Gossip Girl: The Rhodes Less Traveled

Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. It has been six long weeks since we’ve had a fresh, new episode, and I hate to say it – but absence did NOT make this heart grow fonder! When we last left off, Lily had turned herself in to the authorities for forging Slutina’s signature on the affidavit that sent Bensitive to prison, Chuck had successfully run Russell Thorpe out of town, and Dan and Blair finally gave in to a secret, sexy smooch. Flash forward a few weeks, and the kiss turned out to be a whole lotta nada, Lily’s biggest debacle is taking a family photo, and William van der Woodsen is pretty lame when it comes to villainy.

First of all, mayjah problem with the opening of the episode – where is Gossip Girl / Kristen Bell’s usual zany banter? Without it, the Upper East Siders and myself are lost and have no clue as to what is going on! I relish how she always manages to tell me what season or time of the year it is, and what that means to skinny bitches with gobs of money. Instead we get this stupid reporter informing us that Lily is now embroiled in the “mother of all scandals.” Hardee har har.

What an ass hat!

Second of all, what is Dorota doing with a radio?! What is this – product placement from 1999? Shouldn’t she have the reporter’s live news feed streaming on some clever little cell phone? Blair is too busy / tired to care.

Tonight’s episode is brought to you in part by the transistor radio and the Pony Express.

Dan, Chuck, Raina, and Nate are all respectively following the news, aka the one channel in all of New York City that their TV’s get.

This just in: YOU’RE FUGS, LADY!

Upchuck calls Slutina, and asks if amidst all of her mom’s drama, she’s had time to ask Blair why she’s been so distant with him lately. Is there someone else?! Ok, stalker! Way to jump to conclusions! (Even though he’s correct!)

Lily, Roofus, and William are all getting their news from a much more reputable source: TMZ. Cici compliments her daughter on a beautiful mug shot. LOL. Slutina enters and they all gab about some family portrait they’re supposed to take for some ridiculous coffee table book about “modern royalty.” Cici drops some sly reference to ALL of her girls being in the photo, and Lily’s left scratching her head. So am I actually. Was that a gay joke at Eric’s expense??

Genius.

Speaking of Eric, he’s buzzing around Dan’s place, and for some reason, Dan confesses that he and Blair shared a sexy, secret smooch. He tries to play it off like it was all just innocent curiosity, but Eric knows that someone’s got a little crushy-poo on B!

Blair literally rings for Dorota (with a bell, no less!) to tell her that she thinks she is dying of consumption. Um, maybe if by consumption she means all the food that she’s been stuffing in those fat, chipmunk cheeks of hers!

Oink!

The phone rings, and it’s Epperly, Blair’s old boss from W Magazine. Wait, she’s still around? Zzz. She says she just happens to be styling the family portraits (convenient) and wants Blair’s bossy help with all of the socialites. Blair agrees. Zzz. So contrived. It thus comes as no great shock that Epperly is only doing this because Upchuck is pulling the strings and has a scheme cooked up.

Lily is pissed that Cici didn’t tell her that her estranged sister Carol is in town for the family portrait. Just then, in breezes Black Sheep of the family Carol, fangs barred, and throwing jabs at literally EVERYONE in the room. Um, what a bitch! The phone rings, and Slutina regrettably informs everyone that the publishers of the book cancelled their photo shoot because of the scandal surrounding Lily! Dun dun dun!

Watch out! This wall-eyed bitch has teeth!

Later, Slutina is approached by some random, cute blonde girl in the lobby of her building. She mistakes her for a blood-thirsty paparazzi, but it turns out to be her long-lost cousin Charlie, played by newcomer Kaycee DeFer. Wait, how could she not recognize her own family member?! I guess Slutina really IS that self-involved!

Atleast she’s way cuter than Jenny Humphrey!!

Cici is overjoyed when William says he will try to pull some strings with his publisher buddy to get their family back in the “modern royalty” shoot. What a kiss butt!

Over lunch, Charlie explains that Aunt Carol kept her locked away from the rest of the family on a houseboat in Florida because their rich world was too “toxic.” When Slutina calls that an exaggeration, Charlie retorts, “So, you and your brother didn’t both end up going to a mental institution? And your dad didn’t give your mom fake cancer? And your mom didn’t send an innocent man to prison just to get you back into private school?” HA! Touche, blondie! Seems someone’s been catching up on her past seasons of GG. Slutina is mortified, and Charlie confesses that she secretly came to NYC to see for herself and make up her own mind.

Lily’s flipping through an old photo album, and stumbles on a pic of her and Carol from the 80′s. OHH! Right! CAROL!! The ugly older Rhodes sister from that failed spinoff Valley Girls with Brittany Snow. Right! Now, why didn’t they show us this pic sooner?! I wouldn’t have been so lost the past 10 minutes. Anyways, even though Carol’s been so snatchy, the sisters are suddenly all nostalgic and chummy again.

Like, gag me with a spoon!

Blair is busy helping Epperly, and is sad when she hears that Upchuck will be doing his family photo – ALONE. Somehow they veer off topic, and Blair lets it slip that she recently had a “life-changing” kiss with a mysterious someone. But before she can divulge any more info, Blair spots Manessa and runs off, leaving Epperly to secretly text Chuck.

Manessa tells Blair she’s there as a camera assistant, she got the job thru NYU, and she refuses to leave.

Manessa looks like Smegel in a wig.

While shopping and gabbing, Slutina very kindly gives Charlie her family heirloom necklace, and as soon as Charlie puts it on, bitch comes down with a serious case of All About Eve Betty Davis eyes. And as much as I love having some young, fresh blood on this show, DeFer plays the less-fortunate cousin of Slutina with such wide-eyed innocence and longing right out of the gate that you can smell the Single White Female storyline coming 1,000 miles away.

She’s pretty. Pretty crazy!

Roofus calls Lily, and when she tells him that she and Carol found the perfect legwarmers, he asks if she is drunk! LOL. God, I hope they revive her alcoholic storyline. Mama loves her cocktails! Roofus tells her the photo shoot is back on, and just as they’re celebrating, they run into Slutina and Charlie at Intermix!!

Upchuck turns to Dan for intel on who this mysterious life-changing kiss could have been with. Perhaps someone she works with at W? Dan is so flattered / flabbergasted by being called “life-changing” that he starts singing Blair’s praises – a little too loudly. Upchuck’s no dummy, and though he tells Dan that he cares for Blair’s happiness, he now knows the truth, and calls Epperly for one more favor… to destroy Dan!

Charlie is annoyed that her mom has sheltered her from the “fun” world of Upper East Side socialites, but Mama Carol could give two shits. Carol forces her to return all of the clothes and gifts – including the necklace! Which is mega unfair!!

So uncomfortable!

Carol throws a major hissy fit at Slutina and Lily for their extravagant lifestyle, and the two blondes storm off all pissy. Cici then smugly orders Carol to stay in town for the photo shoot, considering the fact that she’s been paying her a $1,000 stipend every month – a plum, little fact that Slutina just happens to overhear!!!

Lying bitch!

Dan calls Eric to tell him that he’s going to the photo shoot after all – turns out there’s a section for “up and comers.” LMAO. Even Eric’s all, “Yeah, that sounds made up.” Dan’s excited at the prospect of playing dress up for Blair. Poor bastard.

Dorota confronts Blair about this life-changing kiss, and can’t believe that Blair is suddenly into Dan. Blair is horrified by Dorota’s assumption, and assures her that the kiss with Dan only opened her eyes to the fact that she truly loves Upchuck!! Blair feels that he has finally matured, and if he’s her prince, then why kiss any more toads? Ouch! And uh oh! This house of cards is about to come tumbling down!

Slutina catches up with Charlie and decides to spill the beans about her mother’s lies!

Eric arrives at the photo shoot, only to learn that the new family portrait only includes William, Slutina, and Eric – not Lily. Huh?! WTF? If this is William up to no good, then it’s pretty lame in terms of villainy. I don’t get it. Lamest subplot of the ep!

Raina (who’s been MIA the whole ep) tells Nate that she, too, was offered to appear in the book – with her mother. Naturally, this brought up some charged emotions because she thinks her mother abandoned her. Unbeknowst to her though, she perished in a fire set by Upchuck’s father! Ruh roh! The shiz is gonna hit the fan when she learns that little truth!!

Dan shows up, ready for his close up, and Blair is forced to bring his ego back down to Earth. They can’t figure out why Epperly would tell him there’s an “up and comers” section unless – GASP! Blair spots Upchuck glaring at them and realizes he has figured out about their kiss! Side note: there’s a lot of people figuring stuff out in this episode that normally would seem quite the stretch. Just sayin’.

Ho hum, hum-drum Humphrey!

Lily thanks Slutina for being such a wonderful, supportive daughter. Natch, this is the perfect time for Carol to come barging in, demanding to know where her missing daughter Charlie is. Slutina actually feces up that Charlie ran away after she spilled the beans about what a hypocrite Carol’s been for taking grandma’s money all these years. Even Lily is shocked!

Speaking of Bette Davis eyes!

Upchuck flies into a jealous rage and admits that he wanted to shame Dan to remind Blair that he is not a part of their world. Zzz. Blair tells Chuck that she was going to reveal her true feelings for him, but clearly he’s still too petty and immature for her to take seriously. Zing!

Roofus confronts William about switching the family photo (who cares?!) in front of everyone, and William insists he is innocent. Amidst all of the squabbling, Charlie pops up, ready for her HER close up, and looking like a total whore. (She really IS related to Slutina!)

Oh…Emm…

GG!

Upchuck tries to apologize to Blair. He tells her that she doesn’t have to be a powerful woman on her own first – they can build their futures together. In fact, he wanted her to be in his photo! But Blair maintains that Chuck is still not ready or capable of a real relationship.

William maintains his innocence to Lily that he didn’t sabotage the photo. She says she doesn’t care, and neither do I! Roofus admits that he checked up on William’s claim, and it turns out he wasn’t to blame. MEGA YAWN. I’m so bored. Who wrote this crap?? Lily realizes that despite her scandalous woes, she has an amazing, supportive family rallying behind her.

Blair apologizes to Dan for Upchuck’s antics, and they both wanly try to downplay their shared kiss. Unfortch, Manessa overhears this, and gasps!

Everyone’s so damn nosy this week!

Charlie confronts her mother about her lies. Carol says she was only trying to protect her daughter. Charlie storms off, right into the “maternal” arms of Slutina, who suggests they go get some gelato. Natch, Blair’s ears perk up at the mention of food, and she invites herself along.

The next morning, Charlie wakes up on a makeshift bed of silk sheets in Slutina’s room after a “girls’ night out” slumber party. She tiptoes out of the room, and starts going through Psycho Stalker 101 moves: fingering glass trinkets, spritzing herself with Slutina’s perfume, marveling at her beaded gowns, and even trying on a pair of Christian Louboutins! No offense, but 90210 did the psycho roomy stalker WAY better earlier this season…

There’s a new slut in town!

Carol finds Lily reading Martha Stewart’s prison memoir in the study. (Nice touch!) The estranged sisters hash out their past demons and admit their faults, and kiss and make up. Barf.

Slutina ignores a call from Manessa, who leaves a voicemail anyways, confessing that she overheard that Dan and Blair kissed. Uh oh! I wonder how Slutina will react to this news… next week!

Is that the best you’ve got??

Emboldened by Slutina, Charlie stands up to her mom and says that she wants to live in NYC with Lily and Slutina and give their world a chance. Natch, Carol doesn’t think this is a good idea, but Charlie won’t take no for an answer, and Slutina shows her to her new room. As soon as they leave, Carol alludes to some incident in Charlie’s past that forced her to drop out of college… but then leaves us hanging!! She begs Lily to keep an eye on her daughter. Ohh!! Juicy!! I love backstories!

Roofus and Cici team up to bring famed photog Lori Simmons for one big, giant family photo shoot, which elates Lily to no end. (No one mentions Little J??) Dan meets cousin Charlie, and Aunt Carol notices some odd, sizzling electricity between the two of them… (and it’s not because they were co-stars on Josh Schwarz’s failed soap, The Mountain.)

Everyone gathers on the couch for a cutesy pic, and when the phone rings, Lily could care less about her possible jail time – she’d rather revel in this family moment instead.

The Rhodes – van der Woodsen – Humphrey clan.

Meanwhile, Upchuck stares glumly at his family portrait of one. And while Blair bitches to Dorota about fairy tales not coming true… the camera cuts away to a limo pulling up, and out steps Blair’s dreamy prince of Monaco from the Paris episodes at the beginning of the season!! And he’s carrying Blair’s heel (a la Cinderella’s slipper!) Ooh la la!!

Bonjour indeed, monsuier!!

So, overall, I would say this was a pretty crummy episode. It was definitely a major let-down after that delicious kiss cliffhanger. But, it did lay the pipe and groundwork for some potentially juicy stuff in the next couple of episodes. What is Charlie hiding in her past? How will Slutina react to Dan and Blair’s kiss? Will Lily serve time in prison? Will the prince ask for Blair’s hand in marriage?? Only time will tell. Until then, you know you love me! Xoxo, Gossip Slife