Gossip Girl Recap: Hoes to Perdition

Good afternoon! After last week’s glorious Diana departure, it looks like this week with be another win with the exposing of Charlie.

This week opens up with Charlie and Lilly scanning Lilly’s impressive collection of lame outfits. (So I meant to type lamé here but then I forgot the accent and honestly lame seemed more appropriate anyway.) They are recreating studio 54 for a party, and grandma CiCi is the guest of honor. (I also suspect that CiCi is actually spelled CeeCee but I like CiCi’s pizza so I am taking some liberties here.)

They make mac & cheese on a pizza. How could I not like them?

Max and Serena return home from a 24-hour date in the city that never sleeps, and Serena is SMITTEN. She agrees to hang out with Max later and he promises to help make a cake for CiCi’s party tonight.

Dan is stalking amazon.com and posting rebuttals to all his negative reviews. Rufus tries to call him out for being such a loser, but Dan has outsmarted the general public yet again. He’s posting under the alias “danfan”. No one would ever put two and two together and figure that maybe this danfan and Dan Humphrey are the same person. This is why Dan is an outsider. He’s smarter than you.

Just when Dan thinks maybe he’s overreacting, he gets an all too conveniently timed gossip girl e-blast. The blast details the haters of Dan, giving props to an especially prolific “ihatehumphrey”. The avatar originality is astonishing in this episode.

Nate taking over as editor, and gives a speech to his staff.  He wants things to be more ethical. One of his writers  says she has a lead on a congressional wife having an affair. Nate tells her that it’s pretty tired stuff and she needs to dig deeper to find an interesting spin on this same ole story. The staffer then drops that the congressman in question is Nate’s cousin Tripp.

Max and Charlie meet up at a diner to discuss the blackmail. Max is growing impatient and says he is using Serena as an insurance policy. He says if she doesn’t pay up soon S will find out that char is a “white trash wannabe”. What, the I smoke 2-packs a day voice didn’t give it away?

Carole calls Charlie and says that she can’t make any withdrawals over $50K without her mom’s approval.  Carole suggests that they make CiCi think it’s her idea, and that Charlie keep Serena from seeing Max again.  At home, Serena dishes to Charlie about the date. Charlie poo poos all over it, and reminds Serena that Max stood her up before. This is what friends are for, right? Serena insists that Max is different from all the other jerk-offs, because  he is from Portland, and he goes hiking and shit. LOL, someone who is outdoorsy and from a different state could never use you, right Serena? Charlie cautions Serena against moving too fast, So Serena agrees to cancel her cake date for the afternoon.  It is literally unbelievable how easy it is to manipulate Serena.

Blair shows up to Chuck’s yoga session at his apartment because she wants  to pinpoint the source of Chuck’s light in order to bring Louis out of darkness. I am serious, that is pretty much a direct quote from the episode. It sounds like Blair has broken into Chuck’s green.

Or maybe Chuck’s broken into his own green. How else could you do yoga in a suit?

Nate sits down with his grandpa, and says he wants to run the Tripp story but will talk to Tripp first.  This show kind of trips (or “Tripps” haha) me out because the grandparents are not much older than my actual parents.  Of my surviving grandparents, my grandmother is 86 and my grandfather will be 101 in two weeks. They could not give a crap about any professional decisions I make, much less crap anywhere besides their pants. Just kidding, both of them are able to take care of themselves, but it does blow my mind that the grandparents on this show are mid/late 60s and still very involved.

So Carole is back in NYC. She and Charlie breeze into Lilly’s apartment having a very obvious conversation meant to be heard by CiCi about buying Charlie her  own place with trust fund money. CiCi sees right through this trap and accuses Carole of using Charlie for her own financial gain. She isn’t far off, actually. I really can’t wait for the real Charlie to appear. Anyways, Carole says she is just trying to help her daughter, and storms out.  Cici starts looking a little faint and tries to open her pills. She tells Charlie that it’s just her blood pressure, but Charlie looks doubtful.  BTW, I looked up this pills CiCi was taking and they are definitely not for blood pressure. I won’t ruin the surprise, but yeah, CiCi is totally hiding something.

Meanwhile, Serena leaves Max a voicemail and cancels the cake plans. Max texts Charlie and says if he doesn’t have the cash in 24 hours, the jig is up.

Charlie tells CiCi she had a friend who took those pills before and brings her some ginger tea to help with the dizziness. Now that Charlie has some dirt on Cici, Cici agrees to release funds from the account.

Nate and Tripp sit down to discuss the scandal.  Tripp seems to think things have been suspicious for awhile.  He agrees to let Nate run the story, and asks him not to make it any uglier due to their past.  Tripp says that now he and Nate are even.  Doubt that, biotch! Anyways, Nate decides to postpone the story because he thinks Maureen is lying about the situation.

Dan is stalking “ihatehumphrey” with some kind of hater GPS.

I hope this isn’t a real app or I’m going to be in trouble…

He asks the neighbor, “do you know who lives here? don’t worry I’m not a stalker, the person who lives here is.” LOL worst detective ever. Guess who answers the door? Alessandra, his agent!

Blair is with Chuck at the psychiatrist, who calls her out on wanting Louis to be more like Chuck. Blair tries to deny her way out of it, and  Chuck tells her about Harry Winston engagement ring.  Blair walks out before she finds out AGAIN how off she really is about Chuck and her feelings towards him.

As Lilly gets ready for the party, she talks shit to Rufus about what bad mom Carole is. Carole walks in and says, if you’ve got something to say, say it to my face, bitch.  Well she puts it much more eloquently than that. Sigh. Sometimes I wish this show was more ghetto. Anyways,  Carole and Lilly fight about how Carole supposedly made Charlie go by the name Ivy Dickens. Serena overhears this, and considering how Max told her that his ex was named Ivy Dickens, Serena starts doing some thinking and realizes that Charlie is lying about something.  Oh BTW,  Serena missed the studio 54 memo and decided to go as Christina Aguilera circa 2002.

Who wore it best?

Serena takes matters into her own hands, and calls Max. She leaves him a voicemail and tells him come over at 7  because the party has been cancelled.

Meanwhile, Alessandra is “ihatehumphrey”. She tells Dan she created the account to get publicity since Dan dropped out on his book tour.

Nate thinks the story is a set up by Maureen to help Tripp’s campaign.  If Tripp stays by Maureen, he will be viewed as the loyal husband who did anything to make his family work. That will buy more votes when election time comes around.  Nate wants to run that story, but his grandpa seems hesitant in tarnishing the family rep. Well maybe you should not have gotten into media then, bro.

While Blair is sampling wedding cake, Chuck comes to confront her.  He asks why she left in the middle of psych session. Blair says the psychiatrist has too many PhDs  that cancel each other out and make him a moron.  I think is an actual phenomenon! HAHA. Chuck tells Blair that he returned the ring cause she asked him to let her go. Blair realizes that she is too blame and says that she was responsible for bringing out Chuck’s dark side and the reason he is light now is because she is gone.  Meanwhile, she has brought out Louis’ dark side as well.  She walks off in frustration.  All this dark side talk is really throwing me off.  Is this an episode of Gossip Girl or Star Wars? This crap is getting a little too nerdy for me.

At the party Max appears, and Serena confronts Charlie, telling her she better explain herself.  The girls squabble, and Lilly tries to intervene to no avail.  As the BS brigade continues, CiCi faints amidst all the drama. Charlie covers for CiCi and says she has been dieting to fit in her jumpsuit.  The always fantastic combination of booze and and empty stomach made her pass out.  Rufus whips up something for her to eat and Serena says after CiCi gets a meal in her, Charlie can go back to telling them the “truth”.

On the NY Spectator, Nate posts an open letter saying he will not be biased by family connections or power. Instead of being mad, his grandfather is impressed and he earns his grandfather’s respect.

Back at Lilly’s apartment, Charlie comes clean…sort of.  She admits that she did go by Ivy Dickens and dated Max but sticks to the story that Carole made her go by that name.  She says Max is blackmailing her and threatening to expose her with a tape that they made. Not sure if you should deny that one, honey. Look at Kim Kardashian!

Max tries to prove that Ivy is a liar but can’t find the playbill from last week that shows that Ivy and Charlie are two different people.  Max says Ivy is from trailer parks, and her Dad was a heroin addict who died in front of her when she was 8. The family decides to take Charlie’s side and tells Max to leave before they call the police.  The funny thing about all of this is, why didn’t any of these people do a Google search? I mean, HELLO, it’s 2011. Why don’t they just ask Siri? (Oh speaking of which, if you have a iPhone 4S, ask Siri why she’s being such a b*tch.  It’s hilarious.)

Oh by the way, this studio 54 party is at Lilly’s house. Seriously, all this lead up and dress up, and the party consists of Lilly, Rufus, CiCi, Carole, Charlie, and Serena.  Dan didn’t even come. WOMP WOMP.

Meet the 5 people who still think Disco is alive.

Speaking of Ihatehumphrey, Alessandra and Dan are having a fake twitter war.  Its gets so intense, that Katy Perry retweeted them. HELLO fame and fortune!

Carole tells Charlie that she’s free to go now that Carole has access to the cash.  Charlie asks Carole if it’s alright that she stays.  The money is not important, the family is what she is missing in her life. Awe.  Carole agrees to let her keep playing her role. Meanwhile, Max calls and tries to threaten Charlie, nut Charlie says she’s untouchable because she’s “a Rhodes now”. Uh oh, guess I was wrong.  Looks like Charlie’s sticking around a lot longer.

This episode was super heavy on the Charlie drama.  I feel like the real Charlie has to make an appearance sooner or later. Here’s hoping! Until next time.

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