Gossip Girl: Raising The Barre

Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. Last week’s episode was such an epic fail that it hardly set the “barre” high for this week’s expectations. So, maybe that’s why I was pleasantly surprised by last night’s silly romp at the ballet.

The episode opens with a very silly slapstick scene, as Slutina bursts into Blair’s room, and seemingly disturbs her friend’s slumber to yammer about her dangerous liasons with her professor, Colin Forrester. Unbeknownst to Funbags McGee though, is that Upchuck is under the covers! Blair can hardly concentrate or get rid of Slutina fast enough, as Upchuck continues to “orally pleasure” her. As soon as the blonde ditz leaves the room, Upchuck comes up for air, and Blair claims that was their last tryst … then puts Upchuck back down to work!

Guess the real “O” face.

Is it wrong to think Chuck looks kinda cute here?!

Over in Brooklyn, hippie queen Manessa is still smarting over the fact that 1) Juliet framed her. 2) Slutina hates her fugly guts. And 3) Her chiclet teeth boyfriend Dan doesn’t believe in her innocence. HA! Sucks to be you, Manessa.

Juliet retrieves the hidden camera from Colin’s apartment mere seconds before her cousin walks in and blasts her for still being in touch with her jailbird brother, Ben. Juliet clings to Ben’s innocence, even though Colin reminds her that his own lawyer told him to plead guilty. Hmm… Interesting backstory. I just need MORE of it, damnit! Colin warns Juliet to cut off all communication, or he’ll cut off her tuition and rent payments!

Dan has waffles with Roofus and basically admits he STILL has feelings for Slutina. Yawn.

Chuck runs into Blair outside campus, and despite her protests that they can’t be seen together, convinces her to hop into a nearby bush for a quickie! LOL. Totes ridicks! Blair doesn’t strike me as the type to go for blatant public sex, but it’s mildly amusing, so I’ll roll with it.

Upchuck’s been in and out of bushes all day! Wink.

Slutina and Wunderbite share a cab to campus, where she bemoans that they can’t be seen in public together at the Ballanchine ballet, so Colin proposes a weekend getaway and Slutina squeals with delight. Just as she gets out of the cab though, she’s spotted by Dan, who realizes she’s having an affair with Colin!

Busted!  (Dan’s like Where’s Waldo in the background.)

Better still, Slutina turns around and sees Blair and Upchuck slink away in opposite directions after their nasty little romp in the bushes! HA!

Double busted!

Jealous much, Slutina?

Juliet uploads her Peeping Tom photos to her laptop, and schedules an appointment with the Dean in order to expose Slutina for being the premiere skank of the Upper East Side.

Meanwhile, Nate drops by Juliet’s faux apartment to drop off the last of her crap, and is rudely informed by the doorman that no one by that name has lived in the building in the 8 years he’s worked there. Uh oh! Tripled busted! Seems the truth is just SPILLING out all over the place in this episode!

What started off as a comical pas de deux between Upchuck and Blair as they tried to keep their love-hate sex affair under wraps quickly gave way to a full-scale orchestration of masterful wits when Slutina tells Blair that she saw her getting “Chucked.” Blair admits it was a moment of weakness (okay, multiple moments of weakness) but she’s not falling for him. “There’s about as many feelings between me and Chuck as there are thoughts in Levi Johnston’s head.” LOL. She then explains that she and Upchuck are simply “enemies with benefits.”

“You mean I could be having sex with my enemies, too?”

Blair tells Slutina that she’s being a hypocritical and judgmental bitch, and the two besties agree that the wise thing to do is to end both of their affairs.

Manessa is overjoyed when Nate drops by to tell her that he’s just discovered what a big fat liar Juliet is. She then eagerly agrees to help him expose her for the fraud she is.

Dan blasts Slutina for her affair with her professor, and then sweetly tells her that she deserves better, that Colin should quit his job if he truly loved her. “You’re worth more than a guest lecture fee. Everyone knows that. I just wish you did.” Aww!

Upchuck porks Blair one more time in the limo before they part ways. But while Blair thinks evasion is the key to her success, Upchuck seems to think he needs full immersion therapy; ie. lots of condoms for round the clock sex with Blair. Eww!

Too much of a good thing? Having sex with Blair ONCE should be enough to be repulsed by her forever!

Colin’s excited for his covert getaway with Slutina, but she throws a bucket of cold water on his plans when she tells him that it’s simply a case of bad timing between them and that she needs a “Colin Cleanse.” Wunderbite grits his teeth and storms off.

Nate’s having coffee with Juliet to distract her while Manessa ransacks her apartment. Juliet finally confesses to Nate that she’s been lying to him this whole time because she is embarrassed that she is poor. Yup! She returns clothes, dyes her own hair, and lives in a fifth-story walk-up furnished by IKEA! Eww! Run, Nate, run! But Nate’s bleeding heart goes out to her and he invites her to the ballet, then texts the goon squad and asks Manessa to call things off.

“I’m so poor that I can only afford this invisible arm sling.”

Of course, Manessa is annoyed – and too nosy for her own good. She immediately spies Juliet’s laptop with the incriminating photos of Slutina kissing Colon, and a wicked smile plays over her face. Dun dun dun!

Manessa turning to the dark side? Okay, now I’m intrigued!

Blair decides to perform a “Bassectomy” on herself, which includes long bubble baths and stuffing her face with bon bons and macaroons. She flips out when her box of Godiva runs dry, but luckily Slutina arrives with a fresh box to appease Jabba.

What a friggin’ pig!

Soo-wee!

Juliet tells Colon that she has reconsidered his mandate to cut off ties with Ben because she has fallen for Nate. It’s hard for her though, because Ben used to be such an idealistic, young teacher. OMFG! I think I know what his backstory is now!! What if he was a professor at the boarding school that Slutina went to? And he got caught having an affair with her, and he went to jail for statutory rape?! But he blames Slutina for his folly, and now wants to destroy her, by proving that she always sleeps with her teachers?! And Colin doesn’t know because Slutina was a minor and her records were sealed!! Hmm. I think I’m kinda genius! LOL.

Upchuck shows up at Blair’s for sex, but luckily Dorota busts in at the nick of time.

That’s funny. Blair has the same silk robe. In the same size. (Large.)

Since Slutina dumped Colon and no longer has a date to the ballet, she calls up wet rag Dan who jumps at the chance to be her faithful lap dog for the evening.

Blair is shocked when Colon shows up and tells her that he wants to be with Slutina so bad that he told the Dean he quit his job. Blair is impressed, and whisks him off to the ballet to go find Slutina. Uh oh!

Stop eating, fatty!!

Juliet nearly has a heart attack when she finds Manessa lying in wait for her at her apartment. Manessa whips out the disc of photos and – gasp! – apologizes because now she thinks Juliet was right all along; Slutina “WAS” trading sex for grades! Ha! Leave it to dummy Manessa to get it twisted. In fact, black sheep Manessa releases her inner black swan and asks Juliet to help her take down Slutina and clear her name. Juliet actually turns her down, and deletes the pics from her laptop … but sneaky lil’ Manessa walks off with the computer chip!

“I get a juicy storyline for once?!”

Nate chides Dan for drooling over Slutina from afar. Blair trots Colon over to Slutina, and Dan has to watch in horror as his “date” makes out with another dude. Hahahahaha!

Why so bitter? You’re the one being a bitch!

Uphuck continues to stalk Blair for public sex, Dan throws a huge hissy fit at Slutina, and Manessa makes a tacky cameo, then lets it slip to Nate that she’s aiming to publicly destroy Slutina with the photos she found at Juliet’s apartment.

Juliet stops Manessa mere seconds before she hands over the damning evidence on the memory card to the Dean. But then Manessa clues her in that Nate was distracting her that afternoon, and that he’s already turning against her. “Face it. At the end of the day, you’re an outsider just like me,” she hisses. Poor Juliet. Manessa successfully woos her to the dark side, and both girls confront the Dean.

“Hey, Dean? I have a lil’ movie you need to watch. It’s called Sleazy A.”

This is where the episode spins out of control. Nate and Blair get sucked into the convo with the Dean, as well as Colon and Slutina. Juliet throws Wunderbite under the bus with Slutina. Then Blair snatches the memory drive and destroys it by tossing it into her champagne flute. The Dean’s head starts spinning like Linda Blair’s in The Exorcist when Blair “admits” that she was the one having the affair with Colin, and Upchuck pops up out of nowhere to corroborate this tall tale. The Dean is so annoyed she just walks away. Juliet and Manessa are annoyed that no one believes them, and that once again, Slutina won. And Colon is SUPER annoyed that Juliet betrayed him, so he cuts off all of her finances!!

Beware the wrath of Wunderbite!

The gang decides to kick Juliet while she’s down, and they literally circle the wagons around her give her the verbal equivalent of a public stoning. Nate turns his back on her, Blair makes fun of her hair, and Upchuck threatens her harm if she shows her face at Columbia again. Jeez!!

These kids are worse than the mafia!!

Not two seconds after Slutina kisses Colon goodnight and hops out of his limo, she’s calling Dan to stop by for a late night chat. Of course, Dan is such a girl that he comes running. And of course, Nate bumps into Slutina and asks for a second chance, just as Lonely Boy gets out of a cab and gets his heart served to him on a platter. How convenient!!

You have three suitors?! Make up your mind, slut!!

Upchuck and Blair have a fireside chat and agree to be friends … then he scoops her up and carries her upstairs for more sex. Oh, brother!!

And finally, Juliet is video chatting with a mysterious benefactor, thanks to a “mysterious friend” who thinks they share all the same UES enemies. OMG! At first, I thought she was Skyping with Whorgina Sparks!! But, it turns out it’s Little J!!! (Just as juicy, if you ask me!) Juicier still, the mysterious friend in common turns out to be none other than Manessa!!

Jenny Humphrey?!

Viva Team Fug!!

WHOA! II didn’t expect Juliet’s fall from grace to be so dramatic. And I did NOT see that little twist ending coming! So Juliet, Little J, and Manessa are all gonna team up to take down Team Slutina?! I LOVE this! I was literally shouting, “Bravo!” at the writers for a change. What did you all think of it? As always, leave your lovely comments. And thanks for the warm wishes! Especially from Libithina! You know you love me! Xoxo, Gossip Slife