Gossip Girl: Oh, Mon Dieu-Doo!

Hello, my little Upper Eastside Gasmii. Gossip Slife here. This is your one and only recap of the scandalous lives of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. Season 4 picks up three months after the shocking season 3 finale where Chuck screwed Jenny, Dorota gave birth, Blair banished Little J from Manhattan and dumped Chuck as he was proposing to her, Whore-gina showed up preggers with Dan’s baby, Serena and Blair jetted off to Paris, and Chuck got shot and left for dead in Prague. LOL. Sorry, it just sounds even more ridicks when you boil it down to the Cliff’s Notes version.

Three months later, and not much has changed. Serena and Blair are still vapid, boy-crazy shopaholics, just in a different city. Nate has inherited Chuck’s little black book, and is still a man-whore piece of eye candy. Vanessa (Jessica SNORE) is still a fugly whiner. And Little J is still MIA while Taylor Momsen explores a “music career” via slashed nylons and heavy eyeliner.

The episode opens with a montage of S and B’s “wild” summer in Paris.

They were going for Sex and the City. But it comes off more like Sex and the City 2.

Slutina tries to re-enact a scene from Titanic. Vommies.

This just looks uncomfortable.

Gossip Girl informs us that Serena’s summer was “sizzle” while Blair’s was more “fizzle.” LOL. Basically, she got zero play. Blair tries to play it off like she doesn’t care, but she obvi does.

Roofus and Lily are checking their answering machine. Message one is from Blair’s mom about hosting a party for Fashion’s Night Out. Hmm. How timely! She’s distracted by Dorota’s baby, and Lily laughs how glad she is that they don’t have to deal with diapers and bottles anymore. OH LAWD! I smell an EPT test in Lily’s near future!

A package arrives for Slutina and Blair assumes it’s her course catalog for Brown. (Why would they send that to Paris?!) Anyways, Blair says she’ll miss her bestie, but separate colleges will ensure they won’t have any petty high school rivalry. Blair leaves, and OF COURSE the packet is from Columbia, which Slutina just got into, and she worries how her petty friend will handle the news. LOL.

Love the chairs!

Lily meets with Bruce, the Bass financial advisor, who tells her that Chuck has been MIA since May and hasn’t been paying the bills on the Empire Hotel, which is about to go into default. Lily promises to try and track down Charles. PS, I can’t stand the way she always insists on calling him “Charles.” The name’s Chuck, bitch!

Roofus hasn’t spoken to Dan in AGES, so he calls in “the big guns” aka Manessa, to drop by that impossibly chic Brooklyn loft to check in on Dan. Manessa whines like a jealous ex that Dan hasn’t called her all summer, and then her jaw hits the floor when she sees Dan’s been shacked up with Whore-gina Sparks and their love child, Milo.

Meet Milo, the spawn of Satan herself.

Nate goes to lunch at Norma’s with some ditz in a gold trash bag dress that makes her look like, well, a hefty cinch sack. They sit down next to the gorgeous Katie Cassidy, mercifully snatched up by the show’s producers from the now defunct Melrose Place reboot. She and Nate trade delicious barbs, before she leaves him hanging without even her name or number. Now he’s gonna have to post a missed connections ad on Craigslist to find her!

Um, no contest!

Blair’s staring at her favorite Manet painting when she’s approached by a tall, handsome stranger who confesses he has a crush on her. His name is Louis, and as they’re exchanging info, she overhears his friend mention “car,” “Embassy,” and “Grimaldi,” and she immediately assumes he’s the prince of Monaco!

Why does she always attract dandies in pink shirts?!

S and B promptly go on an extravagant shopping montage set to Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream.” Loves it! Slutina tries to tell Blair about Columbia, but Blair cuts her off, and tells her that her date with Louis is now a double date with his friend Jean-Michele, and S just HAS to come! Slutina agrees.

Stop trying to be Carrie Bradshaw, bitch!

Whore-gina’s speaking Russian on the phone to some creepster, who warns her that she only has “one more day” and then hangs up. She freaks out. The phone rings again, only this time, it’s Roofus, and Whore-gina’s all too happy to talk to him.

Meanwhile, Manessa can’t believe that Dan has traded his brains for diaper duty, and has been playing house with Whore-gina without so much as a paternity test! Whatta dummy! Luckily, Dan still hasn’t signed the birth certificate yet. Best line of the show is when they’re talking about cholic, and diapers, and episiotomies, and Manessa says, “Wow. Do not mention her George-gina.” LMAO. She may be fugly, but she’s got some good one-liners! (Runner up quote: “We’re talking about Georgina Sparks! Her hair lies!”)

…while visions of George-ginas danced in her head.

S and B meet their dates outside, and Blair is horrified to discover that Jean-Michele is actually the prince, and Louis is his driver. Slutina of course is all smiles.

Fate just took a big, fat, ironic dump on Blair’s chest.

PS, what’s with the maid costume and the booty shorts?! Tres hideous!

Lily is worried about Chuck’s strange credit card spending in Prague, but Roofus could give two shits after Chuck deflowered his daughter. “He’s your family, not mine!” he tells Lily. Lily then drops the bomb on Eleanor that their daughters will both be attending Columbia together. Eleanor didn’t even know Serena had applied. I didn’t even know Serena could spell “college.” The camera pans over to Eleanor’s coordinator for the Fashion’s Night Out party, who just happens to be Katie Cassidy! Aka Juliet Sharp.

The double date at Baccarat is going swimmingly – for everyone except Blair, that is. She excuses herself to take a call from her mother, and laments that Slutina always gets the prince while she always gets stuck with the pauper. Eleanor picks this most in-opportune moment to tell B that S will be joining her at Columbia this fall. LOL.

Just when you thought your date couldn’t get any worse…

Nate arrives at the Fashion’s Night Out party, and is surprised to meet Juliet. Before they can screw in the coat check room, however, Lily pulls Nate aside and asks him to help her track down Chuck.

Blair storms back into Baccarat, tells Slutina to get a new best friend, and promptly storms out again.

Whore-gina crashes Lily’s FNO party, downs a glass of champs in one gulp, and sends terrified cater waiters scurrying in her wake. She then calls Dan, puts Roofus on the phone, and whips baby Milo out for everyone to see.

“Is she about to breast feed on my new rug?!”

Thanks to Whore-gina’s antics, Lily feels compelled to cut the shindig short, so everyone peaces out and heads for Eleanor’s instead. Dan shows up and quickly suffers Roofus’ parental wrath. Meanwhile, Nate tries to tell Juliet that his life is nowhere near this dramatic, then ironically gets a phone call from the Empire saying there is a huge noise disturbance coming from his room!

BEST SCENE ALERT: B and S have it out by some French fountain, and B airs all of her insecurities about living in Slutina’s shadow and how she wants a place to call her own. They try to one-up each other with horror storylines from last season, but no one’s budging on Columbia. Blair informs Slutina that for now, she’s going to go back to their double date ALONE, and she’ll make up some story about how Serena tripped and fell in the fountain or something. Slutina’s all, “No one’s gonna believe that!” And Blair goes, “Wanna bet?!” And with that, she SHOVES Slutina head over heels into the fountain!! LMFAO!

It’s no Dynasty cat fight, but it’ll do!

Whore-gina apologizes to Lily for her flair for the dramatics, and even cops to being a psycho-ass bitch, that is, until Milo changed her life. Oh, puh-leaze! Lily takes the baby and she’s like a crack whore who just got her fix. Why do babies always have that effect on women?! Roofus discovers that Dan hasn’t done a paternity test, but Whore-gina tells then that she did, and she has some piece of paper that supposedly corroborates this. Thank GAWD Roofus is the only sensible person in the room who doesn’t believe her!

Dan thanks some “doctor” on the phone for confirming the paternity test … HELLUR! That could totally be some actor Georgina hired!! Roofus is still on my side, and says that doesn’t prove anything. Dan says the dates line up, so he shrugs and signs the birth certificate that Whore-gina JUST HAPPENS to have in her purse!

Nate and Juliet burst into his Empire hotel suite to find this:

And this is a problem, WHY?!

It’s just Rock Band 3 in lingerie! Juliet acts horrified, but still gives Nate her name and number.

Lily tells Dan he is a natural with the baby, even though the baby is nowhere to be seen. LOL. She then asks if he’s talked to Slutina at all, and he says he doesn’t quite know how to ask her if she’s ready to be a step-mom at nineteen to his bastard son.

Slutina walks back into Baccarat looking like a drowned rat and basically tells the guys that Blair is a total snatch.

Ok, this look actually could use a little Carrie Bradshaw…

Jean-Michele trots after her to walk her home, and Blair gets all huffy to see the prince leave. She yawns in Louis’ face and suggests they leave, too, and Louis drops the bomb on her that HE is the prince after all, and was just testing her. Natch, she FAILED.

How does that humble pie taste, bitch?

Dan and Milo are taking a little cat nap when Manessa calls Whore-gina and tells her to give Dan a message: that she is his friend and she is there for him. Barf. Whore-gina promises to deliver the message, and Manessa wisely tells her in case she doesn’t, she left the same message on Dan’s cell. “You know me too well, friend,” Georgina tells her. LOL. Then, without warning, Whore-gina leaves a fake sticky note about going to the spa, grabs her passport and luggage, and skips town!! Personally, I think her she had some Russian mobster’s baby, and her whole scheme was to get Dan to sign the birth certificate in order to keep her baby secret and safe before returning to Russia. Only time will tell!

Blair returns to the hotel and finds Slutina packing her bag. There’s some lame groveling and a lamer excuse that she’s acting out from a broken heart, and Slutina falls for the crocodile tears.

Nate stares at Juliet’s phone number for an hour before manning up to call her.

Geez, they are really plugging the hell out of Fashion’s Night Out! Enough already!

Nate calls Juliet and confesses that he’s having trouble getting over a girl (Slutina) and they decide to meet up for a cup of coffee. She hangs up, and puts back on her suit jacket that she just put a price tag on!! We discover not only that she’s a sneaky clothes returner living in a dumpy little apartment, but she’s actually a devilish and savvy schemer, with a whole bulletin board stalking our favorite Upper Eastsiders!!!

Oh, this chick is GOOD!

Meanwhile, Lily gets a call from “France” to say that a body with Chuck’s ID washed up on shore in Paris, but fear not – our favorite Basshole is alive and well, just with a limp, a fake identity, and a new, milquetoast French girlfriend. Um, why did this girl take him back to her apartment to patch him up instead of the hospital? I already don’t trust her!

Meet “Henry Francis” and his new mademoiselle.

Mon dieu! What a way to kick off the season. What did you all think? There’s no way this season can be any worse than that threesome with Hillary Duff, right? MY EYES!! Let the games begin! You know you love me! XOXO, Gossip Slife