Gossip Girl: The Heir Apparent Trap

Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. Last night’s episode was a fun, taut, twisty labyrinth of Oedipal complexes and parental issues. Everyone seemed to be struggling against their mother or father in some way.

The episode opens in somber fashion with RUDEfus escorting Lily into the DA’s office to give her statement. Huh? WTF?! Is Lily suddenly headed for prison after all? Alas, it’s one of those flash forward teases… and suddenly we are whisked backwards in time a whopping 12 hours.

Psych!  I hate when they pull these stunts! And you know there’s always a twist!

The previous morning opens with Lily reading in the paper that Kidd Financial is poised to help save Bass Industries. Yay for Upchuck! And while Upchuck is busy ringing the bell at the New York Stock Exchange (Sex & The City did it!) Nate is busy trying to ring Raina’s bell – if you get what I mean!

Slutina ignores yet another annoying text from Manessa, and sits down to breakfast, where she and Dorota (where have you been?!) are completely unnerved by how calm and peaceful Blair has been acting lately.

She does look glow-y. Preggers? Xanax?

Slutina frets because she hasn’t heard a peep from Ben ever since she invited him into her vajayjay. Ha! Typical. (Shouldn’t she be used to this by now?) Blair suggests she go find out the truth immediately. With Slutina gone, and Dorota dismissed, Blair texts “someone” (duh! Dan!) that the coast is clear to come over.

Upchuck arrives at Russell Thorpe’s office in his finest zoot suit to gloat about his victory. Russell intimates that the victory lap is a bit premature, and that he still has a few tricks up his sleeve before Chuck’s big party that night. He also drops the bomb on Chuck that Raina has been getting awfully chummy lately with his best friend Nate.

Zoot suit riot! Throw back a bottle of queer.

Raina tells Nate that before they get serious, she thinks it would be best to be honest with Upchuck, and Nate agrees to tell him the truth.

Upon reading an article in New York magazine (which I love, by the way!) Dan suggests to Blair that they go check out an art exhibit at the MoMA. Blair agrees, as long as they arrive separately and map out an exit strategy in case they’re seen together. LOL. When Dorota comes home early, Blair tosses Dan out through the bathroom just in the nick of time. Dorota is no fool though, and senses Blair’s odd behavior. When she sees Dan’s name on the mailing label of the New York magazine, Dorota’s imagination runs away from her.

I haven’t seen eyes bug out like this since the For Eyes lady!

Slutina tracks Ben down at the loft, and he’s clearly uncomfortable with letting her in. Ha! Another woman? Sorta… it’s his mother!! Cynthia Sharp is none too pleased to see Slutina, and gives her the cold shoulder. So does Ben when he pretends that she’s really there to see his roommate Dan. Bwahaha! He tells Slutina in private that he’s not ready to tell his mom the truth about their relationship yet, and Slutina begs for the chance to win her over.

Mother Fearest!

Lily is confused when her Elie Saab dress comes back from the cleaners – along with a taunting prison jumpsuit and a note that reads: “Might want to wear this tonight.” LOL.

Orange IS the new black.

Lily and Upchuck can only assume that Russell is behind the prank, but where’s his evidence? And who is blabbing the truth? We know it’s Damien, but Upchuck wonders if it could be Ben?

Dan needs some advice about his relationship with Blair, so he turns to RUDEfus, but keeps things vague, since he’s clearly conflicted and a little ashamed. His dad suggests that a friendship could be a cover when two people are afraid of deeper feelings. LOL. Dan gets skittish, and opts to have lunch with his dad instead of meeting up with Blair.

Meanwhile, Dorota forgets that she is a humble maid servant, and publicly accuses Blair (in a shiteous red hat) of having an affair with Dan Humphrey! LOL. Blair denies it, but so what if she was? What business is it of Dorota’s?! Blair decides to stand Dan up just to prove that they aren’t even friends. Aww.

Judgemental much?  And PS, burn that red hat.

Slutina tries to win Mama Sharp over with Joe’s Pizza, but it turns out the old broad is lactose intolerant. Really?! Come on! Slutina throws a spinach salad at her, and takes an urgent call from Lily, who urges her to question Ben about the forged affidavit. They hang up, and Manessa’s fugly ass drops in on Lily with some urgent news of her own – about Ben!

Why all the pizza?!  Was she planning on feeding an army?

Slutina overhears Mrs. Sharp urging Ben to turn his back on the Van der Woodsens so that he can clear his name and move on with his life. When Ben balks, his mom excuses herself to go fetch her purse upstairs. Upstairs?! WTF? Why did she leave her purse upstairs? I don’t own a purse, but if I did, I sure as sugar wouldn’t be a clumsy ox and just leave it lying around in some stranger’s upstairs bedroom! Fishy…

Blair just HAPPENS to run into Dan on the street, and they are shocked that they both stood each other up; but then again, smart minds think alike! As they quickly part ways in a huff, it starts to dawn on both of them that there may be some feelings here?

Upchuck confronts Nate about Raina. Nate comes clean and says they are just friends, despite their obvious, mutual attraction. Chuck bitches about the knife in his back, and Nate apologizes for being so devastatingly handsome.

Busted!

Blair confronts Dan about all this skulking around they’re doing, and how it’s giving people like Dorota the wrong impression. Dan decides the best thing to do is to come clean about their friendship to everyone. Sounds smart. For whatever reason, Blair decides to preempt their announcement with an anonymous blast on Gossip Girl about some HUGE revelation at Upchuck’s party, so that the truth will pale in comparison. Huh? Lame.

Upchuck actually tells Raina the truth about Lily’s perjury, and implores her to stop her dad before he uses this information to destroy his family. Raina has serious doubts that her father would ever be as manipulative as Chuck. Ha!

Lily pays Slutina a visit, with fug queen Manessa in tow. Manessa tells Slutina the awful truth that she overheard: that Ben was responsible for the prison attack on Capt. ArchiBALD. WTF?! I totally expected Manessa to blackmail Ben with this info so she could weasel her way back into the gang. What a let down!

Even Lily can’t make excuses for Manessa’s tacky fashion.

Manessa leaves, and Lily questions Slutina further about Ben and the affidavit. Lily demands that Slutina return the affidavit, but when she searches her room and finds that it’s not in its proper hiding spot, they both assume that Ben stole it! Ruh roh!

That night, Upchuck’s party is in full swing. (What the hell is this party even for?!) Blair is consumed by this “anonymous” blast on Gossip Girl about a secret being exposed. Slutina assumes it’s about her (as usual) and thinks that Russell is going to publicly humiliate her mother at the party with the truth about the affidavit. Realizing the gravity of the situation, Blair decides it’s not a good time for her and Dan to come forward.

Slutina erroneously confronts Ben about the stolen affidavit, and he’s hurt that she still doesn’t trust him. She’s hurt that he can’t be honest with her. Ben swears he is, so she asks him about the attack on Capt. ArchiBALD, and he’s forced to fess up, before stomping off angrily as usual.

A clenched jaw does not a fine actor make.

Cynthia Sharp pays Lily a little visit, and then lets it slip that her “friend” Russell has arrived at the party. Lily puts two and two together and deduces that CYNTHIA stole the affidavit, not Ben! Cynthia confesses that Russell promised to help Ben get his life back if she handed over the affidavit. Lily knows she is utterly screwed now.

Lily is an absolute vision in her gorgeous Elie Saab dress! If she’s going to prison – she’s going out with a bang!

Lily steals RUDEfus away from an inane convo with Dan where he basically laughs at how funny / grotesque it would be if Blair turned out to be the mysterious friend Dan was talking about earlier. Groan! Why is everyone so anti-Dan&Blair??

Nate and Raina duck out of sight just seconds before Upchuck, Lily, and Russell enter Chuck’s hotel suite for their private meeting. Russell makes a joke about the orange prison suit before he whips out a copy of the affidavit and dangles it in Lily’s face, threatening to expose her and destroy their family unless Chuck signs Bass Industries over once and for all. Just then, Raina pops out of the shadows and unleashes a torrent of disgust on her father for his shady business practices.

Don’t look so confused, Thorpe. You just got PUNK’D!

Instead of chasing after his daughter, Thorpe continues to put the screws to Chuck, but Lily confesses that she has already called the DA’s office and is prepared to turn herself in, in order to protect Chuck and the legacy of his father’s company. Wow. I did NOT see that coming. I honestly thought Ben would come to the rescue before Lily hit the slammer…

Lily leaves, and Russell decides it’s time to drop one last final bombshell on Chuck – the REAL reason he has been so hellbent on destroying Bass Industries!

Secrets from the past? On this show?! Why, I never!

Raina storms off in a huff, and Nate does a decent job of talking her down off the ledge with a speech about how even superhero parents are still human.

Slutina and Ben reconcile when they both discover his mother was Russell’s lackey with the stole affidavit. Ben still (rightly) suspects that the info came from a vengeful Damien Dalgaard after Ben roughed him up last week. Ben wonders if it’s time to let go of his dreams of being a teacher. Slutina assumes he’s about to break up with her, so she beats him to the punch and gives him a farewell kiss.

Of course, now that she’s snared him with her vajenicals, Slutina has completely lost interest. On to the next guest star!

The writers of Gossip Girl decide to harken back to a long-forgotten subplot about how Bart Bass made his fortune by setting fire to an abandoned building and accidentally killing a security guard inside. Upchuck has a hard time believing Russell that this whole revenge caper is because his wife perished in that fire as well. Seriously?! Don’t you think it would have made headlines if some wealthy dude’s wife burned to death in a fire? I smell a sham…

This lie is even bigger than the gap in Chuck’s teeth!

Dan and Blair agree that Lily’s scandal is going to rock the UES like a hurricane, and that they would serve everyone best if they just stayed frenemies, and went their separate ways. Ugh.

What? No! They can’t break up before they even date!!

Upchuck bitterly tells Slutina to shut the party down, and proceeds to drink himself into a stupor.

At the DA’s office, Ben finishes giving his statement as well, and Lily makes one final stipulation – that Ben’s record be expunged. Ben thanks her, and I am genuinely touched by Lily’s honesty and compassion. She then gives a surprisingly sweet soliloquy (to the DA) about the importance of making your children smile.

Just when you thought this whole messy storyline was coming to a close – guess again! Surprise! It’s guest star Billy Baldwin, back from BFE as Eric and Slutina’s crooked father, Dr. William Van Der Woodsen. He tells RUDEfus that Cici called him, and they’ve decided to “circle the wagons” in Lily’s time of need. Oh, brother!

This is gonna be one helluva family reunion!

Russell pays his daughter a final farewell before he leaves town to return to Chicago. She says that Lily turning herself in doesn’t change the way she feels about him. Russell hopes that one day she will forgive him and be proud to call him her father. Zzz. Adios, jerkoff!

After downing a fifth of whiskey, Upchuck erratically tells Slutina that he HAS to speak to Blair IMMEDIATELY! She is apparently the ONLY person in the world who can understand what he is going through. As stupid as he sounds, this is probably the most realistic part of this whole show. Slutina agrees to help him get safely to Blair’s manse…

Nothing screams adolescent drama more than drunken logic!

Blair looks shocked when her elevator door opens … and Dan steps out!! Oh, SHIZ! YESSS!! This is gonna get GOOD! Dan tells her that perhaps they are being blind to what everyone else is starting to suspect about them. Dan can’t put this behind him until he knows FOR SURE there are no feelings between them. He proposes one kiss to satisfy their curiosity. Blair acts all coy, and then immediately agrees. Tee hee! I am so eager to finally see them give in to their feelings that I’m as giddy as a school girl!! Dan tries to be all suave, to which Blair sighs, “Oh, for crying out loud, Humphrey!” She grabs him by the collar, and plants a big ol’ wet smooch on his lips!! The camera freezes, and then …

OMFG!!

Boom! Cut to black. OMG! And sadly, GG won’t be back with new episodes until April 18!! Bloody hell! That was one helluva cliffhanger! What is going to happen between Dan and Blair?! What is going to happen when Upchuck and Slutina walk in and find them kissing?! What tricks does Billy Baldwin have up his sleeve? Is Lily going to jail? Have we seen the last of Damien? Will someone please murder Manessa? So many burning questions!! As always, please leave your questions and comments! You know you love me! Xoxo, Gossip Slife