Gossip Girl: Intern-about’s Fair Play

Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. Wow! What a difference a week makes! Last night’s episode helped the struggling series roar back to life with a vengeance. Every storyline sizzled with heat, intrigue, originality, and best of all: snappy dialogue!

The episode opens with Gossip Girl snarking about how to stay warm when the weather’s so cold outside. Raina Thorpe tries to sneak out of Upchuck’s bed (and clutches) so she can be a lady on the streets, but Upchuck would rather keep her a freak in the sheets!

Serena blows off a lunch invite from Eric to do her morning makeup with Blair, who’s keeping mum about her hot new internship that she’s getting ready for rather early. “Most offices aren’t open this early – unless you’re interning at a donut shop?!” Serena muses.

Don’t look so offended, Blair! Your bestie knows you all too well!

The gals agree to meet up at the W party later (there’s always a soiree!) and then Slutina tries to compare Blair’s tight-lipped air of mystery to “living with Don Draper.” Really? A Mad Men reference? And not even a very good one. Next time, let Dan do the name-dropping. Oh, and maybe make it funny, too.

Speaking of Humphrey, he calls Lily to thank her for pulling strings to get him a nifty internship (also conveniently not named yet.) Lily grumbles to Roofus that atlas one of their kids is appreciative, unlike county Serena and Eric who continue to give her the cold shoulder. Um, maybe cuz you’re a frigid bitch of a mother? Just a guess. Her brunch looks shockingly mimosa and alcohol free…

…unless that’s champagne-flavored yogurt she’s shoveling down her throat.

Serena meets Ben for brunch, where he tells her that he’s trading in sleeping on his friend’s couch for a job on some organic farm upstate. Slutina tries to be happy for him, but neither she nor Blake Lively are that good an actress. Ben hugs her goodbye, but his longing stare at a “help wanted” sign in the cafe window suggests he might not be telling her the truth.

Blair, aka Miss Piggy, is warbling cross-legged down the street with Dan like a girl in her first pair of pumps. Is she drunk or something? (She must be to keep buying those hideous tights!) Walk like a normal human being, girl! They bicker about movies and art, which for Dan, is like foreplay. I LOVE that Blair disses his scarf, and then he tells her that Manessa bought it for him. HA! They quickly part ways for their respective hush-hush internships.

C’mon! Quit teasing us! When are these two gonna hook up?!

Everyone’s fave drug dealer Damien Dalgaard (Kevin Zegers) bumps into Slutina on the street, and casually tries to apologize for selling Juliet the drugs that nearly killed Slutina. It comes as little shock that Serena could give two shits about helping him clear his conscience.

Blair (and the viewers) get treated to a yummy little sneak peek inside W Magazine’s fashion closet, where she quickly gets schooled by her new intern supervisor, Epperly, (played by Caitlin Fitzgerald, who we last saw as Meryl Streep’s older daughter Lauren in It’s Complicated. She was bland in that role, but brings a nice, frosty edge to GG.)

Yum! Shoes!

There’s a joke about a scrunchy (Sex & The City did it better) and a gratuitous name drop of the mag’s editor-in-chief and then Epperly introduces Blair to the cadre of other interns she’ll be competing against. “But I’m the best of the best! I’m Blair Waldorf!” she whines in protest at having to share her chew toys and office supplies. And while this scene is funny enough, in waltzes a very late Dan Humphrey, the sixth and final intern! The look on Blair’s face is priceless.

Meet your conniving new sorority sisters, Dan!

Now, as great as this scene is, it lacks any sense of realism or credibility for the sheer fact that no “heterosexual” male like Dan would EVER intern at W. Furthermore, I find it hard to believe that a shrewd gal like Epperly wouldn’t put atleast one gay in the internship program. C’mon! Where would the fashion world be without the gays?!

Lily is “hard at work” writing checks when Eric’s ex boyfriend Jonathan shows up unannounced under the pretense of returning a school book. (Oldest trick in the book!) Lily is shocked to learn from loose lips McGee that her son was brutally dumped by his latest beau, Elliott, over Winter Break… especially since he claimed to be sleeping over at Elliott’s last night! Whoops! Someone’s busted!

Um, who are you?? Oh, right. Mr. Holier-than-thou Jonathan.

Turns out Eric spent the night … with Damien Dalgaard! WHAT?! Okay, aside from the fact that Damien is clearly holding up two empty cups of coffee (Why do shows always do that?! Can’t they atleast pour water in the cups so it looks like the actors are holding something of weight and substance?) I am REELING from the quickly glossed-over fact that Damien seems to be bisexual now!! Just two eps ago he had a huge crush on Slutina! And now he’s plowing her brother? (Oh, please! Don’t pretend like you thought Eric was a top.) And how messed up is Eric’s head if he’s consorting with a sworn enemy? (That must have been a hot slumber party!) Well, KUDOS to Eric for finally getting more than two seconds in the spotlight. This is shaping up to be a full-blown storyline for a change!

Slutina tries to drop by Ben’s friend’s place to give him a bon voyage gift of gardening tools (so lame!) and she / Blake Lively looks genuinely terrified to find that the cab has dropped her off in the slummiest ghetto of life. A “friendly” white thug informs her that Ben’s really been living in a halfway house for ex-cons. Seriously?! I know Colin isn’t a fan of Ben’s, but Juliet couldn’t throw a little cash her brother’s way to help him get back on his feet?

“Eww! Poor people! And Honda Civics! Gross!”

The “frenemosity” (yes, I think I just coined a new phrase) between Dan and Blair continued to heat up at W, as they both vied for recognition and opportunities while trading cute barbs. Blair: “You wouldn’t know the difference between Rodarte and roadkill!” Another dig from Blair about Dan being better suited at The New Yorker only reminds Epperly of Dan’s writing prowess, and she offers HIM a great blog assignment! Ha.

Love love LOVE!

Eric is confronted by Lily and Jonathan about his shady behavior of late. Eric acts pissy as yoosh, but Jonathan gets him to open up about how rough things have been lately. Eric even confesses he misses Jonathan, who skillfully manages to offer himself up as Eric’s arm candy at the W party that night under the guise of keeping the peace and mocking the other guests. This made both me and Eric snicker in delight.

When Epperly sends Dan to the closet to fetch the lemon Louboutins, Blair seizes the opportunity to try and sabotage him. Dan: “I didn’t date Serena van der Woodsen and not come away knowing that those are Marc Jacobs. And they’re mustard.” LOL. Possibly the gayest thing he’s ever said, but also the funniest.

Office hijinks at their best.

Foiled, Blair sets out to sabotage the rest of the interns. She pours Chanel No. 5 in Epperly’s coffee and gets one girl fired! But in swoops Dan with a freshly whipped up cappuccino! And when Epperly demands a stapler, Dan and Blair reach for the same one. “Oh, look! It’s Georgina’s baby!” Blair says in an attempt to distract Dan. LOL. Well played, writers!!

Nate throws a fit when his dad strolls in late, having missed another parole meeting. The Captain walks right past Nate and keeps talking, like he’s starring in some cheesy telenovela. He then whirls around melodramatically to inform his son he’s the new financial advisor for Russell Thorpe. “I can’t stop pinching myself!” he squeals. Hmm. Nice change from pinching the company funds! This news of course gets Upchuck’s panties in a twist.

Where was the Captain raised? Port Charles? Salem? Llanview?

While stuffing gift bags, Dan and Blair make a gentlemen’s agreement: whoever brings in a celebrated author to the W party wins the internship, and the other must bow out – and no schemes or sabotage allowed! While I doubt this will last, it’s a fun premise.

Eric and Serena continued their epic freeze on their mom, especially when they discovered that Lily tried to pay Ben off with $30,000 to leave town for good, but Ben rejected the offer. Slutina storms off, and Eric runs crying to Damien.

Dan brags to Blair that he pulled strings to score Jeremiah Harris, while she gloats that he’s no match for her author, Laurie Moore. Who?! The needling continues…

Upchuck pays an unfriendly visit to Raina, where he all but demands that she and her father fire Nate’s dad, since it’s such an obvious conflict of interest. Raina refuses to play ball, or for that matter play with Chuck’s balls.

Whoa! Look at that bone structure! Is she also on RuPaul’s Drag Race??

While loading party supplies into a van (I love seeing Blair doing manual labor for once!) she gets lectured via phone by Slutina not to sabotage Dan and to win the bet on her own merit. Natch, Blair disregards this sagely advice, and at the first opportunity she gets, stabs sweet Dan in the back and throws out his guest list!

Damien finds Ben drowning his sorrows at some dumpy dive of a bar, and chides him for being “in the pokey for poking a student.” Ben says he not only knows that richie rich Damien is a drug dealer, but that he was the one who ratted out Ben to the school board. YES!! I’m glad Ben is directing his anger at the right person! Perhaps he’s not as stupid as he looks? Just then, Eric walks in. Damien: “I’d introduce you, but you may or may not have statutorily raped his sister.” Bwahahahaha! Eric and Damien get cozy in a booth, while Ben calls Slutina.

A lame word of advice from Epperly has Dan rethinking this whole gentleman’s bet, and he stoops to Blairs level and decides to sabotage her author as well!

Later that night, the W party is in full swing, and it’s ten times better than Russell Thorpe’s party last week. Jonathan tries to kiss up to Eric, who ditches him to go have a word with Damien.

Ben tries to warn Slutina about Eric’s budding relationship with drug-dealing Damien, but she laughs in his face. She runs into Jonathan, who’s suddenly tired of being played a fool again (then quit returning school books, you meddlesome twink!) and he storms out.

I love the lighting at this party!

Dan’s author finally shows up, and Blair freaks out. Upchuck courts Raina, but she’s annoyed by his presence.

Ben and Slutina bust Eric buying drugs from Damien, who weasels out of the confrontation by offering to go get his new “babe” a drink. LOL. Ben and Slutina give Eric a tongue-lashing for hanging out with the creep, and Eric breaks down that Damien and his delicious pills were the only ones there for Eric these past few, difficult weeks.

Skin-crawling!

Blair and Dan get into a war of words in the middle of the party, with Blair threatening to out Dan as a saboteur. (What a hypocrite!) It quickly devolves into a bar-room brawl, with the two becoming fashion roadkill by the mag’s editor. Epperly fires both of them on the spot for embarrassing her.

Now if only their passion would roll right into the bedroom!

Captain ArchiBALD yells at Nate when he discovers his and Chuck’s plot to get him fired. He says he’d rather live in a halfway house than with someone who halfway trusts him. LOL. Oh, I think Ben could recommend a nice one for him!

When Dan finds out just how badly Blair wanted this internship, he feels a pang of regret, and leaves Epperly a mea culpa phone message.

Roofus confronts Eric about his relationship with Damien and asks point blank if he’s on drugs. Oh, god! Please! I can’t take any more trips to the Ostroff Center this season! LOL. Eric says he did some sleeping pills and some speed, but he’s off that now. Suuuure…

Slutina tries her damnedest to come on to Ben, but he proves icy and immune to her charms, and rebukes her advances. He does pause, however, for like, an HOUR when he walks away, which CLEARLY means that he really DOES like her!!

The next morning, Epperly calls Blair to tell her that Dan took the blame for the whole wrestling stunt at the party, and that she’s needed back at work ASAP.

Blair looks ecstatic, as if she just received a dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

Roofus thanks Ben for his sagely advice regarding Eric, and generously offers him the vacant Brooklyn loft. Suddenly, Ben’s no longer above charitable handouts. (Snicker.)

Nate tries to call his dad’s hotel suite, but he’s checked out without so much as a word. In fact, ArchiBALD is so mad, that he throws his full support and allegiance to Thorpe when it comes to taking down Bass Industries. Dun dun dun!

Raina pulls up her panties, and answers the door to find an apologetic Chuck, but he’s too late. She already has some freshly showered Asian boy toy in her suite. (My, how multi-culti this show is getting!) Chuck does enough sweet talking to put their differences aside, smooch Raina, and set up a booty call for later. Niiiice.

Cockward! (Yes, I just coined another phrase, for any awkward sexual tension when two men are present.)

Blair struts around W in a pair of hot pink hot pants that I actually liked AND found flattering on her. She smugly tells Epperly that Dan was never really her friend, but her wistful gaze at his name in her phone say otherwise.

On Wednesdays we wear pink!

Serena and Roofus are convinced that Ben is a sweet, rehabilitated guy, but they would be shocked if they saw him violently attack Damien and threaten to tell his daddy about the drug-dealing if he doesn’t stay away from the Van der Woodsens. Seems Ben picked up some new tricks in jail! Damien realizes that Ben has feelings for Slutina, and instead of heeding Ben’s advice, he decides to get nasty and play hardball, and calls Eric up for a friendly little hang sesh.

Strangely erotic? Or is that just me?

This is getting GOOD!

So, I think this ep was pretty juicy! Atleast it was a VAST improvement from last week! I am loving all of the attention on Eric, and the return of Damien is-he-or-isn’t-he bisexual now Dalgaard! What tricks do you think he has up his sleeve for Eric? And what about Ben’s sudden split personality?? As always, please leave your comments! You know you love me! -Gossip Slife