Gossip Girl: Once Upon A Crime

Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. O-M-Jizzle!! Last night’s episode was the best in weeks! In keeping with the whole fairy tale theme, Blair found herself swept off her pretty, little feet by Prince Louis. But before they could reach their happily ever after, they were hampered at every turn by secrets, lies, an evil queen, a wicked step-sister, and a beast with a temper!

The episode opens with a delicious tease: Blair on the phone with her mom, staring dreamily at an engagement ring on her finger! But who actually proposed?!

Between a rock and a hard face!

Cut to the day before…UGH! This old rouse again?! They just did this with Lily’s arrest! Chuck is still boozing, trying to drink away his father’s possible murder of Raina’s mother, and now his feelings for Blair as her romance with Prince Louis goes public.

Getting tired of this…

Behind closed doors, Blair and Prince Louis are getting VERY cozy, VERY quickly! The two are definitely on the fast track to a royal wedding to rival William and Kate, but Louis seems to be harboring a few skeletons in the closet. There’s something VERY important he has to discuss with her after his visit to the consulate. Slutina walks in on them smooching, and nearly barfs up the lunch she skipped as usual.

PDA? Gross! That’s only okay when I do it!

Dan walks in on Roofus playing the role of Jeeves for Lily, who is conveniently off camera upstairs (read: not in this ep) watching Downton Abbey. Ha! That’s what I got for my mom, too, for Mother’s Day! Anyhoo, Kelly Rutherford has the week off (I guess there’s only so many house arrest stories the writers could come up with for Lily) so Roofus (from here on to be referred to as “Doofus”) gets to star in his own horribly lame storyline for a change. He tells Dan that he’s up for a new gig producing a rock band for some indie label. And when Dan says he’s going for a friendly, little outing with Charlie (Kaycee DeFer), Doofus tells him to proceed with caution. Why? Does he know something we don’t know? Or can he smell the crazy on her from a mile away?

Cut back to Nate and Upchuck’s loft, where the director’s fancy, overwrought crooked camera angles let us know that Upchuck’s drinking is sending him on a downward shame spiral. Nate tries to be a supportive friend, by clearing out the papers with Blair’s photos, and begging Upchuck to come clean to Raina about her mother. But Upchuck goes all A Few Good Men on Nate, and is like, “She can’t handle the truth!” So stupid.

Not looking good there, Scruffs McGee!

Dan and Charlie are having coffee at some hipster bookstore and growing close – maybe a little TOO close for comfort. Even though Dan just wants to be friends, Char Char leans over and gives him a saucy smooch on the cheek goodbye. She skips off, and the camera racks focus from Dan’s stunned face to Manessa MORE stunned face, as she lurks in the background like a total stalker.

I literally LOL’d when I saw her standing there.

Blair and Louis are having a little spot of tea. He tells her that she doesn’t have to be such a kiss-butt in the press just to impress his stodgy parents. Ha! He’s just about to come clean and confess his big, dark, terrible secret when all of a sudden, the doors fly open, and in storms his bitchy, royal mother who drops the mother of all secrets herself: Louis is already about to be married!! Natch, Blair runs off in tears.

Don’t mess with mama!

The evil queen calls up her mysterious informant, and thanks them for alerting her to this “fiasco” of a relationship. And who is on the other end of the phone conspiring against Blair? Slutina!! OMFG! What a bitch! So THAT’S why she was getting in touch with Jean-Michele! Genius!! I love when S and B are enemies! The claws are OUT!

When’s she’s good, she’s good. And when she’s bad, she’s better!

Blair whines about being duped while poor Dorota massages her feet. LOL. Louis arrives with flowers, and Blair scoffs at his cheap attempt at an apology. Louis explains that he is not engaged – yet. But his royal court wants him married before he takes his rightful place as Prince Albert’s heir. Louis then explains that there will be a cocktail party tomorrow where his mother plans to trot out her top ten marriage candidates like some dog and pony show, and he’d like Blair there as his wild card. (There’s always a party!!) And now there’s also a good excuse for a rushed engagement, and thereby a season finale wedding to ruin! Hehehe.

Blair calls Slutina with an obnoxious update on her royal dramz, and S pretends to be all happy for her. Eric calls her out, and Slutina cops to annoyed by the whole Dan-Blair kiss. She also points out that if the tables were turned and she had kissed Upchuck, Blair would spare no expense to destroy her. Hmm. Touche. Eric tries to talk some sense into his sis, but she smiles deviously as she hatches a new plan.

Eric: “I’m gay! Fake niceness as a cover for bitchiness is my middle name!”

Nate takes Raina to dinner and tries to talk sports stats as a way to avoid talking about her mother, but Raina sees through his cheap ploy, and storms off in a huff. PS, has anyone ever really stormed off in a huff in real life?? I would LOVE to do that myself one day…

Dan and Eric call Doofus out for looking like a douche in his Fonz leather jacket before his meeting with the band, Panic. Ha. Dan suggests he impress them with a chill dinner at the Brooklyn loft – but don’t invite Charlie! Even though Dan swears he didn’t lead her own, it seems she has a little crushy-poo. Doofus is all, “Toldja so!” Yes, Doofus, you managed to point out the blatantly obvious. Here’s a cookie.

Charlie is at the bookstore (STILL?!) reading some stalker self-help manual.

What is this book?! (And where can I buy it?!)

Enter Manessa, who introduces herself, but Char Char is way ahead of her, and spits back the Cliff’s Notes version of all the crap she’s pulled this season. LOL. Manessa explains that she plans to study abroad next year (YES! Please leave the show, fugs!) but before she goes, she wants to ensure that Dan is left in good hands. What, he’s like some man-baby who can’t even wipe his own ass? Anyways, she wants to help Charlie become his girlfriend…before Blair or Slutina does. Charlie’s all, “I’m listening…”

Hello, crazy eyes!

Before the royal soiree, Blair pays a little visit to Louis’ mother to try and impress her with the Waldorf’s pedigree. Mama’s all, “Oh, RILLY?!” She then proceeds to flip through 1,001 Gossip Girl posts about Blair’s scandalous life: blackmailing teachers, bullying underclassmen, a pregnancy scare, performing in a burlesque show, dating the incestuous Lord Marcus, being traded for a hotel empire, etc. It’s like a fabulous flashback scene! Blair has to work overtime on the damage control, and by the skin of her teeth, still manages to score an invite to the party.

Life’s a bitch. And so is Gossip Girl!

More crooked camera angles…Chuck’s wallowing in his own misery as his henchman reads aloud some “Dear John” letter he found from Avery to Bart Bass. It provides a motive for his dad to set the fire which killed her. Eek! Nate walks in and confesses that the pressure of keeping the truth from Raina is starting to get to him.

Prince Louis brings Blair a fab beaded gown for her to wear to his mother’s ball that night, earning him extra brownie points with Dorota.

Dan rescues Charlie from yet another shameless plug for bing.com to have a heart-to-heart where he tells her that he just wants to be friends. She apologizes if she came on too strong, and Dan falls for the puppy dog act, and asks if she’d like to help Doofus plan a dinner for Panic at the Brooklyn loft. Of course, she’s all too eager to get his keys and let herself into his world.

Another scene of crooked angles as Nate and Upchuck bicker over Raina and the truth about her mother. Nate gets pissy and pushes his friend’s buttons by telling him that Blair clearly prefers Louis since she will be attending his parents royal soiree. Ruh roh!

Slutina walks into Blair’s room as she gets ready for the ball, and is amazed there’s any room left, now that Blair’s ego has swelled to the size of a football field. Blair twists the knife in her side when she tells Slutina she’s the best friend a girl could ever have, and she desperately needs her by her side at the party tonight.

That’s the taste of sour grapes, sweetie.

Upchuck calls his driver and tells him to bring the car around. “I have a party to crash.” He then opens up his safe and pulls out a GINORMOUS ring, presumably to try and win Blair back with. Uh oh!! So whose ring will end up on her finger by night’s end?!?!

That diamond’s a monster!!

At the royal ball, some uptight douche is announcing all of Louis’ potential marriage interests, and their royal pedigrees. And then in clomps Blair like some Clydesdale with a bad perm and her slutty, hunchbacked BFF.

“And now presenting, Miss Blair Waldorf, the foursquare mayor of Krispy Kreme.”

Doofus, Dan, and Eric show up at the loft for the big Panic dinner, and are horrified to see that Char Char ditched the homemade pizza idea for some over-the-top catered affair with crystal, caviar, and coq au van! Totes not what a punk rock band would want!! Doofus tries to slip out and do damage control by taking the band out to dinner instead. Charlie freaks out on Dan when she realizes her mistake…and then sobs that she was only doing what Manessa told her to do!! What?!

Smooth move, Ferguson!!

Blair flits about the party, flagrantly showing off all her quickly crammed knowledge of Monaco. Prince Louis raves about Blair to Slutina, who seems to have had a recent change of heart when it comes to destroying her bestie. S then sees a belligerent and beastly Upchuck tearing through the crowd and tries to stop him from ruining things for Blair.

A glass of scotch later, and Upchuck is making a royal BASS of himself in front of Louis’ mom, Princess Sophie Grimaldi of Monaco.

“How YOU doin’?”

Blair swoops in, and begs Upchuck to stop embarrassing her, but he only makes a bigger scene when he grabs Blair’s hand and tries to put the ring on it. She pushes him off – right into a tray of champagne flutes, which shatter to the ground. Princess Sophie’s all, “SECKURITAY!!” and Upchuck is whisked away by two guards! Blair is mortified and runs off in tears, with Slutina close behind. Princess Sophie then hisses to Louis that he must end the relationship NOW. Dun dun dun!!

Back at home, Blair laments that this was the biggest embarrassment of her life. (Even bigger than spilling chocolate fondue on Rachel Zoe?! WOWZA!) When Sltuina says she feels bad for Upchuck, Blair rips into her, and says she knows that S was behind the Gossip Girl scrapbook that was sent to Princess Sophie. She tells Slutina that she may be stuck in puppy love with Dan, but she herself was ready for something more mature with Louis.

Nate finally reaches his breaking point and comes clean to Raina about the truth about her mother’s supposed death at the supposed hands of Bart Bass, as well as Upchuck’s attempt to cover it all up. Raina is completely shell-shocked, but still manages to give Nate an ultimatum: her or Chuck.

Charlie tells Dan some cock-and-bull story about how Manessa supposedly sabotaged her dinner plans. Dan falls for the rouse, and seems genuinely touched by the great lengths she went to in order to impress him. He texts Manessa to meet him in 20 minutes for a tongue lashing, but Charlie tells him that it’s time she fight her own battles, and will confront Manessa herself.

Just the mention of Manessa makes her smell hippie farts.

Louis appears at Blair’s door and there’s a whole lot of love chatter… blah blah blah… his parents won’t approve but who cares?! He bends down on one knee and whips out a rock just as big as Chuck’s and proposes to Blair on the spot!

Say YES, dummy!

Doofus tells Dan that he impressed Panic with his music knowledge and is their new producer! Woot woot!

Charlie confronts Manessa about her “dastardly” plan to derail Charlie, and Manessa’s all, “WTF?! I was trying to help you!!” Charlie reveals her true colors and says she decided to pit Dan against Manessa so she could play damsel in distress instead, since Dan’s such a sucker for being the hero. Score one for the crazy newbie!

My, what big teeth you have!

And speaking of wolves, Blair shows up at Upchuck’s lair to tell him they are through and she is marrying the prince. Upchuck goes CUH-RAZY and literally attacks Blair. When she resist his “charms” he throws his fist through plate glass and inadvertently cuts Blair’s cheek. Blair flees, and the whole sordid scene is enough for Nate to turn his back on Chuck and throw his alliance to Raina.

Meanwhile, Raina makes a desperate bid to destroy Chuck, and aligns herself with Upchuck’s nefarious, evil Uncle Jack!!!

“Hello, writers? Thanks for giving me some meat to chew on for a change.”

From there, the episode wraps up its fairy tale theme with a GG voiceover as Dan and Charlie canoodle over dinner, Chuck sulks with bloody knuckles, and Blair dabs at her cut cheek. Slutina tries to lend her support… but Blair slams the door in her pretty, little face! HA!

Eff off, blondie!

So, what did you all think?? I found this episode to be more delicious than a juicy, poisoned apple! It was certainly the best episode in WEEKS! And I can’t wait for next week’s return of Uncle Jack! The teaser makes it look like everyone tries to have Chuck committed against his will! Anyhoo, please leave your questions and comments as always! You know you love me! Xoxo, Gossip Slife