Greetings gossipers! I just want to start off by saying, thank you so much for commenting! I really appreciate people reading my first recap. I especially loved how kittkatt reminded me of Chuck’s days as a bisexual monkey lover in the novels. Anyways, based on the comments, it seems like most people are not amused by Serena. I confess that I have been drinking the haterade when it comes to her too, so I’m glad we’re in agreement. I think at the end of the day, I would rather be friends with someone who is openly an asshole like Blair or Chuck, than someone who is fake nicey-nice like Serena but is so self-obsessed that she doesn’t even know when she’s being a jerk. Luckily, she had a lot less screen time this episode, so we can save ourselves the agony.
Previously, on Gossip Girl, Serena convinced Charlie to come live with her in NYC, Chuck realized he couldn’t feel emotional or physical pain, Nate hooked up with Elizabeth Hurley, Dan meddled with everyone’s lives, and Blair vomited all over everything.
This week opens up with a letter from Blair’s OB-GYN, labled “personal and confidential.” At Blair’s house, Dorota confronts Blair for ignoring the paternity test results. Blair tries to brush Dorota off, but little does she know, Dorota has Dan “Busybody” Humphrey on the case.
Dan moves onto his second project, Chuck. He brings chuck some kind of mutt puppy, to see if it will help Chuck feel anything. Chuck looks pretty disgusted, and says he doesn’t associate with animals that can lick their own butthole. Civilized people pay for that! Nice try, DannyBoy.
Serena and Charlie are at Blair’s apartment, and an uncharacteristically nice Blair allows Charlie to stay at her place without much question. Meanwhile, Dorota is trying to drop not so subtle hints about the paternity test. The best part about being pregnant is knowing who the father is. I think Dorota’s been watching a little too much Maury.
Serena describes how Charlie lived in squalor in LA, which embarrasses me, because her apartment was definitely 10X nicer than mine. Oh Serena, you don’t even have to try to make me hate you!
Hi, I’m here for the Assholes Anonymous meeting?
Dan meets with his old adversary, Noah, to discuss stopping his book from being published. Noah pretty much laughs at him, calling him a coward. He tells Dan if he really wants to avoid this getting out, just let the book get published anyway, because no one will read the damn thing. Seriously, he’s right. If it doesn’t have vampires, wizards, or Snookis, there’s no way in hell it will reach the top of the best seller list.
Lilly’s chillaxing in her apartment when she receives a call from her sister, Carol. Has she seen Charlie? Lilly says no, but she can ask Serena what’s up since S has returned from LA. Carol decides to come up to NY for a visit and we cut to Carol holding a copy of the canceled check for $22,500. I’m starting to think this show was created to remind me of how poor I am.
Dan continues his quest to be all up in everyone’s business and stalks Blair on one of her shopping trips. He forces her to go to the OB-GYN to get the test result. Meanwhile, Gossip Girl blasts that a book about the Upper East Side is coming out soon, and the author might be someone they all know!
During Nate’s first day at the office, Diana shows him the ropes by shutting the door and getting busy. Meanwhile, she fires her entire staff to comply with Nate’s request to not have an audience.
Everybody out! I haven’t been laid since The Spy Who Shagged Me.
Serena is catching up with Lilly in the kitchen, and Lilly asks Serena about Charlie. When Serena starts explaining the situation, Lilly says she can’t lie to her sister about Charlie’s whereabouts. Charlie, of course, overhears everything and makes a hasty exit. Good riddance.
Blair is at her interview with Hello! Magazine, and the interviewer recaps some of her conversation with the prince. Apparently the prince revealed that he is nowhere near ready to have children. Blair better hope that’s Chuck’s bun in the oven…
When Dan goes back to Noah’s office to confront him about the Gossip Girl blast, he’s not there. Apparently he is going to have a dinner party tonight to celebrate the release of his new book, about young people in the Upper East Side, titled “Inside”. Sound familiar? I have to say, however, that Inside is a terribly misleading title. It sounds more like a tome about gang rapes in a federal penitentiary than about a bunch of spoiled kids with too much time and money on their hands.
Charlie is hailing a cab and leaving a message for her ex-boyfriend. She’s coming back to Portland and she wants him back. Serena runs into Charlie and convinces her to return Serena’s fashion show tickets before she leaves. Damn, does Serena ever NOT need a favor?
Diana wants to celebrate tonight’s festivities with a little action with Nate. Nate accuses her of hiring him for sex, and Diana quickly covers by asking him to interview a congressman at the party tonight for the magazine.
So, for job title, should I put Male Prostitute or Intern with Benefits?
Meanwhile, Blair decides she is going to the party tonight and rips up the letter to Dorota’s dismay. She tells Dorota to mind her own beeswax, or she’ll end up standing out in front of 7-11s in suburbia like the rest of the undocumented workers.
Charlie arrives to the fashion show to return the tickets. However, Serena had other plans. She’s arranged for Charlie to model in her place and even left her a queer little note that says “Live Your Dreams-S.” I also took the liberty of leaving Serena a note.
Lilly is reading Crime and Punishment when Rufus reveals he’s been negotiating with the judge. Lilly is officially off house arrest and officially going to the party tonight. Guess what Lilly’s most excited about? She doesn’t have to order clothes online like the other plebeians. She arranges to have Carol meet up with them at the party.
At the party, Blair shows up to model. Charlie tells Blair about her mommy drama and Blair says, um, aren’t you 19? You don’t have to do what she wants anymore. Don’t you have something to hold over your mom’s head? Charlie realizes quickly she can spin her dirty little secret to her advantage.
Meanwhile, Nate is interviewing the congressman in his wife. He asks them how their vacation was in Mykynos (FYI I had to Google this, it’s in Greece), which is what Diana told him to ask. As with everything else on this show, it’s a trap. The congressman tries to cover and says he was on a trip to Athens for work, but his wife sees right through it and asks if he was with “her”? She’s all, see you in court, and Diana is recording the whole thing.
Charlie’s modeling debut is going swimmingly until she runs smack dab into Carol. Blair is enjoying her run on the catwalk until Dan takes over as her escort and literally forces the paternity test into her hands. She responds by shoving Dan into the crowd, and knocking over a table. Way to play it cool, Blair. Not to mention, Dan certainly is taking a beating this season.
Nate confronts Diana about the congressional set-up, and Diana discloses she wants to be the next gossip girl. More like gossip hag, you dirty old ho! Anyways, the two decide to look through the party attendant’s cell phones to get the latest dirt.
Carol tells Charlie it’s time to go back to Florida, or she’s calling the police. Charlie says she’s sure the 5-0 would be happy to know Carol hired a struggling actress to pretend to be her daughter to gain access to her daughter’s trust fund. OH SNAP! Charlie isn’t going anywhere.
Blair finally opens the envelope…cut to commercial…and she’s at Chuck’s apartment! We find out Chuck kept the dog, and named it Monkey. Do we think this is a reference to the books? Regardless, Blair reveals to Chuck that she’s pregnant AND that it’s Louis’ baby. Chuck is practicing his I’m hiding my emotions-even though I don’t have any-expression.
If you could only imagine the pain I don’t feel right now.
Dan shows up to another event that he’s not invited to—Noah’s dinner party. He tells Noah and everyone that HE wrote the book, and to his surprise, everyone starts clapping. Turns out the whole Noah taking credit for the book thing was a rouse for Dan to admit he was the author. The book is getting published. I hope this means that Dan will finally get his own storyline instead of intruding on everyone elses’.
At Rufus and Lilly’s place, Lilly invites Charlie to stay with them. Charlie gladly accepts and asides to Carol that she will make sure she has access to the trust fund.
Blair tells Louis that she is pregnant and he could not be happier. It’s all storybook fairytale cute, but a little blah. She hides the paternity test result envelope in her drawer, which makes me hope that Louis isn’t really the father. He is just too boring and perfect.
We cut to a montage of Chuck crying big salty tears over Blair and cuddling Monkey. AWwwwww. He has a gooey center after all!
We end the day with Diana and Nate going through someone named “Ivy”’s phone. (Ivy is Charlie, I got kind of confused between all her aliases last week). Wonder what kind of secrets are on there? I don’t think many, because that cell phone looked like it was made in 1994.
This phone’s best feature? I have Zack Morris on speed dial!
Well, that’s it for this week of Gossip Girl. What did you guys think? Do you believe Louis is really the father? Will Charlie screw over the Van der Woodsen family? Until next time!