Gossip Girl: The Paristocrats

Bonjour, mon Gasmii! Gossip Slife here. Seems one episode set in France just wasn’t enough for the writers of Gossip Girl, so last night we were treated to An American Princess in Paris, Part Deux. And honestly, if you’re a fan of Gossip Girl, it was a pretty decent episode. It did what Gossip Girl does best: it was steamy, scheme-y, and angsty … even if the steamy was Dan and Manessa (barf), the scheme-y was Nate (kinda weak sauce) and the angsty was Blair trying to pretend she was over Chuck. Fat chance, sweetie! Stick another French croissant in your face and shut…the front door!

The ep opens with S and B shoveling food in their face at some boulangerie on their final day in Paris. Blair can’t help but be a jealous pig and pester Slutina about making a choice between Nate and Dan, and even compares them to pastries! What a hog! I didn’t really follow the rest of this scene, because I was so distracted by how hideous S and B looked in their crazeballs outfits! What is going on with Slutina’s hair?! It looks like a rat’s nest on top of a ponytail! And her clothes! Blue harem pants?! Come ON! Someone’s gonna poke their eyes out on those sequined shoulder pads! And then there’s Blair, trotting around like Madeline with a bedpan on her head! Oh, merde!!

Hot mess!

Hotter mess!

Hottest mess!

Blair leaves for her date with Louie. Lord only knows WHY he decided to give her a second chance. Lily calls Slutina and asks her to go to the Paris morgue and ID a body which may be that of Chuck Bass! Ugh! Way to kill a fun-filled day of shopping on the Rue de blah blah blah, mother!

Back in NYC, Juliet is getting all the dirt on Slutina from Nate. Juliet: “So, she took the virginity of her best friend’s boyfriend, ran away to boarding school, bounced from guy to guy, until dating your married Congressman cousin, fell in love with you, and cheated on you with your friend who’s also her ex?” ROFLMAO! Yup, that’s our Slut McGee Funbags Van der Woodsen in a nutshell! Juliet then quips: “The only thing that would make it better if one of those boyfriends turned out to be her brother.” Nate: “Does step-brother count?” Juliet then offers to be Nate’s “life coach” for a day so he can make up his mind once and for all about Slutina.

“OMG!  She’s an even bigger slut than I was on Melrose Place!”

S goes to the morgue to see the body, but naturally, it’s not her Basshole step-brother. Chuck, meanwhile, is still pretending to be “Henry Prince” and is slumming it with his doe-eyed French savior. Zzz.

Nate and Juliet go to the Brooklyn loft where the walk in to find The Humph croaking out a warbling lullaby to baby Milo. Yup, my ears are officially bleeding. When Dan’s not looking, Nate swipes his phone and sees that Slutina’s been texting both of them. Juliet trots over and goes all Lady Macbeth on Nate, coaxing him to sabotage Dan if he wants to win Slutina back. GAME ON!

OMG!  Baby Milo is too cute for words in that hat!

Chuck grabs his cane and is hobbling off to his first day of honest work as a waiter (LOL) when, in the show’s most preposterous coincidence, Blair’s taxi screeches to a halt and the star-crossed lovers exchange awkward glances, before Blair screeches at her driver to haul ass.

Talk about awkward!!

Vanessa and Juliet return from grocery shopping / girl bonding / gab fest 2010, and V plops her hippie ass down on the couch next to Dan and starts cooing in Milo’s face. Juliet (not so subtly) shouts across the room how great Manessa is with babies, and then tells Nate what a great couple “Danessa” is. Nate may be a dummy, but he’s not THAT stupid. He knows what Juliet is up to, but decides to play along.

Blair returns from shopping and tells Slutina that Dan is ahead in the Gossip Girl poll of who she should pick: Dan vs. Nate. WTF?! When did GG start doing polls? And when did GG give two shits what the peons think? Anyways, Slutina tells Bair she went to the morgue today. Blair: “What is that? A sex club?” LMAO. Is Blair really that stupid? Or does she simply think her bestie is a total slutbag? Slutina confesses that Chuck is not dead, but is MIA. Blair is hardly moved, then admits she saw that Basstard earlier that day. Slutina is totally shocked.

This outfit just keeps getting worse. Why won’t she just change already?

Worst scene alert: Chuck helps some drunk old fart named Jacques stumble out of the wine shop where he works. This guy is so NOT French! It looks like they just plucked someone’s grandpa out of a rest home in Boca Raton. And listening to Ed Westwick “impress” us with his French diction is like nails on a chalkboard. His lame girlfriend shows up. I’m just gonna call her Gigi. (GG, get it?) Upchuck tells Gigi that he’s had a change of heart about Paris, and now (after running into Blair) wants to say au revoir again.

I’m gonna need a pair of Depends after watching this scene.

Lily tells Roofus that Milo’s doctor at Lennox Hill won’t discuss his medical files with anyone other than his parents. Roofus expresses concern that Whore-gina didn’t even have a real doctor on the phone before. THANK YOU! Someone with a brain! Lily, however, wants Roofus to stop being so paranoid and help her turn Little J’s room into a nursery for Milo. Ha! Talk about yesterday’s garbage!

While Dan takes a nap (typical father!) Juliet uses the opportunity to hiss a few lies in Manessa’s ear about how Dan supposedly told Nate that he still harbors feelings for her. Nate looks confused, but plays along with Juliet’s scheme, and Manessa falls for it hook, line, and stinker.

Meanwhile, Slutina hits the pavement in her blue harem pants, waving Chuck’s photo in the face of every barkeep and wine shop owner in town. Natch, she runs into Gigi’s uncle, who remarks that Chuck looks an awful lot like his new waiter.  What’s French for “DUH?!”

Chuck and Gigi are making plans to get the hell out of Dodge when there’s a knock at the door and Slutina shows up, shocked and excited to see that Chuck is alive. But much to her horror, Chuck pretends he doesn’t know her, and SLAMS the door in her face! LOL. Genius!

Blair is on her date with Louie and he’s telling her that he had no idea she had such a love for street food. Are you kidding me, dude?! Hips don’t lie! And neither do those chub cheeks of her! Louie decides to woo Blair with a trip to Givenchy, and she’s hard-pressed not to say no!

Those kabobs are gonna go straight to your birthing hips, sweetie.

Dan wakes up from his nap to find Manessa playing house and cooking him dinner. They do their awkward / nervous flirting, Dan admits he’s missed her, and then Manessa leans in and starts smooching him. Gross!

Ever heard of using a hairbrush?

Slutina ambushes Chuck outside his apartment and tries to convince him not to turn his back on his old life, but Chuck blows her off AGAIN!

“Danessa” wake up in each other’s arms after the throes of passion. Vommies! Manessa decides that the perfect post-sex convo should be how she owes Nate a thank you for “blabbing” to her what Dan told him. Dan is of course, bewildered, since he said no such thing about still having feelings for his tranny bff or her five o’clock shadow.

“Why do I keep hooking up with you?!”

Slutina comes back to her suite, STILL in that gaudy getup, and finds Blair bossing around an entourage as she gets ready to meet the royal family. She claims to be over Chuck, but then jumps at the first mention of his name from S. Slutina then receives a giant envelope from Chuck – it seems he’s signed the deed to the Empire over to Lily! Hmm. Maybe he IS serious about turning his back on all things Bass?

Nate is hanging with Juliet when he gets a snotty little text from Dan: “I know what you told Vanessa.” Oops! Busted! But wait, why is Dan so upset? He got some summer lovin’ out of it, didn’t he??

Louie’s chauffeur arrives to pick up Blair and whisk her off to Harry Winston for some shopping, just as Slutina texts her to say, “I need to talk to you about Chuck.” Sorry, S, but haven’t you heard? Diamonds are a girl’s best friend! Blair naturally disregards the text and scampers off. (Smart girl!)

“Chuck? Or diamonds? Hmm. Lemme think…”

Slutina hangs up and then promptly gets a call from Inspector Gevalia to meet with him. Gevalia?! Like that shitty instant coffee that’s supposed to evoke some regal European image of romanticism? Couldn’t that have come up with something better? Like Inspector Clouseau? JK.

Blair is busy drooling over the gems at Harry Winston, most notably a GORGE ring she can’t have because it’s already been sold. Slutina and Juan Valdez, oops! I meant Gevalia (I got my coffees mixed up) walk in. WTF?! Turns out they are there to claim the sold ring in question, because it was the ring Chuck was going to propose to Blair with. When Chuck got mugged, the thieves tried to return it to Harry Winston for cash. (Morons!) How Gevalia knows that Chuck was shot because he refused to give up the ring is beyond me, but whatevs. Blair seems touched. Zzz.

The only thing Blair drools over more than pastries is jewels.

Nate comes over to apologize to Dan and they get into a whispering hissy fit. Natch, Manessa overhears everything and feels like a rube for falling for Nate’s scheme and sleeping with Dan. LOL.

Back at Harry Winston, (still?!) Slutina begs Blair to put her fancy shmancy ball aside and stop Chuck from leaving Paris, because she’s the only one he will listen to! Of course, Blair whips around and there’s Louie waiting to take her to the ball. Decisions, decisions!

Ok, Blair actually looks STUNNING here!

Nate and Dan share some brewskies on the roof like they are straight buds. Nate apologizes, and Dan admits that he kinda does have feelings for Manessa again. PS, normal guys don’t talk like this. Anyways, Nate reminds us that Slutina returns home tomorrow, and they stare off wistfully at the sunset.

Meanwhile, in Paris, Gigi watches her competish (Blair) run past her into the train station. Blair finally comes face to face with Chuck in what may be the show’s most cinematic shot to date. Then they spend the next five minutes in tortured discourse about love, identity, and forgiveness. My Blair Lady returns the wedding ring and tells Chuck that she’s hurt, but not broken. Chuck: “Your world would be easier if I weren’t in it.” Blair: “It wouldn’t be my world without you in it.” OK, call me a cheeseball, but this scene was great!

Le delour exquise!

The next day, Slutina has FINALLY changed clothes and flown home solo to NYC. She calls Blair to admit she still hasn’t made up her mind between Nate and Dan. Shocking!

Nate takes Juliet to Norma’s (again?! Are there no other restaurants in all of Manhattan?!) and she apologizes for meddling.

Danessa goes for a walk in the park where they kiss and make up and try to make a go at being a couple again. BARF!

Louie finds Blair in front of their favorite painting, where he offers to keep the fairy tale going strong, but Blair turns him down, and admits she can’t keep running away from her problems. Meanwhile, I’m so distracted by the plump woman in the painting. She totally looks like Blair! Anyways, when Louie asks if he’ll ever see Blair again, she tries to act all cute and Cinderella-esque by giving him her jumbo clown size Louboutin. She then hobbles away on her fug cankles.

Woof! This size nine wookie shoe smells like ass!

Roofus and Lily finish Milo’s new nursery, and Roofus has a change of heart and decides to simply accept Milo as Dan’s son without any proof. UGH! What a moron! Dumb-ass Lily couldn’t be more thrilled.

Slutina then shows up at the loft (huh?!) because she was looking for her mom and the maid told her where she was (oh.) Just then, Danessa walks in all lovey-dovey, followed by Nate and Juliet holding hands. Then Roofus shows up with Milo and Slutina is utterly confused. The look on her face though is PRICELESS when she realizes that both boys have moved on. HA!

“What the eff is going on here?!”

In a “shocking” twist, Roofus finds Milo’s baby bracelet, which says he is O negative, but Dan is AB positive … DUN DUN DUN!

In a much jucier twist, Juliet is on the phone with some mysterious person, telling them that she had to “improvise” her plan, but it’s done. She’ll see them soon, and she “misses them.” Hmm! The plot thickens!

Who is her co-conspirator?!

And finally, in Paris, Chuck comes clean to Gigi about who he really is, then offers to bring her back to NYC with him. Dumb girl is atleast smart enough to say yes!

So, what did you all think? Was it good, or was it just me? Regardless, we’ll always have Paris, mon Gasmii! Leave your comments! You know you love me! Xoxo, Gossip Slife