Gossip Girl: Don’t Mask, Don’t Tell

Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. When I found out that our fave Upper East Siders was headed to yet another masquerade party (hello, season one leftovers!) I let out an audible groan. But this was no masked ball redux! Au contraire, mon frere! This was the episode that Kittkatt, Libithina and I have been LONGING for all season! Team Fug actually staged a successful takedown of Slutina!!

The episode opens with Eric and his shaggy-haired beau Elliott whipping up a rainbow-tastic Venn diagram to “help” big sis Slutina solve her love quandry of Nate vs. Dan. However, a closer inspection of their Venn diagram reveals that they have no friggin’ clue what they’re doing in math class. The whole point of the Venn diagram is show what the boys have in common with Slutina, where their lives overlap, and where they deviate. Instead, Eric’s just thrown in some pretty colors and random attributes. Dan and Slutina are both “excellent writers?” I don’t think so. Nate is “conveniently located,” but Dan is “almost related?” And where do they all converge? At “cute” naturally.

Slutina is “smarter than she thinks?” I think Eric is dumber than he looks.

Lily swoops in, horrified to find her daughter’s salacious sex scandal with professor Colin is splashed all over Page Six.

“Sleep your way out of this one, you filthy tramp.”

Lily and Slutina meet with Dean Reuther to grovel in light of the scandal, and Lily’s primal instinct is to throw money at the problem to make it go away. She suggests an endowment, but Dean Reuther suggests that Slutina take her skanky ass to another university. Surprisingly, Lily comes to her daughter’s defense and mildly threatens the Dean with a NY Times expose on the whole mess, thus granting Slutina a stay of execution.

Dan and Nate rekindle their bromance with a friendly game of Nerf basketball.

Little J shows up at Casa Van der Woodsen, much to Slutina’s disgust. Jenny wins points with Lily however when she fesses up that Juliet contacted her about ruining Slutina with something worse than the Page Six story, but she wanted no part in it. Lily thanks Little J for her loyalty, and then the second her back is turned, Jenny calls up Juliet and Manessa to report that the plan is going perfectly so far! Mwahahahaha!

Phase One is complete! Time to initiate Phase Two!

Meanwhile, Blair is kissing up to Nate’s mom, Anne Archibald, because she wants to replace her as the face of her philanthropic venture, Girls Inc. Ok, personally I don’t think either of these women should be the face of anything – except anorexia and bulemia. Anne says Blair’s practically a shoe-in … except for her tawdry relationship with Upchuck. Um – rude! Isn’t Anne the one with the husband behind bars for embezzlement and drug possession?!

Lay off the botox … and the bug eyes, ya crazy bitch!

Upchuck has enlisted the service of pushy PR pro KC, (last seen in season 3 as Slutina’s bitchy boss) to give his black and white masquerade ball a little more oomph. KC’s prognosis: ditch Blair, unleash his inner hedonist, and make the theme of the party “saints and sinners.” Me likey! And so does Upchuck.

PS, this “hideous slum” exterior shot is supposed to be the location of Juliet’s poor lodgings on 127th St. How embarrassing for anyone who really does live there!

Uptown, Juliet reveals to Jenny and Manessa that Lily has requested a meeting, and Little J pats herself on the back for knowing that nothing drives a wedge between mother and daughter better than Slutina finding out that Lily is trying to cover up for her. Little J also explains that she’s upped the ante to kleptomania and stolen Slutina’s phone and swapped it with a dummy, so they can receive all her incoming texts and calls while Slutina is none the wiser. Wow! Who knew Little J was so technically advanced?!

Phase Two complete! Proceeding to Phase Three!

Blair and Upchuck are getting mani-pedi’s together … via phone (so queer!) and both agree that they can’t risk their reputations by being seen together. Yawn. Make up your mind already!!

Nate and Dan come up with a “genius” gentlemen’s plan to both text Slutina with a date offer, and “no hard feelings” over who she chooses. Zzz…

Of course, the texts are intercepted by Manessa and Little J, who decide to wreak a little havoc with the two love-struck morons, and agree to both dates at the same time.

Upchuck and Blair meet covertly and can’t help but rip their clothes off and have a little pre-party sex. And while it’s less nauseating than their piano sex the other week, it’s still a little snoozy. Upchuck accidentally blurts out the dreaded “L” word, and while you know Blair’s icy heart just melted, she pretends like she didn’t hear a peep.

Even Chuck’s a little bored and trying to multitask.

Lily lures Juliet over with some delicious herbal tea and politely asks her to back the hell off from ruining her daughter’s life. Juliet says it would be easy to drop her vendetta … if only Slutina didn’t have a history of bedding her professors. She mentions boarding school, and I was like, “Aha!” So, my prediction last week that Ben was her teacher at boarding school was correct! God, I LOVE being right!! Hehe. Anyways, Lily is PISSED, and asks how much it’ll cost to shut Jules up.

Tea for two, and two for tattle-tailing.

Juliet finds Slutina shopping on Madison Avenue for the masquerade ball and gloats that she doesn’t need Colin anymore; she has a new benefactor now named Lily Van der Woodsen Bass Humphrey. LOL.

Nate and Dan start texting Slutina furiously when she seemingly stands them up, and Little J and Manessa giggle like evil mean girls as they intercept the texts.

Dorota is horrified to learn that Blair did not return Upchuck’s mid-coital declaration of love, but Blair holds tight to her plan to win Anne Archibald’s affection instead.

I heart Dorota!!!

Slutina rages at Lily that she fell for Juliet’s manipulations and let herself get blackmailed “for nothing” just because she doesn’t have faith in her own daughter. “Can you blame me?” Lily deadpans, and Slutina acts like she’s just been bitch-slapped in the face. It’s a pretty brillz scene between mother and daughter. Slutina storms out in a major huff. THIS IS GETTING GOOD!

Blair has a change of heart about Upchuck when she sees the great lengths he will go (to feed her!) so she strips down to her skivvies which just happens to be a sexy, red slip, and she takes off for the masquerade ball.

There’s a new slut in town!

Nate and Dan run into each other outside Slutina’s building and compare notes on how she has apparently stood both of them up. Slutina shows up, and before she can make heads or tails of what is going on, they snarf in her face that she has until midnight to make up her mind once and for all.

You’re looking more confused than usual, my pretty.

Team Fug regroups, and Manessa is put in charge of giving Anne Archibald a fake application from Slutina, in order to drive Blair insane with jealousy. They cackle some more about how Nate and Dan and Lily have already started to turn against Slutina. But now it’s time for them to prepare for their big, final showdown at the masquerade ball!

Phase Three complete. Brace yourselves for Phase Four.(And for Manessa’s ugly mug. Ick!)

Juliet and Little J doff their wicked witch capes and sneak into the masquerade wearing the same Carolina Herrera dress as Slutina (thanks to a fashion shout-out from Gossip Girl.) Jenny’s all, “This isn’t my first masked ball.” No shiz, writers! So, you better step up your game!!

Something wicked this way comes!!

Manessa calls Juliet to report she delivered application to Anne, but Blair is at the ball. Juliet tells her she better think up a clever way to get the board meeting moved to the masquerade ball AND STAT! “And Vanessa, you need to show more initiative on this thing. Jenny’s really carrying you.” HA!

Blair runs into Jenny-as-Slutina and can’t figure out why her bestie is suddenly ignoring her.

Over dinner, Lily admits to Roofus that this Colon Cleanse scandal isn’t Slutina’s first dalliance with a teacher, and she had to clean up her daughter’s mess at boarding school. Roofus hardly seems shocked to hear that his step-daughter has a long history of being a whore. LOL

Eric and Elliott glide into the party, but Slutina is barred entrance, since “she” has already checked in. When the bouncer asks for her ID she scoffs, “I didn’t come to rent a car!” HA! I wish Blake Lively knew how to emote genuine frustration. It comes off more as apathy.

Juliet-as-Slutina slithers through the party and plants sultry kisses on BOTH Dan and Nate, leading both of them on even further.

One kiss. Blue kiss.

Red kiss. Two kiss.

Blair and Upchuck sneak off for a little surreptitious smooching of their own backstage, but get busted in front of the entire party when Jenny-as-Slutina drops the curtain on them! Anne shows up right then and gets a disturbing, bug-eyeful of Blair’s shenanigans. “Serena! What are you doing!” she shrieks as Jenny-as-Slutina turns the spotlight on them. Bwahaha!

She’s a cold-hearted snake! Ooh! Look into her eyes!

Better still, everyone’s phones titter with a new Gossip Girl blast – this one is photographic proof of “Serena” kissing Nate and then Dan, and playing them both for fools. Everyone turns to Slutina and looks at her like she’s a bitch. Dan and Nate look hurt and betrayed. Slutina simply looks dazed and confused as usual. She probably can’t remember if she kissed them or not!

I love KC’s mask in the background! Gorge!

Anne chews Blair out for kissing Chuck while in her underwear, and tells her that behavior like that will not get her very far in life. Blair is crushed when Anne tells her she is out of the running for Girls, Inc. But then she blows a gasket when Anne tells her to tell Slutina that she’s not what the board is looking for in a role model, either! HA!

Juliet slips back into her giant hooded cape and drips some mysterious liquid into the mask she’s holding. Hmm. What is she up to NOW?!

Revenge is a dish best served cold. ICE cold.

Slutina leaves her mask on the bar unattended as she begs Nate and Dan to believe her that she didn’t kiss them. But they find it hard to believe that someone with her hair and wearing the same dress and perfume would be behind all this. LOL. “We’re done,” they say, and storm off. Slutina is so caught off guard she doesn’t see Juliet pull a little mask switcheroo…

Before Slutina can even catch her breath, Blair flies at her like a harpie, enraged that Slutina would expose her and Upchuck, just to sabotage Blair’s chances at Girls, Inc. Slutina is like, “I don’t give two shits about Girls, Inc!” But Blair is too pissed off to listen to reason, and the two besties break up on the spot!!!

Slutina grabs the tainted mask and turns to leave when Eric stops her. Slutina bitches to him that no one believes her innocence, but when Eric says that he does, she goes, “You’re my little brother. You’re not enough.” WHOA! She may be innocent of everything else, but that was a low blow to Eric, who looks genuinely hurt.

Slutina stumbles out of the party, and now it’s starting to make sense – Juliet drugged her! “Luckily” Juliet is lying in wait outside, and helps woozy Slutina into a waiting cab! Was this part of the plan, or is Juliet going rogue?? OMG! What if Slutina wakes up naked in Colin’s bed and there’s even more pics of her?! Hahaha.

Careful, S! This friend is more foe.

Upchuck thinks KC is going to berate him for his stunt, but it turns out the kiss was a good PR move for everyone to see that “the hedonist has a heart.” She guarantees that the Empire will be fully booked within days. Chuck’s pleased, but Blair is annoyed that she can’t “have it all” too. Despite their mutual love, Blair says she has to be Blair Waldorf before she can be Chuck Bass’ girlfriend. Oh, brother! Will these two EVER make up their mind?

Manessa and Little J are giddy over Team Fug’s victory. They try to text Juliet, who’s too busy taking advantage of a passed out Slutina. She grabs S’s cell and sends an email to Dean Reuther to formally withdraw from Columbia! Ha! Delicious!

In the final montage, Upchuck and Blair sulk in isolation, Nate and Dan take comfort in each other’s presence (lol) and Lily and Eric shake their heads in dismay at the news that Slutina has dropped out of school and seemingly run away. And in the final shot, Juliet turns away from her rain-streaked window and looks at Slutina who’s passed out unconscious on her bed!

Sweet dreams, Sleeping Beauty!

Well, I thought it was a pretty, crazy cool episode! It started off feeling very derivative, but ended up being a wild rollercoaster. And I love where the episode took me. What do you think Juliet’s plan is now? Has she kidnapped Slutina?! I haven’t seen a good TV kidnapping since Kristen and Susan held Marlena hostage on Days of Our Lives. LOL. Ok, gasmii, leave your comments and theories! You know you love me! Xoxo, Gossip Slife