pleased they made that happen.. What a wonderful last few weeks for the gays, eh?
I wish every ep started the way this one did! They jumped right into a song at the get go. Any sort of upbeat song naturally creates an energy. It’s a great way to kick off a show, and it’s the reason most musicals start this very same way. The Warblers follow Blaine, dancing through the Dalton Academy hall’s singing Maroon 5′s “I Am In Misery.” I have to admit I hadn’t heard this song and I got really excited that ALL the songs were going to be original, and that this was gonna be the most amazing episode ever. But then I really listened to the lyrics and realized it must have been written by some sort of boy band. In this case, it was just a man band… At the end, Blaine shouts into the air “Hey Regionals, you just met our opening number.” When Blaine asks Kurt what he thinks, Kurt admits to his jealousy and says he feels more like “Blaine and the Pips,” rather than “The Warblers…” Zing, Kurt.
Rachel pulls Finn into the choir room for another try at song writing. She arms Finn with tissues in case her song about being an “Only Child” brings him to tears. It doesn’t though. And although it’s a little better then “My Headband,” (speak for yourself Finnster) it’s still not quite chalk full of raw emotion… As they discuss, we see Quinn creeping in the doorway. Her voiceover reveals her wanting to be with Finn MOSTLY because he’ll help her become prom queen. They cut to her perusing tiaras. She’s concerned that Rachel is going to get in the way of her getting to wear one. She’s afraid Finn will go back to her so she decides in her voice over to become best friends with Rachel. All this as she stares with a weird, maniacal smile.
“Muuuuhhahhaahaaa! BFFs 4 EVER, Berry…”
Kurt whistles happily at Pavarotti whilst filing his nails and staring in the mirror. Suddenly Pavarottie stops chirping back and he hears a small thud… They cut to the Warblers in an uproar because Blaine had requested they reverse the colors of their jackets and ties. Kurt makes a dramatic entrance and with tears in his eyes, proclaims the death of Pavarotti. He also requests that rather than “doo wop” behind Blaine for rehearsals, that Kurt sing a song in honor of his little birdie gone too soon. The Warblers allow a grief stricken Kurt to sing The Beatles “Blackbird.” Course, the harmonies were AT’d to heck, but Kurt sounded lovely. Soft and sweet. I liked it. Someone else liked it a lot more than me, though… They kept cutting to Blaine staring with a longing look those purty blues… Oooooooh!
“That should be ME singing… WaAAAAaah”
Shue has bad news for the glang- they received a cease and desist letter from My Chemical Romance. Cut to Sue revealing her hand in the matter. Apparently she met the drummer at a drum circle and banged on more than just some drums… This is good though, cause then that forces Nude Erections into having no choice but to sing original songs at Regionals. When Berry brings up this up with the glang, the second time around Quinn agrees. So does Finn. Quinn even suggests her and Rachel should write a song together. Santana thinks that everyone should get a shot, and Shue gives them the sign off. You can’t see me but I’m doing the Arsenio Hall fist pump with my finger…
At the lockers, Brittany approaches Santana with a puppy dog look and Santana gives her the cold shoulder cause last time Santana checked Britt Britt was still dating “Stubbles McCripple Pants.” Britt calls her out and says Santana told her she was in love with her but Santana says “I honestly don’t know what I was thinking.” Suddenly we hear a “Well, welll, if it isn’t Twiddle Dumb and Twiddle Fake Boobs.” Britt tells Sue she can’t hurt them anymore cause she’s not their Cheerio coach. Just as Sue says she likes to play dirty the girls open their lockers and dirt pours out. What’s strange is they open their mouths rather than back up as the dirt flows from their lockers. Anything for comedy I s’pose… A perfectly timed “I don’t even remember putting that in there,” from Britt caps the scene.
The Warblers are going through their usual hub bub and Blaine proposes they sing a duet rather then him lead the entire time. Of course there is opposition but Blaine gives them a questionably compelling reason and says “One Warblers voice has already been silenced because of Pavarotti…” Blaine also proposes that Kurt sing the duet with him. They all vote it through and Blaine gives Kurt a wink… OoooOOOOoooh! First a look. Then a wink? What’s next, a high five?
Shue leads the glang in a song writing seminar and passes out rhyming dictionaries. Rhyming dictionaries? Are those real? They can’t be. Anyway, Santana announces that her and Tina have already been working on a song that she’s written about NGS. Tina hops on the keys and Santana sings a sultry jazzy song called “Trouty Mouth.” Which I loved. I sort of even loved the melody. Sam didn’t though. His big ol’ guppy lips were turned up side down the whole time. He stops Santana and says they can’t sing that at Regionals. Shue agrees and says it doesn’t have the “epic feel” they’re going to need. Puck then claims he’s written a song for Zizes. He wants to make up for singing “Fat Bottom Girls” by singing a rockabilly type called “Big Ass Heart.” Which I thought was just as bad cause it still had a bunch of fat person puns, and of course, it wasn’t at half the caliber as “Fat Bottomed Girls.” Although it was received better than Santana’s, Shue thinks they’re still not quite there yet. Maybe they should do a rap about Matthew Morrison’s acting abilities and call it “Lost In A Paper Bag.” Rim shot!
Finn’s locker slams shut and Quinn starts riding Finn about their path to prom kind and queendom. Finn’s concerned about Rachel and says he doesn’t want her to know about them yet. She turns into “Scary Quinn” and gives him an ultimatum- it’s her or telling Rachel so they decide they’ll tell her after Regionals. Resolved they walk through the halls but Rachel has been watching them from a far…
“Nine alligators. TEN alligators! Ready or not, here I co- Heeeey.”
Kurt’s applying rhinestone’s to Pavarotti’s coffin and Blaine informs Kurt they’re going to sing “Candles” by Hey Monday for Regionals. Kurt’s impressed at the alternativeness of the song selection and he asks why Blaine chose to sing the song with him. Blaine admits he was moved by Kurt’s “Blackbird” in more ways than one. And then they make out. Twice! So far it’s my favorite kiss on Glee. But Santana and Brittany haven’t had their moment, YET…
Cue Save By The Bell audience “WoooOOOh.”
A synthesized “bum bum bum” kicks off the song that Mercedes is throwing into the ol’ Regionals hat. She sings a soul-poppy “Hell To The No,” and it’s about her not standing for anybody’s bullshit. The song itself was just alright and the lyrics weren’t horribly clever but I CAN say I haven’t seen that much neck rolling since the stretching portion before my core strengthening class.
In glee, Shue helps the glang find their song. They’re talking about how mean Sue Sylvester is to them and how she throws sticks at Mercedes and fills Santana’s and Britt’s lockers with dirt. Shue asks how that makes them feel and according to Finn, “it hurts at first, but then it just makes you want to win.” Somehow Shue ends up with the phrase “Loser Like Me” up on the board, he circles and viola! An original Glee song. The should have just let the manatees select different colored balls…
Quinn is tinkering around on the piano in the auditorium when Rachel walks in to rehearse. They’re off to a rocky start though cause Rachel wants to know the truth behind her and Finn. Quinn tells her they’ve been together for weeks and that it’s like “Groundhog’s Day with you Rachel. How many times do you have to make the same mistake with Finn before you realize it’s not going to work out.” Rachel wants to know why Quinn is being so mean and then Diana Argon gives the best performance she’s given yet on the show… She gets up from the piano, walks over to Rachel, stands face to face and tells Rachel that she doesn’t belong there and that she can’t hate her for helping Rachel for sending her on her way. When Rachel says she won’t give up on Finn, Quinn tells her that she’s living in a school girl fantasy and until she snaps out of it she’s “never gonna get it right.” Rachel holds back the tears just enough to Quinn she’s gonna write the song by herself. Then they cut to her squeezing out some tears and penning the lyrics to, you guessed, “Get It Right.” I hope it sounds like En Vogue’s “Never Gonna Get It.” But it wont…
Shue is adjusting his tie in the mirror getting ready to go to Regionals when Sue stops by to “drop a little turd-lette” on him. She says she forged the cease and desist from My Chemical Romance. Shue claims he’s glad she did cause they’re doing original songs. Sue counters with informing him she’s developed a customized set list based on this year’s panel of judges.
Smash cut to
Regionals, where they introduce the judges. We meet recent tea party candidate and homeschooler, Tammy Jean Albertson
Played by everybody’s favorite entergayner, Kathy Griffin!
Then we meet Sister Mary Constance, a former poll stripper turned nun.
Make it rain up in this church!
Course we already know local broadcast legend, Rod Remmington… Then they get right into ORAL Intensity’s performance. They sing a ska-like “Jesus Is A Friend Of Mine.” They receive a standing ovation but Rachel looks confused, which makes sense cause she’s Jewish. Back stage, Blaine tries to calm the nerves of a shaky Kurt. He’s never sung a solo in front of a competition audience. Blaine doesn’t have much time to console him though cause suddenly the curtain lifts and as promised they sing Hey Monday’s “Candles.” I haven’t heard this song before and I listened to it cause I actually really liked the Glee version. Guess what! I like the Glee version way more. I found Kurt’s voice to be much less shrill than the original singer’s. I also loved Blaine and Kurt’s harmony, it was too fricken adorable. Then they have to do something more of beat of course so Blaine takes the wheel again and the Warblers sing Pink’s “Raise Your Glass.” Which was fun. Unsurprising and fun. BTW, my favorite background Warbler?
Why the pudgy one of course. Look at how well he dances!
Nude Erections is next and Finn finds Rachel back stage for a leg breaking. She gives him a “last time we were here you told me you loved me.” To which he says, “I like your song.” Then Rachel spits out what we’ve seen in the promos a million times, “Listen carefully. I mean every word of it.” Then she walks onto stage by herself, stands in the the spotlight, and starts “Get It Right.” It sounds like the sort of inspiring ballad type song that would be in a movie about a team of astronauts that have to save Earth from a giant meteor. Then the band comes in, Britt and Tina walk on stage as back up, and Kurt turns to Blaine with a whisper crying, “they’re doing original songs!.” Suddenly the music crescendos and she gives a look to Finn off stage who’s already staring in awe. The song ends, Rachel announces “We’re the New Directions,” with tears welling in her eyes and a smile on her face. Oh goodie, next song. Wait. WHY is Rachel singing AGAIN? Alright, well now Finn’s singing at least but their original “Loser Like Me,” isn’t really doing it for me. It sounds sort of like a candyfied version of an Avril Lavigne song. I do like that they’re bring the “L” to forehead back though. That was a nice touch. The slushee glitter ending was another nice touch. As everyone is celebrating, Quinn looks over at Finn and Rachel like she’s going to murder the both of them when they’re sleeping later…
The judges are deliberating and they get on the subject of gay marriage cause they are arguing about whether or not a duet can be sung between two boys. Rodney says some nice things about his hairdresser and his hair dresser’s hairdresser boyfriend. Tammy Jean clearly wants to choose the Jesus endorsing Oral Intensity. Sister Constance calls out the obvious pandering and her and Rodney seem to be on the same page about Nude Erections being the winner.
A drunk Senator’s wife announces Nude Erections as the winner. They’re going to Nationals in New York! As the glang celebrates in slow motion Sue walks over to the Senator’s wife and knocks that foo’ on her tush!
The next day, Kurt and Blaine are burying Pavarotti. And they make sort of an off color joke about Kurt’s mom’s death. Kurt’s also upset that they lost but Blaine reminds him that at least they have each other… How much you wanna bet Kurt’s returning to McKinley next ep?
Shue’s walks into the choir room being all lovey dovey on the phone with Holiday. He gives the glang her “hello” and then awards Berry with an MVP trophy. She wants to say a few words and despite Santana’s concern that she’ll make them regret voting for her, she gives a really sweet thanks to glang and they all hug at THE END…
Wow, I do believe this ep holds the record for the most songs sung, eh? A few of them were shorter but there were so many it felt very opera-esque. Ooh! I wonder if they could do THAT ever? Probably not a good idea. Speaking of which, I’m still not quite sure writing original songs was a good idea either. It’s like if they decided half way through Moulin Rouge to throw in an original song, when the whole allure is reimagining and remixing songs that we already love. Like a found poem turned haiku… So, for me, this episode is how I feel about Wicked. I’d go see it again cause of the story, and the spectacle, and the sheer fact that I love musicals, but I wouldn’t buy the soundtrack… (How much do you hate me now? I hope you don’t. Cause I love you guys. And that’s why I have to be honest…)
Alright, my gleeloveds. Thanks for sticking with me.
Talk at you in a few weeks.
yours and everyone else’s,
Gline O’ the Week (Again by a non main cast member!)
“That Dalton Academy, is it a gay school or just a school that appears gay.” Sister Constance