Gossip Girl Recap: Sad News Bears

HELLLLOOOO Gossip Girls! (and boys??).  It literally has been FOREVER since a new episode has aired, but let’s face it, we all needed a break from the Charlie/Ivy melodrama they have been forcing down our throats this season.  And I really needed 6 weeks off from Louis’ fake Monocan accent.

ANYWAY, last time the writers found a clever way to keep Blair from getting fat and having to care for a newborn: they put her in a car accident that killed the baby.  I always figured they would do something like that, but I was leaning more towards Louis or Chuck “accidentally” pushing Blair down a flight of stairs. I guess that’s a little too West Virginia for the Upper East Side. Oh yeah, Charlie fled, and everyone is freaking in love with Blair…well I guess that’s better than Serena.

So where are we now?  This episode opens with Chuck taking Monkey for a walk in the rain (aww he’s so domestical now!). It is pouring down, but Chuck runs into Louis walking around without an umbrella. Louis apparently hasn’t even noticed it’s raining. He’s supposed to be coming off all depressed and devastated but he really seems more dazed and confused. Anyway, Louis takes a break from his mind fuck to inform Chuck that he and Blair have been back from Europe for a couple weeks,  Why doesn’t Chuck know this? Because Gossip Girl has been down. Holy crap, no Gossip Girl?  They’re going to have to change the name of this show to Lifestyles of the Bitchy and Shameless.

Chuck offers to walk Louis home and share an umbrella. Once there, Chuck sees Blair and we’re treated to a series of flashbacks: Chuck and Blair confessing their undying love for each other…the car crash…C & B on his and hers stretchers while Chuck slips out of consciousness.  Back in the present, Blair is in queen bitch form, acting as if none of those events never transpired.  Louis confesses to Chuck that he is suspicious of B and wants to hire a private investigator to check up on her. Why doesn’t anyone investigate Louis?  Is he really even the prince of Monaco with that terrible accent? Chuck manages to talk Louis out of it, though.

Chuck goes to peep in on Dan to get some dirt on Blair, but Dan plays dumb.  (And yes, apparently I wrote that sentence in 1995.) Little does Chuck know, Blair is at Dan’s apartment! Once Chuck leaves, Blair tells Dan that Chuck can never know the truth.  The truth that Blair is posing as a Brooklyn hipster and consequently hasn’t washed her hair in four days?

Later on, all the boring characters (Serena, Nate, and Dan) meet up to have inconsequential conversations about New Year’s Resolutions, book deals, and which one of their characters is about to get written off the show.  My vote is with Nate. Sorry honey, you’re pretty, but you have gotten shit for storylines this season.

Lilly is bummed due to Charlie’s sudden departure, but gullible and accepting as ever Rufus believes that Charlie really couldn’t handle life in NY. Maybe that’s because she’s not rally part of your family! Get a grip!

At Vera Wang, B is trying on her custom made gown, and it’s really not doing it for me. For some reason the beaded design looks like it’s airbrushed on to me. It’s kind of reminding me a female version of an Affliction shirt.

Airbrush designs mean I’m a BADASS.

Blair decides that this dress is a little too sentimental or something, and wants a new dress.  Ms. Vera Wang herself drops by (Oh, heyyy) and says not to worry cause she’s already made some backups. You know what I love? That Vera Wang has a line with Kohl’s right now.  That store has freaking everything. I can’t wait until there is like a Chanel by Kohl’s line.

We learn that Chuck has been doing some recon on B when a Vera Wang employee calls and reports that Blair is at Vera Wang with an all too familiar curly headed frenemy.  Some stalking ensues and Chuck manages to catch Blair meeting up with Dan.  They certainly look lovey-dovey and they head into a secret building that B has a key too. Chuck is suspicious so he calls Dan and asks Dan if he’s hed anything from Blair, which Dan flat out lies about.

By the way, Blair has continued with her 2011/2012 Reign of Ugly Hat Terror:

I can’t even make jokes about this anymore.

Also, the Spectator is throwing a New Year’s Eve Party where they are announcing a bunch of boring superlatives.

For fun, I made my own list:

Even more annoying than Serena: Charlie/Ivy

The only character I would hang out with: Chuck Bass

Worst Personality: Louis

Most Pathetic: Dan

Biggest Slore: Serena Van Der Woodsen

Most in Need of an Eyebrow Wax: Blair Waldorf

Most in need of a better storyline: Nate

Anyway, we also find out that Serena is receiving all of Gossip Girl’s blasts but refuses to do anything because she doesn’t want to promote negativity on her blog.  Ugh, who reads this blog?  Also, Nate is getting some creepy texts from a blocked number alluding that the car accident wasn’t much of an accident after all.

At the party (because isn’t there always one?):

Chuck confronts Louis with the info he has gathered about Dan and Blair.  Louis decides to strike back by inserting a “Most Secret Affair” slide with a picture of Dan and Blair, but Nate intercepts before its too late.  Serena decides to get the truth out of Blair.  Blair reveals that while hospitalized, she bargained with God that she would leave Chuck in peace if He spared Chuck’s life. When Chuck came out of his coma a moment later, B decided to keep her vow to marry Louis.  Blair and Dan have been visiting the Catholic Church since then (that was the building they had a key to) to deal with her struggle between Louis and Chuck, but doesn’t see a way out. Serena covers for Blair and tells everyone that Blair has been helping her cover Serena and Dan’s secret relationship. This is both convenient for Serena and a retarded lie that even these dumb asses should see through. Chuck leaves in disgust.

Later, Blair stops by Chuck’s penthouse to formally say goodbye.  It is seriously so crushing that I can barely stand watching it.  She basically takes back everything she said to him before the crash andsays she is going to marry Louis.  Chuck is completely dumbstruck because he thought that she was coming up to choose HIM. This is definitely the most compelling scene I have seen on Gossip Girl all year.

Anyways after that heartbreak, Nate finds out the car that was in the accident was meant for him, AND gossip girl is who has been texting him from a locked number.  I wonder who wants to kill Nate.  I would guess it’s that slimy little weasel Tripp Vanderbilt.

Oh and the real Charlie Rhodes lives in NYC! So I’m sure fake Charlie will finally be exposed now.

That’s pretty much the gist of this episode. Wasn’t the Chuck Blair storyline sad? I can’t believe she’s really going to marry Louis. I’m sorry this recap was so limited, but my computer keeps crashing for NO REASON.  Happy New Year’s and catch you guys next week.  As always, feel free to hit me up in the comments. <33