Gossip Girl: A to Zoe

Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. It would figure that the best episode of the season would be followed by the WORST episode of the season. Why is it that writers always put so much energy into one episode, and then are too burned out the following week to cook up anything good? Ugh. Anyways, Blair’s 20th birthday set the stage for a number of ridiculous hijinks and shenanigans that proved these kids aren’t as “groan” up as they seem.

Last week’s ep ended with Rihanna’s “Love The Way You Lie” and then this week opens with “Only Girl In The World.” Hmm. While I appreciate the spirit, enthusiasm, and timeliness of the picks, let’s try to mix up a lil, shall we, Music Supervisor?

Slutina’s in Colin’s office, presumably during morning office hours, trying to learn a little about his background (he grew up poor on a boat in Maine, he’s a self-made billionaire, his family is “adrift in more ways than one.”) Unfortch, she and Colin seem more preoccupied with hair-twirling and tie adjusting as they flirt their asses off. The editor keeps throwing in “salacious” close ups of juicy lips and leering eyes. Ugh. It’s gross overkill. We get it!

World’s Deadliest Snatch.

Piggy little Blair is squealing to her mom Eleanor over breakfast about her ginormous 20th birthday soiree. Cyrus can’t make it (inconceivable!) but he did leave a gift – a big, old, fat book. Um, really? What a snoozefest. If Blair weren’t such a megalomaniac who already had everything she wanted, she’d be asking for a gift receipt.

Dorota’s like, “Miss Blair get book? Worst gift ever!”

The Humphrey men, plus Eric, go for a stroll down the street with their prop coffee cups. I can’t help but laugh at how old and disheveled Roofus has become. And why are Dan and Eric dressed like the Bobsey Twins? This scene is pure filler info: Manessa is back from visiting her parents, can’t get back into student housing, and has to shack up with Dan. Also, it’s Roofus and Lily’s anniversary and they plan to lay low this year despite Eric’s burning desire to decorate a fabulous event for them.

What is this? A page from the J. Crew catalog?

LAMEST PLOT WARNING: In the worst plot line of the season (perhaps the entire series) Nate and Slutina decide to take it upon themselves to stage an intervention / peace treaty signing between waring exes, Blair and Upchuck. No, seriously. Like Chuck is France and Blair is – I dunno, some really fat country. If either of them breaks the ceasefire, they will be excommunicated by their friends. What a larf! And Slutina as “legal” council? Come on! The peace treaty is drawn up, with one final, mysterious clause that only Upchuck and Blair are privy to. Zzz.

Upchuck and Blair look as disgusted by this storyline as I am.

In an equally shameful storyline, bitchy little Eric convinces self-righteous Dan to give Upchuck and Blair a taste of their own medicine for screwing with Little J. Ok, hold the phone! Dan just gave Little J a ration of shiz last week for turning to the dark side, and all of a sudden he’s taking it upon himself to stir the pot and go toe-to-toe with Team Bluck? What a hypocrite! Dan then hatches a scheme to spread a lie on Gossip Girl about Blair hooking up with Upchuck’s nefarious Uncle Jack.

“An apple a day won’t keep ME away!”

“I like your thinkin’, little bro!”

Upchuck and Blair part ways at their respective limos and just miss each other’s wishful looks. Yawn.

Juliet stalks Slutina and “casually” pries into her budding romance with her professor. She then plants the seeds of doubt that any man could stay celibate for 6 more weeks, even for a “hottie” like Slutina. Funbags McGee is pissed, and when she sees Colin helping a woman out of a cab in front of his brownstone, she assumes the worst. (Hold up! Why is he catching cabs in front of her busy building when he lives in a quiet brownstone? Inconsistent much?!) Slutina flies into a rage – only to discover the girl was just the maid. HA! Jealous of the help! Classic. Colin rewards her insecurity by telling her that he’ll be at Blair’s birthday party as a guest of the Dean. Oh, GAWD. That’s not a coincidence. It’s a contrivance.

It’s gonna take Ilana DAYS to scrub down that flithy ho bag, Serena.

Dan stops by Upchuck’s, and tries to get his scheme on, but unfortch Blair is there – and two steps ahead, saying she couldn’t have hooked up with Jack in the south of France last summer because he was really in Chile. This catches Upchuck’s attention. Hmm. I’m almost too bored to care.

Slutina calls Juliet (why?!) and asks her to help play her chastity chaperone at Blair’s birthday, so that she doesn’t throw her eager beaver in Colin’s face. Juliet happily agrees.

Gunn Hall? Is that supposed to be a kiss-ass nod to last week’s cameo, Tim Gunn?

When lunk-head Nate leaves a copy of Upchuck and Blair’s peace treaty casually lying around, Dan gets a case of the sticky fingers and swipes it for his own illicit plan.

Slutina tells Nate that Juliet’s gonna be her beaver buffer, and Nate convinces her that he’d make a better cockblocker, so Slutina 86′s Juliet’s devious little plan to crash Blair’s bash. Juliet quickly texts Colin with a favor…

While Blair goes ape-shit on a bouquet of gladiolas, her mom asks if she would mind sharing her big night with Roofus and Lily’s anniversary. Blair semi-graciously agrees.

Eric scoffs at Blair and Upchuck’s big secret, but Dan goes full-tilt schitzo and decides to embarrass them at the birthday party.

Raisin-face stylist Rachel Zoe and Elle magazine’s dim bulb editor Joe Zee make vomit-inducing cameos at Blair’s shindig.

“Zee!”
“Zoe!”
How many Z’s are in this picture? I dunno … but here’s 3 more: Zzz.

Birthday Blair looks like a fat Grecian goddess in this hideous red dress. She kisses the Dean’s ass, and they make a lunch date. Meanwhile, Lily looks FAB (now that Kelly Rutherford has lost that baby weight) but where oh where did her boobs go?! She looks flat as a pancake!

Juliet and Colin slither in together, and try to part ways before anyone sees them together. Oops! Too late! Nate was lurking around the corner and saw them!

Slutina enlists Nate as her buffer to keep her away from Colin, which only makes Dan jealous and he goes to sulk at the cheese table. Nate storms off when he sees Juliet. And Blair gets huffy that Slutina is consorting with Juliet. Meanwhile, Slutina is undeniably hot for teacher and doing everything not to drop her panties right then and there on the dance floor.

Check out the over-eager ‘extra’ on the left with the crazy eyes. Securritay!

Like a dog in heat…

Dan runs into Lily and Roofus and tries to convince them to go home – before they witness his devious little plan in action.

Upchuck breezes into the party and confronts Blair with his suspicions about Uncle Jack.

Cynthia Rowley rounds out the triumverate of shameless cameos, sporting a very dykey haircut and a miniskirt that’s WAY too short for her elevnty year-old legs.

Nice mosaic blouse, grandma.

Colin passes a note to Slutina telling her to meet him upstairs. Meanwhile, Nate confronts Colin and asks him if he is “Ben.” Colin then confronts Juliet and chews her out for seeing Ben. Wait, aren’t the three of them in cahoots together? No? Hmm. The plot thickens. And it thickens even more when Nate and Blair spy Colin and Juliet having an argument.

Ruh roh! Juliet gets SCHOOLED!

Nate confronts Juliet and she finally comes clean – she claims Colin is her cousin and she kept it a secret because he is a professor and she is a student. Why is that such a big secret? When Nate tells her that Colin is the professor that Slutina is getting moist for, Juliet seems genuinely shocked. I’m so confused now.

Dorota’s boozy birthday toast for Blair is interrupted by guest singer Robyn, who, thanks to Dan’s scheming, has brought with her a video of Blair drunk off her ass in Stockholm and singing badly. Wait a dang minute. THIS is the big secret in the peace treaty? That’s NOTHING! That’s like a regular Friday night for me.

Were the writers poking fun at Leighton Meester’s shiteous “singing” career?

Anyways, Blair flies into a rage and pushes a waiter, who knocks over Rachel Zoe, who accidentally knocks the chocolate fondue all over her head. No, seriously. I couldn’t make this crap up if I tried.

I DIE. (Of laughter!)

Blair assumes that Upchuck ruined her party, and screams her head off at him. She says she only knew that Jack was in Chile because she hired a PI to track down Chuck. Chuck denies having a hand in the video, and just as Dan’s scheme is working, the moron steps forward and admits that he is the real mastermind behind everything. Blair is shocked that Dan messed with her, but not as shocked as Roofus, who seems utterly disappointed in Dan. Dan feels like a heel. I feel like gouging my eyes out. This is the hottest mess of an episode of GG EVER!

Why is everyone always color-coordinated at these events?

Juliet calls Ben, and it’s lucky that he keep a mobile pay phone in the back pocket of his orange jumpsuit. She freaks out that Colin has no idea what they are up to! And the fact that he’s seeing Slutina only seems to complicate things, because Colin pays for her rent and tuition. Ben urges her to stay the course and get proof of Slutina having an affair with her professor so they can destroy her.

“Well, Regis, I’d like to phone a friend.”

Eleanor does her best to cheer up her chunky, forlorn daughter. Meanwhile, Roofus and Lily come home to an apartment filed with paper flowers. Of course, Lily assumes her gay son did the decorating, but it turns out Dan was responsible. Across town, Dan comes home to find Manessa’s waiting vagenicals. Ugh. This episode just keeps getting worse!

Paper roses for Lily? Don’t make me barf!

Slutina and Colin give in to their carnal hunger, and start smooching passionately, completely unaware that double-crossing Juliet is filming their fling on a hidden camera!!!

Talk about an Easy A!

Long after the party is over, Chuck is still lurking about, lying in wait to trade barbs with Blair and rip up the treaty in her face. Just when I think the episode can’t POSSIBLY get any worse, the inevitable happens: Blair and Chuck’s mutual hatred turns into hot, torrid sex. But not the good kind! This cringe-worthy sex scene is poorly acted, and even more poorly edited! It’s not even the good kind of cheesy, like an episode of Silk Stalkings. It’s sloppy and ugly. It’s just BAD.

David and Liza, eat your heart out!

Not sexy.

Sex on the piano?! Her mother is just upstairs!!

Ok, my Gasmii, so what did you think? Was I the only one racing to the toilet to puke afterwards? Leave your comments! You know you love me! Xoxo, Gossip Slife