Gossip Girl Recap

Hey guys! I feel like it’s been forever, since Gossip Girl wasn’t on last week.  I missed it! Okay, not really.  It kind of dragged a little bit last time. However, I think this week’s episode was better. Its also kind of interesting because the over-30 set had a lot of influence on the story lines this week.

As always, this episode starts off with a little montage of what’s going on with the main characters.  Blair is orchestrating a bridesmaid tryout with her former minions.  Nate and Diana are still hooking up at the office. Dan’s book is #9 on the best-seller list. (Hence the episode title “I am number 9”, even though it has very little to do with the episode.  Definitely some lazy writing.) Chuck is seeing the psychologist, Dr. Barnes, professionally.

Back at the NY Spectator office, Nate and Diana finish up and Nate asks Diana to be his date to the NY Spectator launch party tonight.  Ok this is weird.  I’m pretty sure they had a launch party one or two episodes ago, but I guess they can have multiple launches. I think the only reason any of these people have jobs is to have an excuse to create work-related parties. The work parties on Gossip Girl are much more fun than mine. Well, okay, I’ve never been to an office party, unless you count the time I took shots of Malibu behind the cash register when I was 19. (No judgment.  It was snowing and there were no customers. I never said I was a good person).

Chuck tells Dr. Barnes about his recurring dream.  It’s something involving a hard-on for skyscrapers.  Chuck regained his feelings…for inanimate objects.  Dr B suspects there’s something Chuck’s not telling her.

Serena meets up with Diana, who is apparently an old friend of Jane’s. Gross. Worst. Friendship. Ever. Diana butters up Serena a little. She tells Serena she wants her to write a blog, which Serena declines.  It’s hard to write a blog when you can’t spell your own name. Anyways, Diana wants Serena to come to the launch party.

Minion tryouts! Geez, I’ve missed these girls. Especially Penelope, mostly because she manages to suck up to Blair while pointing out that Blair didn’t get into Yale. LOL. Blair invites Charlie to join the crew to make it an even number, and Charlie readily agrees, thinking she can use this as a story for the NY Spectator.

PS: what the fuck is B wearing? It looks like the 1960s died on her head.

Jackie Oh-No.

Louis meets up with Dr. Barnes and bribes her into turning Chuck back into the monster he used to be, so Blair can see she made the right choice.  This seems a little redundant to me. I mean, hello? Blair is having your baby and marrying YOU.  Is this really necessary?

Dr. Barnes pays a house call to Chuck and tries to antagonize him by asking a bunch of questions about Blair.  She encourages Chuck to express his rage…and Chuck responds by throwing her off the balcony of his penthouse. How do you like them apples? Just kidding.  Chuck actually reveals that he has an engagement ring he bought for Blair, which he hands over to Dr. B. for safekeeping.

Dr B’s conscience…not to mention Hippocratic Oath…suddenly comes back and she texts Louis that she can’t  do this anymore.  There’s nothing like a Harry Winston to give some ethical perspective.

The first rule of medicine; do no harm. Second, Diamonds are forever.

The production meeting for Inside begins, and things are NOT going well.  Jane suggests making the novel into a musical movie and Dan throws a tantrum. He storms out before any work can be done.

Portraying my best friends as a bunch of egotistical jerkoffs for my financial gain? Sure.  Song and Dance? You’ve got to be shitting me.

Nate finds out Diana is attending the party with a guy named Keith, who she’s apparently been dating for two months. Nate is super blown to find out he was just a boy-toy all along. When he confronts Diana, she says Keith is mostly business but Nate is business AND pleasure…AND a human vibrator.

Serena convinces Dan to waive the rights to the script.  Jane gets so excited she contorts her face into an almost human emotion. Botox is one tricky little bitch.

If you keep making that face, it will get stuck that way.  …Oh, wait. Sorry to rub it in.

Jane admits she lined up Aaron Zorkin to write Inside weeks ago, and the production meeting with Dan was an elaborate rouse to get him off the script.  Furthermore, she has full plans to make Lonely Boy look like a real pompous asshole, a la Mark Zuckerberg in the Social Network.

The minions are completing the bridesmaid challenges without much effort, so B issues a final challenge.  The first person to kiss Nate at the party tonight will be her bridesmaid!

Charlie stops by Nate’s place and convinces him to take her as his date.  It will totally piss off whoever he’s trying to make jealous! BTW, how can Charlie not know Nate and Diana are hooking up? Do they have the quietest sex ever?

Meanwhile, Chuck happens to spy the meet-up between Dr. Barnes and Louis and figures the bribe out.  He calls Dr. B and leaves her a message to come to the party because he is in crisis.  Ooh, nothing like a little Chuck revenge.  Rule Number one: Don’t fuck with Chuck.

Serena brings Dan to the party to convince Jane that Dan is a nice guy and it would be fucked up to portray him as an assclown.  Hey Serena, not to encourage you or anything, but didn’t Dan portray you as a self-centered dimwitted party girl? Maybe you should think twice before supporting him. Anyways, Jane’s not falling for it, until Diana gets in on the action, and somehow mysteriously kills the whole deal.

As Diana toasts to her success, Charlie takes the opportune moment to stage a makeout sesh with Nate.  Aww.  I know this is a fake, but for some reason, I think they look really cute together.  I really just cannot stand Diana, and I do not understand why someone as hot as Nate is trolling for 40-somethings.  What are you, Finch from American Pie? Next thing you know, Nate won’t be able to take a shit at school.

You might have given me diarrhea, but I still fucked your mom!

Diana calls for the party attendants to reveal any gossip, and Chuck steps up.  He tells the crowd that his psychiatrist was exchanging confidential information for money from Louis. Dr Barnes is going down! I wonder how much stuff like this happens in real life.  My idealistic side hopes these incidents are slim to none, but they are probably more frequent in reality. People suck.

When Blair confronts Louis about bribing Chuck, he tells her he knows about the paternity test. He thinks she’s still hung up on Chuck, and Blair thinks Louis is turning into Chuck. Not sure if this is a negative. Louis could use a small (or XXL) dose of personality.

Do you think Blair would marry Louis if he looked like this?

The real Prince of Monaco

Diana breaks up Nate and Charlie’s happy couple time and tells Nate that Charlie’s kiss was a ploy to be a bridesmaid for Blair.  Oh, and Charlie, the girl you were trying to make jealous was Diana. Charlie vomits in her mouth a little and Nate whimpers that another girl has used and abused him. Damn.  Cougars always win.

It’s going to take a lot more than one skinny little raspy-voiced con artist to tear me down.

Dr. Barnes tells Chuck she’s giving up her practice. Wow, she was really committed to her patients! That decision took all of five minutes.  She also gives Chuck the Harry Winston back.

Meanwhile, Diana continues to try to persuade Serena to start blogging.  Serena goes all moral and says “I don’t believe in attacking people online and spreading rumors.”  Good for you Serena. I never thought you would take a higher road than me.

When Blair comes home, Chuck is waiting for her in the parlor.  He apologizes to Blair for mistreating her, not valuing her, not telling her he loved her, and a bunch of other stuff.  It’s kind of sweet.  They were cute together, am I right? Or am I just being nostalgic?

As the show ends, and Gossip Girl waxes poetic on the meaning of life…we find out that Dan’s book dropped off the best seller list, and just like that, he’s back to being another loser.  Diana tells Charlie that Nate is HERS and publishes a story about her and Nate as the hot new couple.  Serena begins her blogging careers, and Chuck returns to engagement ring to Harry Winston. Awww.

This week started to get past a lot of the silly stuff and got into the real drama more.  I hope Louis goes back to where he came from, and that Charlie can break up the Nate-Diana power(less) couple.  I also hope B starts showing soon because it’s getting a little ridiculous.  I feel like she’s going to have a miscarriage before they show her fat on TV.  Don’t quote me on that. Unless I’m right.  Anyways, that’s all for now. Thanks for reading!!