Gossip Girl: All About Eva

Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. This week was a fairly typical offering. Instead of ever seeing the kids go to school, they all played dress up for Upchuck’s gala charity event. And it wouldn’t be a proper Upper East side party without lies, betrayal, backstabbing, scheming, love triangles, hurt feelings, bad puns, and really bad fashion, (I’m looking at you, Slutina and Manessa!)

The episode opens with Gossip Girl musing how Upchuck has suddenly become very philanthropic and generous with his money. Clearly, Eva is having a positive influence on him. It’s like Extreme Makeover: Soul Edition.

Upchuck’s like, “Don’t touch me with your oily hands, old timer!”

Upchuck rewards Eva by bestowing some ritzy titsy diamond Cartier watch on her, which Blair is horrified to read about on Gossip Girl’s website. PS, GG is getting MAYJAH play this year. She is reporting nonstop, and the writers have really beefed up her involvement in the plotlines. Anyways, Dorota delivers my fave line: “How can she see time through all that sparkly?” LOL.

Dorota’s like, “Who do I have to go down on to get a watch like that?!”

Blair is jelly like a donut, and assumes that Eva has an angle. New roomie Slutina tells her not to dwell, but those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones! Blair discovers that Slutina’s been following Nate and Juliet and “Humphrey and Dumpty” via GG. S and B make a gentleman’s agreement to lay off the spy work for a change. HA! You know that won’t last two seconds!

Meanwhile, the honeymoon’s over for new roomies Dan and Manessa, as she chides him for not changing his shirt in the past three days. Okay, mom!

Juliet arrives at Nate and Upchuck’s pad, just as Ivan, the new man servant, has finished setting up breakfast for Eva. Upchuck hopes everyone can come to his gala charity event that night on the roof of the Empire, where he will be announcing some lucky charity recipient of his $5 million donation! DAYUM! Juliet commends Eva for inspiring Upchuck to be such a do-gooder. Eva shrugs. “Old Chuck, new Chuck, bad Chuck, good Chuck!” Groan. Who’s writing this crap? Dr. Seuss?!

No self respecting French woman would ever shovel pastries in her mouth like that!

Nate expresses his concerns about Juliet to Upchuck – how she’s evasive, mysterious, and hard to make plans with. Upchuck assumes she’s seeing someone else. As if Nate isn’t paranoid enough already, Juliet makes up some lame excuse about having to help a neighbor who’s locked out and dashes off, leaving Nate looking more dumbfounded than usual.

Manessa thinks Dan is down in the dumps with post-partum depression after losing his “son” Milo, so she, Roofus, and Lily stage an emotional intervention for him. Groan! What hippies! They confront Dan about his recent melancholia. Manessa: The other day I caught you watching Wild Hogs and actually laughing!” LOL. Wow, her first funny! Dan gets a case of “The Humphreys” and grumps that he’s fine, then says he’s off to go see Nate.

“Not Wild Hogs! This is worse than we thought!”

Slutina is checking GG (there goes their pact!) and she sees that Blair is at Cartier (that didn’t last long!) so she calls up B and chews her out. Blair says she’s there to fix her broken watch … then proceeds to smash it violently on the counter. LOL. Randomly, Blair spots Eva at Cartier, and is horrified to see her returning Upchuck’s glittery gift for cold, hard cash!!

Natch, Blair drops by Upchuck’s later for a little visit under the guise of tea and scones, provided by Ivan again. Who is this ass clown?! They trade a few pleasantries and barbs before Blair asks Eva for the time, and asks to see her Cartier watch. Eva fibs and says the watch is being resized. Um, returned is more like it! Blair calls her bluff and shows Upchuck her camera phone proof. When Upchuck calls her on it, she explains that she gave the money to Ivan so that the bank wouldn’t foreclose on his mother’s house. Blair cringes when bleeding-heart Chuck falls for her gift of goodwill, and her scheme goes up in flames!

Busted!!! Well, almost…

Instead of going to Nate’s, Dan stops by Slutina’s and invites her for a walk in the park. Ok, what is she wearing?! A denim blazer with shoulder pads?! A silver sequined mini? She looks like the Hunchback of Notre Dame – only slutty. I can see her at the gates of Fashion Week now crying out, “Sanctuary!”

Ugh! My eyes!!

Blair calls Slutina to grouse about her latest scheme’s epic fail. She isn’t pleased that S is hanging out with Dan, but points out that he could prove useful in her NEW scheme! She tells them to wait near a computer while she texts them “clues.” Oh, brother! What hackneyed plan is she cooking up now?!

Upchuck finds Nate surfing GG’s website as well, and he’s saddened to discover that Juliet was “spotted” around town on a night she told him she had too much homework. Nate assumes Upchuck is right, and she MUST be seeing someone else. Groan! How immature.

Blair is playing “nice” with Eva as they search for a charity for Upchuck to donate to. Bliar points out that rescue dogs are much cuter than kids with cleft palettes, and I couldn’t agree MORE! LOL. Now that they’re besties, she wants Eva to tell her all about her life, and the dumb Frenchie starts spilling her “secrets” about where she grew up, etc. Blair meanwhile texts the “intel” to Slutina, while Dan “researches” the validity of her story on the web. REALLY?! This is so idiotic! Even Slutina apologizes to Dan for dragging him into this lame plotline. But, of course, Dan is having too much fun staring at Funbags McGee’s legs to complain.

I’m glad the college tuition money their parents are paying is really going to good use here.

Eva prattles on about how she worked to send money home to her poor family, blah blah blah, and how she saved Chuck’s life when she found him in the seedy red light district of Prolovka. Meanwhile, Dan admits that he lied to Manessa about seeing Slutina because he still has feelings for her. OMG! Still?! Get over it already!

Juliet sneaks up on Nate, who’s still spying on her whereabouts via GG. When he gives her the cold shoulder, she knows something’s up, and he asks her if she’s seeing anyone else. She denies it of course, and claims she was just visiting someone. Just then, fugtastic Manessa shows up looking for Dan – who obvi lied about his whereabouts and isn’t there!

Blair comes home and is bitching about Eva when Slutina and Dan drop a delicious bombshell – turns out Eva is a prostitute!!! WHOA! I knew something was up with her, but I didn’t see that one coming! PS, I love how easy it was for Dan to find Eva’s website just by typing in “Prolovka brothel.” It’s equal parts lame and genius. Blair squeals like a pig at the idea of announcing this new tidbit at Upchuck’s gala.

I guess in Europe the whores don’t find it necessary to come up with fake, classy names such as “Tiffany” or “Candy.”

Dan goes home and has a Humphrey heart to heart with his old man, who tells him he needs to be honest with Manessa about his feelings for Slutina since they are living together now. Nate calls in a bromantic huff and gives him the heads up that Manessa is trolling the town looking for him. (He tried to cover by saying she just missed him.) Dan then spills the beans to Nate about Eva being a prostitute, despite telling Blair he’d keep it hush hush. I love how everyone is so good at keeping their word. HA!

Juliet has now befriended Manessa, and as they go for a walk down Fifth Avenue carrying empty prop coffee cups, Manessa tells her that she knows Dan used Nate as a cover for spending time with Slutina. Juliet suggests she confront Slutina…

Nate wastes no time in betraying Dan’s trust and blabs to Upchuck that Eva is a big fat whore and that Blair plans to ruin her at the gala tonight. Upchuck laughs that he’s known she’s a prosty all along, but clearly, he is DEVASTATED by the news.

Slutina calls Dan and invites him to the gala. Of course he says yes. She then checks herself out in the mirror. BARF! What the hell is this latest fashion disaster?! Hooker red spaghetti straps with cutouts under the boobs?! Is she intentionally trying to look like trash?!

Slutina didn’t earn her nickname lightly!

Upchuck goes to confront Eva as she is getting dressed. She can tell by his face that she is royally f^*#ed – only this time, she won’t be getting paid!

Busted!!! For real this time!

Juliet asks Nate to check their coats while she does “a lap” of the party with Manessa. That was probably the most real dialogue I’ve heard this whole episode. Of course, Nate is then privy to a text on Juliet’s phone from “Ben” saying he needs to see her. Ruh roh!

Playing second fiddle, Archibald?

S and B arrive. Forget Eva – Slutina is the one who looks like a whore! Blair actually looks pretty glam. Lily comes up to them, holding a manilla envelope and looking for Upchuck. She says the Paris police sent his stolen effects (money clip, passport) and she’s been meaning to return them. (So random this MUST be a plot point!) Slutina suggests she give the envelope to Ivan – who’s lurking in the corner. LOL.

Blair blows a gasket when she sees Upchuck and Eva posing for pics, so she confronts her ex-Basshole, who once agains foils her scheme by telling her he knows the truth already, and tells her she’s just pissy that she wasn’t the woman who changed his heart. Touche!

Dan finds Slutina up on the roof and compliments her whoretastic outfit – just as his jealous ball-and-chain gf Manessa walks up. LOL. Manessa rips into Dan for acting like a child and apologizes that she’s not as “fun” as Tits McGee Van der Woodsen, then storms off.

Smirk all you want, S. You still look like poo.

“Ben needs to see you,” Nate bitterly tells Juliet, and storms off before she can explain.

Chuck gets up to deliver his speech and informs everyone that he will be donating $5 million to a new charity – The Eva Coupo Foundation – named after the amazingly generous woman who inspires him, and the money is at her discretion to donate. OMFG! Blair’s jaw hits the floor. She immediately snaps into bitch mode, hunts down Ivan, and sneakily takes Chuck’s passport… then tells Upchuck she found it in Eva’s suitcase, thus “proving” that she’s known all along who Chuck really was, and she’s just been playing him for a fool. Go, Blair!

Slutina offers her slutty shoulder for Nate to cry on now that he’s having troubles with Juliet. Dan sees this and gets another case of the Humphreys.

Chuck finds his passport in Eva’s bag where Blair planted it. Eva comes in and pleads her innocence. Her recent string of white lies doesn’t help her case, and Upchuck icily tells her to pack her bag of tricks (pun intended) and leave.

Chuck was born in 1991?! God, I feel OLD!

Dan asks Slutina if she came home from Paris with her mind made up, and when she says no, he realizes that he’s “overlooked” what an amazing thing he has with Manessa, and storms off. Slutina can’t believe that she is constantly being rejected this season. LOL.

Lily finds Upchuck drowning his sorrows at the bar, and asks if he got his passport et. al. via Ivan yet. Upchuck realizes Blair’s betrayal, and races upstairs, hoping it’s not too late to stop his beloved Eva from leaving. Zzz.

Chuck finds Eva packing, and admits he was a Basshole for believing Blair over her. Eva admits that he will always have a stronger connection to Blair. She kisses him au revoir, and walks out, leaving Upchuck feeling abandoned for the millionth time in his life. LOL.

Juliet confesses to Nate that Ben is her troubled brother, and he’s been a source of contention in all her relationships. Nate forgives her (what a sucker!) and she invites him over to her apartment – at long last! Oh, really?! Really? This ought to be good.

Dan mopes over Milo’s crib and then apologizes to Manessa. Of course, they hug it out like hippies and return to being “Danessa.”

Look at her man hands!

Consumed with rage, Chuck confronts Blair about her dastardly deed. He clings to the slim chance she did it because she still loves him, but Blair refuses to admit as such. Chuck: “This means war, Blair. Me versus you. No limits.” Wow! I just got chills! This episode kinda sucked, but now I’m looking forward to WW3!

All that Bass money and you’d think he could afford some lipo and dental work. Or atleast a gym membership?

Juliet and Nate are walking into a nice lobby (huh?!) when the bellman tells Ms. Sharp that he has a package for her. Juliet tells Nate to hold the elevator. The bellman then gives Juliet a key and warns her that real owners will be back in 2 days! (Nice! Well played, Big J!) She slips him a hundy, smirks at the camera, then makes out with Nate in the elevator.

Chuck comes home and summarily fires Ivan for being a total dumbass. LOL. Adios, retard. I hope saving your mom’s house was worth losing your job.

Slutina is pissed she doesn’t have a boy to bone, and when Blair crawls into bed with her in tears, she supposes comforting her friend will have to do for the night.

You made your bed, ladies. Now lie in it!

So… what did you think of the episode? Certainly not their finest hour. But there were some good twists with Eva and Juliet. And now we (supposedly) know who Ben is! Predictions for how Chuck will try to ruin Blair? Leave your comments! Xoxo, Gossip Slife