Gossip Girl Recap: Tales from the Upper East Side

This week on Gossip Girl…Dan’s book is published and the drama ensues.  But first, last week: Blair took a paternity test and revealed the real father of her baby is Louis.  Charlie/Ivy came to NY to stay.  Nate got chummier with Diana and stole some cell phones to spy on Manhattan’s elite.  Chuck continued on his painless journey but shed some tears and got a puppy named Monkey.  Dan decided to take credit for “Invisible”, and Serena continued to annoy everyone.

This episode opens up in Dan’s day dream. He’s at a celebration for his book launch and being toasted by a bunch of nameless faces.  Flash forward to reality and he’s meeting with his agent who his discussing tonight’s book party.  Dan is clearly nervous about the consequences of Invisible, so he requests six advance copies of the novel.

Guess what? Blair’s boobs are huge!  And she’s moody. (Is this a new development?) But don’t worry; she hasn’t gained any weight anywhere else. Too bad.  I’m looking forward to her sporting the hottest accessory of the season: stretch marks.

These will go great with my Marc Jacobs Crop Top.

Serena is at work and is sucking up to her boss.  She got her a special drink and even sent a blue rose and a note to Daniel Day Lewis, the notoriously reclusive Hollywood star. Um, who is Daniel Day Lewis, anyway?  I googled him.  He’s in a couple of those Oscar-winning movies I’ve never seen, like The Last of the Mohicans. Sorry, guys, my taste in movies is a little more low brow. You know what movie I am dying to see? What’s your number?, where Anna Farris tracks down the 20 guys she’s slept with in her life.

This looks way better than any Daniel Day Lewis movie.  Just Sayin’

BTW, Serena is rocking some super nasty hair today.  I guess since she’s a working woman now she doesn’t have time for upkeep.

I got this job because of my intellect, not my hair.  Please take me seriously.

Nate and Diana are looking through the mysterious Ivy’s phone. Who is this girl that doesn’t store any of the numbers in her phone?  Nate says he recognizes one of the numbers and vows to get to the bottom of it.

On the Upper East Side, Charlie/Ivy (Chivy?) tries to call her missing phone, but to no avail.  Chuck and Blair are meeting up to go to Rufus and Lilly’s place, as they have been summoned by Dan.  Blair stumbles and falls into Chuck and someone is conveniently there to snap a pic.  Gossip Girl is on the prowl.

Chuck, Blair, Serena, Nate, Rufus, and Lilly have gathered for the Gossip Girl Summit 2011, as ordered by Dan. Dan announces that the rumored book about the Upper East Side was written by him.  Blair’s all, so you’re that pathetic loser who doesn’t really know anything about us? Whatever, I’m not gonna read it and Serena and Nate don’t know how to read so you’re out of luck.

Nate asks the group if anyone knows an Ivy that was at the fashion show, because he has found her phone. Chivy whimpers in the corner.

We’re treated to a scene of Nate almost making out with a dude, and it turns out it’s from the book.  Dan made Nate’s character gay, and Chuck’s a little insulted because he clearly is the gay one of the group. Besides Dan.

I’m refined. I have good taste. I’m wearing  a pink tie, for Christ’s sake.  What isn’t adding up here?

Chivy says she thinks she may have met “Ivy” at the party and offers to go with Nate to his office and take a look at the phone.

Back at Serena’s office, she receives a call from Daniel Day Lewis’ agent, and DDL was flattered by Serena’s overture.  He is interested in the film project Serena’s boss has going on. Serena’s coworker, is immersed in Inside.  Serena drops that she dated the guy who wrote the book.  OMG, is she Sabrina?  Dylan (Dan) did write that everything came easy for you! DUH.

Blair comes home and Louis has found the GG post of her in Chuck’s arms from the aforementioned tripping incident.  Blair denies anything going on between her and Chuck and goes upstairs to take a nap, leaving Inside with Louis.

Nate and Chivy go to Diana’s office to try to match the cell phone with a person.  Diana picks up on the scent of young blood and is immediately turned on.  She’s quickly disappointed to find Chivy with Nate, and tells N to get her out of here. Chivy takes the opportunity to steal back her phone.

Dan meets up with Chuck at his apartment and whines about how everyone is going to hate them when they finish reading the book. Don’t worry Dan, these people have shorter attention spans than Adam Levine.  There’s no way they can read a whole book.

I didn’t realize the reason my songs suck is because I have Adult ADHD.  Thanks Adderal! Now I have the Moves Like Jagger! Oh wait…that song sucks too.

Chuck offers Dan a drink, which Dan lamely refuses, because its 2 PM (I’m sorry, do you have somewhere to be?).  So Chuck offers him Valium instead. HAHAHA I LOVE CHUCK.  Anyways, Chuck goes into philosopher mode and tells Dan about the meaning of life.  Charles-totle tells Dan that all success comes at a price.

Scotch, the inability to feel pain, and Blair’s widening ass have led me on the path to spiritual enlightenment.

When Blair awakens from her slumber, Louis is even more pissed.  He read Inside cover to cover, and B’s character sleeps with Dan’s in the book.  Blair is such a two-timer!  How DARE her fictional character get it on with another fictional character! Louis’ family has conveniently cancelled their flight (because of “rain”), so the announcement of the pregnancy they had planned for tonight is off.  Blair is seeing red, and Dan better watch out.

Serena gets a call from DDL’s office.  She excitedly puts it on speaker for her boss to hear, but DDL’s agent tells her he is going to have to postpone and puts her on hold.  Serena’s coworker wonders if its because of Serena’s less than flattering portrayal in Inside.  Her character is flighty, immature, and irresponsible.  DDL’s agent gets back on the phone, calls the whole project off, and manages to call Serena “Sabrina”, adding insult to injury.

Nate is pissed, meanwhile, because Chuck has alerted him to the fact that he is not really a character in the book.  His supposed alter ego, “Derek”, is gay, best friends with “Dyllan’s” little sister, and is the little brother of “Sabrina”.  The only thing he has in common with Nate is that he plays lacrosse.  Oops, sounds a lot like Eric rather than Nate.

We’re treated to scenes from the book where Dyllan/Dan hooks up with Blair’s character, and Sabrina/Serena puts on her slut charm and goes for a drink with her coworker.

Diana calls Chivy’s phone and figures out Charlie and Ivy are one and the same.

At the party, Dan is barraged by Nate, Blair, and Serena, for his inaccurate portrayals.  More like incredibly accurate.  Dan and Blair did have a thing, Serena is a flighty, irresponsible bimbo, and let’s face it, Nate is gorgeous but he’s pretty unimportant.

Louis shows up to jump on the hate bandwagon and yells some more at B about the supposed Blair/Dan hookup.  Dan tries to talk some sense into him and denies that he and Blair ever had sex, but Louis won’t calm down and storms out of the room.

Across town, Chivy comes to Diana’s office and confesses about her con artist scheme.  Diana says she will protect Chivy…at a price… I’m super sick of this Diana, and its only been a few episodes.  She definitely has some skeletons in her closet and I can’t wait to find out what they are. I actually hope Chivy exposes them. Something about Diana makes my skin crawl.

Chuck-rates follows Louis out of the party and gives him some advice.  He tells the prince that he’s making a big mistake and he shouldn’t let love go.  Louis isn’t having any of it, and leaves.

Serena is the last one left with Dan.  She is mad offended and says that she thought she became a better person when she dated Dan so she can’t believe he depicted her as such a floozy. Dan is like, yeah, yeah, I gotta go talk to B because I might have ruined her marriage.  Serena tries to say her issues are just as important, and Dan tells her maybe her portrayal is accurate after all. BURN!

Dan is revealed as the author…to a fairly underwhelmed audience full of strangers.  Lame.

Aren’t you, like, from Brooklyn? ….ew.

The next day, Blair tells Serena she’s pregnant. Serena is shocked.  Isn’t Blair too much of a cold frigid bitch to support human life growing inside of her? Louis comes by to apologize.  They kiss and make up, ugh.  This whole Blair-Price thing is about 3 episodes too old.

Chuck meets with Lilly and tells her that he doesn’t want to be alone anymore. Awwww. She consoles him about losing Blair.  Hey, at least he still has Monkey.

Chivy’s price for secrecy? She’s Diana’s new bitch at the fakery corporation.  Nate shows her the ropes, and I am anticipating a Nate + Chivy hookup very soon.  You better put a leash on him, Diana!

Dan is at home, and Rufus comes to talk to him more about the book.  Rufus’s character married for money, and it broke Rufus’s heart to know Dan thinks of him that way.  Don’t worry, Rufus, we all think of you that way.

Serena’s boss wants movie rights to the book, so Serena better get back on Dan’s good graces.

Meanwhile, Invisible is #4 on the Amazon Best Seller List, but Dan is all alone…

I thought if I wrote a book pointing out all my friend’s inadequacies, they’d love me for it! What gives?

Well, that’s it for this week! I thought this episode was a lot better than the last few. Although, it was kind of confusing to recap with all the alias names! What did you guys think? Did you enjoy seeing the Upper East Siders getting called out on their shit? Does Chuck have a future as a psychotherapist/philosopher? Will Blair and Louis ever break up? Until next time! xoxo