Gossip Girl: Bursting at the Schemes

Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. All I can say is, WOW! What a difference a day makes! Major kudos to the writers for getting back to basics and finally delivering an episode worthy of my love and admiration. Speaking of love, ‘V’ may be for Vendetta, but it also stands for the way in which this Valentine’s-themed episode roared back with a Vengeance! Cupid’s arrow deftly pierced through all the pre-requisites of a stellar installment: scheming, back-stabbing, wit, wisdom, humor, and heart.

The episode opens with Slutina bemoaning the fact that bestie Blair is too busy with her job at W to hang with her anymore. The two gals decide to push all thoughts of boys aside (adios, Chuck and Ben!) and spend Valentine’s together celebrating the three M’s: mani’s, macaroons, and massages. Now that’s my kind of V-Day!

I’m loving Blair’s structured gold jacket!! It’s very Lady Gaga – meets – Amanda Woodward.

Russell and Raina accept Upchuck and Lily’s invitation to brunch at the Van der Woodsen manse. Both families agree to put their differences aside for once and play nice / break bread.

Dan tries to chum up to his new roomy, Ben, and offers him some dating advice on Slutina. And since Ben’s prison record prevents him from finding a legit job, Dan throws him a bone and hooks him up with a friend’s catering gig. In turn, Ben flatters Dan’s writing, and urges him to submit his short story to Epperly’s replacement at W. (Uh oh! Dan has no clue that Blair’s assumed that role!)

Is it just me, or did Ben’s head get all misshapen (read: ugly) since he got out of jail?

Blair’s annoying co-worker announces that W is starting a new monthly feature that follows an It-Girl. Annoying Girl wants to exploit Blair’s friendship with Slutina to land the blonde bimbo as their first It-Girl. But Blair one-ups her and suggests they set their sights on media-recluse Raina Thorpe. “Daughter of Russell?” asks Annoying Girl. Yes, bitch! And stop talking like you’re in Elizabethan England.

Who is this chick?! I thought she was an intern?!

Blair calls Slutina and begs her to cross enemy lines into her mother’s house and chum up to Raina so she can land her for the article and impress the W brass. Slutina however sees right through this scheme as a way for Blair to keep tabs on Raina and Chuck on Valentine’s Day.

Viva La Blair!

After Russell makes some lame sexual innuendo to Lily about frittatas (ew) Chuck moves in for the kill, and tells Russell about his plan to throw a lavish Valentine’s party in order to prove that the Bass name still holds some cache and equity. If the party is a success, he wants the Bass hotels to remain independent of Thorpe’s company umbrella. Russell agrees to the terms and shakes Chuck’s hand.

Slutina breezes in, blows off her mother, and puts Raina on the phone with Blair. Slutina confides to Upchuck that she knows he’s playing Raina for a fool, but he catches her off guard when he admits that (gasp!) he’s developed genuine feelings for her!! Ruh roh! What’s Blair gonna do when she finds out?! You can smell the epic train wreck a mile away, which is why this ep’s off to a great start!

Brr! It’s cold in here!!

Slutina and Ben gab via phone about Valentine’s cliches (ice!) before he tells her the good news that he got a job! She immediately assumes it’s as a teacher, tutor, or research assistant. Bensitive has too much pride to tell her he’s slumming it as a cater waiter, and lies instead.

Poor little poor boy.

Nate and Captain ArchiBALD rush to Upchuck’s penthouse suite to tell him the latest goss: despite Russell’s gentleman’s agreement, he’s still meeting with investors that very afternoon to go over plans to dismantle Bass Industries! Furthermore, ArchiBALD ran the numbers, and Bass Industries is more profitable as a whole than broken up. So why is Thorpe being such an asshole? Chuck is understandably irate.

Slutina is suddenly Raina’s new Biffle, (she did the same with Juliet!) and the two are shopping for Valentine’s gowns at yummy Ralph Lauren for Chuck’s party. Raina confides that her feelings for Upchuck are just as genuine as his. Then, for some random reason, Slutina betrays Blair’s confidence, and warns her against doing the W article, lest Blair’s smoldering feelings for Chuck cause some V-Day awkwardness. Um, what a bitch!! She just 86-ed Blair’s potential (and “totally realistic”) second week promotion!! LOL.

One of these things is not like the other…

Dan shows up at W and is horrified to find out that Blair is the new Epperly. She balks at his request to send his article to Details, and he reminds her that he kind of got her that job; after he got her fired, she fires back! She also reminds him that seeing five movies together does not make them friends. Whoa! It jumped from 2 to 5?! I love how these two are subtly moving from frenemies to … something more! Hehe.

Is Dan wondering what Blair looks like naked under that gold jacket?

Blair cracks a joke about Dan’s breeding, and he lets it slip that he generously gave his catering gig to Ben. Just then, Raina calls with bad news and bursts Blair’s little bubble: she’s reconsidered the article and doesn’t want to do it anymore. Wah wah. Upchuck calls Raina and asks why her dad holds a grudge against his dad, and she swears that he doesn’t. She also swears he doesn’t have a grudge against Lily either, and lets it slip that Russell and Lily used to be lovers – before she dumped him for Bart! Ha! Cat’s out of the bag now!

Dan catches up with stepbro Eric for a little exposition; it seems Eric has decided to be noble and deliver food to the homeless on Valentine’s instead of sitting around pining over his ex, Jonathan. Yawn.

Blair tells Slutina that she can’t figure out why Raina dropped out of the W article. Slutina suddenly feels a pang of guilt; and rightfully so! She then lies about a dress that was sent to her from Ralph Lauren, claiming it was a gift from her mother. But Blair finds the note attached, and discovers it’s from Raina, as a thank you gift for warning her not to do the W article. HA! Slutina is SO dead for crossing Blair!

Revenge is like a box of heart-shaped chocolates; you never know how Blair will destroy you.

Upchuck confronts Russell, and tells him that his loyalty is to the Bass name, and if Lily is an obstacle, he is willing to sell the only family he has left in the world down the river. As a show of good faith, he calls Bass Industries and orders an emergency board meeting to discuss Lily’s conflict of interest and “sin of omission.” Russell is impressed.

Later that night, Blair tells Slutina that she has to bail on their night in together for work, and suggests that Slutina go to Upchuck’s party after all. Slutina doesn’t feel guilty “ditching” Ben, since she thinks he’s busy tutoring. Blair of course, knows what Ben is really up to (catering) and schemes to ensure that Ben’s boss puts him on Chuck’s party! Bwahaha! She is so evil and manipulative, I love it!

So many schemes, so little time!

Lily tells RUDEfus that he’s gonna have to put his roses and chocolates on hold for the night, because there’s an emergency board meeting at Bass Industries. She’s been accused of an ethics violation and a conflict of interest. NO SHIZ, lady! Maybe you should have been upfront with Chuck from the beginning about Russell’s motives. Not only that, but Chuck had her removed from the board effective immediately. HA! Darn tootin’!

Upchuck’s “ritzy” bacchanalia is in full swings, complete with cherubs, dead boar’s heads, Indian statues, and live goats. (Don’t look at me!!) This is by far the weirdest party ever on GG. Russell is impressed that the $2500-a-head party is at full capacity. “I know how to tap a vein,” Chuck tells him. Yeah, and his daughter’s ass!

Just to be clear, the butler is escorting two goats. But are they heading to the kitchen or the bedroom?!

Dan stalks Blair (naturally, he finds her at the buffet table) and begs her to atleast read his short story before she tosses it aside. Their tete a tete is interrupted when Blair spots Ben serving champagne in one corner, and Slutina mingling in the other. She grabs her W film crew and descends on Slutina as her fall-back It-Girl interview.

Nate is surprised to find Capt. ArchiBALD at the party. He’s there to find Russell and personally hand him his resignation. Aww. Look who’s come back from the dark side. (No racist pun intended!) Lily swoops into the party like a winged monkey and has a lame run-in with Russell.

Is Lily pissed at the sight of Russell, or the lack of drink in her hand?

Chuck tells Raina that the whole Venetian theme of the party was inspired by her calendar. Huh?! Still, she falls for the grand gesture, and Dan spies Chuck and Raina sharing a VERY intimate smooch before they disappear into his bedroom.

Who’s the set decorator? Bordellos ‘R Us?

Blair gets some lame sound bites out of Slutina before she whips out her claws and publicly humiliates Slutina on camera for dating “the help.” “Before Ben was serving drinks, he was serving three years hard time!” Blair gleefully tells the camera. LOL. Slutina and Ben are mortified, and also annoyed with each other for keeping secrets. Bensitive runs off with his tail between his legs to go cry.

Genius!!!

Lily barges into Upchuck’s room, and lays into him right in front of Raina. They have a huge, nasty spat, where she claims to always be looking out for his best interests, and he basically calls her a slut. Raina is so put off by his antics that she storms out, followed by Lily.

No sex in the champagne room now!

Now that Chuck’s left all alone, Russell moves in like a vulture on a carcass, and thanks Upchuck for ousting Lily from the board, thus making his takeover even easier. Now Chuck has no company, no family, and no girlfriend. Bwahahahaha! Dayum! Russell is an evil genius.

Slutina and Blair have a pissy, little spat (by the buffet) where Slutina can’t believe Blair would choose work over their friendship, and Blair refuses to believe that Slutina was simply trying to guard her bestie’s feelings from the truth of Upchuck’s feelings for Raina. Blair scuttles out in her tight dress to find Chuck and put this love triangle business to bed.

ArchiBALD finds Russell, and before he can quit, he gets his ass fired for leaking private documents to the enemy camp! Ha!

Sweet, but daft.

Dan finds Blair wistfully admiring Chuck’s bordello room (seriously?!). When Chuck and Raina enter the room to continue their lover’s quarrel, Dan and Blair slip behind a curtain and hide in an annexed room, privy to the whole fight. Raina refuses to listen to Upchuck’s side of the story, and Blair gets teary at the realization that Chuck really DOES like Raina. She sits down on some dilapidated couch for a good cry. In one of the show’s most tender, romantic moments EVER, Dan tries to comfort Blair by taking her hand, which she angrily pulls away from. It’s so sexy and sad and poetic all at once.

AWW!!!

Later that night, Blair brings a box of cheap chocolates as a peace offering to Slutina. (She probably ate them all already!) Actually, Blair looks REALLY pretty in this scene. The girls apologize to each other for the mutual backstabbing, before Ben texts Slutina for a late night V-Day meet up, and Dan texts Blair a new draft of his story. “Secret Valentine?” Slutina asks. Hehehe. Not yet, blondie!

Chocolate can mend any broken heart!

Blair calls Dan and shocks him with the news that she already read his article AND gave it to a junior editor at Vanity Fair! Dan can’t believe his ears when she compliments his writing even! The two decide to spend the rest of Valentine’s separately watching Rosemary’s Baby together, a la When Harry Met Sally. It’s SO frickin’ cute I can’t stand it! I can’t wait for these two to finally realize they like each other!!!

Adorzable!

ArchiBALD makes up for his recent stint of douchiness by giving Upchuck his old passwords and access card to Russell’s private office. Naturally, the codes are changed every week, but that still gives Chuck a good 48 hours to sneak in and dig something up!! YES!!

Maybe ArchiBALD’s not so stupid after all?!

Slutina meets Ben at some dumpy downtown bar where they kiss and make up and spend the last 10 minutes of Valentine’s together. Hmm. Cute. Except I haven’t forgotten his terrifying violent streak!

In the final scene, Eric wraps up his stint delivering meals to the homeless. His lil fag hag tells him that a cute, dark-haired boy stopped by earlier, asking for him, and is around the corner. Eric is expecting to find Jonathan … but, GASP! It’s Damien Dalgaard! He’s wearing a knit cap, so obviously, he’s poor now. (Daddy cut off his allowance.) Eric tries to run away, but Damien decides he’s gonna blackmail Eric with the leaked knowledge about Lily’s perjury which put Ben behind bars! HA! And Lily thought Ben was the problem!! The shiz is about to hit the fan now!!

You’re screwed, Eric! And not in the way you want to be!

Well, let me just say, that I needed a cigarette after that episode cuz it was DAMN good! What a delicious massacre that turned out to be! GG can give me “VD” (Valentine’s Day) any time! I can’t wait to see what happens next week! And PS, only two more eps left before GG goes on hiatus for 6 weeks!! Yup, sad but true. Anyways, leave your comments and questions as always. You know you love me! -Gossip Slife