Gossip Girl: STD… Easy As 1,2,3

Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. I know it’s been kinda slim pickin’s lately, but last night’s episode was BY FAR the best of the season! First of all, I felt like the writers read my recap last week complaining that the kids are NEVER in school – and then set the entire episode at Columbia. Second, Juliet’s silly scheming finally led to some destruction AND tears. Third, Upchuck made good on his promise to wage war against Blair – with hilarious results. And finally, Slutina’s whoretastic shenanigans FINALLY came back to bite her in her (well-dressed for a change) ass! Hehehe

So, Slutina hurries out of her Upper Eastside building for the first time before noon, and tries to catch a cab to school, but it gets swiped by the show’s new resident douche (Sam Page, fresh off his stint on Desperate Housewives) who pours his last night’s conquest inside and sends her on her way, sans heels. Slutina is furious by his charming arrogance. Meanwhile, my sister Jackie is furious that the show cast a guy with such a distractingly arrogant underbite.

“Nice tits.”

“Seriously, douche?”

Slutina finally makes it to Columbia, where she catches up with Blair, who’s being particularly raggy with her minions. Blair suggests that Slutina apologize to her Lit professor for constantly being late, then suggests Slutina join her in enrolling for Professor Chamberlain’s Psychology of Business lecture. Slutina smiles and pretends to know what all those big words actually mean.

What’s with all the pastel? Easter’s not ’til Spring…

Roofus and Manessa kvetch about how annoying Dan can be sometimes. And about what horrible actors they are. Zzz…

Nate invites Danessa to join him and Juliet at a Hamilton House cocktail party. Dan is reluctant, until he hears there’s free appetizers. LOL. Nate then brags he has a “special” night planned for Juliet afterwards; aka MAYJAH sex in the champagne room.

Dan’s a little jealous the Matteo sheets and lingerie aren’t for him.

Juliet (Katie Cassidy) meets with her “brother” Ben. I’m still not convinced that they are sibs yet. Anyways, they continue to plot against Slutina. Ben has some new scheme and he wants Nate to be the fall guy. Juliet’s microscopic heart skips a beat.

I love Blair. She casually bypasses the long line at the registrar’s office and bangs on the bell until a woman appears with daggers for eyes. Just then, Upchuck appears, toting a Fall 2010 course catalog. Blair nearly shits her pants. She is horrified that Upchuck would have any interest in higher education. Of course, his only interest in being on campus is to upset Blair’s perfect world, since he DID wage war on her ass. He explains that the dean allowed him to take classes in exchange for the new Bart Bass Memorial Rotunda. LOL. I love how money really can buy happiness!

“Well, well, well. Ms. Waldorf, we meet again.” All he’s missing now is a cat in the lap to stroke.

Just as Slutina is skipping across campus, Gossip Girl sends out a nasty blast, accusing Slutina of having a nasty little STD. Not only is everyone shocked, but they believe it! LOL. Natch, Juliet pops out behind a tree like Freddy Kreuger and smiles maliciously. LMAO. Slutina can’t believe someone would make up lies about her. Blair’s like, “I sure as hell can!” Slutina also can’t believe GG would stoop so low. Why? Cuz she’s normally so classy? HA!

She really puts the S in STD.

Juliet reports to Dan and Nate that GG has a sex chart of who’s slept with who, which is genius (but also kind of a rip-off of Alice’s chart on The L Word.) Anyways, Slutina boned Nate and Dan, who both slept with Manessa, who slept with Upchuck, who also plowed Blair. Basically, if S is the diseased whore she’s rumored to be, then they are all screwed. Literally.

Juliet pretends to be nervous about having sex with Nate now. “I haven’t slept with her since, like, last Spring!” he whines. LOL. That’s like FOREVER in boy world. Juliet then goes all after-school special on his ass about signs and symptoms lying dormant, etc. Yawn. Wasn’t I just lectured enough an hour ago on 90210? Nate agrees to get tested to quell her fears.

“Trust me, what happens in Slutina, doesn’t stay in Slutina. It spreads like wildfire. Or herpes.”

Manessa gets freaked by the GG blast, and goes ape shit on Dan. He reminds her that they’ve both been tested (of course she would mandate that!) and frankly, he’s (rightfully) annoyed that she STILL doesn’t trust him.

Juliet pretends to chum up to Slutina, and swears she didn’t start the rumor. Slutina doesn’t believe her for a second. Juliet then draws her attention to both Dan and Nate heading into the Student Health Center. Slutina freaks, and begs Nate not to play into the rumors cuz it’ll only make her look worse. Nate rudely informs her that she is no longer his priority, and he’s getting tested for someone else’s peace of mind. S is pissed. Hehehe

Manessa checks GG and spots Dan “checking in” at the Student Health Center, even though he’s merely there as Nate’s wingman. Natch, this does nothing to alleviate her suspicions about Dan’s “innocent cuddle” with Slutina last Spring.

Blair tries to kiss up to Professor Chamberlain and finagle a job as her teaching assistant by wooing her with a cherry pie. LAME. Prof. Chamberlain informs Blair that the assistant position has already been filled … by Upchuck! Bwahaha! He pops out to gloat in Blair’s face, tells her there’s no room in the class for her, and then reminisces about the days when he used to enjoy her “pie.” LOL. Best GG voiceover of the episode: “Better batten down the hatches, B. Looks like your island in the storm was just hit by a Bass 5 hurricane.” LOL. So bad it’s good.

Sorry, B, but it looks like no one is interested in your pie.

The next day, Blair uses pastries again (this time scones) to lure Professor Chamberlain into her clutches. She somehow promises to fix the newly divorced teacher up with a partner at her step-dad’s law firm … provided SHE gets the assistant position. Suddenly, the professor is all ears. Really?! Worst teacher ever!

Slutina is dressed nicely for a change, but once again misses her cab thanks to Sam Page saying au revoir to some slutty flight attendant. S tries to give him a piece of her mind, and he confesses that he purposely runs into her in hopes of getting a piece of her ass. Natch, Slutina falls for his oily charms.

Careful, son, you’re gonna poke someone’s eye out with that Jay Leno chin of yours!

So much for teaching an old dog new tricks! When will Slutina ever learn??

Manessa ambushes Slutina at school and demands to know the whole truth about her sleepover with Dan. Zzz. Slutina: “You always want to believe the worst in people. Why stop now?” Mee-ouch! I love that these two are fighting! Manessa storms off, and S gets a text from her Lit professor saying: “I waited 5 minutes. Office hours are over. Buy a watch.” LOL. I said, “What professor has office hours first thing in the morning?” To which my sister said, “What professor sends a text message?! This show is SO fake!” LOL.  Touche, Jackie!

Upchuck hands one of his “signature” martinis over to Blair’s scorned, brunette minion and thanks her for her intel.  Nice!

Uh oh! Looks like Sam Page’s underbite is contagious! It’s just claimed a minion!

Nate whines to Juliet that his test results will take a few days. She tries to con him into finding out the truth sooner, by swiping Slutina’s phone and checking it for an incriminating text. Right. Like Slutina would ever text Blair to say, “Yup. Turns out I’ve got the clap. Sucks, huh?” Ben calls and pressures Juliet to put the plan into motion. She spies a lovelorn Manessa … and hatches a new plan, with a new scapegoat …

Everyone shows up at the Hamilton House party. Manessa keeps her eye on Slutina’s purse.

Gossip Girl, I love you. But, you’re not Sex and the City. So stop stealing Carrie Bradshaw’s look and giving it to Slutina!

Manessa steals Slutina’s purse from the coat check room, and she and Juliet check S’s phone for any incriminating evidence. (This is beyond ridicks.) Manessa’s heart glows when she finds an email from Dan saying how much he loves Manessa. Zzz. Manessa wants to put the phone back, but Juliet isn’t satisfied yet. She has Manessa keep an eye out down the hall while she sneakily sends an email of her own from Slutina’s phone. Juliet then gives Manessa the purse back (sans phone) and tells her to take Dan home for a hot boink fest. Manessa thanks Juliet for being such a good friend. LOL. Sucka!

What are you smiling about, crocodile eyes? Have you ever looked in a mirror? Or heard of a comb?

Blair’s confidently introducing herself as Professor Chamberlain’s new assistant around the party.

Manessa returns Slutina’s purse to the coat check just as Dan sneaks up behind her. She silences his questions with kisses and tries to get him to go home with her.

Blair tries to introduce Professor Chamberlain to this hot date “Sam” … who turns out to be a woman in a red scarf! WTF?! Professor Chamberlain is annoyed that Blair assumed she was a lesbian and bans her from the class. Blair turns around to find Upchuck wearing the same red scarf and smirking. Somebody just got PLAYED!

From scarfy…

…to snarfy!

Slutina finds her Lit professor with Dean Withers, and she apologizes for her numerous tardies. Dean Withers cuts her off and says she is appalled by Slutina’s recent email to Professor Lawson, offering sex in exchange for grades! LMAO. Manessa walks up, just as Slutina denies sending it, and the Dean explains that the consequence for sending it – is expulsion!!!

Open wide, S!

Natch, Juliet denies sending the email when Manessa confronts her. Manessa feels like she still has to come forward and confess to Slutina about stealing her purse.

Blair rails on Upchuck for thwarting her matchmaking plan. Then they try to one-up each other with their evil schemes to get to Professor Chamberlain – including an illegal maid scandal, an IRS audit, a pre-nup loophole, and blackmail photos of a threesome with the nanny. Professor Chamberlain overhears them, declares them both to be insane, and quits her job at Columbia on the spot! LMFAO.

Um, those who live in glass houses, bitch!

Slutina tells the Dean that her phone is missing / stolen, but the Dean isn’t buying her sob story. Manessa charges through the crowd like a linebacker, and Juliet slips Slutina’s phone into HER purse! Juliet then tells Slutina to call her own phone. Whoever has it, must be the culprit. When Manessa’s bag starts to ring, she looks like the bad guy in front of Slutina, Dan, and Nate, who all turn against her in the blink of an eye. HA!

Ugliest crier EVER.

The Dean tells Slutina she’s free and clear, but gives her a stern lecture about conducting herself like more of a lady in the future. She then gives a similar, snarky comment to Blair and leaves. Blair doesn’t give two shits, and tells Slutina that GG has posted an official retraction for the STD blast. Slutina then thanks her new bestie Juliet for helping to clear her name, and Juliet apologizes for getting off on the wrong foot because of her jealousy. Slutina’s vanity eats it up with a spoon.

Blair thanks Upchuck for ruining everything for her at Columbia. Upchuck tells her that the score is far from even, and that whatever she wants, he will be there to take it away from her. And he won’t stop until she has nothing. MWAHAHAHAHA

Back at the Brooklyn loft, Manessa packs her bags, and Dan doesn’t try to stop her. She pleads her innocence one last time. Dan says he believes her – but that doesn’t change the fact that she didn’t believe him to begin with. TOUCHE. Manessa leaves, and Dan can’t even bring himself to look at her.

Adios, Man-face!

Wunderbite Sam Page finds Slutina at a bar drowning her sorrows and manages to charm a smile out of her.

Hello, new love interest!

Ben calls Juliet and blasts her for not sticking to the original plan of selling Nate down the river. Juliet thinks her new plan was even more ingenious, and Ben warns her not to fall for Nate. Unfortch, the Grinch’s ugly black heart has grown three sizes for Archibald, (much like her lingerie bra size) and she treats Nate to a very wild ride in the hay!

Save a horse; ride an Archibald!

And finally, Upchuck placed a call to Parsons School of Design, and secured a spot in Tim Gunn’s class for none other than … Little J! I’m sure most of you were groaning at the thought of that skanky, little bitch coming back, but I could not be happier! I can’t WAIT to see the fireworks between Upchuck and Blair when Jenny returns! Hehehe! What about you? Do you think the season is starting to improve? Leave your comments! You know you love me. Xoxo, Gossip Slife