Gossip Girl Recap: Charlie fails

Hey everyone.  Sorry I’m so late with the recap this week. I’m trying to find a new place to live and that his been taking up all my free time lately. Nevertheless, I love reading everyone’s comments. It seems like most people are kinda disappointed with this season of Gossip Girl. I definitely relate.  I think the first two/three seasons were completely awesome, but now it’s kind of played out. They’ve done the main characters to death, so now they bring in these lame new characters in to spice things up, but it’s not really working. Plus all the twists the writers throw in make the plot points hard to follow.  Like last week, Louis is paying off this psychiatrist to do some recon on Chuck.  Where did she come from? Isn’t Louis from Monaco? Did he know her before? It was never really explained and now she seems like she’s out of the picture.  Anyway, I’ll get off my tangent here and get back to this week’s recap.

Welcome to another week on the Upper East Side, where manipulations, rumors, and bad hats rule the land.  Let’s start with what happened last week.  Blair held tryouts for her bridesmaids, and Charlie snagged the role by kissing Nate. Louis half-convinced a psychiatrist to expose Chuck as an evil man.  Chuck apologized to Blair for all his past wrong-doings. Dan’s movie deal fell through and his book took a dive off the best-seller list.  Nate continued his escapades with Diana but started to have doubts after his kiss with Charlie.  Serena contemplated blogging for Diana’s website, and Diana carried on as the most annoying British import since…Elizabeth Hurley.

“Diana” has this picture on her wall. I wonder if Diana’s ex was arrested for soliciting a L.A. hooker named Divine, too.  People don’t forget.

This week opens up with one of Blair’s classic old movie dreams.  This time, Chuck and Blair are on a tennis court and Chuck is trying to get Blair to come down off her post to talk to him. He tells her she can trust him, and she wakes up gasping for breath.

Dorota conveniently appears and says she thinks Mr. Chuck was sincere in his apology.  The headline in the newspaper is that Chuck is raising millions for charity, and there’s a super cute pic of him with Monkey on the Gossip Girl website. Blair is having none of it and vows to expose Chuck for the Bass-tard he really is.

What kind of sick freak raises money for charity AND loves animals? I suspect foul play.

At casa de Chuck y Nate, Nate tells Chuck about his woes with Diana. Chuck suggests that Nate ditch the biotch and explore his options. It looks like Nate and Diana may be a power couple no more.

Meanwhile, Rufus and Lilly are skyping with Dan who is allegedly on a book tour in Vermont.  Except not really.  Dan’s currently touring his couch in Brooklyn, NY, which Rufus quickly realizes after a well-placed call to Dan’s agent.

Serena is trying to figure out what to do about her blog and Charlie suggests a somewhat good idea. Serena just needs to stage fake scenes and rumors for Gossip Girl, and then post the real story on her blog. Sounds pretty foolproof, that is, until Gossip Girl figures it out. Gossip Girl does not strike me as dumb.  BTW, I don’t know if this is just me, but when I read the books back in the day, I totally thought Gossip Girl was Serena. The show doesn’t make it seem that way at all, however.

At the office, Nate tells Charlie that he cannot stop thinking about her.  Charlie tries to brush him off and avoid the mean mugging from Diana.

Blair is continuing her descent into bad fashion during a stroll in the park with Dorota. I guess that now she’s almost a member of the royal family, bad hats are part of the package?

Just because you’re worth millions, doesn’t mean you don’t look like a butthole.  PS: Do you think Dorota feels degraded that she has to wear a slutty Halloween costume every day? Discuss.

B runs into Chuck who his walking Monkey and sidestepping the paparazzi. How could HE go to HER duck pond? He must really be a slimy jerk.  Blair will get to the bottom of this!

Diana calls Charlie into her office and gives her the low-down on Nate. She advises Charlie to stay away and tells her she better get Serena all over Gossip Girl.  Charlie cries a little bit about how important her career is to her.  I think it’s a desperate effort to appear legitimate, and distract Diana from the fact that Charlie is dressed up like an extra from Dazed and Confused.

Fry like bacon you freshman pig!!

Remember Charlie’s boyfriend, “Max”, that she ditched for life of fame in fortune in NYC? No? Me either. Well, he’s back, and Serena has conveniently run into him on the street. He’s looking for his ex “Ivy” and is on his way to a job interview at an important restaurant.  Charlie calls and Serena tells her about the hot new guy she’s met, and Charlie advises her to go after him as step one of her Gossip Girl scheme. Serena decides to take a break from taking a break and shows Max the way to the interview and into her pants…

Serena decides that using Max is not going to get her anywhere and ditches him before things get to serious.

Charlie is out stalking Serena so she can get a picture to send to Gossip Girl.  Nate follows her and begs for some more affection, but Charlie is distracted when she sees Max emerge from the woodwork.  She quickly kisses Nate, confusing the issue even more. Not to mention, Gossip Girl gets the pic.

Diana confronts Charlie after seeing the kiss on Gossip Girl’s website.  She tells Charlie that she needs to ask Nate out on date. Not sure how this will work in Diana’s favor, but I know it’s all scheme, scheme, plot, plot up in that twisted skank’s brain.  I’m sure she’ll make it work.

Blair furthers her plan of attack by getting tickets to Chuck’s benefit tonight. The benefit is some kind of live-action play where the guests wear masks and travel from room to room. Each room is a “scene” in the play. I think that’s how it works anyway. These people are always coming up with creative new ways to party.  As far as I’m concerned, there are only two types of parties: 1) get drunk inside or 2) get drunk outside.

Max shows up to the office (luckily Charlie is MIA) and Diana somehow puts two and two together and realizes that Max is Charlie’s ex.  She does some scheming and tells Max to go to the benefit with Serena tonight.  Serena goes home to change and tells Max to meet her there.  Sounds like trouble…

Nate and Charlie show up at the party together, but Charlie’s clearly nervous.  Her voice has gone from social smoker to terminal lung cancer.  She steps off to consult with Diana but Diana won’t give her any information, so Charlie enters the masked area with Nate.  Meanwhile, Max shows up and Diana tells him that he’s just missed Serena.  She says that Serena is wearing a gold dress (the color dress Charlie is wearing) and to go in the party and look for her. Blair is already inside and is on the hunt for Chuck.

When Serena shows, Diana tells her that Max hasn’t arrived yet.  Serena suggests that she go look for him, but Diana begs to differ. “Women like us don’t do that.” She tells Serena to wait patiently. Seriously? Hot girls don’t go looking for their guy, they just wait patiently for him to arrive.  No thanks.  If Serena is really that hot, then she would just say fuck it and go in the party without Max, and then make out with another dude.  Well honestly, that’s probably what she really would do if she wasn’t being so easily manipulated by Diana.

Charlie and Nate meet up inside (I guess they had gotten separated before), and start rehashing the creepy party.  Nate peeps Diana staring in the distance and suggests the party will be more awesome if they remain split up, which Charlie totally buys. BTW, I think this shot proves that this show is getting a little too weird for network TV:

Scream 4 would have been 10 times scarier if this bitch was the killer.

When Nate and Diana talk, Diana implies that Charlie is using Nate to make an ex jealous.  Nate doesn’t look he’s sold on that idea but Diana seems to have more up her sleeve.

While Serena realizes she’s been stood up, Blair corners Chuck alone at the party.  She attempts to seduce Chuck with red hots and getting a little too close for comfort.  Chuck, never the one to resist mediocre dollar store candy, pulls in Blair for a passionate kiss.

One of the actors had his period in the bathtub.

Next time I’ll use the super-jumbo tampons to control my flow!

Diana walks up to Charlie and tells her to go kiss “Nate”, who is really Max, which Charlie blindly follows. WTF? This is a pretty big stretch, and definitely not the first time the GG writers have pulled such a dumb stunt. I mean come on…Max is smaller and has totally different hair. And as for Max, I’m pretty sure he thought he was kissing Serena. I mean I get that both Charlie and Serena are blond and Diana gave Max the wrong info about the dress, but Serena has about 5 inches and two cup sizes on Charlie. Get it together. How dumb are these people?

I don’t care who you are.  Periods always make me horny.

Nate sees the whole thing go down….Diana’s scheme completely worked. Check. Mate.

Blair slaps Chuck for daring to kiss her after she came on to him.  I don’t think this proves that Chuck is an asshole; it just proves that he’s a man in his early twenties.  Is he supposed to stare sexual temptation in the face and say no? I just don’t get it.  It’s not like he has girl he has to worry about either.  Sometimes these schemes don’t really work out for me, but who cares? Chuck and Blair are SO getting back together.

Rufus finds Dan alone at home and they have heart to heart about Dan’s successes and failures. Rufus waxes nostalgic about the bad old days when his band played to like, 7 people.  He tells Dan to keep trying and convinces him to go back on tour.

Max and Charlie/Ivy (ugh back to this again) step outside and Max confronts her about leaving him in the cold. He tells her that he met Serena and wants to get to know her better. Charlie/Ivy begs to get him back, but he stands his ground and walks away to find Serena.   This is getting a little like a Beyonce song.

I had to UPGRADE ya.

Diana steps in and furthers Charlie’s downward spiral by firing her, and then blasting the news to Gossip Girl. Aww. I know a lot of people hate on Charlie, but she’s kind of growing on me. Growing like the bacteria in her lungs.  Plus I hate to see Diana win.

Later on at Nate and Chuck’s place, Chuck tells Nate that he had to kiss Blair to “set her free”.  LOL. What a bunch of BS.  Don’t play with me Chuck, you know that you are going to break up Blair and Louis. Diana then shows up and she and Nate proceed to make up. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, when can we get rid of her? Doesn’t Elizabeth Hurley have some terrible Brendan Fraiser movie to star in? I would advocate for a Bedazzled: The Remake if it would mean she was off this show.

Serena comes home to find a distressed Charlie, who pretends to be upset over the Gossip Girl blast.  This is enough to push Serena to starting the blog.

At the end of the show we find out some interesting information.  Dan is still not on tour, Max sees the gossip girl blast about Charlie (Ivy?), anddddddd….Diana is working for William Archibald (Nate’s grandfather!).  I don’t know yet what William’s motivation is yet, but I can’t wait to see this play out, so Diana can be exposed for the evil lying twat she really is!

Until next time! XOXO.

Oh, and PS: Do you remember a couple weeks ago I made fun of Daniel Day Lewis? Well, apparently, in the next month or so, he is going to be shooting scenes for his new movie, like, across the street from my house.  Which is kind of funny, because I live in the butthole of Virginia (aka Richmond). I think he planned it on purpose cause I made fun of him on the internet. Karma is real, you guys.

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