Gossip Girl: The Key To My Sexcess

Gossip Slife here. Thankfully, the writers of Gossip Girl brought everyone home from their tour de France, and they even decided to bring back Eric, Dorota, Penelope, and Whoregina Sparks. Now that the gang’s all back, (minus that skanky Little J) it’s time to get back to basics: keys, class, cocktails, couture, and cattiness!

The episode opens with Blair’s worst nightmare: Gossip Girl’s website is down on her first day of school at Columbia!! Quel horror! Blair: “How is my first day supposed to matter if Gossip Girl isn’t around to tell people it does?!” Don’t you just hate when self-involved rich bitches have an existential crisis before 9am?!

Dun dun dun!!

Meanwhile, Slutina is enjoying not being in Gossip Girl’s blaring spotlight for a change. Eric strolls out in a bright pink shirt to remind viewers that he’s a flaming homosexual, and warns his big sis that Gossip Girl might have a few tricks up her sleeve. After all, the site is under construction, not out of service!

Upchuck wakes up next to a note and finds Eva on the roof as if she’s about jump. Already she seems nuts. I don’t trust her French ass. Too bad Upchuck’s got morning wood. He and Eva go at it like two exhibitionists staying at The Standard.

Yup. Dem’s crazy eyes!

S and B stroll through the lush Columbia college campus. Excuse moi, but what classes are they taking? Legs 101? Intro to Boobs? Natch, they aren’t even talking about school; they’re gabbing about some never-before-mentioned exclusive club called Hamilton House that they are both dying to join. Blair: “It makes Soho House look like a halfway house.” LOL

They didn’t make girls like this at UCSB when I was in college!

Roofus drops by the Brooklyn loft to tell Dan the sobering truth that Whoregina lied about Milo’s paternity. Lily meanwhile uses the opportunity to text Upchuck and invite him over for tea. Nate drops by to return his little black book, which Upchuck promptly throws in the trash. He then tells Eva she can treat herself to the lap of luxury at his hotel, and she’s overwhelmed by his generosity. Nate’s atleast smart enough to know that Upchuck’s simply pulling the wool over that sweet, little lamb’s eyes.

S and B arrive at Hamilton House, where they are rudely greeted by Blair’s former high school minion, Penelope!  Oh, how I’ve missed that sour puss skank!  Luckily, Blair’s bullshit shields are at maximum, and Penelope’s barbs bounce right off of her.

Sorry, P, but you’ll never get your chance to shine in this town!

S and B are directed to the keymaster … who just so happens to be Juliet Sharp! (Katie Cassidy.) Ok, hold up. How is this girl a poor con artist living in a dump and returning clothes, but she heads up Hamilton House?! Minor oversight? Or upcoming plot twist?? Hmm. Anyways, Slutina is dismayed to see her, and Juliet pretends like she’s never even met Serena. LOL. She then “regrets” to inform them that she only has one key left … and it’s for Blair! Blair is overcome with excitement, and Slutina actually looks confused that she didn’t get in. Bwahaha. Just to keep score: Juliet 2, Slutina, 0.

Peekaboo, bitches!

Gossip Girl returns from some R&R (she claims she had some work done?!) and reports that Chuck is back in NYC with a new girl and visiting his stepmom Lily. Cunty little Eric texts this gem of info to Roofus, who flies into a rage. Dan gets similarly agitated when Gossip Girl reports that Whoregina has flown the coop and is catching some sun on the beaches of St. Barts. LOL.

Gossip Girl adds to Slutina’s embarrassment by announcing her rejection from Hamilton House, and then Juliet adds insult to injury and asks S to leave the premises since she’s not a member. HA! The score: Juliet, 4. Slutina, 0.

Lily and Upchuck bond over tea time together, where he apologizes for screwing Little J, and in the same breath gushes about falling for Eva who “nursed him back to health.” Yeah, about that. Why didn’t she take him to a hospital again? Something’s fishy! Lily admits that not everyone is as happy as she is to have Upchuck home, but maybe he can mend some old wounds by introducing everyone to Eva at Fashion’s Night Out. Wait, that’s STILL going? Oy vey! This show went from timely to passe in two short eps.

He’s lucky he’s rich. This is a face only asphalt could love.

Blair pretends that she’s willing to give up Hamilton House for Slutina, who’s too good of a friend to let her do that. Blair squeals like a pig in delight that she gets to stay. The two besties agree to do dinner later. Slutina needs an emotional pick-me-up, so she calls Dan, but he’s too busy trying to track down Whoregina to give her the time of day. LOL. S then spies Nate and tries to chat him up, but he totally blows her off, too. Ha! The score: Juliet, 5. Slutina, 0.

Atleast Slutina has an amazing dress this week!

Roofus lays into Lily for extending an olive branch to Upchuck, but then concedes to give the rat Basstard one last chance.

Chuck has business to attend to, so he leaves Eva at some chic boutique and tells her to buy anything she wants for the FNO event. Eva seems overwhelmed by this Pretty Woman reenactment. Blair and Juliet just happen to be shopping at the same store (LAME) and Juliet manages to corrupt Blair’s feeble little mind by coercing her to stop by Hamilton House for inaugural drinks rather than keep her dinner date with Slutina. The score: Juliet, 6. Slutina, 0.

Juliet leaves, and Blair is suddenly accosted by Eva who’s trying to be all friendly and shake her hand. Blair recoils and looks at her like she has the avian bird flu or something. She manages to regain her composure and lets the fur fly, by coldly putting Eva and her “peasant hands” in their place.

“Get your filthy, mudblood paws off of me!”

Dan whines to Manessa that Whoregina abandoned her son. Zzz.

Blair is enjoying drinks and bossing Penelope around at the Hamilton House mixer, when Slutina calls, starving for attention, er, dinner. Blair tries to pretend she’s busy with “school” while Juliet does her best to talk loudly so Slutina will hear her in the background. LMAO.

Drinks on the steps? Socks and heels? It’s like high school all over again!

Slutina sighs and agrees to take a raincheck, then two seconds later sees Blair holding court with the Hamilton House hags on Gossip Girl! GG: “Don’t worry, S. It’s not your party, but you can cry if you want to.” LOL. The score: Juliet, 7. Slutina, 0.

That bitch!

At Hamilton House the next day, Juliet is working overtime to rebuff Nate’s advances. But she agrees to let him volunteer with her at Fashion’s Night Out so they can get spend some more time together.

Slutina lies in wait for Blair and then ambushes her, and tells her she knows the truth about getting stood up, thanks to Gossip Girl. Blair seems horrified (probably because they are both sporting matching clear umbrellas). She apologizes for being “drunk on gin and attention” and then throws Juliet under the bus for wanting to spare Slutina’s feelings. Slutina goes off on how she distrusts Juliet’s motives, and B thinks S is just jealous cuz she didn’t get into Hamilton House. Bwahaha. The score: Juliet, 8. Slutina, 0.

Just then, Slutina sees a girl who’s A TOTAL NOBODY come out of Hamilton House with a new key! What gives?! Then she spies Juliet and Nate slinking off together. The score: Juliet 10. Slutina, 0.

Juliet gloats…

While Slutina plots her revenge!

Upchuck’s ready to go to FNO, but Eva is terrified in light of Blair’s barbs. She doesn’t feel she belongs in Chuck’s world. Upchuck talks her down off the crazy ledge, and Eva agrees to get dressed.

Roofus helps queerling Eric ties his bowtie, and informs him that Lily invited Upchuck to the event, and Eric throws a huge hissy fit. he then lets it slip that Chuck basically tried to force himself on Little J back in season one and rape her. Roofus clenches his jaw (and his butt cheeks) in silent rage.

After a trip to the fakest Child Protective Services building I’ve ever seen, Dan tells Manessa that he refuses to let Milo bounce around in the system and that he will simply raise the child as his own.

Funbags Slutina lies in wait for Juliet on the Columbia campus, and calls out to her. Juliet says a polite (yet fake) hello, and JUST KEEPS WALKING! LMAO. Classic. I want to do that to someone so badly now! S goes all ghetto and is like, “Cut the crap, bitch,” and she looks like she’s about to take off her earrings and snatch someone’s weave out. Juliet apologizes about the keys, and Slutina calls her out for giving out a fresh key that very morning! Juliet then tells Slutina that she WAS on the list … until Blair called up the selection committee and told them about a sex tape from S’s past! (Hmm. This is obviously BS as Blair did no such thing. But how did Juliet know about it???) Sadly, Slutina looks like she actually believes Juliet’s lies! The score: Juliet, 13. Slutina, 1.

“Wow! Look who grew a pair today!”

Dan stresses about the responsibilities of single fatherhood, and Manessa uses the opportunity to insert herself into Dan’s life, and she offers to move in and help Dan raise the baby. Really?! This isn’t like playing house, kiddies! This is a CHILD!

Slutina STRUTS her shiz into a FNO party wearing a HOT (but still slutty) DVF dress. (Her second of the episode.) Natch, Penelope and her crones inform S that B is at the DVF party with her NEW bestie, Juliet. Slutina rolls her eyes, and struts her ass right back out, as Penelope and company follow in hot pursuit with their camera phones, ready for an epic throwdown!  I’m so ready, too!

Let me see your pea-cock-cock-cock (dress)!

While Eva gets drinks, Upchuck tries to kiss up to Eric and Roofus, who aren’t having it. Roofus is PISSED now that he knows Upchuck tried to rape Jenny. And Upchuck is pissed that prissy little Eric ran his mouth off. LOL. Roofus wants to find Eva so he can “warn” her about Chuck. He spots her, but Chuck pretends that she’s some loser so that Roofus won’t blab to her. Of course, Eva hears this, gets her French feelings hurt, and runs away.

Juliet arrives at DVF where Penelope and her hag clones inform her that S and B are in the middle of a huge Jersey Shore brawl … AND that Gossip Girl is streaming the fight LIVE! Juliet then hooks the phone with the live feed into the giant TV screens for the whole party to watch! LOL.

LOVE!

Hey, Blondie! Lay off the wine. You look 50.

S and B go at it like dogs in heat, until Juliet finally decides to pull back the curtain… where Slutina and Blair are calmly sitting on a couch together, smiling.

Psych!!!

Turns out S and B caught on to Juliet’s wicked ways, teamed up against her, had Dorota shoot a faux fight, and then Gossip Girl agreed to stream it “live” in order to help them take Juliet down. Juliet plays dumb, but Lily swoops in and says that half the board of Bass Industries are Hamilton House alumni, and they all confirmed that Slutina was supposed to get a key. Lily then forces Juliet to relinquish her key AND her title as keymaster. Juliet is publicly shamed in front of EVERYONE, including Nate. She takes off her key, throws it in Slutina’s face, and runs away with her tail between her legs. Masterful scene! The score: Juliet, 13. Slutina: 3.

“Don’t EFF with the Van der Woodsens, bitch!”

Nate tries to chase after Juliet, who disappears in the crowd. Slutina chases after Nate, who finally tells her to her face that he’s been mad at her all summer long.

Dan is cooing over baby Milo when Whoregina makes a miraculous re-appearance and tries to make a grab for her son. Dan is pissed that she left, and tells her that he knows he’s not the father. Whoregina explains that she had to lie … because someone was trying to kill her! (Just one person?!) Whoregina explains that she hooked up with some married Russian businessman named Sergei, and then his crazy wife Oksana found out. (What are these lame, stock Russian character names? Are the writer’s running out of steam 32 minutes into the episode?) Whoregina scammed everyone into thinking Dan was her baby’s father in order to save Milo’s life. Dan’s upset, and doesn’t want to give Milo up, but he doesn’t have much of a choice, since he’s not the real baby daddy.

This ain’t no Daddy Day Care!

Lily finds Upchuck nursing his wounds with scotch. She tells him that Jenny came clean to her ages ago, and that she smoothed things over with Roofus. Chuck runs after Eva and begs her not to leave.

Charlotte Ronson makes a tepid cameo at the DVF party. Blair says hello to her and then gloats in Chuck’s face when she thinks that Eva has left him. But alas, Eva returns, Chuck’s face lights up, and Blair’s the one left alone and miserable. HA!

Nate finds Juliet organizing gift bags. She apologizes for sabotaging his ex girlfriend, and he rewards her with a steamy kiss, as S and B watch in horror. Blair: “Once men have tasted caviar, it baffles me how they settle for catfish.”  HA.

Sour grapes, ladies?

Dan sulks that Milo is gone. I’m sulking that Lily wasted so much time and money on that nursery! Manessa asks Dan if he still wants to live together, and he foolishly says yes. Ugh.

Back at Blair’s, she and Slutina are gabbing about boys and how they suck, when Blair tells her that atleast she has the best off campus housing of any girl at Clumbia… and then surprises her with her very own bedroom at Blair’s house! W.T.F. ?!?!?! Why does Blair want Slutina to live with her?! And why wouldn’t Slutina just live at Lily’s faboosh home?! This makes NO sense whatsoever. But S is happy. And she and B are besties again. So, I’ll go with it.

So, basically, Eva is moving in with Upchuck, Manessa is moving in with Dan, and Slutina and Blair are now roomies. This is quite the changing of the guard! But, it’s fitting for an episode that centers around keys…

And speaking of lock and key, the show ends with a nice twist, as Juliet goes to visit some dude in prison. We can surmise that he is her co-conspirator, and she admits that breaking the bonds between S and B is proving harder than she thought, but she refuses to give up! Hmm!

Orange is the new bitch.

I loved the ending! What did you all think? Is her her boyfriend? Her brother? Why is he in jail? And why are the two of them hellbent on destroying Manhattan’s elite? Only time will tell! Leave your comments, kids! You know you love me! Xoxo, Gossip Slife