Gossip Girl: Smotherly Love

Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. I have to admit that I didn’t have high hopes for this week’s episode after the mega suckfest that was last week’s ep. So, imagine my surprise when the show’s writers went from naughty to nice and made spirits bright by stuffing my stocking with this Christmas gem!

The episode kicks off with the genius pairing of fastidious frenemies, Dan and Blair, thrust together in their plan to track down Juliet and exact revenge / a confession from her for her plan to destroy Slutina. They stop by the Ostroff Center where Slutina has moronically checked herself in (after seeing forged photos of herself doing coke) to tell her that she isn’t crazy. But they are thwarted by prissy, little Eric who tells them that regardless of what got her in the door, Slutina really does need some help. LOL. Oh, and she’s not allowed visitors for 72 hours. Hmm. Convenient.

I’m already loving the witty repartee. And the outfits.

Meanwhile, Nate is bemoaning the fact that he has a broken family now (daddy’s still behind bars for embezzlement) and his evil rag of a mother is bemoaning the fact that her criminal hubby is making her a social outcast. All she cares about is attending lame, upper crust holiday parties? What a bitch!! She’s also in a huff when Nate tells her that his dad plans to use their address for his parole, but is buying his own house outside the city. Seriously, she needs to get mugged and /or stabbed.

You’re not Slutina! So quit raiding her sequined wardrobe!

Dan and Blair try to wrack their brains to figure out where to look for that back-stabbing Juliet. Colin? Nate? Minions? Dan suggests enlisting the help of Gossip Girl herself, who also wants revenge on Jules for that fake blast she sent in at Fashion’s Night Out. It’s kinda cheating to use the omniscient Gossip Girl in their quest, but I’ll let it slide. GG emails them back asap with an address and a mission statement: FIND THE BITCH. LOL.

Oh, GG! How I love thee!

Natch, Dan uses uber-ubiquitous sponsor “bing.com” to look up the address (groan) and the two hit the road.

Slutina’s mired in a horrid therapy sesh with a very judgmental therapist (whatdaya mean you would never try coke?!) and thus begins a series of enjoyable flashbacks as she recounts her sordid past.

Aww! Season one! Look how young Chace Crawford looks!!

Aww! Pete Fairman’s drug overdose!! That’s right; Slutina and Whoregina are murderers!

Slutina explains that’s when she ran away to boarding school up in Cornwall.

Cornwall?! WTF?! More like Cornhole!

At precisely that moment, Dan and Blair are driving down memory lane into Cornwall in some raggedy-ass jalopy looking like a post-modern Bonnie & Clyde. But instead of bullets and bank heists, they are bickering and hurling barbed insults at each other with rat-a-tat machine gun fire dialogue which had me rolling with laughter. Blair: “Let me consult the GPS. Oh, wait. That’s me.”  Oh, Bunny & Clod!!

Back in Manhattan, Lily and Upchuck escort out some token Asian reporter (who doesn’t even get a single line of dialogue) and treat themselves to a barely-noon o’clock cocktail. Um, Upchuck isn’t even 21! Nice parenting, Lily. She flinches when Uphuck reminds her that he will eventually want her to relinquish custody of Bass Industries back to him, and then when Upchuck leaves, she helps herself to another generous splash of scotch, which Roofus comments on with disdain. Glug glug, much?

Hmm. I smell a drinking-abuse storyline in the works!!

Dan and Blair wind up at a posh manse in the middle of some “crazy” teenage party, populated by all of the requisite parents’ worst nightmares: underage drinking, strip poker, cocaine, beer bongs, joints, kids writing on other kids who are passed out, and my personal fave, a sea of red, plastic cups. And there in the middle of it, cool as a cucumber (and maybe hung like one?) is last season’s devilishly delicious drug-dealer, Damien Dalgaard, played by Zac Efron look-alike, Kevin Zegers.

Dan: “Damien Dalgaard?!” Yes, Dan. And thanks for refreshing our memory.

Nate’s dad gets huffy with Nate for squealing to Ann about the Rhinebeck house, which was supposed to be a weekend getaway surprise for her. Nate is then horrified when his dad says he now plans to move to a halfway house when he gets out of the slammer. Eww! Even I’m embarrassed for Nate by that one.

Pleasantries about Little J aside, Dan and Blair start interrogating Damien, and the pieces of the puzzle start to fall into place. Damien went to Knightly, the boarding school, with Slutina up in Cornwall. That’s also where he knows Juliet from. She’s a friggin’ townie! Eww! Gross! JK. In fact, he met her in the city a week ago, and unknowingly sold her the drugs she used for Slutina’s “overdose.” Ahh! I wondered how she pulled that off! Clever girl! (Clever writers!)

Damien’s a bit short, but I can still make do.

Outside the manse, Juliet slams on her brakes to let some drunken teens amble by, and she spots Dan, Blair, and Damien driving off in their crusty, old jalopy. Seems their trip down memory lane led them right to her! But they were too stupid to look up and see her!

Slutina’s flashbacks continue to recount her wild days at Knightly: drinking absinthe, bumping and grinding to 2007′s hit “Soulja Boy,” and smooching her lovesick Spanish tutor Damien who’s helping her forge grades.

I’m the green fairy! Drink up, bitches!!

Nice boy band hair, Damien!

Damien leads Dan and Blair to Juliet’s house, where her conveniently chatty mom puts on the kettle and starts blabbing about Jules’ brother Ben. Damien figures out that he is her half brother, Ben Donovan, a disgraced professor from Knightly who was suspected of sleeping with Slutina.

Homo for the holidays?

OMG! Two cute for words!!

Slutina’s flashbacks reveal that she eventually tried to clean up her wanton ways, and heavily flirted with her English professor, Mr. Donovan, who she claimed was the only nice person who listened to her and took her seriously.

Note the 2007 banner in the background. Subtle.  LOL.

Also note Damien lurking down the street and spying with jealousy!

Peeping Dam tells Dan and Blair a slightly different tale, of when he was having dinner with his aunt at the Milbrook Inn in Poughkeepsie (unnecessary detail?) one dark and stormy night when he saw Slutina and Ben supposedly checking into a room for their illicit affair. But according to Slutina’s flashback, their car broke down on the way back from the Vassar library, and despite her attempts to bed her crush, Mr. Donovan kept things strictly professional.

Rain-soaked whore!

Slutina tells her therapist that he was the only guy who ever said no to her (LMAO) and that she was (maybe still is?) in love with him, but never spoke to him again after that.

Ok, so, hold up! The story’s all starting to make sense now. Damien CLEARLY ratted out Mr. Donovan to the school board because he was jealous and in love with Slutina. But how would Ben get locked away for a crime he didn’t commit? Or did he? Hmm. Blair certainly doesn’t have much faith in her bestie, and assumes Slutina DID have an affair, since there’s “nothing else to do in Connecticut.” LOL. So far, methinks Ben and Jules should be seeking revenge on Damien, not Slutina. I love that old Funbags McGee is ONCE AGAIN a victim of circumstance. LOL.

Juliet calls Ben in prison and tells him that Dan, Blair, and Damien are closing in on the truth, so she’s taking matters into her own tentacles, and she’s going to the Ostroff Center to do what she should have done in the first place! What? Kill Slutina?! Dun dun dun!!

I love Ben’s unlimited call plan in prison.

Worried for Slutina’s safety, Ben shouts out to Nate, who JUST HAPPENS to be there for his dad, to warn Slutina about Juliet’s wrath. It’s all very convenient, but I have to admit, I am LOVING every second of it as the mystery and drama unravels!!

Nate calls Dan and is happy to hear she is safe within the confines of the Ostroff Center, but Dan thinks they should all reconvene in the city to make sure Juliet doesn’t get her claws on Slutina.

Cut to Slutina walking into her room at Ostroff where Juliet is lying in wait in the dark. “Careful, S. You’re in for some shock therapy,” Gossip Girl narrates as it goes to commercial. Groan / heart. Slutina can’t figure out why Juliet has been out to destroy her. Nate? Colin? “No, you stupid bitch! Because you destroyed my brother’s life!” she screams. Best line of the episode. And of the season, thus far.

I’d be mad about that hairdo, too.

Now it’s Jules’ turn for a flashback, and we learn that Ben was fired from Knightly because of statutory rape and for transporting a minor across state lines. In addition to an eyewitness account (Damien!) they have an affidavit from Slutina herself! Ben is horrified that Slutina would do that to him, and wants to fight this in court, but his lawyer says the school has teamed up with Lily to quietly make this whole thing go away by forcing Ben to plea bargain and serve five years in jail for a crime he didn’t commit, and thus begins his 4-year quest for vengeance with Jules. WOW. That is some juicy shiz!!

But if Slutina didn’t sign the affidavit, then who did?!

Cut to Lily floating through her snooty holiday party for Bass Industries. She’s obvi the villain behind this whole mess, and I love what the writers are doing with her character. Where the original 90210 failed by cutting the parents out of the stories when the kids went to college, Gossip Girl is keeping them very much front and center – where they belong!

Who, ME?!

Lily is still trying to cover up Slutina’s drug overdose, and when Eric blurts out the truth to guests, she lectures him on civility and decorum. LOL. Something tells me that the decorum is about to hit the fan!

Sure as sugar, Slutina, Juliet, Nate, Dan, Blair, and Damien all descend on the holiday party just as Upchuck and Lily are giving a toast about the importance of family. LOL. Damien and Eric get in a few bitchy barbs before Damien slithers out and Slutina hogs the spotlight and throws Lily under the bus for being a selfish, vapid bitch, and a horrible mother and wife. LMAO.

I count three ho’s in this picture. Ho-ho-ho.

Lily goes into mayjah damage control mode. Across the room, Roofus is shocked to learn from the family lawyer that Lily is planning to sell Bass Industries. What?! How dare she!!

The kids all meet up in Slutina’s room, where Blair goes ballistic on Juliet’s ass, but Slutina tells her that the real villain behind everything is her mother. Slutina promises to get Ben out of jail, and dismisses Juliet.

Blair: “What?! No!! I demand blood!”

The party clears out, and we finally get what I’ve been waiting for – an epic mother-daughter throw-down between Lily and Slutina where the truth and nothing but the truth gurgles to the surface in front of everyone. Lily admits that no school in NYC would take Slutina back with her track record, so Lily used some idle gossip she heard about Mr. Donovan to concoct the perfect sob-story cover to bring her daughter back to Manhattan. Lily didn’t realize what she had set in motion until it was too late, and she perpetuated the lie by forging her daughter’s signature on the affidavit, thereby sending Ben to jail for a crime he didn’t commit.

Too little, too late!

Lily always assumed that her skank daughter DID have an affair, and is downright shocked when Slutina sets the record straight. Upchuck butts in to say that everyone in the room has done some shady, under-handed things before (that’s an understatement!) but it’s all in the past. That’s when Roofus adds insult to injury, and forces Lily to fess up to Chuck that she plans on selling his company out from under him! When Upchuck gets indignant, Lily gets snatchy, and everyone turns their back on her and storms out, including Roofus! Classic!

One week later, the gang has some weak sauce Christmas dinner together before Chuck departs for some much-needed debauchery in New Zealand. Blair worries that Upchuck may stop by Australia to enlist Uncle Jack’s help to take down mutual enemy Lily. (The return of Uncle Jack?! Hmm. Something to look forward to in the new year!)

Slutina ignores a call from her mother, who’s hiding out at Grandma Cici’s home in Montecito. Prolly getting wasted on wine!! Slutina is happy to report to everyone that Dean Reuther begrudgingly let her back in to Columbia. Slutina then invites Dan on another road trip to find the judge from the affidavit so she can clear Ben’s name, but dummy Dan tells her she needs to embark on this journey alone.

Nate’s feeling charitable towards his pops, and offers to let him move in with him at The Empire once he’s paroled come January. Ugh. Big mistake, Nate!! Blair deigns to help Dan with the dishes, and although they keep sparring, there’s a bizarre spark between them. Huh?! New odd couple alert?!

Strange bedfellows!

And finally, Ben is surprised by his latest visitor – Slutina – who’s there to rescue him – and possibly have a conjugal visit?!

Slammin’ in the slammer? HOT.

Well, well, well. That episode was so friggin’ good, I think I need a cigarette! The writers finally outdid themselves (and atoned for last week’s shit-tastic installment) with a faboosh Winter Finale. That’s right, folks.  New eps won’t start up again on The CW until Jan. 24. What do you think the new year will hold in store for our fave Upper East Siders? The return of Uncle Jack? A Jack-Blair-Dan love triangle? A dangerous liason between Eric and Damien? Will Lily fall off the wagon and have to check into Ostroff herself? LOL. One can only hope! Leave your comments and questions. You know you love me! -Gossip Slife.