Gossip Girl Recap: Fake Jews, Fake Relationships, and Fake People

Previously, on Gossip Girl: Dan’s novel got released and everyone was super pissed. Except Chuck, who didn’t have enough feelings to care.

This week, we open up with Blair and Louis. They are getting ready to announce to the fam that they’re in the family way.

Diana and her company are about to launch NY spectator’s website.  There’s an office full of employees getting ready for the launch. Wait, didn’t she fire everyone two episodes ago?  Did she hire them all back? Can you imagine the email? Hey everyone, Just Kidding! I was super horny and needed you to GET OUT. Now, come back! Kisses, D.

Louis mom and sister come up to B’s apartment to meet with B’s family.  They look like a bunch of uptight elitists…so much so that the Waldorfs look like a laid-back working class family who pinches pennies to eat off the dollar menu.

You have a penthouse apartment in the Upper East Side? Please. This chick behind me? She was hired specifically to give you dirty looks.

Blair and Louis tell the families that Blair is pregnant, and everyone’s mostly supportive. Louis’ mom (the queen?) says it’s all good as long as B and L tie the knot before the baby comes.  Nothing like a shotgun wedding to keep it classy!

At the VDW’s, Rufus is throwing a one-person pity party and continuing to ignore Dan’s calls. Lily tries to talk some sense into him, but there’s no arguing with irrationality. If you’ve ever worked retail, you know what I mean.

It doesn’t matter that the coupon expired in 1999. The customer is ALWAYS right!

Sidebar: I worked in retail for 7 years.  I friggin hated it most of the time but I have a lot of funny stories.  I worked in the same shopping center twice, first at a dry cleaner and second at a bank. We had this one semi-functioning alcoholic who came in the cleaners once and asked me if he could pick up his dry cleaning without paying for it. He was like, can’t I start a tab? I think he thought he was at the bar. He got pretty pissed at me because I said no, and when he asked to see the manager I told him I was the manager. (I wasn’t. I was in high school. Hahaha).  Anyways, a couple years later, his alcoholism must have progressed, because he walked into the bank, walked straight back into our break room, and I shit you not, took a piss in the sink.  He then walked out like it was all good and nothing happened. If he wasn’t such an asshole to me, he would kind of be my hero.

ANYWAY, back to the Upper East Side. Our favorite functioning alcoholic, Chuck, has taken his pooch to the dog park.  Dan and Nate meet up with him, and oh yeah, Nate’s still pissed at Dan about being left out of the book.  It’s kind of funny that Rufus is pissed at Dan for slandering him, but Nate is pissed at Dan for NOT slandering him.  Make up your minds people! Chuck thinks Dan just needs some new accessories.

This would really bring out the submissiveness in your eyes.

Chuck then runs into a Psychiatrist and decides it’s the perfect opportunity to get his head examined, and maybe some other body parts too.

Over at Poser.com (aka NY Spectator’s office), the site is like 15 seconds from launch, when everyone is mass texted with a Gossip Girl blast.  The text proclaims that a gossip girl like faker stole a bunch of cell phones from the fashion party, stole data off them, and then returned them.  WOMP WOMP. Diana decides to delay the launch, but its kinda obvious that she thinks Charlie is behind the blast.

Juliette talks with her mom and tries to convince her that B needs to be locked down.  Juliette says B is super controlling (true) and won’t bow to tradition (also true).  Her mom is skeptical but looks easy to convince.

Serena meets up with Dan for brunch and apologizes for her anger. Hey, Dan, its more than okay you called me a stupid whore.  Like Ke$ha says, we are who we are.  So, about those movie rights…

Never one to resist simple flattery, Dan excitedly calls his agent and tell him Serena’s boss wants to produce his film. His agent is like, yeah who cares? I’ve got Harvey Weinstein on the other line and he wants the rights too.

Diana tells Charlie to go get some dirt on the Upper East Side…or Charlie’s secret will be out.  After hearing about the Waldorf Yom Kippur celebration, Diana quickly converts to Judaism to take part in the festivities.  This bitch gets around.

Louis’ mom tells B that the baby must be born in Monaco….OR ELSE. There’s nothing like a good old fashioned empty threat to foster family togetherness.  Hey, it wouldn’t be the holidays without it!

This is how we bond in Monaco.  Keeping you down is keeping this family together.

BTW, I can’t wait for the birthing scene. There’s nothing like watching a control freak lose all control.

Chuck drops by the psychiatrist’s office for a little therapy.  But it turns out he’s looking for some sexual healing, and the doc isn’t willing to treat. Disgusted, she throws Chuck out before he can argue his way into her pants.

Charlie goes home to vent to Lilly about her work woes. Lilly suggests a life of gold digging and high end prostitution. Hey, it worked for Lilly! She also reveals that her late husband, Bart Bass, had done some private investigating on the VDW family and the files are in the safe. If only Charlie could find a way in…

Serena watches Dan’s interview in horror as he discusses producers competing over the film rights to inside, but doesn’t mention Serena’s company.  Blair drops by right then to vent about her baby-grandmama-drama, but Serena is having none of it. Hello, B? Your complaints have nothing to do with S so you might as well save your breath.  Serena’s boss catches S gabbing with B and lights a fire up Serena’s ass. Serena’s boss, by the way, is one of those 40-somethings that are a little too skinny, and seriously creep me out.

I hired you to whore yourself, not gossip. Do not piss off skeletor!

B tries to convince S to quit her job, but Serena refuses. Blair decides fuck it, my friends suck, I’m moving to Monaco!

Charlie convinces Rufus and Lilly to go to the Waldorf’s for the night to she can figure out how to break into the safe and get some dirt on the VDWs.  She enlists Nate’s help, who has decided that sit there and look pretty is not a career path.  For now.

Sooo um, remember how a couple paragraphs back, I said that Serena’s boss creeped me out?  She just called Dan “F. Scott Fitzjackass”. She officially wins this episode, because that is the funniest f-ing nickname I have heard in awhile. She then proceeds to read Serena the riot act for not scoring the rights to Dan’s movie.  I actually feel bad for S, because it’s a pretty impossible situation.

Dan and his agent are salivating over the Oscar potential of a Harvey Weinstein produced Inside, when his agent receives a call.  Apparently HW is dropping out because it was announced Inside is going with Jane Bettinger (Serena’s boss). Dan is all WTF?

Juliette dishes to Diana about the royal family drama. Louis doesn’t care about his title or his family the way Juliette does. Boo hood. Diana plots with Juliette to help destroy B in exchange for the inside scoop of the royal family feud.  A strange new connection is born. Is it just me, or do these two look like they’re about to make out?

Les-be-honest.

Sophie has apparently drawn up some documents for Blair to sign before Sophie returns to Monaco. MR. Hall, I mean Cyrus, looks them over and points out the B is not allowed to return to NYC for more than 48 hours at a time or face losing the custody of her child. Blair is “outraged”, and by that I mean, ecstatic.  Here’s a whole new way to give up her baby without abortion or adoption. She’s saved! Sorry guys. I know you were looking forward to a Teen Mom/Gossip Girl crossover.  Better luck with Serena.

Charlie and Nate try to break into the safe. Luckily, Nate texts Chuck, who has the combo.  Meanwhile, Chuck is stalking the psychiatrist, and finds her coming out of Yom Kippur services. Chuck would be creepy if he wasn’t so friggin amazing.

Dan stops by Serena’s office to find out WTF is going on.  He tries to blame Jane for the false leak, but S comes clean and says it was her own idea. Dan can’t believe it. The slutty ex-girlfriend who broke his heart stabbed him in the back? Who would have predicted this? Oh yeah…ANYONE.

Louis and Blair confront Sophie about the custody agreement. Sophie doesn’t know about the ridiculous clauses, but figures out who’s behind it: Juliette.  Shocking twist: she takes Juliette’s side. She says that if Blair and Louis don’t sign the contract, she will not acknowledge the child. Or them.

Juliette reminds me of those spoiled kids like on My Super Sweet 16.  She’s a total asshole, but her mom will go to her grave defending and enabling her because she doesn’t want to admit she raised such a shitty person.

I’m SPECIAL!!!

Nate and Charlie get into the safe, but Nate convinces Charlie to put the files back.  He advises Charlie that she’ll find her place…the right way.  Yeah, that is about as likely as Serena going to church.  Or Lindsay Lohan quitting drugs.  Not gonna happen.

Chuck catches up with the psychiatrist, who rips him a new Bass-hole.  She says he never had a childhood, so he acts like a child. His lack of intimacy leaves him isolated and alone. Chuck, is like, yeah so? Admit it. You totally want me.

You don’t find emotional instability attractive? This is why I date women under 30.

Serena and Dan chat some more at the office. She admits her apology was for show so she could get the movie rights.  Then she tells Dan that he was the love of her life.  Dan totally takes the bait.  How does he not see right through this? It’s clearly the same manipulation disguised in a different form. The love of Serena’s life is herself.

Blair and her mommy have a heart to heart, and Eleanor gives B some parenting advice.  She says children don’t always do what you want them to do when you want them to do it, but you love them anyway.  Rufus is inspired to make up with Dan. It just warms the heart, doesn’t it?

No.

Blair and Serena have a heart to heart as well.  Serena apologizes for being self-absorbed and confesses she is jealous of B because Blair was the star of Dan’s book. Cry me a river, S.  Blair’s hair looks like mine after a rough night out.

I kinda drank a bottle of wine when no one was looking. ShHHhhHH. Do I look as feel as I drunk?

Diana returns the VDW files to Charlie and tells her to put them back before anyone realizes they’re gone…but not before removing something mysterious from Bart’s file.

Dan calls Serena and tells her that he’s giving her company the rights.  Manipulation successful!

Before we end…a bunch of confusing stuff happens. Chuck calls the psychiatrist and admits he needs help.  Diana pulls out an old-school photo of herself from Bart’s file. (??) And Louis makes a call to Chuck’s psychiatrist and asks for help investigating Blair, because he found B’s paternity test results. Hmmmm…this is getting good.

There’s no episode next week, and this one left on a lot of cliffhangers.  I’m not sure how they’re going to connect the psychiatrist to Louis, but I’m sure they’ll find a way.  Clearly, Diana is here for a purpose, and she must be more connected to the Upper East siders than I originally thought.  I also feel like they’re leading into a Serena/Dan reunification, which is super boring. Basically all the boy/girl pairs have done each other to death a hundred times.  That’s why I make a lot of gay jokes, because let’s face it, it’s the only thing we haven’t seen and I think it would make the show much more interesting. A Dan/Chuck relationship would be the icing on the cake this season. Well, that’s it for now! Thanks for reading and feel free to comment on whatever! XOXO