Gossip Girl: Shoe The Hell Are You?!

Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. So, this week’s episode was as fun and frilly a romp as the pink-themed Breast Cancer party being thrown at Lily van der Woodsen’s fab manse. Blair’s Euro-trash prince Louis was in town, Cinderella slipper in tow, trying to covertly woo the panties off of Blair – and succeeding! Unfortunately, everyone seemed to be conspiring against them…

Shoe-la-la! It’s quite the Cinderfella story!

As Blair gets ready for a sneaky, little date with Louis, we learn from Dorota that “Miss Lily” has been sentenced to house arrest rather than prison. Thank gawd! Orange is SO not her color! Cut to Lily trying desperately to find shoes and dresses that hide (or atleast flatter) her latest accessory: a SCRAM bracelet. Take it from Lindsay Lohan, sweetie: nothing’s gonna help!

What? She couldn’t get a Judith Lieber diamond-encrusted SCRAM bracelet?

PS, don’t think us viewers didn’t notice the sea of GILT.com bag, boxes, logos surrounding Lily. Or the fact that she was casually perusing their website! LAME product placement! Lily would NEVER do online shopping, even if she WAS under arrest. She’d have personal shoppers bring the goods to her! And she’d ALWAYS pay full price. GILT is more of a Manessa thing.

Shoe the hell shops on GILT?! Ok, I do! Guilty!!

Over in Brooklyn, Dan tells Roofus that he was hired by some Paris mag (random!) to write some stalker puff piece on Prince Louis’ visit to NYC (convenient!). Dan feels weird about it, but Roofus thinks it’s a great opportunity.

Blair is excited for her date with Louis, but he tells her that he’d rather keep a low profile while in town, so she’s forced to change her itinerary to a few more discreet locations. (Read: trendy, hipster dive spots that she would normally never be caught dead in.) Minion 1 and Minion 2 want all the deets on her mysterious new lover, and when Blair decides to keep mum, they channel their frustration by using Gossip Girl to dig up the dirt!

Unpretty in Pink.

Slutina enlists Charlie’s help to troll through Gossip Girl’s archives to see if there’s any credence to Manessa’s voicemail claiming that Dan and Blair kissed and might be having a secret affair. Charlie’s suspicions are aroused by a roadtrip to Cornwall (that was a great ep!) and a trip to the French cinema (adores!) but Slutina makes excuses for that. Unfortch, they stumble upon Penelope’s “anonymous” GG blast that Blair is headed for a secret rendezvous, and suddenly, her nostrils are flaring! Yet another “hilarious” case of mistaken identity!

Dan spots Louis heading into some local shop named Veselka, so he strolls in after him. Unfortch, Charlie is stalking DAN, and reporting back to Slutina via phone. And natch, when Blair pulls up in her towncar and slinks into Veselka as well, Charlie reports back to Slutina that she MUST in fact be hooking up with Dan! UGHHHH!!

Annoying brat!

Blair is super annoyed to spot Dan inside Velseka, and tells him to leave asap! Dan agrees, but not before he spots Blair with Louis, and feels some very obvious pangs of jealousy. Dan slinks out, and Charlie’s too busy spreading the wrong goss to Slutina to notice!

Slutina struts her ass all the way to Veselka, ready to throw down and rumble, and then is shocked / relieved to find Blair and Louis sharing coffee and tiramisu. “Believe me, I’d rather bring him to Petrossian! But he has to keep a low profile, and what’s lower than this?!” Blair tells her in confidence. Ha! I bet Veselka really appreciate that “plug!” Back outside, Slutina tells Charlie that the case is closed, and Manessa is a filthy, hippy liar. Charlie isn’t so sure, and heads off on her own little solo mission.

Fooled you!!

Raina is still determined to track down her birth mom, Avery Thorpe, and she shows Nate her birth certificate. She doesn’t want anyone else to know though, least of all Chuck, who stumbles in all drunk. “Single malt for breakfast?” Nate asks. “It takes the edge off the coke,” Upchuck sneers. Whoa!! We got kiddies in the audience!! Tone it down, writers!! Nate chases after Raina, and Upchuck goes snooping through Raina’s stuff and discovers the birth certificate. Uh oh!

The booze brothers.

Dan decides to call Manessa and try to mend some burned bridges. Now that he’s apparently quit his current writing assignment, he’s got all the time in the world for his ex-bestie-girlfriend. Groan.

Nate’s mom, Ann Archibald, makes a surprising cameo at Lily’s place. Lily’s all excited to get to work on the gift bags for the Breast Cancer Pink Party, but Ann tells her that the party’s been moved to a more…socially acceptable venue. Ouch! Adding insult to injury, she asks Lily if she could messenger over all the hors d’ouvers though. “We wouldn’t want them to go to waste!” she smiles all fakely. Ewww!

What a snatch face!

Lily, of course, is hurt, and shuffles off, leaving Roofus and Eric to gab about the social hierarchies on the Upper East Side. “The only thing thicker than blood is the ink on Page Six,” quips Eric. Touche, gay boy!

Upchuck tells Nate that he’s on to Raina’s search for her missing mama, and tries to derail the search. When Nate refuses to upset his girlfriend, Upchuck whips out his cell and asks one of his gophers to do some further digging on the arson that supposedly claimed Avery Thorpe’s life.

Louis is all upset because his affair with Blair has supposedly been “exposed,” and his manservant Lucien is heading to NYC to escort him back to Paris. Even though he thinks Blair is anything but common, she is still a commoner, and he is not supposed to be having relations with her. Blair is furious that they were exposed, and she assumes that Dan was the one who ratted them out. Oh, no!

Charlie is still strutting around NYC in her thigh high prostitute heels, following Dan, who is now en route to Paul Smith to meet Blair for a little tongue lashing.

Blair tells Dan that he was being played a fool by Lucien, and he should have been suspicious from the second anyone offered to pay him for his writing. HAHAHA! Classic. Dan is very apologetic, and after much cajoling, agrees to go along with Blair’s latest RIDICKS plot: she wants Dan to pretend to be her boyfriend and kiss her in front of Lucien at the Pink Party tonight so that Lucien won’t suspect that she is really seeing Louis. Dan thinks that they should tell Slutina about the plan, but Blair argues that NO ONE can know. (Why? I will never know!) Meanwhile, nosy little Charlie is outside the store snapping pics of Blair buying a pink tie for Dan, which only adds to the mass confusion and insanity of this episode.

Stalkerazzi much?

Roofus, Eric, and Slutina bemoan the fact that Lily can no longer attend the Pink Party because she is under house arrest. If only there were some way to move the party…? Catty Eric suggests that they blackmail Bubbles Macintosh (who?!) because she tried to drunkenly kiss Slutina in the women’s restroom at last year’s event. HAHAHA! Roofus wants to be holier than thou, but since he has no pull on the UES, he checks his moral conscience at the door and hands Slutina the phone!

When Slutina sees Charlie’s pic of Blair and Dan getting cozy over ties at Paul Smith, she decides to kill two birds with one stone, and agrees to the blackmail scheme in order to get the party set back on her home turf!

This can’t be good!

Raina tells Upchuck that her PI found a woman in Jersey who could very well be her mother! Upchuck asks if he can tag along for the meet and greet, and Raina reluctantly agrees. Both of them are sweating bullets, praying to god that this IS her mom.

Blair has a mini OMG moment when she learns that the party has officially been moved to Lily’s. Dan isn’t sure they should go through with it, but Blair tells him they simply have to be more cautious. OY VEY TO THE MAX!! This is so silly.

I love how every week the writers manage to come up with some new party or event for the gang to end up at. And this Pink Party is NO exception. Great attention to detail, BTW!

The party is in full swing. Lily is floating through the party on a pink cloud. Slutina tells Charlie to keep an eye out for Dan and Blair sneaking off together. If they do – catch them in the act and send the video to Gossip Girl! Downstairs, Blair covertly tells Louis that she is going to great lengths by kissing Dan just to protect him. Ha! Meanwhile, Roofus and Eric are pretty pleased with themselves, until they hear two, bitchy socialite women gossiping about what an embarrassment Lily has become.

Blair’s minions are all aflutter trying to figure out still who Blair’s mystery suitor is.

Could these two BE more hideous?!

Meanwhile, Slutina thinks that Blair is going to great lengths using Louis as a cover for her affair with Dan, and that she is a total, lying bitch! Hehehe. Slutina’s new plan: make Blair jealous by having Charlie flirt with Dan! HA! This just gets more and more crazeballs!

Slutina looks good for once. Not so slutty.

Upchuck, Raina, and Nate track down some moderately cute, middle-aged black waitress at a coffee shop whose name is Avery Thorpe. Unfortch, the woman swears up and down that she has NEVER had any children. I don’t know who’s more upset by the news: Raina or Chuck.

Sorry! Not yo mama, baby!

Blair spots Lucien with Louis, and then spots Charlie flirting with Dan. Blair acts all bitchy towards Charlie as she snatches Dan away from her, and practically drags him off past Lucien for their rehearsed kiss. Lucien follows Dan and Blair upstairs, and the plan seems to be going perfectly! That is, until Charlie slinks up the stairs, as well!

Lily thanks Ann for having the party moved, and Ann opens up her mouth and turns into an evil succubus bitch monster from HELL! She basically tells Lily that she is disgusted by Lily, and that they haven’t been friends since Lily supposedly turned her back on Ann after Captain ArchiBALD’s very public incarceration and fall from grace. Now it’s Ann’s turn to gloat while Lily suffers. Her kiss off line: “And you might want to adjust your dress. Your ankle monitor’s showing.”

WHORE!! Please kill her off!

Blair and Dan come back downstairs, pleased with themselves after Lucien apparently walked in on them smooching. But just then, everyone’s cell phones start going off, and you know it can’t be good! It’s a Gossip Girl video exclusive of Dan and Blair kissing!!

Uh oh!

Busted!

The whole party practically gasps in unison. Dan sees Charlie come downstairs, and the word GUILT is written all over her face.  (Too bad they didn’t write GILT.com on her face!)  Blair wishes she could set the record straight with her minions, but Lucien is eavesdropping, so she has to keep up the charade, and grabs Dan’s hand.

LOL.

Slutina tells Louis that the truth is finally out; now everyone knows that Dan and Blair are together. In fact, they have been “sneaking around” for months. Slutina storms off before Blair can explain, and Louis is such a dolt, he actually believes Slutina over Blair and acts all wounded.

Even though Lily is under house arrest, she hops in the elevator and supposedly makes a run for it. Huh? WTF is she doing?

Upchuck comes clean to Nate about what Russell told him about his father, the fire, and Avery Thorpe. Nate argues that Russell could be lying, so Upchuck vows to find out the truth.

Dan and Blair try to explain their way out of this GIANT mess to Slutina. And although it all finally makes sense in a long-winded, horribly convoluted way, and they assure Slutina that they are JUST FRIENDS (yeah right, Dan!) Slutina feels angry that they went behind her back for so long and lied to her. Blair tries a solo apology, and admits that she was in denial that there was a “Humphrey appeal.” Slutina shoots back with: “The only appeal that Dan ever had to you was that he was mine.” WHOA! Mee-ouch! Here come the claws! S and B accuse each other of being vain, shallow, spotlight-hoggers, before Blair storms off.

Cue the huffy eye-rolling!

The cops find Lily in the lobby of her building, and tell her that she is violating the terms of her house arrest. She says there was some confusion over it being the perimeter of her house or her building. But since they are already there, would they mind helping her out with the noise problem coming from the Pink Party? She doesn’t want to have to face “another Botox bitch in a pink cocktail dress.” HA! Ann and the other ladies are mortified when Lily arrives with the cops in tow and the party is broken up.

Later that night, Lily tells Roofus that she enjoys the peace and quiet. It allows her to reflect on why she is under house arrest in the first place, and that she’d much rather spend any night of the week watching movies with Roofus, rather than hanging out with all those bitches. Aww!

Charlie comes to Dan’s Brooklyn loft to apologize, but also to point out that she’s no dummy. She can tell that he does have genuine feelings for Blair. She also knows from personal experience what it feels like to see someone with the one you love. OHH! This is a little clue in to her backstory!! Well played! I wonder if she went psycho on some bitch who stole her college boyfriend?? Anyhoo, Charlie tells Dan that Slutina only went crazy after Manessa left her the voicemail about the kiss. Charlie’s about to leave when Dan suddenly invites her to stay. WTF?! Girl, why would you get cozy with a guy who just admitted he was in love with Blair??

Blair tells Louis that she just committed social suicide for him by pretending to be dating Dan. And despite what Slutina told him, he believes Blair, but if they are going to go public, she has to be prepared to incur the wrath of his royal family!! Natch, Blair doesn’t give two shits, and they stage a huge public smooch for all the world to see!  Wait, so all the drama with Dan was for nothing??  Thanks a LOT!

Fairy tales DO come true!

For some bizarre reason, Slutina calls up Jean-Michele in Paris to “catch up” and flirt. Huh? Is she THAT desperate for attention? And just when I was starting to like her…

Dan and Charlie are sharing a beer when there’s a knock at the door. Charlie disappears, and there’s Manessa, looking to hang out. Dan tells her that he was actually going to stand her up on their dinner date (ouch!) because he knows she was the one who called Slutina about the kiss. Manessa was going to apologize, but Dan is tired of her lies and bullshiz, and he ends their friendship right there on the spot!! DAYUM!

What did Dan ever see in this fug-face?!

Manessa sulks off, and Charlie struts back in with her wobbly hooker walk, trying to be all sexy.

First time in heels, hon?

And finally, Upchuck’s investigator hands him a video surveillance tape of Bart and Avery having a heated argument, then Bart leaving moments before the fire, and Avery was never heard from again…!

Hmm. You know there’s more to the story!! Five bucks says that Russell is the one who really started the fire, and that he was trying to kill Bart and Avery together for having an affair. But anyways, ridiculous, fun romp of an episode, right? Even if it was perhaps the most ludicrous storylines of the season. Leave your comments and questions as always. You know you love me! Xoxo, Gossip Slife