Gossip Girl: Scam and Cheese on Wry

Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. So, the fourth season drew to a close, and I feel a little conflicted about how it all went down.

The episode picks up right where all of last week’s brilliant cliffhangers ended: with Charlie off her crazy meeds, and Russell holding Blair hostage. Slutina and Manessa are forced to breathe the same air as they share a cab en route to the St. Jude alumni gala to warn Dan about what a nutbag Char Char is. Apparently, last time she went off her meds, she single white female’d her college roomy then ran barefoot through the snow. Hmm, sounds like a typical Tuesday night for me, but I guess some people find that behavior “crazy.”

Slutina should make Manessa pay for the cab, just to be a bitch.

Over at the St. Jude soiree, Dan is filling Nate in Char Char’s scandalous “Call me Serena” comment.

Whoa. This is the most his face has moved all season!

Nate thinks it’s weird, but thinks it’s even weirder that Dan let that stop him from having sex with her.

Upchuck can’t find Blair anywhere, and he turns to her mom for help, but Eleanor tells the Big Bad Wolf that he should back off and let her have her fairy tale. Amen, sistah!

For a sad, lonely outsider, Dan is suddenly the hub of ALL activity at the party. Slutina and Manessa need his help finding Char Char. Upchuck wants his help to find Blair. And Nate want to talk to Upchuck about Raina. Eric fetches two dumb bimbos who inform them that Blair left awhile ago, so Upchuck and Nate head to the Empire Hotel in search of her.

At the Empire, Upchuck is furious with Nate for telling Raina the truth about how her mom died. He assumes correctly that Russell will now do something crazy to get revenge. Raina pops out of the shadows with a quickie apology to Upchuck, and suddenly all is forgiven between them. Upchuck’s cell phone rings…

“Hello? Hi, this is your family dentist calling. Your chiclet teeth are about fourteen years overdue for braces.”

Cut to Blair trapped in a room with a psychotic Russell, boozing it up and playing with a lighter. Someone’s a lil arson-happy. It’s all just a little bit of history repeating! Blair not-so-subtly blurts out their location so that Upchuck (on her cell’s speakerphone) can hear and come to her rescue. Well, zzz! Obviously, she’s gonna be safe now. This storyline just lost all tension and sizzle.

Back at St. Jude’s, the cameos kick-off with everyone’s face villainess, Whoregina Sparks (Michelle Trachtenberg) showing off a giant, diamond ring and looking utterly bored. Despite her new hubby gushing over baby pics of Milo, she confesses to some inane couple that Phil merely wanted a hot trophy wife and she wanted a downtown loft and legacy at Yale for Milo. “And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go get drunk enough to make you all seem interesting.” LMAO. Best line of the ep! However, I must ask, what the eff is she doing at the St. Jude’s gala?! She never even went to Constance!!

The writers are like, “Meh! Details! Who cares? Let’s bring back a major character for some season finale stunt casting to spark audiences’ curiosity and drum up publicity.”

Whoregina spots Dan and can somehow smell a scheme on him from across the room. She begs to be let in on “the fun” and that if it’s at all twisted and nasty, that her services could prove invaluable. Dan’s got his hands full with Charlie being twisted and nasty, (“Call me Serena!”) and simply walks away.

How anyone can’t find Charlie is a mystery to me – she’s in the middle of the dance floor getting freaky with some old geezer and drinking straight out of a bottle of vodka!!! Dan pulls her aside and tries to talk some sense into her, but she pushes a waiter into him and makes a lame getaway.

How could Headmistress Queller allow such flagrant underage drinking at a school event??

Speaking of Queller, she finds Slutina looking wistfully at old school photos, and introduces her to a “distinguished alum” who just happens to be Cecily von Ziegesar, the author of the Gossip Girl novels. Slutina literally comes face to face with her creator. “We haven’t met, but I’ve read A LOT about you,” Cecily says in a very staged but cute scene.

“Are you there, Cecily? It’s me, Slutina.”

Queller is then dismayed to hear that Slutina traded Brown for Columbia. She had high hopes that one day Slutina would escape from New York and truly find herself. But, oh well. And she walks off. Wow. Thanks a lot, bitch! Like Columbia is anything to scoff at. And don’t piss off the Van der Woodsens. Your school relies on their alumni contributions every year!

Adding insult to injury, Slutina is then accosted by two frosh bitches who rip her a new one because she didn’t end up with Dan OR Nate OR the billionaire OR even the guy who tried to kill her. LOL. They are so disappointed in her that they’d rather emulate Blair now, cuz atleast she’s gonna be a princess. LOL.

Could they find two more hideous preteen actresses?

Slutina turns around to find Whoregina, and it’s like the nail in her coffin. Someone should have told her she’d be visited by three cunty spirits of her high school past. Whoregina begs Slutina to let her partake in their scheme, but she gets shut out AGAIN. Zzz. What a waste of Trachtenberg’s mediocre talents.

Russell keeps flicking his lighter, which only annoys Blair further. He tells her that he turned the gas on before she got there, and any second now he’s going to blow them both to kingdom come.

Michael Boatman: “I used to be on Spin City. And now I’m reduced to THIS.”

Upchuck, Raina, and Nate burst in just in time, and Raina talks Russell down off the ledge of insanity. She says she forgives him for killing her mother, but the second he hands over the lighter, she’s all, “Haha, sucker! Just kidding! I hate your guts and you’re going to jail. Peace!” Cue the wail of sirens.

Overacting at its finest.

While Nate and Raina give their statements to the police, Upchuck kindly offers Blair a ride back to the party to see Louis. She says yes, and then he suggests they have ONE drink on the way. Ya know, to “calm her nerves.” WTF?! Her engagement to the prince is on the line here! And she wants to go have a drink with her ex?? And since when does anyone ever have just ONE?! This is SO stupid.

Raina tells Nate she wants to go home, and he’s smart enough to know she means Chicago, not her hotel. They hug and it’s the LAMEST breakup scene I’ve ever watched on this show.

For their ONE drink, Upchuck decides to crash a bar mitzvah party at the Empire. Random. Posing as Helen and Murray Irving, they dance HORRIBLY to Hava Nagila and get hoisted up onto chairs, while sad sack Louis is kept waiting. It’s all so much fun that Upchuck and Blair end up in a coat room together and have some hot, naked sexy time.

O.

M.

G.

I guess this makes up for that grotesque, Silk Stalkings, piggy sex they had on her piano at the beginning of the season. Yuck!

Meanwhile, Manessa is at the Brooklyn loft looking for Char Char, when her nosy ass stumbles across Dan’s manuscript, “Inside” which is a searing satire of life on the Upper East Side.

Inside WHO?

Slutina finds Char Char in an empty classroom, about to jump out a fourth story window. Blah blah blah, she talks her down off the ledge. Zzz.

Does the Ostroff Center offer family discount rates?

Dan is outraged when he calls Manessa and learns that she snooped through his stuff. Manessa doesn’t care – she thinks his novel is brilliant and worthy of publishing, even if it does reveal the sad fact that Dan’s been more of a social climbing whore than Little J. They get into a nasty little cell spat, with Manessa saying that he had a better life before Slutina, and him saying he had a better life before he met HER. Ouch! They both hang up, and Manessa scurries off with the manuscript tucked under her arm!

Upchuck finds Louis at the gala, as all the guests are leaving. Louis says he is waiting patiently for Blair because he truly loves her. Blair rushes in, ready to tell Louis the truth and give him the old heave ho, but at the last minute, Upchuck steps in and congratulates the happy couple on their engagement, thus relinquishing his claim on Blair!!

Slutina summons both Nate and Dan by text, and they’re like, “Why do we feel like we’ve been here before?” Um, maybe because she does this to you guys EVERY chance she gets?? Slutina (shockingly) apologizes to them both for always asking them to wait around on her while she “figures things out.” Her apology only took an entire season, but better late than never, I suppose!

Char Char apologizes too – for being a crazy bitch, and then calls her mom to let her know she’s okay. Whoregina pops out and catches Char Char saying, “Everything went perfectly.” Huh?! What did she mean by THAT?! Whoregina then calls Charlie out, and calls her bluff that she was never even crazy in the first place. Whoregina then offers up a cocktail napkin with her digits on it, for the next time Char Char’s in town. Is she doing it to be friendly… or is it more of a blackmailing threat?

What’s all this about…?

Blair demands answers for why Upchuck just did that. Upchuck concedes that they may have a great love, but it’s not the right love. He wants Blair to have her fairy tale, especially since they feel guilty about their little bar mitzvah romp, and he lets her go. Aww, sadness. Louis watches from above, and he’s such a douchey pansy.

THREE WEEKS LATER…Lily, Doofus, Nate, and Upchuck are gabbing about Eric going off to college soon at Sarah Lawrence. (snicker) More frothy banter about how Lily and Doofus plan to spend their summer on a yacht in Monaco with Eleanor and Cyrus. Dan and Blair walk in, and Upchuck has to excuse himself. Blair playfully jabs Dan about how lucky he is that he will get to attend her royal wedding, and Eric, ever the sly ‘mo, detects a lil sadness in Lonely Boy’s eyes. Does Dan still have feelings for her?! OMG. She should ditch Louis AND Upchuck for Dan!! Hahaha.

Slutina walks in with Char Char, (not offering to carry a single one of her bags, natch) who is getting out of Dodge and taking the bus back to her mom in Miami. Everyone hugs her goodbye, even Dan, who almost got his ween snapped off by her crazy vagenicals.

Nate suggests that he and Upchuck graduate from their lost weekends to a lost summer, by hopping around random European countries. But where to start?! Oh, white people problems!

My, what big balls you have!

Blair and Slutina pack for their respective summers apart – Blair in Monaco, and Slutina in Montecito, California just chillin’ with her grandma Cici while she sunbathes and pretends to read actual books.

With everyone long gone, Dan offers to let Eric tag along with him to the Hamptons for their own little boysss vacay. Eric still senses that the heartbreak is strong with this one. Doofus suggests that Dan use the time to his advantage and do some writing, and Dan (shockingly) announces that he may be done with that dream…!

Speaking of which, Manessa meets with famed publisher Jonathan Karp, who simply loves the “Anonymous” manuscript “Inside” that she had him read. In fact, he’d love to sign her anonymous client ASAP! Manessa tells him to forward the checks to her new residence – in SPAIN!! YES!! I’m so glad that Jessica Szhor and Taylor Momsen are both being dropped as series regulars next season! It’s about friggin’ time! What’s Spanish for good riddance?

Adios, puta!

Slutina’s strolling through Santa Monica, CA … (SO NOT CLOSE TO MONTECITO AT ALL!) when she bumps into a “cute nerd” reading F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Beautiful and The Damned which I suppose was The Gossip Girl of The Jazz Age. She can’t believe anyone in LA reads real books! No, sweetie, you have much more in common with him than you think – he’s a script reader / lackey who’s behind on his work for boss David O. Russell, who suddenly pops up in a horribly acted and shameless cameo, looking like Adam Sandler doing an impression of Colonel Sanders. Slutina gushes over the famed director, and one Fitzgerald quote later and he’s suddenly hiring her to help write a film treatment!!! WTF?! Only Slutina! And only in LA!!

Oh, how the mighty have fallen!

Porcelain-skinned gay face is super pissed that she stole his job.

Char Char gets off the bus in Miami (or Ocean Avenue in Santa Monica, to the trained eye!!) where her mom Carol is waiting for her. And in the season’s best twist BY FAR, it turns out that Carol IS NOT her mom! In fact, she’s not even Charlie! She’s some imposter named Ivy who Carol hired to play her daughter so they could scam the family out of Charlie’s Rhodes trust money!!! Diabolically delicious! Carol pays Ivy for her trouble, and sashays off, leaving “Ivy” staring at a few blank checks she swiped…and Whoregina’s digits on that cocktail napkin…!

Scam-dalous!

And in the final shot, the camera zooms in on Blair’s trash can…to reveal a positive pregnancy test! OMFG!! Is Blair carrying Upchuck or Louis’ baby?! Or worse still…is Slutina about to procreate?!

Boy, oh boy!  Or girl!

Speaking of mysteries, if Ivy was posing as Charlie, then will the Real Slim Charlie please stand up? I think Whoregina was a complete waste of time and talent, but I do like that they are setting her up for a major storyline next season. And it’s official: Kaylee DeFer will be joining the cast as a series regular! What did you all think of the season finale? What did you think of the season as a whole? Which half of the season was better: Juliet and Ben or Russell and Raina? What’s going to happen when Dan’s book hits the shelf? Will the Upper East Side celebrate him or destroy him? Will Slutina be tasked with adapting his novel into a movie? Will Blair make it to the altar? Or will everyone be gunned down Moldavian wedding style? Only time will tell! Please leave your comments and questions as always! And enjoy your summer, my gasmii! You know you love me. Xoxo, Gossip Slife