Gossip Girl: Thanks For Nothing

Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. I had much to be thankful for this year, but last night’s Thanksgiving episode of Gossip Girl did NOT make the list. I should have known that the good-episode-train couldn’t last forever, but it made an abrupt stop with last night’s turkey. In this hit-and-miss ep, (mostly miss) I found all of my senses offended: Blair’s wardrobe, (my eyes!) the over-wrought melodramatic scoring, (my ears!) and Dorota’s ugly, gurgling baby (my eyes AND ears!) This episode had all the makings of greatness, and should have been a cake walk for the writers. But alas, the result was half-baked.

The episode opens with Blair packing (Woops! Make that forcing Dorota to pack for her with a baby strapped to her chest!) for her Thanksgiving trip to visit her gay dad in gay Paris. Blair’s dress is freaking disgusting, I want to claw my eyes out. It looks like she grabbed the ugliest tartan tablecloth and just wrapped it around her waist.

Hideous!

The only thing saving this scene is the snotty tete a tete between Blair and Dorota, which then only makes me miss the rapier sharp wit of the spats between Karen and Rosario on Will & Grace. Now THERE was a maid! Dorota suggests that she take Harold’s famous pumpkin pie (aww! season one nostalgia!) over to the Van der Woodsen’s as a peace offering to Slutina before she leaves.

“Later, Baby Anna, I teach you how to spit in Miss Blair’s food when she not looking.”

Strange tinkling music helps us transition over to the Van der Woodsen home, where everyone is furious at Slutina, and assuming that she has been hiding out at Blair’s house since the masked ball.

Over in Brooklyn, Dan and Manessa are shopping at some hippie grocery store. Immediately, I am blinded once again – this time by Manessa’s fug-tastic Southwest serape of a jacket. It looks like the bastard love child of Joseph’s Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat and Ugly Betty’s poncho.

Wow. So, the wardrobe department hates Manessa just as much as the writers do!

Nate phones his dad in the slammer, who’s a little blue this time of year because he misses his estranged wife, who refuses to visit. Honestly, he’s better off without her, but whatevs. Then Nate bumps into the family lawyer outside his brownstone, who drops off some “time sensitive” documents. Ruh roh! Divorce? Worse! Seems Ann wants the marriage DISSOLVED! Ouch.

Blair, Dorota, and Baby Bjorn (Seriously? There’s this thing called day care!) arrive at Lily’s posh pad and have a semi-awkward run-in with Upchuck. But all that and the pie are pushed to the back burner when everyone realizes that Slutina has officially been missing for a week now.

“So, then where the hell is that slutbag daughter of mine?”

Cut to some flea bag dump of a motel where Slutina wakes up amidst a sea of liquor bottles and half-empty drug prescriptions. Ha! Deja vu, much? Weird French music and trippy camera work suggest that she’s still pretty out of it. Slutina calls 911 in a desperate plea for help.

“Help! I’m staying in a place with sheets that are less than 300 thread count! Ack!”

Nate cries some self-indulgent tears about his parents’ pending divorce to his bromantic pal, Dan. Zzz. Roofus calls and alerts them to the fact that Slutina’s in the hospital where everyone else is gathering, waiting for answers. Roofus then calls Jenny, who suddenly seems wracked with guilt that Slutina “overdosed.” Zzz.

Manessa clomps into the empty Van der Woodsen condo like a friggin’ Clydesdale and Dorota has to tell her twice to zip it, lest Baby Anna wake up. A sudden text from Jenny has Manessa looking scared.

“Shut up, girl! I just got baby down for nap, you stupid tranny!”

The terrible maudlin music from the past two scenes CONTINUES make my ears bleed as Dan gets to the hospital and runs into Blair. Dan can’t believe Slutina would overdose, but Blair reminds naive Lonely Boy that Slutina has a looong, dark history that precedes season one.

Roofus and Lily are told by the doctor that Slutina should recover from her overdose. The doc then suggests rehab – perhaps the Ostrohff Center? Bwahaha! For those of you who don’t remember, the Ostrohff Center is where Lily shipped off Eric when he was being suicidal. Yeah, great times! Lily is in mayjah denial – about what a terrible mom she’s been.

“Two junkie children? I can’t stand the humiliation! I need some more botox, stat!”

Nate crabs to his mother about the divorce papers. He begs her to come visit pops in jail, but she’s not having any of it. Who could blame her?

Her eyes are as big as her earrings!

The doctor hammers Lily for an answer about the rehab. Lily, Roofus, Dan, Blair, and Eric all pow wow about the pros and cons, and this would make a GREAT after school special – if Slutina really DID have a drug problem. Except that Juliet set her up! And excuse me, but how about you guys just go wake up Sleeping Beauty and get her side of the story before committing her against her will? Geez.

Before the tribal council can make their final decision, they are interrupted by a news report of Slutina’s hospitalization for a possible overdose. They even have her feeble 911 call recorded! Seems “someone” tipped off the media…

Bwahaha! Wow! That Juliet is GOOD!!

Lily is so mortified that she insists Slutina be shipped off to the Ostrohff Center IMMEDIATELY. LMAO!!!

Later, Slutina is PISSED at her mom for having her committed. (Ok, it’s kinda funny.) Lily pretends that she is being a good mom because she chose the hard road – public embarrassment – over blissful ignorance. Slutina also throws some ‘tude at Eric, who thinks she’s just in denial about her drug problem. LOL.

Jenny confronts Juliet, who does a bang-up job of pretending like she has NO idea what is going on. Little J feels guilty that they “gave” Slutina a drug problem, and admits she’s gonna come clean to everyone. NO!! (I really want Juliet’s plan to succeed – atleast for a little bit!) As soon as Jenny leaves, Juliet moves to Plan B, and emails some faux photos of herself as Slutina doing lines of blow. HA!

Yum!

Dan finds Slutina flipping through last month’s InStyle, and he seems to be the only one who believes her. She then tells him that the last thing she remembers was going to the masked ball to kiss Dan, not Nate. Hmm. Yeah, right! A likely story. She’s prolly only saying that cuz Dan is there and not Nate. Slut. Dan is so turned on that he decides to help spring her from the joint!

Manessa calls Juliet to say that she, too, is going to come clean. Juliet is so devious though… she says that everyone will forgive Jenny because she is “family.” But Manessa will be ostracized from the group, especially Dan. Manessa starts to panic. I love how Juliet gets everyone else to do her dirty work. LOL. Juliet goes back to packing. Wait, where is she going?!

Is that fear on your face? Or buyer’s remorse for that shiteous jacket?

Blair and Upchuck are having a moment (zzz) when Jenny walks into the Ostrohff Center to fess up to Roofus. But, she’s too late! Manessa beat her to the punch – AND sold her down the river by saying that Jenny orchestrated the whole Slutina-takedown by herself! HA! Before Jenny can respond, Lily flies into a panic because Slutina has disappeared from her minimum security room! GASP!

Over at the big house, Nate is shocked that his mom reconsidered his request to visit his dad. Gooey sentimental chit chat and zzz…

Dan and Slutina burst into the Brooklyn loft, looking for supplies for their great escape from town. Who are they, Bonnie and Clyde all of a sudden?! Slutina looks for snacks but can only find old milk and tofu. Dan wrinkles his nose and says that crap belongs to Manessa. Ha. Why did he ever date her in the first place?! Dan tries to convince her that they aren’t so much fugitives as just “taking a vacation.” Like the writers are “taking a vacation” too? Call it what you will, the two quasi-lovers are about to flee when Lily and Blair turn up at the door!

Busted!

Roofus decides that a stroll in the park is the perfect place to rip into Jenny. Jenny drags Manessa and Juliet under the bus with her, but Roofus doesn’t care. He is SO ashamed of Jenny, and she stomps away angrily in her big hooker boots.

Roofus looks like he’s picking up a prostitot.

Slutina acts pissy at Lily and Blair and runs off to pout. Lily and Dan then tear into each other over who know Slutina better and who is really there for her. I am doubly distracted by Kelly Rutherford’s worst acting to date on the show, combined with the worst, sappy music I’ve ever heard on this show. Is everyone just phoning it on cuz it’s the holidays?!?!

Slutina tries to plead her innocence to Blair, but is cut short by a nasty Gossip Girl blast of her hospitalization, combined with the coke bender photos that Juliet sent in. At this point, even Slutina doesn’t believe herself, and asks to be taken back to Ostrohff. Hehehe.

Slutina sulks. Dan tries to comfort. “I wasn’t wrong to believe in you. I still do. I always will.” BARF!! What is this?  Twilight?  Even their kiss looks painful. Luckily, Eric interrupts them to announce their car has arrived.

Snooze-fest!

Juliet brags to her brother Ben that their masked ball plans went perfectly, and Slutina has dropped out of Columbia. But her hubris gets the better of her, and Ben doesn’t seem too pleased that she went off the deep end with the drug overdose scheme. When did Ben get all high and mighty??

Is it just me, or is Ben getting hotter?

Blair is babbling in the limo to Upchuck, who literally has to tell her to shut the hell up. Only now without her incessant chatter, all I can hear is this god-awful music which sounds like Silk Stalkings leftovers.

Smash-cut to an Eminem-fueled montage of Juliet bumping into Nate’s father on her way out of jail, followed by Jenny finding Juliet’s apartment empty and deserted, save for a bag of trash … and a mask. Oh, lord! Why did Juliet leave any evidence behind?! There goes the whole scheme!!

Has Jenny found her last chance at redemption?

Nate’s mom tells him that she’s proud of him. Zzz. Meanwhile, Rofus and Lily throw themselves a pity party for both having unruly daughters they can’t control. You can say that again!!

Jenny braves going into the lion’s den (aka Blair’s palatial manse) and comes clean to Queen B about Juliet and the whole masked ball scheme. Ugh. I hate when naughty characters go soft. Grow a spine!! Blair wants Jenny to turn double agent and help her take Juliet down, but Little J opts to run back to Hudson with her tail between her legs. (More like she’s being written off the show! Adios, Taylor Momsen!)

Take a good, long, LAST look, folks!

Juliet quickly and quietly meets with Lily at some bar before skipping town to collect her monthly installment of hush money. Lily gives her a check for $5,000. Um, that’s it?? That wouldn’t last a DAY on the UES. In any case, Juliet better cash that shiz before Blair tells Lily the truth!!

Some random prison guard bursts Nate’s happy bubble by saying that having his mom there will do wonders for his father’s parole meeting. So, basically the dad was just using them as usual. LOL. Classic!

Upchuck is surprised by a room service delivery of pumpkin pie – courtesy of his ex-heffer, Blair.

Best moment of the episode: Manessa is walking alone at night, just begging to be mugged, when she gets a text from Jenny: “I told Blair everything. Good luck lying your way out of this one.” Bwahaha! Manessa decides to run home for the holidays with her tail tucked between her legs, too.

Sucks to be you, Fug Face.

Lily, Roofus, and Eric drop by Slutina’s new digs at the Ostrohff Center with mea culpa French fries, and my Grinchy heart grew 1/3 size with nostalgia for season one.

And in the final scene, Blair drops by the Brooklyn loft to tell Dan he may have been right all along about Slutina, and that she needs his help to track down that bitch Juliet and force a confession out of her. Dan’s dopey face curls into a grin.

Peek-a-boo! Is that the missing goodness from this episode? Naw, it’s just rumpled, smelly, old Blair…

Le sigh. What a clunker of an episode!! But, atleast the stage is set for something semi-promising next week. Dan and Blair on a road trip together? They’ll kill each other before they get the chance to kill Juliet! What did you think of the episode? Am I being way too harsh, Tai? As always, leave your comments and questions! You know you love me! -Gossip Slife