Welcome to another week on the Upper East Side…and believe you me, shit got GOOD this week. The episode opens with Nate trying to solve the mystery of who tried to kill him. Or at least who ordered a faulty town car for him and accidentally put Chuck and Blair in it. He decides to make a deal with the devil—Gossip Girl—to find out whodunit. Meanwhile, Chuck has resorted to the last trick in every desperate man’s book: stalking.
Blair and Beatrice are busy planning what is probs the most boring bachelorette party in the last decade. It sounds like it’s pretty much going to be a bunch of “refined” people picking at their dinners and sipping on Shirley Temples. Blah. Well at least they’re inviting Serena so things may take a turn for the better. She also invites Beatrice to be a bridesmaid. This new trusting Blair is really weird. Doesn’t she know Beatrice has ulterior motives?
Dan and Serena are continuing their fake-lationship, and I must say it’s a pretty brilliant move by Serena. Just convince a guy you like to pretend to date you, and you get to hang out with him all the time. Dan goes out of his way (meaning he leaves Brooklyn) to see Serena, AND he pays for their ridiculously overpriced cappuccinos. I’m starting to think I have dating all wrong.
Next, Blair is at confessional. Again, Blair being trusting AND a devout Catholic is throwing me for a loop.
Don’t be surprised if a Gossip Girl writer bursts into flames for this blasphemy.
What’s next? Will Chuck slum it in Brooklyn? Will Nate date someone who still has their period?
ANYWAY, Blair relates that she didn’t hold the elevator for a smelly person. EVIL. Then she also admits that she dreams about a man who is not her husband, the incorrigible Chuck Bass! Well if there’s one piece of advice I can give you, Blair, it’s that your dreams don’t necessarily mean anything. I had a dream the other night about a cat ghost trying to kill me. I actually woke up screaming. I mean, really? A cat ghost? That’s pretty freaking stupid. Anyway, Blair goes on to say that she wants Father Smythe (the one in the confessional) to be the head of the church in Monaco, not that snake Father Crivalli (spelling is based on sound not accuracy. I have no freaking idea if I’m getting these names right). The priest agrees, but we quickly find out that it’s actually Crivalli in the booth. He is going to use this information about Chuck to DESTROY Blair.
Gossip Girl has shared with Nate a photo of Max counting an envelope of money outside the event the night of the car crash. While it doesn’t say much to me, Nate seems to think that Max has something to do with orchestrating the town car with the faulty brakes. He thinks Max was paid off. I think Max was paid off to get the hell out of New York, but who knows.
Beatrice meets up with the corrupt priest to hash out the details on how to destroy Blair. The priest draws on centuries of wisdom and suggests getting Blair drunk. Beatrice almost looks like she’s having second thoughts, but her lust for power keeps her from having a full attack of conscience.
Serena and Dan meet up with her mom and Rufus for the launch of Serena’s column. Serena poses with a cab billboard ad and an iPad with her column on it. The only problem is that the webpage for her column does not exist. Serena tries to smile through the pain, but the moment is clearly over.
We flash to Nate who has just deleted the page, which is why it didn’t show up. Nate apparently has done Gossip Girl a favor by getting rid of Serena’s column. Tsk Tsk Nate…getting in bed with Gossip Girl will not end well for you.
Meanwhile, Dan meets up with his agent who advises him to give Serena the boot. As long as he’s tied with Serena in the press, all any editor is going to want from Dan is a sequel to Inside. Well seriously, even if he weren’t “dating” Serena, I’m pretty sure that is all any editor would want from him anyway. Dan then proceeds to call Serena and have an awkward conversation asking her to delete the parts about their current relationship. Serena tells him the column has been put on hold indefinitely, to which Dan cheers and then lamely tries to console her. This pretend relationship is doomed. I’m almost starting to feel bad for Serena.
Why doesn’t anyone love me?
Blair runs into Chuck and accuses him of following her. Instead of making a denial like a normal person, Chuck digs himself in deeper and details out Blair’s schedule to her. Beatrice whisks Blair away before any damage can be done, and the two decide that maybe a more traditional bachelorette party should be in the works. Shit’s about to get trashy up in Gossip Girl!
Serena breezily walks into Nate’s office and finds out that Nate killed her column because of gossip girl. Before Nate’s assistant can stop her, Serena uploads her column to the NY Spectator site. Um okay. There are two things that really bother me, because this is the second time someone has fucked with Nate’s office computer. One, why in god’s name doesn’t Nate lock his computer? He is running a website that is literally a virtual gossip column about New York, not running a Pizza Hut. You think he’d have a little more security precautions. And two, this assistant is literally the WORST assistant ever. She constantly lets people walk all over her and into Nate’s office. Don Draper would have fired her three weeks ago. And slept with her twice.
Maybe if you spent more time doing your job, and less time making your hair look retarded, you would be a better assistant!
Dan is pitching ideas for his second novel, and its going predictably awful. After suffering through ideas about a western (seriously?) or a novel about Manhattan 100 years in the future, the editors basically poo poo all over Dan and tell him they want a sequel to Inside. If Dan writes a sequel to Inside, maybe they will just rerun the episode they already did about when Inside came out. Blahhhh.
Back at the NY Spectator, Nate and Serena are fighting about her underhanded attempt to get her column published. Serena accuses Nate of working for Gossip Girl, and Nate says the information he’s getting from her is too valuable to ignore. Apparently, Trip is behind the car plot. PS: I kind of hate when Gossip Girl brings back random characters from 1-2 seasons ago and make them the mastermind behind everything that has gone wrong lately for our main characters. It’s such a stupid plot trick and so unconvincing. Anyway, Nate fires Serena (this day has not gone well for her, and I’m pretty sure it started with that stupid sweater she’s wearing). The assistant (I don’t know her name, but I think I will just call her sad horns from now on because her hair is the visual representation of that phrase) manages to catch the whole thing on video, AND send it to Gossip Girl. Oh SNAP.
Father D-bag surprises Chuck in his penthouse suite (does the Hotel Empire not have security?) and informs him of the change of plans for B’s bachelorette party. He offers to help Chuck crash it so that Chuck can get a moment alone with Blair.
It’s time for B’s bachelorette party! They are going to bar called Panchito’s which is apparently full of “bridge and tunnel” types. Aw, I love it when Gossip Girl makes fun of middle class people. It really warms the heart. Also, I kind of hate that its dead-on as I went to a bar called Bandito’s just a few nights ago. Anyways, this bar seems like a lot more fun than the usual GG fare. It’s kind of like Jersey Shore lite.
The girls decided to play a drinking game. Blair has written down a list of the all secrets involving her exes. If the other girls guess who the secrets about, Blair has to take a shot. If they guess wrong, they have to take a shot. Sounds simple, but pretty easy to rig. Especially since Beatrice is texting all the answers to Blair’s minions! Anyway, Blair is getting super wasted face and its AWESOME.
Not being pregnant RULES!
Do they fist pump in Monaco?
Later, Blair thanks Beatrice for the awesome party. Beatrice asks Blair why she’s marrying Louis when she doesn’t love him. BOO BUZZKILLLLLL. Blair says “I totally love Louis! I just like love Chuck MORE. But its okay because like I’m meant to be with Louis. And I can totally learn to love him more, ya know?” I’m paraphrasing, but that’s basically what she said. Should I remind you of Blair’s drunk face again. Yes? Okay.
Meanwhile, Serena has met up with Trip to discuss the car plot. Trip is in full on denial, and Serena seems to believe him. She asks him who he thinks would have a motive to hurt Nate. Trip tries to place the blame on his wife, Maureen (real class act over here), and just then, Nate and his grandfather walk in. Grandfather reveals that Maureen was with him the night of the accident and was consulting with a divorce lawyer. There goes that attempt, Trip. Next please!
Chuck and Father Buttface show up at Panchito’s. The preist goes in the bar in search of Blair while chuck waits in the car. Just a few moments after the father walks in, Blair walks out to get some air. A loud obnoxious girl that we are supposed to assume is from Jersey asks B for a light. When Blair doesn’t have one, the girl puts her joint in Blair’s mouth and asks her to hold on to it for safekeeping while she finds a lighter. YEAH RIGHT. No respectable party girl would just give away her weed like that. How dumb is Blair? I don’t care how drunk she is, put two and two together girl!
What do you know? As Blair has the joint in her mouth, NY’s finest are on the approach! Blair hilariously tries to hit on the cops (I guess she thinks they’re strippers because she asks one to take his clothes off), and proceeds to get arrested for possession. I really wish every episode of Gossip Girl was like this.
Evening good, occifer! Fancy a smoke? Smoke a fancy?
Dan appears (out of NOWHERE) to try and stop the arrest, but unfortunately lonely boys have no sway over the NYPD. He accuses Chuck of being behind this as Blair gets handcuffed and pulled away.
Back to the Archibald melodrama. Trip confesses that yes it was he that messed with the brakes on the car that night. He was jealous because grandfather had chosen Nate to take over NY Spectator and wanted to get Nate a little banged up. So he paid off Max to do the dirty work, but Max just took the money and ran. Trip then did it himself, but he did the wrong car. Also, he apparently doesn’t understand much about car crashes because he thought that Nate would just a get a few cuts and bruises, not potentially die. Grandfather is PISSED and pretty much writes Trip out of his will. Nate takes the high road (as usual) and accuses Grandfather of always pitting him and Trip against each other. He tells him that he doesn’t need his backing at NY Spectator. He is going to meet with some potential new investors later. Go Nate! Girl power!
At the police station, Blair tries to accuse Beatrice of setting her up, but Beatrice makes up for it by showing Blair she bought off all the bystander’s cell phones containing videos of B getting arrested. Awww, how sweet. (and impossible).
Beatrice receives a call from the Father, but tells him she won’t play his game anymore. He is never going to leave the Church for her, so what’s the point? Well girl, you’re right. But maybe if you dress up like an 11-year-old boy, he will reconsider. Fingers crossed?
Serena tucks Blair into bed and calls Dan to report off. She tries to confess her love to him, but gets stalled when Chuck shows. Although she’s able to prevent Chuck from awakening Blair, Chuck says he won’t stop until he gets Blair to admit why she won’t talk to him anymore.
The next morning, Blair awakens with a hangover, and a revelation. She found Louis’ handwritten wedding vows, which speak to the essence of her soul or something like that. She is now convinced that she is making the right decision to marry Louis. See, she can totally like, learn to love him!
The preist banishes Beatrice to East Africa for missionary work, and Blair’s one (semi-shady) royal ally is gone!
Serena shamelessly lies to Dan and says Blair wants them to maintain their fake couplehood until the wedding. She even convinces him to take her dinner and a movie. Fuck, Serena is GOOD. She should write a dating book.
We also find out that Dan wrote Louis vows. SHOCKING.
Chuck and the Father continue to plot to break up Blair’s upcoming nuptials, and Chuck is back to being his bad-boy self.
That’s where this week ends. Next week (or really last week, I know I’m behind) is the wedding. It’s a super good episode, so I’m excited to recap it ASAP. Until then!