Gossip Girl Recap: You Make Me Sick

***New recapper week at TVgasm! Please welcome the newest bun from the gasm oven, Skittles!

I am Skittles, and I’m a new recapper to TVgasm.  First off about my name, I would like to dispel any inferences that a) I have a bubbly personality or b) I’m a stripper. Its a name that I was given in a bar once and it just kind of stuck around. My first show is Gossip Girl. I am not ashamed to admit I read the books before the series came out or that I spent $60 once when I was drunk and downloaded seasons 1 and 2 in their entirety from iTunes.  Anyways, onward!

Previously, on Gossip Girl…Serena, Chuck, and Nate are living the high life in LA. Serena managed, despite some scuffles, to land an assistant’s job to a VIP Hollywood type. Chuck’s new philosophy is “say yes to everything”. It was going pretty well, but he fell off a motorcycle and looks like he’s sporting some broken ribs. Nate hooked up with another cougar. Dan was busy trying to kill the story he wrote about Blair from appearing in Vanity Fair. Blair, meanwhile, was planning her wedding to the Prince of Monaco. Dorota is pregnant, and Charlie showed up in LA, as a waitress named Abby.

This episode opens with Blair alongside Dorota at Dorota’s prenatal checkup. Blair takes this as an opportunity to ask questions about her own pregnancy, under the guise that she is asking for Dorota. She asks about morning sickness, breast tenderness, and paternity tests…!! Dorota quickly realizes that she’s not the only one with child. Dorota thinks that since she and B are both in the family way, they must be family now.

Dorota: We could be sister wives! Blair: Ew. Go dust something.

Meanwhile, at Chuck’s apartment, Chuck is staring at a cover of a tabloid with B and the prince on it.  Nate is escorting out his latest one night stand, who proclaims “I hate men on anti-depressants!”  What, numbed personality and inability to maintain an erection don’t do it for you? I don’t think that’s the problem, though.  Nate tells Chuck that he can’t get to the finish line because he can’t get the mystery cougar off his mind.  He needs to call his mommy because he has to pick an internship, and he doesn’t know what to do. Choosing between high profile jobs that you have no qualifications for is hard!

In Brooklyn, Dan is trying to break into Vanessa’s bank account. He calls Serena, who apparently has a skill for this. She refers him to Chuck, because apparently he has slept with a million girls from a million banks. This actually reminds me of my ex. I was a teller for a couple years, and he used to ask me to take money out of his ex’s account or put holds on it to fuck with her. I didn’t do it, but it’s funny that people think penis is that valuable. I wouldn’t risk time in prison for it, at least.

Serena and Charlie/Abby met up for brunch. Charlie decides the best way to look like trust-fund baby is to dress like Hillary Duff, which is pretty convenient since Hillary Duff was already on this show!

This fedora says I’m a former Disney Star.  These pants say I’m a good time.

Serena grills Charlie about why she left Florida. Charlie admits that her mom doesn’t know where she is, but she calls to check in and tell her she’s okay. Serena drops the bomb that she’s staying in LA and Charlie drops off the face of the earth. Just kidding! This boring storyline is still here.

Over on the Upper East Side, Blair, who is suffering from morning sickness, is introduced to her future sister-in-law Beatrice. Beatrice wants to share secrets and become BFFs, and Blair just wants to blow chunks. Unfortunately for Blair, Beatrice is planning on staying a little longer to get to know her.

Serena tells Charlie that she is taking the semester off from Columbia. She’s meeting with her real estate agent and tells the Realtor she wants a two-bedroom apartment, because she wants Charlie to live with her. Honestly, Serena is such an asshole, even when she’s trying to be nice. I like how she just assumes that Charlie wants/has the means to live with her.

Using Gossip Girl GPS (or whatever it is), Dan finds Chuck in an alley getting shoved around. It appears that this is some sort of financial arrangement because when Dan puts a stop to it, Chuck says he wants a full refund. Dan peeps the bruises on Chuck, although Chuck claims he’s fine and gets Dan to drop the subject. Doesn’t Dan know the first rule of fight club is there is no fight club?

At Chuck and Nate’s place, we open with a gratuitous shot of brownie mix and weed. Hmm, wonder what Nate’s up to?

If I mix my anti-depressants in the batter, it will really get this party started.

Dan tells Nate about the incident with Chuck, and Nate agrees to get his mom’s concierge doctor to come see Chuck.

Blair and Beatrice are walking around the streets of New York, and Beatrice gives Blair the rules. Her gown can have no bare shoulders, exposed knees, or anything form-fitting. Meanwhile, Beatrice can wear what she wants. Blair is all, so basically I have to be Barbara Bush? HOTT.

I’m sexy and I know it.

Then Beatrice tries to get Blair to eat a hot dog and Blair rushes off to the bathroom. Oh Blair, that’s supposed to happen AFTER you eat the hot dog.

Charlie and Serena are checking out a beach-side apartment, and Serena is putting the heavy pressure on Charlie to move in with her ASAP. Serena conveniently has forgotten her checkbook (again: A-Hole), and makes Charlie write the check, even though we all know Charlie’s account doesn’t have money in it.

The concierge doc examines Chuck and says he has fractured ribs, but Chuck says they don’t hurt. Which is crap…I don’t know how he is even breathing normally right now, much less paying people to beat him up, but whatever. The doctor tells Nate to keep an eye on Chuck and make sure he rests. Nate just laughs because the brownies have caused him to see double of Dr. Happy Fun Time.

Blair and Beatrice get back to Blair’s apartment, and Blair has Dorota escort Beatrice to the elevator. Beatrice says Blair obviously has a drug problem, but Dorota insists that Blair is wound too tight to try mind-altering substances. Seriously. If Blair snorted a line of Coke, in 3 weeks she’d shit out a diamond. Or something like that. Well, then it must be bulimia! Dorota basically agrees. Once outside, Beatrice calls Louis to rat on Blair. Beatrice better be careful. Blair may be from the Upper East Side, but she’s still from New York. Snitches get stitches, y’all.

I will cut you.

Nate’s prayers are answered when he runs into the British cougar. (You know they would bring her back.) The cougar says she isn’t here to see Nate, but to see his mom. She is writing a magazine article about disgraced wives of dirtball businessmen, but Nate’s mom refused. Nate tries to ask her out, but she says she needs more than just stamina.

Just because you have the endurance of a horse, doesn’t mean you’re hung like one.

Charlie calls Serena’s Realtor to try to get her check back, but the Realtor is already ahead of her. Charlie’s check bounced, so Serena covered it. Serena cannot take a hint.

Blair is resting in her room, lamenting her woes with Dorota, when Beatrice and Prince Louis pay an unexpected visit. It is a Moroccan national holiday, and they are moving the celebration to NYC so Blair can attend. Of course, it’s a feast, so it’s perfect opportunity for Beatrice to test out her Bulimia theory.

Dan is continuing his save Chuck campaign, and Chuck drops the bomb that he banged Blair before she left. Not sure why Dan is shocked here, hasn’t everyone banged everyone on this show? I’m pretty sure he should be more concerned about the antibiotic-resistant super STD they’re all creating with each other.

Q: How do you know you’re really from the Upper East Side? A: VD.

At the feast, Blair meets the priest who is supposed to marry them. Beatrice tries to force feed Blair, who is busy trying to keep the vomit down. In a moment of desperation, Blair asks the Virgin Mary for help, and guess who appears? Dan. Dude, this guy needs his own life. He is so busy chasing everyone else around, and does anyone care where he is? (No.)

Nate finds the cougar at his apartment again. He convinced his mom to do the interview, but says he will only let cougar (whose name is revealed as Diana Payne) up if she gives him another chance. They end up having sex outside. Gross.

Back at the feast, Blair leads Dan to the bathroom. He confronts her about Chuck, but Blair is too busy ralphing to care. Of course, while she is letting loose in the toilet, Beatrice walks in. She runs to get the Prince, and Dan interrogates Blair further. He asks her if she is Bulimic again, and she confesses that she is pregnant, right as Beatrice drops in AGAIN. Commercial!

Surprisingly, when we return, Beatrice keeps the secret to herself and covers for Blair. She suggests that Blair had a great idea to let the homeless join in on their feast, which sends Blair running to the bathroom all over again.

I haven’t been this disgusted since Dorota wanted to be sister wives.

In Cali, Serena is waiting for Charlie outside of Charlie’s apartment. She tells Charlie that her mom can’t cut Charlie off just because Charlie doesn’t live with her anymore. Um, yeah she can? Serena comes up with a plan to have CiCi, their grandmother, help finance Charlie’s lifestyle.

Dan’s stalking mission continues. After receiving a GG blast that Chuck is on the wrong side of town, Dan locates him mid ass-kicking. This time Dan gets punched in the mouth, but still manages to get Chuck out of there before he gets severely hurt. Chuck tells Dan he feels absolutely nothing.

Nate and Diana (the cougar) are on a date. Nate tells her about his internship dilemma, and she suggests that he work for her. Nothing like mixing business and pleasure…

Dan and Chuck are hanging out and Dan is playing Doctor. He diagnoses Chuck with Aversion Disorder (which basically means a psychological trauma has left Chuck unable to feel any sensation, good or bad), then offers to tickle Chuck as the remedy. Chuck denies him. Poor Lonely Boy. He even offers a spanking and a pillow fight, but Chuck is still adamant that he doesn’t want treatment.

I’ll do anything for love.

Back at her apartment, Charlie/Abby tells her boyfriend that she can’t be with him anymore. Serena’s waiting outside, so Charlie dips without giving her future ex much of an explanation.

In another limo on the other side of the country, Beatrice is commiserating with the priest that Blair is proving harder to crack. Apparently the pregnancy wouldn’t do much to damage Blair, so Beatrice is busy trying to find another angle to keep Blair from the crown. Beatrice and the Priest then make out…surprise, surprise. Well actually it is kind of surprising. I figured the priest would be more interested in Beatrice if she was under 15 and male.

Serena surprises Charlie and says that her job offer as the assistant was actually on the East Coast. How would Charlie like to live on the Upper East Side with Serena? Charlie doesn’t have much of a choice, so she accepts.

Finally, Blair comes out to Brooklyn to see Daniel and discuss the pregnancy. Dan reminds her she has options, but Blair says she’s keeping the baby. What it it’s Chuck’s baby? Blair figures through some fast math that it’s highly unlikely. I don’t know, something tells me that Chuck’s demon spawn will find a way into Blair’s uterus. Dan offers to support Blair no matter what happens. (Besides, what else does he have to do?)

Until next time! I can’t imagine Blair as a mother so I’m excited to see how this plays out. I also can’t imagine Serena or Nate holding down jobs. Want to take bets to see how many episodes until they get fired? Will Dan/Lonely Boy ever find true love? Only Gossip Girl knows…