Gossip Girl: Brawl In The Family

Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. It has been six long weeks since we were treated to a fresh installment of Serena and Blair’s Upper East Side dramz, and unfortunately, absence has not made the heart grow fonder. The new year brought a new episode, which struggled to find its footing amidst a dearth of growing pains. Similarly, everyone seemed to be struggling with parental issues amidst a sea of silly subplots.

The episode opens with Gossip Girl cooing about new years and new resolutions. Dan seems to have traded in his customary hipster Brooklyn uniform for a more dapper, tailored suit. It seems hanging out at the French cinema with Blair over Winter Break has rubbed off on young Humphrey.

Meanwhile, Serena has returned home from her search for Judge Stevens empty-handed, only to be held captive by Blair, who is prattling on about some covetous internship she wants with Forbes’ sixth wealthiest woman, Indra Nooyi. Yawn. She acts awfully suspicious though when Serena asks her if she saw Dan over break…

Chuck is also back home, with two busty flight attendants and a whole lot of exposition in tow: it seems he wasn’t able to find Uncle Jack in New Zealand, so he’s going to try to chum up to his dad’s old business partner, Russell Thorpe, who’s in town from Chicago.

Nate informs Chuck via phone that his newly-paroled papa is shirking all sense of fatherly duty, and rather than go out and find a job, he’s running up bills all over town and playing Wii with the hotel maids.

There are no words for how gross Mr. Archibald has become.

Dan tells Serena that Manessa is moving back into the dorms (blessed be!) and then acts awkward and suspicious when she asks him about Blair. Hmm. Did these two do more than share popcorn at the movies?! Dan and Serena walk into brunch – only to find that Lily has returned from Santa Barbara, presumably to continue being a bitch and wreaking havoc.

Blair bitches to her minions about tracking down Indra’s whereabouts. Just then, her lovely mother Eleanor breezes in and casually offers Blair the opportunity that a thousand girls would kill for: an internship at Eleanor Waldorf. Blair, being the snatch that she is, completely dismisses the idea as if her mother had suggested she take up knitting or the custodial arts. Luckily, Dorota (who has no funny lines in this ep) points out that Eleanor JUST HAPPENS to be dressing Indra for an event that very day. HOW CONVENIENT. (Note sarcasm and major eye rolling.)

Chuck rolls into Thorpe’s glam office, spots the one black chick in the room, and immediately assumes she’s some sort of lowly assistant, and asks for a coffee. Gotta love that vaguely racist Upper East Side ‘tude. Said black chick cops some ‘tude of her own, tells Chuck that “a deal” to buy Bass Industries is being fast tracked, and that she’ll see him later at Thorpe’s party.

Samantha Mumba, is that you?!

Roofus tries to broker a family truce at brunch, but Serena isn’t swallowing any of her mother’s BS, and storms off. Dan chases her like the wet rag that he is. And Eric, being the anorexic twinkie that he is, runs screaming from the table as well. Roofus goes to get the check, and Lily quickly makes a phone call to Judge Stevens, thanking him for coming to the city, and telling him he can return to his ranch now.

Thwarting your daughter’s attempts to locate Judge Stevens? What a bitch!

Dan tries to be a comforting shoulder for Serena, but he’s interrupted by Upchuck who pulls up in his limo (come on!) and whisks Serena away on some ludicrous blackmail scheme of his to stop Lily from selling Bass Industries out from under him.

Nate tries to politely cajole his dad into getting his act together and finding a job. Unfortch, Mr. Archibald would rather chase after some random pussy through Central Park.

Stalker much?!

Dan shows up at the Waldorf’s to meet Serena, who’s preoccupied with Chuck’s lame scheme. He and Blair have a lovely tete-a-tete however, and place a friendly wager: $10 says that he will miss his precious internship interview waiting on Serena’s inconsiderate ass, versus $10 that Blair’s lame scheme involving Indra Nooyi will blow up in her face. For once, the writer’s have hit the self-referential nail on the head! $20 says BOTH will happen!

Blair kisses up to her poor mother and tells her that she has reconsidered the internship, and would love to work for her mother – perhaps in the capacity of delivering Indra Nooyi’s outfit personally. In a hilarious twist, Eleanor scoffs in Blair’s face, and says that is out of the question, and instead tasks her with another client.

What was that about a plan blowing up in Blair’s pudgy face??

Upchuck has swiped Lily’s passport and cons Serena to dress up as her mother so they can break into her safety deposit box. There they discover a copy of the forged affidavit that could help set Ben free. Naturally, Dan misses his internship waiting around on Serena, who’s a total no-show.

Upchuck confronts Lily at her posh manse, where she tries to explain that Bass Industries was in trouble, but she managed to find a private buyer who will keep Chuck’s dad’s legacy intact and give Chuck a chance to rebuild his own empire. Chuck assumes the private buyer is Russell Thorpe, but Lily plays coy, saying only that this is a precarious deal that needs to happen quickly before Bass Industries falls into the hands of some corrupt higher bidder.

Blair guilt trips Serena for standing up poor Dan (the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes that day!) and then swipes Indra’s outfit. Chuck calls Serena to tell her that he kinda believes Lily has good intentions after all, and suggests they put a halt to the scheming.

Roofus and Lily are dressed to the nines for Russell Thorpe’s annual shindig. Roofus wonders why the name ‘Russell Thorpe’ sounds so familiar. Lily wonders why she’s only now starting to drink at four in the afternoon.

Guzzle up, Pooh Bear!

Snotty little Eric refuses to go to the party and support his mother, so she takes another swig of champs and storms out. The phone rings, and Eric trots over, only to be informed by the concierge of The Palace that the guest his mother was hosting, Judge Stevens, left a pair of cufflinks in his room.

When Eleanor discovers Indra’s dress is missing, she quickly puts the pieces of the puzzle together, and realizes that she’s just been played a fool by her own daughter. Since poor Dorota is the only one around, she is forced to take the brunt of her ire.

If looks could kill!

Blair charms the manager of Indra’s hotel into letting her into Indra’s suite. But alas, the room is empty save for a note pinned to a dress form.

You mess with the bull, you get the horns, B!

Serena apologizes to Dan for standing him up. Just then, Eric calls and tells her that Lily was hiding Judge Stevens away from her. Enraged, Serena grabs the affidavit and Dan, and heads to Russell Thorpe’s party for an epic throwdown!

There’s some cheesy big band music and a lot of poorly dressed extras milling about at the party. Indeed, this is one of the worst soirees I’ve ever seen on Gossip Girl. And yet, all the kids happen to have gotten invited. Whooda thunk?!

Upchuck bumps into the saucy black chick, who’s name is Raina – Raina THORPE! Yup! She’s Russell’s well-educated, right hand man at the company AND his daughter! Boy, is Chuck’s face red! You’d think he’d have a dossier on Thorpe’s family…

Guess who’s coming to dinner… and going to eat you alive?

Upchuck tries to kiss up to Russell since he thinks he’s the private buyer. But Russell says he knows nothing of the deal. In fact, he was Bart Bass’ friend… until Bart kicked him out of every deal, and finally out of town, too. Ruh roh! Sounds like Thorpe’s got an axe to grind!

Eric surprises his mom, and shows off his lovely new cufflinks – that he borrowed from Judge Stevens! LOL. Lily realizes that Serena is about to ambush her, and turns a sickly shade of green.

Eleanor chastises Blair for using her to advance her own selfish internship pipe dreams. Blair contends that she has to look out for her own future lest she end up like her mother. Eleanor is so stung by Blair’s insensitivity, that she says she wouldn’t want someone so childish to follow in her footsteps, and fires Blair on the spot. Um, no offense, but they are VERY nice footsteps to follow in! Is Blair on crack?

Poor mamacita! I wanna follow in your footsteps!

Serena and Upchuck reconvene, and decide to give the affidavit to a Post reporter. Dan tries to persuade Serena to reconsider, but she’s too hellbent on revenge to listen to reason.

The kids circle the wagons once again, just like their public stoning of Juliet.

Lily is horrified that Serena would try to publicly destroy her. Just as the plan seems to be working, the reporter returns and asks why he has a copy of Dan Humphrey’s resume. Seems Lonely Boy switched the manila envelopes on Serena when she wasn’t looking. Lily is furious at how close she came to being ruined, and has it out with Serena while Raina watches from the sidelines. Lily still maintains that she’s working in everyone’s best interests, and asks them to trust her for once.

Nate has it out with his dad, and accuses him of being a lazy oaf. Zzz.

Dan and Blair try to settle up on their bet, and Dan gives Blair some sagely advice. He tells her that deep down she is an evil dictator of taste. Why deny that just because that’s what her mother does? Blair actually cracks a smile.

Cutest scene of the episode.

Lily confesses to Chuck that she let him believe Thorpe was the buyer because he seemed comforted by the idea, and she needed him placated so the deal could go through, but alas, she failed. Someone (Raina) tipped off the buyer that there was some family squabbling going on, and they ran scared in the other direction. Now Bass Industries is headed for the auction block…

JUST THEN, Russell Thorpe clinks his glass so that he can make a grand announcement to all his guests. Not only is Thorpe’s business moving back to NYC, but they plan on setting their sights on taking down Bass Industries! “Here’s to new friends… and inevitable enemies,” gloats Thorpe. Okay, it was kinda delicious! And very well shot, I might add.

They’re no Ben and Juliet, but I’m enjoying this new devious, dynamic duo.

A toast to the douchebags.

Later that night, Blair attempts an apology with her mom. When Blair credits “a friend” with dubbing her a dictator of taste, Eleanor has a stroke of genius, and suggests that Blair look into a possible career as an editrix of a high-powered fashion mag. Ohh! Now THAT storyline REEKS of potential!! Talk about a job a MILLION girls would kill for!

Dan returns the affidavit to Serena, and the two have their millionth convo about will-they-or-won’t-they pursue a full-blown relationship. Obvi they love each other, but they push it off yet again… GROAN!

Nate calls his dad, all pissy and moany because the parole officer can’t find him. Nate doesn’t believe that his dad is really at a late night job interview, and hangs up the phone. Mr. Archibald turns around, and toasts to his new employer – RUSSELL THORPE! Mwahahahaha! What a genius twist.

Hey! Save some for the whales! And by that, I mean Lily!

As Dan scampers out, he runs into Blair, who basically invites herself along to see another French film with Lonely Boy. I know they keep trading barbs like frenemies, but I’m LOVING that these two are developing a budding romance of sorts! It’s about time we get a fresh, new couple on this show!

Serena drops by the prison to see Ben, but he’s already been released that very night – courtesy of a Judge Stevens! Whoa! Does this mean that Lily really DID have good intentions all along? Ok, but then why the cloak and dagger?? Why not just tell Chuck and Serena what she was up to all along?! It would have saved everyone A LOT of grief!

Just as I predicted, Lily is hitting the sauce pretty hard. She takes an extra big gulp when Roofus admits that he recognized Russell Thorpe’s name from her LONG list of lovers last season. (Well played, writers!) Oh, great! He’s a spurned ex-lover, to boot? This is getting juicy…

Mmm.  Scotch.  Just the way mom used to make it.

Raina comes clean to Chuck that she and her daddy tipped off the buyer so they could get their paws on Bass Industries. And while he appreciates her honesty, he’d rather drown his sorrows. Raina makes a bold play for Chuck’s pants, by giving him a one-time-only offer to come home with her. Chuck quickly succumbs to jungle fever, and chases after the sultry vixen.

Serena bumps into Ben outside the prison, as he’s conveniently waiting for the bus. REALLY?! She offers to buy him a cup of coffee. Hopefully, for Ben’s sake, she’s really offering to have sex with him, and the two stroll off down Skid Row together. LOL.

The poor guy’s been locked up for four years! I think he’s thirsty for something stronger than coffee…

So, what did you think of tonight’s ep? Was it well worth the wait? Personally, I didn’t think so. However, to be fair, it felt like they were setting up A LOT of good, potential story lines for the weeks to come. So much intrigue, and backstabbing, and bed-hopping… I can’t wait! As always, please leave your comments! You know you love me! Xoxo, Gossip Slife